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Old 12-19-2009, 09:47 PM
 
Location: The Mango Tree
2,115 posts, read 4,392,449 times
Reputation: 2626

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Hello, everyone. This is part rant, part emotion-fueled confession. I give the sincerest of gratitudes to all those who take the time to read this. Although I haven't even started writing it yet, I have an uncanny prediction that it will be fairly lengthy.

In the past few months, I've been doing extensive research on the whole world of money and sex. This encompasses escorts, sugar daddies/babies, and the good old standard affair. A good friend asked for some help on her colossal project and I was more than happy to oblige as I'm one of those strange creatures that really enjoys researching interesting topics.

I basically Googled the $hit out of Google and was rewarded with a wealth of information. I found your standard exposes and interviews, but those were all relatively tame and prepped for media. Opinion pieces and articles written by alleged experts were aplenty and offered good points, but they often seemed to formalized. The best stuff came from forums or blogs that served as a community to those involved in the escort or sugar world. There I found frank topics being discussed in a candid manner. I read and read. My accumulation of notes increased and increased. My knowledge and awareness of these somewhat hidden worlds (and they are fairly hidden, because although they are often discussed and speculated about, only those who have experience know the true reality of it) grew. I now know lingo that I will probably never have use for.

The number one thing that kept hitting me over and over again, the more and more I researched, is that men cheat. Whether they do it with a high-end escort, sugar baby, or a random willing girl from a bar, they cheat.

However, they all claim they love their wife. She's the one they will go home to - the one they will stick by. The very way they use the word "wife" makes her become this far off entity, this thing that is an integral part of their lives, but has lost all meaning aside from title. She is no longer their lover, their best friend, their partner in crime, their adventure sharer, and etc. She is the wife. I feel as though I'm witnessing the virgin/***** complex. They share their lives with their wives and their passion with their Jenny/Sally/Sue/harem of girls.

This makes me wonder: Is it the guys who have grown restless/bored? or Is it the wives that have changed?

Granted, it's probably both. But let's get to the real matter of this thread, which I have taken much too long to get into.

I'm terrified I will have to choose between being the wife or lover. From what I've observed, both of them get the bad end of the stick. The guy is the one who's relatively win-win. I want to be both. I want to be married to a guy that truly enjoys being married to me and isn't entertaining other girls on the side.

In short, I am scared $hitless that either:

a.) men will only see me as the "lover" and never the wife.

or

b.) I'll become the wife, but my husband will take up a "lover."

Ah, I apologize. This is a whiny (and pointless, as I have no desire to get married for a good 4-6 years) rant at best. I think discovering these rather darker (as opposed to the "love is a fairy tale!!" propaganda) has infused a good dose of cynicism into me. I mean, do all men cheat? I'd like to think that if I put an effort into keeping my future husband (whoever he is) happy, he wouldn't stray. However, now I'm not so sure. . . I just don't ever want to become the silent wife or cat lady.
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Old 12-19-2009, 09:57 PM
 
2,191 posts, read 4,091,800 times
Reputation: 2256
Not all men fit into that stereotype yet most do. You just need to keep searching until you find a good one that wants to die for your face. To hold you up upon a pedastal and loves you no matter what happens. Most men don't know how to openly show emotion and truly love a woman with their arms wide open. And yes, you will mostly continue to find men that are in that study. When you do find a man that can love you like this, you will know it. Everything will feel okay, and you will submit to him. You cannot find such a man by any conventional methods. Hold on to the world that we all remember fighting for, theres some strength left in us yet. In the morning you are new, standing in the sun will dry you.
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Old 12-19-2009, 09:59 PM
 
12,579 posts, read 12,813,305 times
Reputation: 8868
I'm off Mon & the wife has to work, wanna come over? HA! jk
Bear in mind your research exposed a minority of the populus. The excuses for infidelity are endless, so I would suggest some research into the positive side of relationships, sort of balance out the corruption.
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Old 12-19-2009, 10:02 PM
 
Location: 2nd state in the union...
2,382 posts, read 3,943,713 times
Reputation: 1595
Nah, not all men cheat. Since researching this information got you thinking this way, maybe you can change your outlook to a more optimistic one if you research good relationships and marriages. There was a thread here on CD recently with people posting about their good marriages.

There are no guarantees in life - the best you can do is go into it with your eyes wide open and hope for the best
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Old 12-19-2009, 10:03 PM
Ep-
 
2,069 posts, read 3,542,742 times
Reputation: 2420
^ like the above person said, just gotta find the right guy. not all men cheat. he siad it much more poetically!

i love flings, shortt term relationships, causual sex...whatever you wanna call it. once i find a girl i wanna go exclusive with there's no way in hell i'm cheating on her tho. i've turned it down plenty of times without hesitation.


if a d00d cheats chances are the relationship was either already on the rocks or the guy was a scumbag to begin with
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Old 12-19-2009, 10:06 PM
 
Location: In my skin
8,882 posts, read 13,858,985 times
Reputation: 8735
Quote:
Originally Posted by mango tango View Post
This makes me wonder: Is it the guys who have grown restless/bored? or Is it the wives that have changed?

Granted, it's probably both. But let's get to the real matter of this thread, which I have taken much too long to get into.
It's both, you're right.

Quote:
I'm terrified I will have to choose between being the wife or lover. From what I've observed, both of them get the bad end of the stick. The guy is the one who's relatively win-win. I want to be both. I want to be married to a guy that truly enjoys being married to me and isn't entertaining other girls on the side.

In short, I am scared $hitless that either:

a.) men will only see me as the "lover" and never the wife.

or

b.) I'll become the wife, but my husband will take up a "lover."

Ah, I apologize. This is a whiny (and pointless, as I have no desire to get married for a good 4-6 years) rant at best. I think discovering these rather darker (as opposed to the "love is a fairy tale!!" propaganda) has infused a good dose of cynicism into me. I mean, do all men cheat? I'd like to think that if I put an effort into keeping my future husband (whoever he is) happy, he wouldn't stray. However, now I'm not so sure. . . I just don't ever want to become the silent wife or cat lady.
I was where you are a while back. I actually considered the pros and cons of being a mistress and the SO. But I was angry that all my relationships cost me so much emotionally, I was down on myself and I didn't want to feel anything anymore. I actually figured I could meet a married man, be the other woman for once, have my needs met and know that I could always send him home. My senses got the better of me; I just don't have the heart to do that to someone else and it's really not my style.

After my experiences online, you'd think I'd be scared to death like you. Many of the men who contacted me were, in fact, married. A lot of them have the same complaint; that the sex has become close to zero or non-existent. The reasons vary. Some didn't feel loved, some just wanted some strange. I don't believe they all have the same reasons, and as much as the morality klan will disagree, I don't blame some of them. But I haven't lost hope. Once I realized that I was the common denominator in my disastrous relationships, I felt confident I would find a good and faithful man. I'm not the same woman I was, so I won't make the same choices in men.

ETA: And a reassuring hug for you, Mango!
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Old 12-19-2009, 10:11 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 86,115,502 times
Reputation: 39670
Quote:
Originally Posted by mango tango View Post
Hello, everyone. This is part rant, part emotion-fueled confession. I give the sincerest of gratitudes to all those who take the time to read this. Although I haven't even started writing it yet, I have an uncanny prediction that it will be fairly lengthy.

In the past few months, I've been doing extensive research on the whole world of money and sex. This encompasses escorts, sugar daddies/babies, and the good old standard affair. A good friend asked for some help on her colossal project and I was more than happy to oblige as I'm one of those strange creatures that really enjoys researching interesting topics.

I basically Googled the $hit out of Google and was rewarded with a wealth of information. I found your standard exposes and interviews, but those were all relatively tame and prepped for media. Opinion pieces and articles written by alleged experts were aplenty and offered good points, but they often seemed to formalized. The best stuff came from forums or blogs that served as a community to those involved in the escort or sugar world. There I found frank topics being discussed in a candid manner. I read and read. My accumulation of notes increased and increased. My knowledge and awareness of these somewhat hidden worlds (and they are fairly hidden, because although they are often discussed and speculated about, only those who have experience know the true reality of it) grew. I now know lingo that I will probably never have use for.

The number one thing that kept hitting me over and over again, the more and more I researched, is that men cheat. Whether they do it with a high-end escort, sugar baby, or a random willing girl from a bar, they cheat.

However, they all claim they love their wife. She's the one they will go home to - the one they will stick by. The very way they use the word "wife" makes her become this far off entity, this thing that is an integral part of their lives, but has lost all meaning aside from title. She is no longer their lover, their best friend, their partner in crime, their adventure sharer, and etc. She is the wife. I feel as though I'm witnessing the virgin/***** complex. They share their lives with their wives and their passion with their Jenny/Sally/Sue/harem of girls.

This makes me wonder: Is it the guys who have grown restless/bored? or Is it the wives that have changed?

Granted, it's probably both. But let's get to the real matter of this thread, which I have taken much too long to get into.

I'm terrified I will have to choose between being the wife or lover. From what I've observed, both of them get the bad end of the stick. The guy is the one who's relatively win-win. I want to be both. I want to be married to a guy that truly enjoys being married to me and isn't entertaining other girls on the side.

In short, I am scared $hitless that either:

a.) men will only see me as the "lover" and never the wife.

or

b.) I'll become the wife, but my husband will take up a "lover."

Ah, I apologize. This is a whiny (and pointless, as I have no desire to get married for a good 4-6 years) rant at best. I think discovering these rather darker (as opposed to the "love is a fairy tale!!" propaganda) has infused a good dose of cynicism into me. I mean, do all men cheat? I'd like to think that if I put an effort into keeping my future husband (whoever he is) happy, he wouldn't stray. However, now I'm not so sure. . . I just don't ever want to become the silent wife or cat lady.
You remind me of the first year med student who becomes convinced they must have at least 10 of the diseases they have just studied

Once again I find I must make this statement for those of you who just keep asking...NO, all men do not cheat.

What you have to realize is this, you are the captain of your ship - your life is in your hands! You say you don't want to be married for several more years - GOOD. Now use the next few years to do everything possible to become the best YOU that you can be Prepare yourself well, learn to trust your gut instincts, decide who you want to be. A man will "see" you thru YOUR own eyes - decide how you want to be seen and begin to be that person.

If you invest in yourself now, you'll be ready when Mr. Right comes along and you will KNOW he is Mr. Right, not just Mr. Right Now. You'll also understand yourself, and him, well enough to get what you want out of marriage. This takes work - it doesn't "just happen". You must be educated enough to choose wisely, for when you are, you greatly reduce the chances you will ever become just the wife, or just the lover, because you'll know how to be both.
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Old 12-19-2009, 10:12 PM
 
Location: The Mango Tree
2,115 posts, read 4,392,449 times
Reputation: 2626
You guys are right... my research is obviously skewed LOL. Why couldn't have X picked a happier research topic?! Of course, these under-the-radar worlds do have their own intriguing appeal. You really do realize new (well, technically not new, but rather often denied) things about people in general. The really depressing part is that the personalities of these men that comes across in their words is often rather charming. They sound like my type of guy - ambitious and intelligent, possessing dry wit infused with timely sarcasm, and masculine yet sophisticated. Dang, what if the type of guy that I'm attracted to is the cheating type? No no no.

I think my real concern is that if I ever get married, I don't want to become one of "those" wives. I don't ever want to drive my husband to cheat.

Okay, I'm really just doing a lot of premeditated worrying LOL. If I was a smoker, I'd definitely be half-way through a pack right now.
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Old 12-19-2009, 10:15 PM
 
Location: The Mango Tree
2,115 posts, read 4,392,449 times
Reputation: 2626
Thank you to njguy who left me a very kind reputation comment.
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Old 12-19-2009, 10:18 PM
 
Location: The Mango Tree
2,115 posts, read 4,392,449 times
Reputation: 2626
PassTheChocolate & lovesMountains:

You both have shared wise words. Thank you. The dark cloud of analyzation is quickly passing.
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