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Old 12-28-2009, 12:05 PM
 
5,004 posts, read 4,900,655 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound View Post
I think to some degree it is a gender thing. Men aren't so penalized for being more direct. Its a "man" thing to be strong and somewhat aggressive. I think woman are taught to be more "subtle" and not to be so "manly".

JMHO of course.
I totally agree with you. It's going to be different between the sexes.
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Old 12-28-2009, 12:12 PM
 
Location: So Cal
7,129 posts, read 3,420,049 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cricket_factor View Post
I hear you about the in-laws!

I just think from experience, these backhanded complimenters play the dumb card when it comes to,"Oh, did I hurt your little feelings?" Yet, they keep on doing it and doing it and doing it...

Then there's that saying about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results...

Depending on what atmosphere you're in, you try and keep away from these folks or manage a safe distance.

But I think some of them know exactly what they're doing and if somebody gets hurt in the process, they whip out the innocent card and bat their eyes accordingly. Again from a woman's experience. A man may tell you differently.

We have a LOT of animated discussions in my family over this very same subject. The men in my family don't think the woman is doing any harm. My mother and I take the other road in this.

It's a gender thing, I think.
Oh, I understand exactly what you mean about certain people doing that on purpose. I'm definitely with you on that one!

Quote:
Originally Posted by TKramar View Post
"If it works for you..."
"If you like that sort of thing..."

Are these the kind of comments you mean? I once told a girlfriend that her hair looked alright--in a Kajagoogoo/Flock of Seagulls kinda way (New Wave bands).

I've often told people, "You're okay, I don't care what (insert someone's name here) says about you." Sometimes they ask me what was said about them. I can then honestly say, "If I don't care, how would I know?"
Haha, I suppose those would fall in that category.

Hmm...my SO uses that one on me: "You're all right, I don't care what your mom says about you when you're in the bathroom."
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Old 12-28-2009, 12:13 PM
 
Location: In my skin
7,920 posts, read 8,469,537 times
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I find that people who claim to be brutally honest use honesty as an excuse to be offensive and insolent. I've met several people like that. Can't stand to be around them. I'm fine with honesty if it is constructive, respectful and sincere. I can spot a fake a mile away.
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Old 12-28-2009, 12:25 PM
 
Location: NC
1,427 posts, read 1,860,072 times
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my husband seems to say things w/o thinking when trying to compliment people. I can still remember when we were in our early 30's and met a couple who he indirectly worked with that were in their mid 40's. I complimented the man on his son graduating from high school and his daughter going off to college and my husband just blurted out..soooooooo you all must be hoping for grandchildren soon since you are about that age to want them. The woman looked horrified. It was obvious she was alittle vain and probably the type to get plastic surgery. There was a moment of silence. I later told him, in no way or form would a woman in her mid 40's want to be thought of as a grandma EVEN if she was..just don't bring it up...now he just tells the ladies they look nice...keeping it simple
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Old 12-28-2009, 12:47 PM
 
Location: So Cal
7,129 posts, read 3,420,049 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by goodgal View Post
my husband seems to say things w/o thinking when trying to compliment people. I can still remember when we were in our early 30's and met a couple who he indirectly worked with that were in their mid 40's. I complimented the man on his son graduating from high school and his daughter going off to college and my husband just blurted out..soooooooo you all must be hoping for grandchildren soon since you are about that age to want them. The woman looked horrified. It was obvious she was alittle vain and probably the type to get plastic surgery. There was a moment of silence. I later told him, in no way or form would a woman in her mid 40's want to be thought of as a grandma EVEN if she was..just don't bring it up...now he just tells the ladies they look nice...keeping it simple
LOL! This reminds me of that scene in "Something's Gotta Give" when Jack Nicholson says something to Diane Keaton about "women your age." She gives him a calm death glare and he's confused and a little befuddled and tries to explain, "It was just an accurate observation." LOL. I actually agree with his point and felt a little sorry for him. You just can't refer to actual age without it becoming an insult. It's kind of bizarre, actually.
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Old 12-28-2009, 01:12 PM
 
25,170 posts, read 32,288,682 times
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If the backhanded comments are an everyday thing then what type of friend is that? That sounds like a lot of BS to me.
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Old 12-28-2009, 01:16 PM
 
Location: Orlando, FL
12,153 posts, read 10,028,828 times
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I've had a couple of people tell me I'm pretty...for a big girl. Never really knew how to take that. I guess if you compare me to a bunch of fat chicks I'm pretty but compared to skinny girls I'm a beast
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Old 12-28-2009, 01:17 PM
 
8,424 posts, read 22,846,073 times
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Do I have any friends/family like this in my life..no. Do I run into these people. YES. And its a lovely game of who can be the bigger backhander. I personally love to see the look of fear in the eyes of someone who enjoys backhanding, but due to getting the business end of it. Especially the lip/eye/face fall when you smile at them.
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Old 12-28-2009, 01:25 PM
 
Location: So Cal
7,129 posts, read 3,420,049 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by artsyguy View Post
If the backhanded comments are an everyday thing then what type of friend is that? That sounds like a lot of BS to me.
If you're talking about the friend in my original post, it's not always about backhanded compliments. She's just very outgoing, chatty, enthusiastic, and I don't think she stops to think about what she's saying sometimes. I could be wrong, but I've known her for about 25 years, and I think it's just her open, straightforward, full-speed-ahead personality.

I actually sat down with her once to explain that I didn't feel comfortable with her discussing something having to do with me, and I requested that she stop doing it, and she genuinely looked thoughtful as she considered where I was coming from, and she agreed not to do it anymore. She's very open and honest about herself, including her faults, so I don't think it had occurred to her that I might be more private about things.

Like cricket said, though, I know plenty of people who, in my opinion, blatantly say things to hurt people while still trying to look innocent. Sooner or later, I think their real intent shows through.
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Old 12-28-2009, 01:43 PM
 
Location: Bradenton, Florida
27,238 posts, read 25,099,250 times
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Is it more important to be tactful, or truthful?
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