I don't really get it... (therapy, ugly, conversations, problems)

[mango tango]

Originally Posted by photobuff42

This is very hard for me. I am always hoping that they want companionship, friendship, someone fun to be around, good sex, but it seems that they are either looking for someone to take care of them or just the sex.

How do you get them to talk about what they want from you?

Everyone wants the qualities you stated! Even the jerks and players. They just want it with an on/off button or from various sources.

What I was trying to say is that an outgoing, adventurous person who loves life is probably not going to be attracted to the girl who is pessimistic and rarely socializes.

It's pretty easy to find out what traits a person values. Just get them talking about people they genuinely like.

[wanneroo]

Originally Posted by TKramar

It's hard to explain--but I don't feel as if we have to have that "talk" about where this relationship is headed first.

I have always found if you actually have to sit down and discuss the "relationship" at any point before or during the first couple dates, then it is dead in the water.

There is either a natural connection or there isn't.

To me if you have to run through a checklist of all these expectations, demands and timeframes, then it's going nowhere.

[nuala]

Originally Posted by Jdawg8181

So what gives?

I'm a 28 year old female, successful @ my job, college-educated, I've owned my home for about 2 years now, I'm a hard-worker, I do volunteer work, I'm nice, I'm smart, I'm funny, I work out and have a great body, I'm very attractive, I don't do drugs or smoke and I drink rarely, I have a clean record in terms of never being arrested ot anything like that, I have a great social life...and yet i can't find someone who wants to date me.

I'm not perfect I know that...but where in my self-description is something that someone would find unattractive about wanting to date me?

I have worked hard and accomplished so much, but I find myself never good enough for any man.

Sorry...I don't really get it. Do men just want to date and marry bitchy ditzy bimbos with no money?

Watch "Up In the Air" movie. Two women face to face, a 23 yo and a 40ish (?) yo. Remarkable. Maybe there is the answer for the inquiring minds.

[ChessieMom]

Originally Posted by I_Love_LI_but

I am rusty since I am married and have not been in the dating game for awhile.

I would say if someone has goal "FUN" on his dating profile, then that's someone to avoid if you want a boyfriend.

I just thought you could give some examples to the OP of ways to vet a perfect stranger as a confirmed bachelor or someone who does want commitment without being too overbearing about it.

So are you talking about online dating then? My profile is down, hopefully permanently, but mine has the word "fun" in it too...I love to have fun. You sure can't go by that word alone...obviously it depends on the context.

I state right in my profile...something to the effect of "There are many here looking for something other that a serious long-term relationship. If that describes you, then please move on - I am definitely not your gal." ANd that has always worked well for me. I talk quite a bit to people before I ever agree to a date...I'm a cautious sort and I want to have a good sense of who that person is before I ever agree to meet them.

If you are talking about meeting someone on the street, then phone conversations are also in order, before I go out. That's just the way I do things...and I've never had a guy pressure me prematurely.

[Dorrans]

Originally Posted by tamajane

In NYC or LA? Not so much.

I keep hearing this, why is that? Are those places just full of horrible superficial stupid people? - Mind you, both LA and NYC are massive cities.

[ChessieMom]

Originally Posted by I_Love_LI_but

I am rusty since I am married and have not been in the dating game for awhile.

I would say if someone has goal "FUN" on his dating profile, then that's someone to avoid if you want a boyfriend.

I just thought you could give some examples to the OP of ways to vet a perfect stranger as a confirmed bachelor or someone who does want commitment without being too overbearing about it.

Wait...you are married????

[tamajane]

Originally Posted by Dorrans

I keep hearing this, why is that? Are those places just full of horrible superficial stupid people? - Mind you, both LA and NYC are massive cities.

Too many attractive single women, fast pace, lots of nightlife, not so conservative = FUNTIME

People get ruined by LA all the time. I plan to live there someday.

[I_Love_LI_but]

Originally Posted by ChessieMom

Wait...you are married????

Yes. Why be dubious?

I am on this thread just trying to help out the OP.

[ChessieMom]

Originally Posted by I_Love_LI_but

Yes. Why be dubious?

I am on this thread just trying to help out the OP.

Ah...sorry. Misinterpreted your earlier posts.

[I_Love_LI_but]

Originally Posted by Dorrans

I keep hearing this, why is that? Are those places just full of horrible superficial stupid people? - Mind you, both LA and NYC are massive cities.

I can really only talk about NYC and its rep.

NYC attracts people who are supercompetitive from all over the world ... wannabe stars, wannabe masters of the universe, wannabe captains of industry. In order to get up in the stratosphere, often these people are not ones who "play nice with others" but are more the "out for myself" type. The bad dating/marriage rep NYC has is because of these types for whom no mere mortal man or woman is good enough and who are constantly on the lookout to date the NEXT hottest thing. Also there is a large contingent of successful playboy bachelors milking the free cows (aka nubile and pretty golddiggers). And the golddiggers are in competition with the "upper crust career women" who try (mostly in vain if they are thinking marriage) to snag the eligible bachelors because no other man is rich, etc., enough for them. (Since there are only so many hedge fund managers, CEOs and super attorneys to go around, many bitter tears are shed.) Then we have the added complication of the media representations of our city and the thousands of transplants who move here determined to live out those fictional lifestyles. Young women are moving here determined to live out "Sex and the City" for example (which I thought was a horrid show that made NY women look like trendy and shallow sl*ts).

For the real people with no illusions of fame and greatness, dating is not that awful. For instance, I met my husband in a bar in Manhattan. We got married a couple of years later.

As for the reputation of overworking and hard partying, yes NY'ers are into that. Bars stay open a lot longer here than they do in other places and actually you can even find a pub or two serving booze at 9 am. It is the culture here to work long hours. I remember the last transit strike, where it was on the news that people were walking miles to work, over the Brooklyn Bridge (even the mayor walked to work), even from the outer boroughs to Manhattan. A friend of my husband who lives in California saw the news reports, called and said how he could NOT BELIEVE people were walking for hours to get to and from work. All we could tell him was "only in NY!"