Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Everyone wants the qualities you stated! Even the jerks and players. They just want it with an on/off button or from various sources.
What I was trying to say is that an outgoing, adventurous person who loves life is probably not going to be attracted to the girl who is pessimistic and rarely socializes.
It's pretty easy to find out what traits a person values. Just get them talking about people they genuinely like.
So you're saying that traits a person values in people they genuinely like equates to what they want out of a relationship with you? Even a person that's really a player?
So you're saying that traits a person values in people they genuinely like equates to what they want out of a relationship with you? Even a person that's really a player?
Ack, sorry to confuse you! Here, I'll try again.
What most people generally want out of a relationship/other person breaks off into two parts:
1) The Standard - this is what most people - young and old, pretty and ugly, rich and poor, men and women - want. Companionship, warmness, accepting, caring, fun - someone that's a joy to be around and you click with. Someone that makes you feel like a million bucks and you can talk about anything with.
2) Individual Tastes - this varies from person to person. Some people want someone that's more laid back and calm while some people want the life of the party. One person may want someone who's more serious; another may want someone who's silly at times.
The point I was trying to make is that sometimes you can tell what a person looks for in others by looking at his/her friends. This is not always a guarantee because I know many people who don't really like their friends and have friendships of convenience. However, if you can tell that it is a true friendship, it can be very telling.
My comment about players was that even though they're not looking for commitment, they are still looking for the standard traits in women (but it's not a necessity since they won't be hanging around too long). I doubt that even guys who are players and jerks go out and think "Alright, let's find a woman that makes me feel like complete and utter $hit, is more boring than a pile of rocks, and has less compassion than Hitler."
NYC attracts people who are supercompetitive from all over the world ... wannabe stars, wannabe masters of the universe, wannabe captains of industry. In order to get up in the stratosphere, often these people are not ones who "play nice with others" but are more the "out for myself" type. The bad dating/marriage rep NYC has is because of these types for whom no mere mortal man or woman is good enough and who are constantly on the lookout to date the NEXT hottest thing. Also there is a large contingent of successful playboy bachelors milking the free cows (aka nubile and pretty golddiggers). And the golddiggers are in competition with the "upper crust career women" who try (mostly in vain if they are thinking marriage) to snag the eligible bachelors because no other man is rich, etc., enough for them. (Since there are only so many hedge fund managers, CEOs and super attorneys to go around, many bitter tears are shed.) Then we have the added complication of the media representations of our city and the thousands of transplants who move here determined to live out those fictional lifestyles. Young women are moving here determined to live out "Sex and the City" for example (which I thought was a horrid show that made NY women look like trendy and shallow sl*ts).
For the real people with no illusions of fame and greatness, dating is not that awful. For instance, I met my husband in a bar in Manhattan. We got married a couple of years later.
As for the reputation of overworking and hard partying, yes NY'ers are into that. Bars stay open a lot longer here than they do in other places and actually you can even find a pub or two serving booze at 9 am. It is the culture here to work long hours. I remember the last transit strike, where it was on the news that people were walking miles to work, over the Brooklyn Bridge (even the mayor walked to work), even from the outer boroughs to Manhattan. A friend of my husband who lives in California saw the news reports, called and said how he could NOT BELIEVE people were walking for hours to get to and from work. All we could tell him was "only in NY!"
Thanks for the sound report Sounds like a bigger and more vibrant version of London.
What most people generally want out of a relationship/other person breaks off into two parts:
1) The Standard - this is what most people - young and old, pretty and ugly, rich and poor, men and women - want. Companionship, warmness, accepting, caring, fun - someone that's a joy to be around and you click with. Someone that makes you feel like a million bucks and you can talk about anything with.
2) Individual Tastes - this varies from person to person. Some people want someone that's more laid back and calm while some people want the life of the party. One person may want someone who's more serious; another may want someone who's silly at times.
The point I was trying to make is that sometimes you can tell what a person looks for in others by looking at his/her friends. This is not always a guarantee because I know many people who don't really like their friends and have friendships of convenience. However, if you can tell that it is a true friendship, it can be very telling.
My comment about players was that even though they're not looking for commitment, they are still looking for the standard traits in women (but it's not a necessity since they won't be hanging around too long). I doubt that even guys who are players and jerks go out and think "Alright, let's find a woman that makes me feel like complete and utter $hit, is more boring than a pile of rocks, and has less compassion than Hitler."
This is true, and I'm proof. Most of my friends are similar to me and have the same sense of values and are hardworking, loyal and have integrity. We go out of our way to help each other in anyway we can. My buds for life. My dad's BF that just passed away was his BF since the first grade. Now that was a lifetime friendship and I knew him my whole life. When we lost him it was like losing my own dad.
Someone educated- at least a bachelors, someone smart, someone nice, someone funny, someone decently attractive (he doesn't have to be the hottest thing going, but also don't want someone ugly either), someone who takes of himself physically (not necessarily some macho guy, but someone who watches what he eats and goes to the gym), someone who can support himself financially, someone who has a decent-good job...or is unemployed due to the state of economy and actively looking for a new one, someone supportive, someone who wants a commitment and a wife and kids one day (basically not the typical "bachelor" mentality).
Not required, but also it would be nice he had a good social life and was close with his family.
There's the problem, too much stock in accomplishments, too concerned about image. So you're telling me if I scored on all the others you would walk the other way because I don't have a degree?
I'm a 28 year old female, successful @ my job, college-educated, I've owned my home for about 2 years now, I'm a hard-worker, I do volunteer work, I'm nice, I'm smart, I'm funny, I work out and have a great body, I'm very attractive, I don't do drugs or smoke and I drink rarely, I have a clean record in terms of never being arrested ot anything like that, I have a great social life...and yet i can't find someone who wants to date me.
I'm not perfect I know that...but where in my self-description is something that someone would find unattractive about wanting to date me?
I have worked hard and accomplished so much, but I find myself never good enough for any man.
Sorry...I don't really get it. Do men just want to date and marry bitchy ditzy bimbos with no money?
You know, there's simply NOT enough there to make any kind of serious evaluation. All we see are the GOOD things, or at least your perception of how good these things about you are.
I'm not saying you're NOT great, or that these things you have listed aren't wonderful qualities -- they certainly ARE great qualities, spectacular qualities, even.
So -- what's the problem?
Here's where your thinking needs to start:
Very, very, very, very, very, very, VERY rarely in nature or society is it a case of "I'm fine, they're all screwed up." It happens, sure, and it happens in different ways. Just not very often.
Therefore either A) you're going to the wrong places to meet men, B) living in an area which is top-heavy in women or C) something is wrong with the SINGULAR common denominator in this equation: You.
I cannot possibly say what that thing might or might not be since I don't know you. The closest thing I can do is give you an example.
Some years back I was dating a woman I found physically very, very attractive. She was most definitely my type in the face and body, and awesome in the sack. NO problems there.
She could cook and enjoyed it, as do I -- no problems there.
She was very well-educated, having obtained her Master's degree in her chosen field -- a finite field, but a good one and she was, as I stated, well-educated. No problem there.
She was intelligent and could carry on a relatively decent variety of conversations. She came from a rural background similar to my own. She had a GOOD job and, during our relationship, purchased her own home.
She was funny, could be very clever about many things. Bubbly personality, easy to like.
She didn't do drugs or smoke, rarely drank. Hard worker, volunteer, good social life...
Any of this sound familiar so far?
So why am I NOT with her today, years later? If she was all that, then what could possibly be wrong?
Well, not saying this is YOU, because this was HER.
She was incredibly selfish and inconsiderate once you got to know her. She had NO qualms about stabbing you in the back to gain advantage, her favorite pastime was finger-pointing, followed closely by sniping gossip.
She pressed me very hard to move the relationship forward but when I tried to do so she back-pedaled. It wasn't convenient for her. Later when she bought her house she spoke of us moving in together and called it "our house" but wanted me to know that I needed to pay what turned out to be very high RENT for living in HER house. Thank God I never went there.
She was nosy and would get into my things in my apartment without asking. It's one thing to browse, quite another to wait for someone to leave the room and start opening things to rifle through them.
She once threw a party for me. Great, right? She got into my wallet when I wasn't around, made a copy of a contact list I carried back then and phoned up people from my past and present. On one hand sure, meant as a gesture of goodwill; on the other, she went through my wallet without asking, did so pretty early in the relationship.
She had no qualms about beating up or criticizing my life and belongings but wanted hers respected and treated like gold. When I'd point this out she'd deny it and try to gloss the situation over.
She liked to think more of her education than it was actually worth. One day while planting flower bulbs in her back yard we disagreed over a planting method. I grew up on a farm doing this stuff but she got in my face with the question "WHICH one of us has their Master's degree, huh?"
(If a Masters in Music Therapy equals Horticulture, sure, go for it.)
This woman is long gone from my life, and good riddance. But for all that really negative stuff, she had ALL the qualities you list in yourself. All of them.
So clearly there's MORE to the picture; you've just got to figure out what.
I'd start by revising my opinion of men as a whole; statements like "Do all men just want a bimbo" (or your equivalent thereof) are a definitive turn-off to any man with a functioning brain and a shred of self-esteem. Definitive, I tell you. Make us snap to the position of attention, execute an about-face and realize we're late for the nearest door.
In defense of Jdawg3094834 (sorry, can't remember!), I am like her in that I suppose all of you would scoff at my mental list of traits-I-would-like-in-a-guy. I'm not the type to EVER settle, but I also don't have my head 10,000 feet up in the clouds. I want a connection, but I also want us to be on the same page about life. If I wanted to do XYZ and liked ABC, then - in the long run - it wouldn't work with a guy who was the complete opposite no matter how intense our connection was because the other factors DO come into play. Anyways, I'm not planning on settling down anytime soon so I'm good for another 5-8 years lol.
You know, there's simply NOT enough there to make any kind of serious evaluation. All we see are the GOOD things, or at least your perception of how good these things about you are.
I'm not saying you're NOT great, or that these things you have listed aren't wonderful qualities -- they certainly ARE great qualities, spectacular qualities, even.
So -- what's the problem?
Here's where your thinking needs to start:
Very, very, very, very, very, very, VERY rarely in nature or society is it a case of "I'm fine, they're all screwed up." It happens, sure, and it happens in different ways. Just not very often.
Therefore either A) you're going to the wrong places to meet men, B) living in an area which is top-heavy in women or C) something is wrong with the SINGULAR common denominator in this equation: You.
I cannot possibly say what that thing might or might not be since I don't know you. The closest thing I can do is give you an example.
Some years back I was dating a woman I found physically very, very attractive. She was most definitely my type in the face and body, and awesome in the sack. NO problems there.
She could cook and enjoyed it, as do I -- no problems there.
She was very well-educated, having obtained her Master's degree in her chosen field -- a finite field, but a good one and she was, as I stated, well-educated. No problem there.
She was intelligent and could carry on a relatively decent variety of conversations. She came from a rural background similar to my own. She had a GOOD job and, during our relationship, purchased her own home.
She was funny, could be very clever about many things. Bubbly personality, easy to like.
She didn't do drugs or smoke, rarely drank. Hard worker, volunteer, good social life...
Any of this sound familiar so far?
So why am I NOT with her today, years later? If she was all that, then what could possibly be wrong?
Well, not saying this is YOU, because this was HER.
She was incredibly selfish and inconsiderate once you got to know her. She had NO qualms about stabbing you in the back to gain advantage, her favorite pastime was finger-pointing, followed closely by sniping gossip.
She pressed me very hard to move the relationship forward but when I tried to do so she back-pedaled. It wasn't convenient for her. Later when she bought her house she spoke of us moving in together and called it "our house" but wanted me to know that I needed to pay what turned out to be very high RENT for living in HER house. Thank God I never went there.
She was nosy and would get into my things in my apartment without asking. It's one thing to browse, quite another to wait for someone to leave the room and start opening things to rifle through them.
She once threw a party for me. Great, right? She got into my wallet when I wasn't around, made a copy of a contact list I carried back then and phoned up people from my past and present. On one hand sure, meant as a gesture of goodwill; on the other, she went through my wallet without asking, did so pretty early in the relationship.
She had no qualms about beating up or criticizing my life and belongings but wanted hers respected and treated like gold. When I'd point this out she'd deny it and try to gloss the situation over.
She liked to think more of her education than it was actually worth. One day while planting flower bulbs in her back yard we disagreed over a planting method. I grew up on a farm doing this stuff but she got in my face with the question "WHICH one of us has their Master's degree, huh?"
(If a Masters in Music Therapy equals Horticulture, sure, go for it.)
This woman is long gone from my life, and good riddance. But for all that really negative stuff, she had ALL the qualities you list in yourself. All of them.
So clearly there's MORE to the picture; you've just got to figure out what.
I'd start by revising my opinion of men as a whole; statements like "Do all men just want a bimbo" (or your equivalent thereof) are a definitive turn-off to any man with a functioning brain and a shred of self-esteem. Definitive, I tell you. Make us snap to the position of attention, execute an about-face and realize we're late for the nearest door.
Good luck.
I wanted to rep you so bad. You completely hit the nail on the head (not the OP's head, but just a potential situation).
Since I had the day off from work, I spent the better part of 6 hours reading through your 2-plus years of posting. I thought I owed it to you to learn more, after my last post here. It was a very interesting read. I think you should take a VERY long break from the dating scene and just concentrate on taking care of yourself. You have talked down upon everyone and everything that doesn't have a bachelor degree or involve Long Island. You are either a narcissist or just chronically immature and you'll probably be alone for the rest of your life. Don't worry, I'm alone too. But at least I know I prefer it.
Don't worry so much about status. I'm educated and have a good career, my wife is not educated, and has a low paying job. Had I emphasized those things, I would have missed out on a great woman whom I love dearly.
Don't be the woman with something to prove; it is a real turn off to men. Relax, be yourself, let your guard down, and broaden your horizons. Good luck.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Sounds like a bigger and more vibrant version of London.
You completely hit the nail on the head (not the OP's head, but just a potential situation). 
