the opposit of an ultimatum did handle this right? really need fedback, please (dating, boyfriend)

[maddog1]

Ok, so my boyfriend and I just had the moving in together discussion. We have been playing with the idea for a couple of months now. Issues that have stood in the way (according to him, I am and always have been since month 2 ready to commit to him in this way) are my pets, and not so much an issue, just I need to move over my utilities and move out of my place, just every day practical stuff that hasn't got done becasue he (and I feel he is turning it around on me) says I always say "I don't really live here". Anyways, the way I ended the conversation is that I will love him no matter what he decieds but I want honesty, if he doesn't want it and isn't ready to move in together, I want to know. I explained that I gave my ex husband an ultimatum and I know that doesn't work. He says he honestly doesn't know and will have to give it more thought becasue sometimes he thinks he wants that and sometimes he doesn't. What do you guys think? Did I handle it right? Kind of freaking out becasue I know what I want, I want to live with him. I love him very much.

[MagnoliaThunder]

Do NOT -- I repeat do NOT - move in with him. The seeds of doubts he has now will grown into huge problems for you. Keep your separate residence and your pets...you can still see him, love him and stay over, but he is really not ready for it ... he is showing you that when he says what he said. Please do not make this mistake -- good luck.

[wigirl920]

Originally Posted by maddog1

Ok, so my boyfriend and I just had the moving in together discussion. We have been playing with the idea for a couple of months now. Issues that have stood in the way (according to him, I am and always have been since month 2 ready to commit to him in this way) are my pets, and not so much an issue, just I need to move over my utilities and move out of my place, just every day practical stuff that hasn't got done becasue he (and I feel he is turning it around on me) says I always say "I don't really live here" - I don't becasue my pets are not there etc. Anyways, the way I ended the conversation is that I will love him no matter what he decieds but I want honesty, if he doesn't want it and isn't ready to move in together, I want to know. I explained that I gave my ex husband an ultimatum and I know that doesn't work. He says he honestly doesn't know and will have to give it more thought becasue sometimes he thinks he wants that and sometimes he doesn't. What do you guys think? Did I handle it right? Kind of freaking out becasue I know what I want, I want to live with him. I love him very much.

Give him the time to think about it, as he requested. The last thing you want to do is move in together if he's not 100% sure.

[hothulamaui]

so if I understand right, you have been trying to move in together but you haven't moved out of your apt. then when he tells you you don't really live there because you have yet to do this, you ask him if he really wants to move in together and he said I am not sure. if that is about it. I would say yes you did the right thing. if he is unsure then he is unsure and you moving in with him would only make for a lack luster relationship. he could also think that although you say you are ready, you never made the moves to make it happen which to some could signal that you are really ready either. either way take it slow and see what happens

[maddog1]

Originally Posted by MagnoliaThunder

Do NOT -- I repeat do NOT - move in with him. The seeds of doubts he has now will grown into huge problems for you. Keep your separate residence and your pets...you can still see him, love him and stay over, but he is really not ready for it ... he is showing you that when he says what he said. Please do not make this mistake -- good luck.

that is how I feel that he's not ready. Maybe I should just wait for him to bring it up again and assume it's a no until he does.... shouldn't he be the one since he's clear on my feelings and has been for some time?

[wigirl920]

Originally Posted by maddog1

that is how I feel that he's not ready. Maybe I should just wait for him to bring it up again and assume it's a no until he does.... shouldn't he be the one since he's clear on my feelings and has been for some time?

I wouldn't necessarily say he's the one who should have to bring it up again; give it some time and if you feel things are still moving in that direction, find a way to bring it up if he does not. Just be careful not to force the issue because that might put him on the defense Good luck.

[Thursday007]

He's not ready and doesn't really want to but he doesn't want to lose you either - but no one wants to be in a forced relationship so I would remove your belongings from his place until he's properly ready.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by maddog1

Ok, so my boyfriend and I just had the moving in together discussion. We have been playing with the idea for a couple of months now. Issues that have stood in the way (according to him, I am and always have been since month 2 ready to commit to him in this way) are my pets, and not so much an issue, just I need to move over my utilities and move out of my place, just every day practical stuff that hasn't got done becasue he (and I feel he is turning it around on me) says I always say "I don't really live here" - I don't becasue my pets are not there etc. Anyways, the way I ended the conversation is that I will love him no matter what he decieds but I want honesty, if he doesn't want it and isn't ready to move in together, I want to know. I explained that I gave my ex husband an ultimatum and I know that doesn't work. He says he honestly doesn't know and will have to give it more thought becasue sometimes he thinks he wants that and sometimes he doesn't. What do you guys think? Did I handle it right? Kind of freaking out becasue I know what I want, I want to live with him. I love him very much.

Why the rush to move in together? Wouldn't you rather he ask you to do it as part of long term committment? Doesn't sound to me like he's ready for that at all right now. Let it be his idea or you'll likely regret it.

[Daphne5]

Originally Posted by maddog1

Ok, so my boyfriend and I just had the moving in together discussion. We have been playing with the idea for a couple of months now. Issues that have stood in the way (according to him, I am and always have been since month 2 ready to commit to him in this way) are my pets, and not so much an issue, just I need to move over my utilities and move out of my place, just every day practical stuff that hasn't got done becasue he (and I feel he is turning it around on me) says I always say "I don't really live here" - I don't becasue my pets are not there etc. Anyways, the way I ended the conversation is that I will love him no matter what he decieds but I want honesty, if he doesn't want it and isn't ready to move in together, I want to know. I explained that I gave my ex husband an ultimatum and I know that doesn't work. He says he honestly doesn't know and will have to give it more thought becasue sometimes he thinks he wants that and sometimes he doesn't. What do you guys think? Did I handle it right? Kind of freaking out becasue I know what I want, I want to live with him. I love him very much.

You certainly did handle it right by not giving him an ultimatum, kudos for that, it's great that you learned a lesson from making that mistake the first time.

Ultimatum's simply don't work in the long run. But nope, don't do it, he doesn't want you to move in. Just get it out of your mind completely.

Furthermore, I detect an odor of desperation emitting from your post. You didn't mention how much time has lapsed between divorce to dating this guy. I would suggest focusing more on yourself, do you do that? Get a hobby and have your own personal activities rather then your focus being totally on this relationship. Not suggesting to be manipulative, but oftentimes people want what they can't have. Buy backing down and not pressuring your boyfriend he may come around. If not, then you've got your answer and saved yourself from having another ex in your baggage.

Best wishes, keep us posted!

[maddog1]

Originally Posted by Daphne5

You certainly did handle it right by not giving him an ultimatum, kudos for that, it's great that you learned a lesson from making that mistake the first time.

Ultimatum's simply don't work in the long run. But nope, don't do it, he doesn't want you to move in. Just get it out of your mind completely.

Furthermore, I detect an odor of desperation emitting from your post. You didn't mention how much time has lapsed between divorce to dating this guy. I would suggest focusing more on yourself, do you do that? Get a hobby and have your own personal activities rather then your focus being totally on this relationship. Not suggesting to be manipulative, but oftentimes people want what they can't have. Buy backing down and not pressuring your boyfriend he may come around. If not, then you've got your answer and saved yourself from having another ex in your baggage.

Best wishes, keep us posted!

yes, you are correct, I realize I am operating from fear rather than love. I mean I love him so I don't want to give him an ultimatum, not becasue Im so great, just becasue I did learn my lesson. I need to back down. Thank-you all. I mean, he is a man, and capable of coming up with this idea on his own if it is what he truely wants. I just bring up the issue out of fear. I do love him and want to live with him, but I fear he does not feel the same.