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I like your reply, miu. I need to tell him my reservations. I do have friends to do outdoor things with; I just have always wanted to be with someone who enjoys and understands my healthy & active lifestyle. I should give him a chance to reflect. Thank you.
Hopefully, once he retires, he will have both the energy and desire to join you in at least some of the outdoor and healthy things that you enjoy doing. See if he will at least consider trying out your lifestyle. Plus it will help him living longer and healthier, which would be a benefit for both of you.
Otherwise, also consider that so far, you've only had a long distance romance with him. It may be that once he moves to your area and you start seeing a LOT more of him, you may change your mind and NOT want to do everything with him. I feel that you will miss your private time by yourself and with your friends. So... be very very careful what you wish for. I speak being a fellow middle-aged person. I've lived with my boyfriend for the last six years, and right now we are in the process of him moving upstairs in my two-family house. I need my private time. And while we do many things together, I love when he does his own thing with his guy friends like camping, hiking and dirt biking.
My advice if you continue with this relationship and he moves to your area, help him to find new friends, ones that he can do some activities with... without you always by his side.
Being soulmates doesn't mean that you are joined at the hips with your s/o like Siamese twins.
Hopefully, once he retires, he will have both the energy and desire to join you in at least some of the outdoor and healthy things that you enjoy doing. See if he will at least consider trying out your lifestyle. Plus it will help him living longer and healthier, which would be a benefit for both of you.
Otherwise, also consider that so far, you've only had a long distance romance with him. It may be that once he moves to your area and you start seeing a LOT more of him, you may change your mind and NOT want to do everything with him. I feel that you will miss your private time by yourself and with your friends. So... be very very careful what you wish for. I speak being a fellow middle-aged person. I've lived with my boyfriend for the last six years, and right now we are in the process of him moving upstairs in my two-family house. I need my private time. And while we do many things together, I love when he does his own thing with his guy friends like camping, hiking and dirt biking.
My advice if you continue with this relationship and he moves to your area, help him to find new friends, ones that he can do some activities with... without you always by his side.
Being soulmates doesn't mean that you are joined at the hips with your s/o like Siamese twins.
I totally agree with this. I'm not sure how much of him you see, with 2 hours between you, but if you aren't spending several days in a row together, and enjoying them and wanting more, then you may be with the wrong person to begin with. 7 years??? If you weren't sure, why did you go on so long??
I know a guy who knows a guy that is a teacher and is dating a woman from California. Apparently they met after a long time, on facebook or one of the other social networks. They used to be boyfriend and girlfriend in highschool . Now that they have reunited, they see each other every few weeks or more. They spend all their time together when she comes to visit him and it is usually only a sexual relationship, though they are constantly talking over the 'net. But its not the same. The guy, who is a teacher, couldn't get a date to save his life, before this woman entered the picture. But as soon as this woman became his girlfriend , the guy kept getting invites from the other women at the school. He went out on a date with all of them, without the girlfriend finding out.
Moral of the story: Its time to cut the cord. Its hardly a real relationship to begin with.
Maybe I'm just freaking out at the thought of having to compromise and to have to live w/someone else again!
I don't think that is having to compromise that is freaking you out so much as the reality has hit home on the level of compromise that a full-time relationship will require.
My synopsis is that all along you have been "settling" for someone with whom you are not truly compatible on enough levels. He sounds like a nice person, you love him and the physical relationship was really good. And that worked, because being two hours apart was a buffer zone and allowed you to pretty much enjoy your life as you like to live it, with an active lifestyle and lots of your physical activities. It worked fine for seven years.
But now, the news that he is planning to retire and move in with you, has awakened reality and upset the "holding pattern" you have been in. It has been comfortable up to now. But now the pilot wants to land and that will bring a whole new lifestyle change.
When you were two hours apart and spent much less time together in the same location, the time you DID spend together most likely consisted of catching up, preparing and eating meals, relaxing together, making love, getting together with friends and family. Would I be correct in my guess that you got a bit restless fairly often with nights in front of the television, or sitting around around? That the physical inactivity bothered you? That when he left, as much as you missed him, you felt a considerable amount of relief at life "returning to normal"? If so, unless he wants to significantly up his activity level all of a sudden, I wouldn't give the relationship much of a chance in the long-term. Shared interests and shared activities are really important.
My main concern in all of this though, would be the following:
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1earth
. . . all along, I've had second thoughts
. . .
As others have said, it is really time to lay all the cards on the table and have a serious talk with him about the nagging doubts that have suddenly crystalized, before he ups sticks and moves. I wish you all the best.
that implies this guy isn't your soulmate, so, you have in fact wasted 7 years of his life, and got him to the point where he's ready to give up what he has and move to be with you, for a belief which is based on false hopes, and a love which may not truly exist ??
way to go.
and to make it worse, you've now realised you are making a huge mistake, because you don't have much in common, and you acept that you are "settling".
yet, you STILL talk about getting this guy to move with you, and then hoping you can change him ??
you're with this guy, but still looking on dating sites, which implies you must think you can do better..
and, the USER OF THE MONTH award for January goes to....................
I'm just confused (like everyone else) why on earth it took you 7 years to figure all of this out??? I've been with my b/f for 5 years, the relationship is solid in spite of us not sharing every single interest.
We do share quite a bit but there's a lot we don't. I think in any relationship you do need some of your "own" hobbies and interests that are not shared.
I think you need to really look deep into the reasons you are just now thinking this guy isn't for you. It sounds like on the surface everything is great, is it that big of a deal if he doesn't share every single interest?
You might break things off, meet someone who shares all of your activity interests but might have all sorts of drama elsewhere. I would like to believe you can have it all but realistically, once you are older, you are going to meet people who have had some diversity in their lives. Your guy sounds like a good match, I'd stick it out and try to motivate him to do at least one activity with you before I'd throw in the towel.
You need to be honest with this guy and tell him you want to date others.
If he gave up his job, moved to your city, etc. and then you told him how you feel it'd be really unfair to him.
I don't belive in "soul mates" but go ahead and let this one go if you don't love him. And pray you don't have to give up some of your activities as you continue to age or you may end up inactive AND alone.
That's a harsh way to do someone string them along for 7 years that is. You may be older but seriously I think you are not acting very mature. Since when must your s/o have to like doing everything you like? What a bore! The most successful marriages I have seen involve the couple having some alone time where they do some activities alone or with friends. If you have some extreme or uncommon physical activity/hobby the chances mathematically speaking of you finding a 'soulmate' who likes the same thing but is also compatible with you in every other way is slim to none.
Finding someone who will love you, and is willing to wait 7 yrs for you plus you have a good sex life with is more important than if he likes to swim. Find a friend or family member or get a dog to go along with you are your exercise jaunts. Don't throw a good man away over something so silly. The new guy you have found may not work out so what then? Grass is always greener on the other side, huh? Just remember the older you get the less attractive YOU will be to men. Men generally date younger than themselves. If you ever want a real-life relationship instead of make believe online relationship you need to quit tossing men to the wind just because they aren't exercise jocks.
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I speak being a fellow middle-aged person. I've lived with my boyfriend for the last six years, and right now we are in the process of him moving upstairs in my two-family house. I need my private time. And while we do many things together, I love when he does his own thing with his guy friends like camping, hiking and dirt biking.
