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Old 01-10-2010, 03:25 PM
 
3 posts, read 9,371 times
Reputation: 15

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I met a wonderful guy on Match.com nearly 7 years ago, and we've been dating ever since long-distance (2 hrs apart). It's come to the point where he's planning on retiring from teaching and moving here with me (we're both middle aged, divorced, with grown kids). The physical part of the relationship is everything we both could want, and we have very compatible personality types (no issues with money, kids, family, friends, or religion). Sound perfect? Well, here's my problem: all along, I've had second thoughts because we have very different interest/activity levels: I love to xc ski, hike, workout regularly (1-2 hrs/day), love being outside, while he is relatively sedentary and exercises sporadically. He doesn't ski at all, and if he does an activity, it's only at a "lightweight" level. He also is not a water person, and my family has a cottage where we spend a lot of time in summer - he does not like to swim, sit by the lake..and one of the biggest issues for me is musical tastes - he only likes broadway music, and I really don't care for it.
Though we are in a "committed" relationship, I have been "cheating" by looking at on-line dating sites - and now I have met someone who shares those activities/interests. I'm not sure he's "the one", but we have far more in common (on the surface). Should I level w/my boyfriend and say I want a break? Should I totally break up? Or should I be happy with what I have? Maybe I'm just freaking out at the thought of having to compromise and to have to live w/someone else again! Any advice would be welcome!
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Old 01-10-2010, 03:45 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,225 posts, read 22,602,281 times
Reputation: 24023
So, you are just now figuring this one out after spending 7 years with this guy, even though it was long distance? Thats a long time, but maybe the thought of a "real commitment" set in, and you finally realized that the two of you have nothing in common, you share no interests together?

I would have to say that, that part of a relationship is very important. You want to be with someone who shares your interests, as you share his, and live life to the fullest.

I think that if your unsure of this relationship, then you need to tell him now, before he cuts his ties, and moves to you.
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Old 01-10-2010, 03:47 PM
 
253 posts, read 956,744 times
Reputation: 270
Definitely don't want to come off harsh or sound judgmental, but I am a firm believer that cheating doesn't just constitute physical ties. As is often said, cheating is anything you would not do or say in front of your partner...or don't want them to know about. You haven't consummated anything, but you are definitely investing your emotions and time into someone else or other connections.

So you aren't really committed.

The options you presented are definitely things to think about. They are good ones, at that. At this point, if you break off the other connection with this new person, (since it's still in very early phase), then commit to making things work with your current and stick to that. Break the habit of looking online and stay focused on what you have.

If you really feel drawn and distracted constantly by seeking someone else or this new guy in particular (seeing where it goes) and you keep "looking", then I would take that as a sign that you aren't really satisfied in your current relationship and you want something else or different or you might not even want a commitment at this point in your life. (just casual dating experiences). This doesn't always mean the person you are with is a bad person or partner...just not for you.

I am inclined to go with the latter option (breaking your current connection), based on how you described things. I think it might be best to go with your gut and follow the lead of your actions and see other people, but break off the current connection so that you are being fair, ethical and considerate to your partner since he doesn't deserve to be lied to.

I hope, whatever decision you make, things work out. Good luck.
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Old 01-10-2010, 04:05 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,141 posts, read 34,634,426 times
Reputation: 16241
I think that you need to tell your current boyfriend your reservations about the relationship. Let him know that most of him is perfect for you, but that his couch potato lifestyle disapoints you. Give him a chance to reflect on what the two of you have and see if a compromise can be worked out. Is there any chance that once he moves in with you, he will join you in some of these outdoor activities?

Otherwise, don't you have other companions to do this outdoor activities with? What if he's staying inside and preparing some gourmet meal for you? And do you consider his more sedentary lifestyle to be unhealthy to the point of shortening his lifespan?

But don't be cheating on him. Be fair to him and cut him loose if he's really not "the one" for you as it's not too late for him to find a woman to love that loves all of him, not just part of him.
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Old 01-10-2010, 04:11 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
6,772 posts, read 11,894,704 times
Reputation: 6513
Sooo you led this guy on for SEVEN YEARS?
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Old 01-10-2010, 04:18 PM
 
Location: somewhere south of Canada
2,161 posts, read 3,869,122 times
Reputation: 2572
Quote:
Originally Posted by sophialee View Post
Sooo you led this guy on for SEVEN YEARS?
Kind of what I was thinking

That is a pretty crappy thing to do to someone. I was "led on" for two years and the break-up was the most devastating thing I've ever been through. My ex-fiance had been lying to me about things that were important to him. Why didn't he just spare both of us the time and trouble? Some people just don't get it
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Old 01-10-2010, 04:43 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,141 posts, read 34,634,426 times
Reputation: 16241
Quote:
Originally Posted by sophialee View Post
Sooo you led this guy on for SEVEN YEARS?
I don't think that 1earth had any evil intentions. After all, except for her love for outdoor activities, they still have a lot of compatibility. Plus he was willing to eventually move to her area. And really most would be quite happy with all of that. However, after seven years some of that initial crush bloom has worn off and reality has set in. And having move to her area is well quite a serious move on his part. So perhaps the O.P. is not getting slightly cold feet about this... which I think is perfectly natural. Shrug.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1earth View Post
I met a wonderful guy on Match.com nearly 7 years ago, and we've been dating ever since long-distance (2 hrs apart). It's come to the point where he's planning on retiring from teaching and moving here with me (we're both middle aged, divorced, with grown kids). The physical part of the relationship is everything we both could want, and we have very compatible personality types (no issues with money, kids, family, friends, or religion). Sound perfect? Well, here's my problem: all along, I've had second thoughts because we have very different interest/activity levels: I love to xc ski, hike, workout regularly (1-2 hrs/day), love being outside, while he is relatively sedentary and exercises sporadically. He doesn't ski at all, and if he does an activity, it's only at a "lightweight" level. He also is not a water person, and my family has a cottage where we spend a lot of time in summer - he does not like to swim, sit by the lake..and one of the biggest issues for me is musical tastes - he only likes broadway music, and I really don't care for it.
Though we are in a "committed" relationship, I have been "cheating" by looking at on-line dating sites - and now I have met someone who shares those activities/interests. I'm not sure he's "the one", but we have far more in common (on the surface). Should I level w/my boyfriend and say I want a break? Should I totally break up? Or should I be happy with what I have? Maybe I'm just freaking out at the thought of having to compromise and to have to live w/someone else again! Any advice would be welcome!
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Old 01-10-2010, 07:23 PM
 
3 posts, read 9,371 times
Reputation: 15
Default Cowardly me..

It's complicated, yet simple at the same time: I don't want to hurt this guy - I really love him, yet I feel like I'd be "settling" in one respect - we do have a fabulous physical relationship, which is one big reason I've hesitated - I've never had such a great time together that way with ANY man - and he is really kind and sweet & affectionate - & yes, he would cook for me - ANDA my kids love him & he loves them. What a mess..but I haven't been able to bring myself to tell him that otherwise I think we are too different..seems like the responses here tell me I need to be brave..
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Old 01-10-2010, 07:27 PM
 
Location: 2nd state in the union...
2,382 posts, read 4,059,987 times
Reputation: 1599
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1earth View Post
It's complicated, yet simple at the same time: I don't want to hurt this guy - I really love him, yet I feel like I'd be "settling" in one respect - we do have a fabulous physical relationship, which is one big reason I've hesitated - I've never had such a great time together that way with ANY man - and he is really kind and sweet & affectionate - & yes, he would cook for me - ANDA my kids love him & he loves them. What a mess..but I haven't been able to bring myself to tell him that otherwise I think we are too different..seems like the responses here tell me I need to be brave..
Look at it this way - no matter what your decision, you're going to have a difficult talk with him...either to tell him you want to break it off or to talk with him about your concerns.

If you truly want to try and work it out then yes, you need to be brave and have a talk with him.

Good luck.
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Old 01-10-2010, 07:28 PM
 
3 posts, read 9,371 times
Reputation: 15
I like your reply, miu. I need to tell him my reservations. I do have friends to do outdoor things with; I just have always wanted to be with someone who enjoys and understands my healthy & active lifestyle. I should give him a chance to reflect. Thank you.
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