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I live with a passive-aggressive mother. At times she can be as sweet as pie and other times she can be a total witch. Bless her heart I really love her, but she is good at instigating trouble, playing the martyr and making people feel sorry for her. I want to move out but don't make enough money to make the income requirement of most apartment managers around here. But I'm still looking.
In the meantime I try to tell myself that it's the way she is and it really has nothing to do with me. But I have a very stressful job and I can't deal with that and then wondering what kind of mood she's going to be in either (it's almost always bad).
I also had a boyfriend once who seemed like the nicest person and we had a lot in common. Then one day he started going off on me in public for something I said. I was just shocked and thought "whoa". It's funny how you never really know someone. I didn't ever try to talk to him again and I waited to break up with him until I knew he wouldn't be riding the same bus as me anymore.
But you know what? There were signs before that, like he'd tell me how mad he got at work all the time about something that happened and how he handled it. I remember thinking his behavior was odd but I just told myself that I didn't live his life so I shouldn't judge him until I got a real red flag. And boy did I!
Have you ever lived with someone that had anger issues? Someone that could have benefited from anger management therapy? How did that affect you and others around that person? Did their anger issues show up all of a sudden or is it something that's gone on for a long time?
My whole family is a bunch of angry high-achievers. I'm angry and bitter too. This has gone on all my life. I think we are all so used to it that it has become a norm. I for one refuse to go to anger management because I don't think this is a normal case of anger issues. I usually just throw food across the table at my family when I get angry. We all threaten to disown each other. Holes are punched into walls (not by me cuz I'm wussy). But by the next day it's all forgotten. I think we've all pretty much given up on each other without giving up on being a family. Functional dysfunctionality.
I get angry with other people pretty easily too, but I don't express it as openly. That's cuz I realize that other people are weak and have lower standards, so I can't hold them to the same standards as I am used to judging my family by. That's also probably why I despise holidays and try to work as many of them as possible in order to sabotage family events.
I just found out that I am an angry person. I thought I wasn't an angry person because I don't show my expression until I read some articles I was required to read for my counseling class. I may not show my expression, but it help me realize that I have been an angry person my whole life. Most of the time it's selfish anger when I get angry at something really stupid like people being late. I can get over that within a hour or so, and to be honest, I rarely get super angry at people unless they hurt me personally. I hold onto the memories and it's going to be for a long time until I let it go. I'm sure it's okay to feel hurt and angry, but it's just...I don't know...Hard. The weird thing is that I process my thoughts but not my emotions. I don't deal with them and I surpress them a lot, so I still get angry when I talk. Otherwise, people can live with me. I'm can be quite a peace maker and show a lot of hospitality.
Anger is a normal human response when our well being is threatened. We all have anger when we feel betrayed and are unable to express the pain that we feel. Anger is made up of feelings, thoughts and physiological reactions, which includes adrenalin and cortisol release to prepare for action. While the feelings and physiological reactions cannot always be controlled, the thoughts and the behaviors can be modified and expressed in more acceptable ways.
Don't believe everything you think! The mind can make wrong assumptions and make up things that are just not true. The shoulds are the rules that we make for our self and others that are based on our personal history and way of doing things. Anger is often the result of a person's need to control someone else and tell them what to do based on his own view of how things should be in life.
When I was younger, my dad had serious anger issues. He would yell at my mom in front of strangers if he thought she had done something "wrong" , instead of "right". She developed high blood pressure and has been on medication for decades now. I used to ask her to leave him, because he was simply a selfish jerk with serious anger issues. But my mom never did due to her serious problem with self esteem. He had completely shattered her self esteem. To this day, he controls every aspect of her life, though he mellowed down somewhat after life put him in his place over and over again.
But thanks to him, I will never stay with a man who is similar to him. If a man is rude and overly aggressive, I will not even consider him a man any longer. I know the damage that being near a man like that will do.
Congratulations on your growth. You have seen first hand how destructive this is. My ex-wife grew up with a father like this....and turned out to be very similar. It broke my heart to watch it happen. I had to remove myself and my kids so that the anger cloud would lift.
I do know someone like this. It was my husband. I finally left after he had an affair, but the anger issues were always there and broke our marriage apart. I'm much happier since I left but feeling guilt for leaving and breaking up the family unit. But, in the long run, I know it will be better for everyone. I noticed my daughter was talking to me like her father would and think it was OK. I had to go.
Congratulations on your growth. You have seen first hand how destructive this is. My ex-wife grew up with a father like this....and turned out to be very similar. It broke my heart to watch it happen. I had to remove myself and my kids so that the anger cloud would lift.
Thank you. I am glad you had the courage to do the right thing.
wow was this thread created just for me? I just got home earlier today after visiting my angry family. I cut my trip short and left early. I moved away almost 3 yrs ago. It is very trying living in a house with an angry person and or people. My family thrives on anger. I always felt like the odd ball as I have a completely different temperament. This was very hard for me growing up. I was often the peacemaker and not sure how I ended up with the role but it caused me a lot of grief. Even after moving out, getting married and so forth I was still drug into the family drama. Leaving the state was a blessing for the most part.
I thought the distance would give me even more patience but found it to be the opposite. I am simply spent. I can not change them so I choose to remove myself from the situation when my stress level mounts. I am not sure if this is the weak way of going about it but I really am not sure what is the best solution. I am finding that I go home less often because like this last visit, I end up spending a lot of time on the road. The long drive there and basically me turning around and leaving the very next morning.
I wish I could leave the state. I feel bad because all I want to do is leave my family behind...
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