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Old 01-12-2010, 04:43 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
7,866 posts, read 13,767,324 times
Reputation: 9422
I believe you both need breathing room. Some modicum of privacy. My SO had a life before we met. He still has one now and I expect he will continue to have a life outside our relationship.

If his phone rings, I will tell him. I won't answer his phone or check his email etc. I don't look in his wallet either. I WILL empty his pants pockets if I'm doing laundry but that's not an intentional violation. I don't expect to find anything. I don't read his mail either.
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Old 01-12-2010, 04:43 PM
 
3,536 posts, read 4,321,205 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yankeegirl313 View Post
It would not bother me...I have no secrets.
Ahem. What about the time you removed the tag from your mattress that says do not remove under penalty of law?
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Old 01-12-2010, 04:44 PM
 
Location: Texas
8,063 posts, read 11,358,134 times
Reputation: 3539
Quote:
Originally Posted by moonshadow View Post
Completely agree.

I think it's about respect and trust. I respect my partner's privacy and trust he will extend the same courtesy to me.

If he has things he doesn't want to discuss with me as far as I'm concerned he is perfectly within his rights to keep some things private.

I'll add that my attitude to the right to privacy doesn't just extend to my partner but also to my family and friends and co workers AND myself.
Spot on.

It's all about respect and courtesy. And, yes, I believe that respect and courtesy should ALWAYS be important, no matter how long you've been together. You don't run roughshod over each other just because you "can."

My father thanked my mum for making dinner every single evening of their marriage. And every Sunday before they left for church, he told her she looked "sharp." He didn't have to do these things, of course, but they were simply courtesies and signs of appreciation/respect. (Unfortunately, my mum didn't appreciate them until after he died but that's a whole other story. )

"CAN" you run roughshod through a partner's stuff? Yes, I guess so. SHOULD you? No. I believe it's disrespectful and discourteous. If you wouldn't do that to a stranger, why would you do it to someone you purportedly loved?
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Old 01-12-2010, 04:55 PM
 
Location: Hot Springs, AR
5,612 posts, read 9,456,769 times
Reputation: 3609
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
My husband and I don't hide things from one another, but we give each other space and have respect for each other's privacy. If I need something out of his wallet, like the AAA card because I get a discount at a store where I'm planning to go, I just ask first. If he wants to borrow the tweezers out of my purse, he just brings me my purse. (He has an aversion to putting his hand in there, as if he's going to withdraw his hand and find it covered in nail polish.) I wouldn't mind his seeing any of my e-mails, but I know he would ask before looking at any of them. We ordered some stuff from Amazon that we're waiting for, and if he wanted to look in my e-mail for the tracking number, he would just say so.

I was kind of a snoop when I was younger. It's a sign of insecurity, to me. (And I was. Not anymore.)
It would never occur to me to through my SO's personal belongings answer his phone, etc. unless he specifically said to. And I would be really upset if he didn't ask before he answered my phone, read my emails, etc.

We are both adults and have earned the right to privacy. If I need to be able to answer your phone, read texts, etc to feel secure or comfortable in the relationship, then we don't have much of one to begin with.

Going through each other's things just to prove there's nothing to hide is childish.
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Old 01-12-2010, 06:11 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,846 posts, read 53,394,957 times
Reputation: 22748
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ablees8951 View Post
Are any of you CD posters against using each others phone or whatever? Do you feel the same way as me? Am I making this to be more simple then it is? Haha I just dont think it should be something to fight over.
No, I don't feel the same way. I've never gone through anybody's phone, persomal mail, e-mail, wallet, and I don't answer other people's phones. Of course, I wouldn't appreciate such an invasion, either.
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Old 01-12-2010, 06:23 PM
 
Location: My Private Island
4,928 posts, read 4,470,390 times
Reputation: 12139
Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ View Post
No, I don't feel the same way. I've never gone through anybody's phone, persomal mail, e-mail, wallet, and I don't answer other people's phones. Of course, I wouldn't appreciate such an invasion, either.
+1
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Old 01-12-2010, 07:18 PM
 
9,925 posts, read 8,707,211 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by teatime View Post
Spot on.

It's all about respect and courtesy. And, yes, I believe that respect and courtesy should ALWAYS be important, no matter how long you've been together. You don't run roughshod over each other just because you "can."

My father thanked my mum for making dinner every single evening of their marriage. And every Sunday before they left for church, he told her she looked "sharp." He didn't have to do these things, of course, but they were simply courtesies and signs of appreciation/respect. (Unfortunately, my mum didn't appreciate them until after he died but that's a whole other story. )

"CAN" you run roughshod through a partner's stuff? Yes, I guess so. SHOULD you? No. I believe it's disrespectful and discourteous. If you wouldn't do that to a stranger, why would you do it to someone you purportedly loved?

I completely agree.

My grandparents are a prime example. My grandfather had his "room" at the back of the house and he went there whenever he needed his own space and nobody would ever disturb him while he was there AND my grandmother would never dream of going into that room to clean or poke around. They were married for decades and were always respectful of each others space and private world. It didn't seem to do them any harm.

I think people are only suspicious of their partner's need for privacy IF they sense that the need for privacy is only a disguise for other less honourable activities.

I think if you love and trust your partner and you know them well enough it's easy enough to allow for personal space & personal time. In fact I think it is one of the greatest things you can do for your relationship.

I don't want to be trawling through my partner's emails, personal correspondence and personal "detritus". It's his business and I trust him enough to know that he would never be dishonourable to me.

Besides I think a bit of mystery in a relationship is a good thing.

I want him to come to me with things because he wants to NOT because he's frightened of being found out or because he thinks I expect him to tell me every minute detail of his world. To me, when he shares things of a personal nature with me it's more of a gift if he comes to me of his own volition and not because I'm grilling him about something I found or because I want to know the "ins and outs of a ducks bum" (as my Dad would say )
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Old 01-12-2010, 07:24 PM
 
714 posts, read 882,739 times
Reputation: 624
The one and only time I went snooping through a boyfriend's things, I found a ton of Playboys. I was an early 20's something, and was hurt. I threw them all out and replaced them with Playgirls. He was super PISSED when he saw dongs and men butts. Porn doesn't bother me now, most men look at it anyways. But since then, I have never gone through a man's belongings again.
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Old 01-12-2010, 07:36 PM
 
Location: In my skin
8,038 posts, read 8,930,421 times
Reputation: 7880
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ablees8951 View Post
I Why is there such an issue with not sharing everything with your spouse?
The same could be asked of those who think it is okay. Why is it so important that you share everything with your spouse? And why is it considered sneaky or secretive if you don't?

Being with someone doesn't mean you stop being an individual. This goes for emails, texts, passwords and phone calls as well as doing things without your partner. There is also the issue of keeping a confidence. My friends may not want my SO knowing about their business.

I had my entire life invaded by a psycho I dated a while back, so I'm probably more protective than the average bear. Nobody answers my phone unless I tell them to and my phone and my computer are passcoded. So, if anyone gets the urge to be nosey, they'll know right away how I feel about it. My life is not an open book.
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