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I don't know if it's just an American thing, but I have one word as an answer to your question:
FEAR.
People are fearful of change, fearful of failure and fearful of taking risks.
Fearful of being alone, fearful of losing stability, money etc...Fear paralyzes people and holds them back. Additionally many suffer with tremendous self-doubt and lack of creativity. Not being able to look outside the box. I agree that in this country opportunities are endless, people just need to have the balls to pursue them. I'm not an exception, I have my own issues too.
If you keep holding out for perfection, you can wind up never finding someone. It's all about "opportunity cost". I could "hold out" for a job that will pay me $25 an hour (not that ANYONE is worth that kind of compensation)...and it could be a long time before I ever find such a job. Meanwhile, I'm not working, and not getting anything coming in. Instead, I take the first job offered to me.
Likewise, I'll start up a relationship with the first person that offers one. But it won't last if they have any of those dealbreakers listed in that other thread.
It's not about unrealistic goals or "perfection." It's about changing the things you can to be happy, not simply drifting along in life and complaining.
First off, $25 per hour isn't that much if you have a good education and, no, you don't have to passively "hold out." Want to make $25 an hour? Go back to school or get some specialized skills. I'm not blowing smoke on this, either -- I did a career change as a single mum. Worked full-time and took evening classes. Tough, yes, but the long-term benefits greatly made up for a short-term inconvenience.
As for relationships, well, I guess it's different for women but I would NEVER start up one with anyone offering. That would seem to me to be a recipe for drama and disaster.
How about lack of patience? Some people are tired of dating or being alone so they pick up the first one that say the right thing. It takes effort and time to find the right person. The same with a new life goal like moving somewhere else. It takes time to save money to move to a better place. Then you gotta find a job, then you gotta find a place to live, then you gotta pack and make the move, then you gotta figure out how to make a new social circle if you don't know anyone, etc, etc, etc. Things worth having take a lot of time and effort and lots of people don't want to put forth either.
After my worst relationship ever I made a promise to myself that I would never settle again in a person. I made a specific list of what I wanted in a person for when I was ready to try again and then I stuck to it. And guess what, he showed up about 9 months later at my party. Also with our lives, we are working on changing it. My husband is in school and I plan to be in school next January but we rent because we live in an area that doesn't pay as well as others at the moment. So I told him I will move wherever we can make the best lives for ourselves and our kids. Is that scary? Yes! All of my family is here as well as our friends but after all of our hard work I don't want to reward it by settling.
Location: somewhere close to Tampa, but closer to the beach
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carlitasway
How about lack of patience? Some people are tired of dating or being alone so they pick up the first one that say the right thing. It takes effort and time to find the right person. The same with a new life goal like moving somewhere else. It takes time to save money to move to a better place. Then you gotta find a job, then you gotta find a place to live, then you gotta pack and make the move, then you gotta figure out how to make a new social circle if you don't know anyone, etc, etc, etc. Things worth having take a lot of time and effort and lots of people don't want to put forth either.
After my worst relationship ever I made a promise to myself that I would never settle again in a person. I made a specific list of what I wanted in a person for when I was ready to try again and then I stuck to it. And guess what, he showed up about 9 months later at my party. Also with our lives, we are working on changing it. My husband is in school and I plan to be in school next January but we rent because we live in an area that doesn't pay as well as others at the moment. So I told him I will move wherever we can make the best lives for ourselves and our kids. Is that scary? Yes! All of my family is here as well as our friends but after all of our hard work I don't want to reward it by settling.
Outstanding!!! Yes, it all about a person being driven enough to put in the effort...and the confidence to face, and overcome any fear which might challenge someone... i'll take them all head on..and smash right through them
Location: somewhere close to Tampa, but closer to the beach
2,035 posts, read 5,035,606 times
Reputation: 1099
Quote:
Originally Posted by teatime
It's not about unrealistic goals or "perfection." It's about changing the things you can to be happy, not simply drifting along in life and complaining.
First off, $25 per hour isn't that much if you have a good education and, no, you don't have to passively "hold out." Want to make $25 an hour? Go back to school or get some specialized skills. I'm not blowing smoke on this, either -- I did a career change as a single mum. Worked full-time and took evening classes. Tough, yes, but the long-term benefits greatly made up for a short-term inconvenience.
As for relationships, well, I guess it's different for women but I would NEVER start up one with anyone offering. That would seem to me to be a recipe for drama and disaster.
Well, life is complicated, and there is no one right answer for why people settle, but I can give you some scenerios:
Why do people settle for staying where they are, instead of move to where there are better opportunities?
1. They have no funds to relocate, and not enough $ to be jobless for a while
2. They have family and friends where they currently are
3. They are afraid to make a change, that may not turn out better 4. There may not be a place where there are better opportunities
Why do people settle for a mate that isn't THE one?
1. They are tired of the dating scene, and figure this is as good as any or better
2. The biological clock is GONGING
3. They don't know themselves well enough to know what they REALLY want/need from a SO
4. Security - be it financial or otherwise
5. Fear of growing old alone 6. They have children and don't want the children's lives to be messed up, nor do they want to have their relationships with them destroyed.
[/quote]
It's not about unrealistic goals or "perfection." It's about changing the things you can to be happy, not simply drifting along in life and complaining.
First off, $25 per hour isn't that much if you have a good education and, no, you don't have to passively "hold out." Want to make $25 an hour? Go back to school or get some specialized skills. I'm not blowing smoke on this, either -- I did a career change as a single mum. Worked full-time and took evening classes. Tough, yes, but the long-term benefits greatly made up for a short-term inconvenience.
As for relationships, well, I guess it's different for women but I would NEVER start up one with anyone offering. That would seem to me to be a recipe for drama and disaster.
No, I don't want to make $25 an hour, but I don't need it either. I'm content with what I have in those terms.
But if I lost my job tomorrow, should I hold out for the top wage, or take the first thing offered? Even if it was LESS than what I made now? Something is always better than nothing.
It's not about unrealistic goals or "perfection." It's about changing the things you can to be happy, not simply drifting along in life and complaining.
First off, $25 per hour isn't that much if you have a good education and, no, you don't have to passively "hold out." Want to make $25 an hour? Go back to school or get some specialized skills. I'm not blowing smoke on this, either -- I did a career change as a single mum. Worked full-time and took evening classes. Tough, yes, but the long-term benefits greatly made up for a short-term inconvenience.
As for relationships, well, I guess it's different for women but I would NEVER start up one with anyone offering. That would seem to me to be a recipe for drama and disaster.
You asked why do people "settle" though. You can't change other people or expect to change other people. You can "hold out" for however long it takes to find someone who fits your criteria, or you can compromise those criteria. I haven't had to compromise my criteria, as I will sit and wait for someone with those criteria to come to me. Until they do, I'm quite content to remain single. Looking out for #1.
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