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It's a two way street. I've pursued a guy before. It turned out great. But, we women are sitting waiting for men to come to us. It's time for us to become more approachable. You sit at the bar or out shopping with that "what the hell do you what" look on your face. Wondering why he won't come over. Or, he's talking to a woman less attractive...in your mind. It's the old comment "what is he doing with her". Because, her personality make her attractive.
Let's say I'm out somewhere, and there are 10 single women there, and no guys. All 10 are attractive, viable, dateable--why should I pick one of those ten out? Why not date the one who shows that she is interested in ME instead?
Otherwise, I'm REJECTING nine perfectly suitable women. But the one I want is the one interested in me.
If that group of 10 women read this answer, none of them would want to date you. They want to know that you chose "her" especially, and that there was something about HER that sparked your interest. A woman wants to feel special, not that you rolled the dice and hoped to win the jackpot.
I find it very, very interesting that you ASKED for responses but stated you would PREFER responses from MEN, 40 and older -- I assume since they would be most likely to fit your demographic.
And yet, ironically...
The first, most detailed and appreciated answer to you was from a 30-something woman, Mango Tango.
Because a 30-something woman knows just exactly where 40-something men are coming from, right?
Since that point some older males have responded and I'll definitely say up front, their responses have carried (for the most part) some negative connotations, stalking not being least among these.
You're frustrated that men will give you their number and ask you to call them because (and I quote) "...that is a man too afraid of rejection and putting all the weight on the woman".
But if that man puts himself out there because you don't seem to think he's worth the effort of a phone call, RISKS the very rejection you suggest he's too cowardly to handle and DOES get rejected -- isn't that you being too afraid of rejection and putting all the weight (onus) on the man?
Does that not TELL you something?
The very demographic you're looking into, 40-something, divorced or likely-divorced, are the very crowd that has either been burned by a woman OR, in the event of their own guilt (all-too-often assumed by the general public), have discovered that marriage is not to their liking.
In the case of burned men, they're not eager to put a hand back into the fire. They're the same as you, OUT THERE, back in a game which is now unfamiliar to them, older, no longer with the looks and youth of the 20-year-olds, uncertain of themselves.
Yet you think they need to assume all the risk just to suit you.
In the case of the men who were the "guilty parties" (inasmuch as it's possible in today's world of no-fault divorces), the ones who decided marriage is not for them, they're not LOOKING for women in your age-group because younger women are more open to moving on, less demand, less expectation, and are sort of trophies (Look at me, I got a young hottie!) in the game, while women in your age group are generally (not saying you, saying generally) looking for something with a bit more substance, not eager to keep playing the field if they can find someone suitable with whom to settle back down.
Then you've got MagnoliaThunder's response: "And THAT's why we woman like younger men! No attitudes, honest eagerness and appreciation! Ta da!!!!!"
Just think in terms of the flip-side of that. It's brutal and flippant, smacks of bitterness as tangible as the responses of many of the men who have posted -- but it's honest. Men who aren't interested in settling down or having a long-term relationship think precisely those things -- pursuing younger women means little attitude to deal with, honest eagerness and appreciation, for so long as it lasts.
Which means "not you".
I'd say if a man showed enough interest to talk to you and give you his phone number you might be well served to stop lamenting that he's not the one taking all the risk and just pick up the bloody phone instead. Would you expect him to shoulder ALL the risk once you were IN a relationship?
If the answer is no, then what makes this different? If it's not romantic enough for you, then welcome to the world of divorcees, the modern dating game and most of all, the pitfalls that come with equality. NOTHING is perfect and you can't have it both ways.
If that group of 10 women read this answer, none of them would want to date you. They want to know that you chose "her" especially, and that there was something about HER that sparked your interest. A woman wants to feel special, not that you rolled the dice and hoped to win the jackpot.
Fairy tales are really nice. However if those women are not approachable it's going to be difficult to get to know them enough to have her spark your interest (aside from looks obviously).
I find it very, very interesting that you ASKED for responses but stated you would PREFER responses from MEN, 40 and older -- I assume since they would be most likely to fit your demographic.
And yet, ironically...
The first, most detailed and appreciated answer to you was from a 30-something woman, Mango Tango.
I absolutely welcome responses from women as well. I was just trying to find out why men in my age group don't pursue anymore.
Because a 30-something woman knows just exactly where 40-something men are coming from, right?
Since that point some older males have responded and I'll definitely say up front, their responses have carried (for the most part) some negative connotations, stalking not being least among these.
You're frustrated that men will give you their number and ask you to call them because (and I quote) "...that is a man too afraid of rejection and putting all the weight on the woman".
But if that man puts himself out there because you don't seem to think he's worth the effort of a phone call, RISKS the very rejection you suggest he's too cowardly to handle and DOES get rejected -- isn't that you being too afraid of rejection and putting all the weight (onus) on the man? For thousands of years, men pursued women....now it seems we have a bunch of cowards out there. I want a warrior, not a wimp. (this is NO WAY is suggesting that you are either, it's just my own comment)
Does that not TELL you something?
The very demographic you're looking into, 40-something, divorced or likely-divorced, are the very crowd that has either been burned by a woman OR, in the event of their own guilt (all-too-often assumed by the general public), have discovered that marriage is not to their liking. Now THAT is an honest answer I can appreciate. I wasn't looking for bitterness and venting in this forum. Just plain honesty. Thank you
In the case of burned men, they're not eager to put a hand back into the fire. They're the same as you, OUT THERE, back in a game which is now unfamiliar to them, older, no longer with the looks and youth of the 20-year-olds, uncertain of themselves.
Yet you think they need to assume all the risk just to suit you. No, I'll risk it....it just seems like the men turned into women (wanting to be pursued) and women have to be the man now, because the men are too passive. I thought the manly man always goes after what he wants. Which brings me back to mango tangos response, which was a good one. If their interested....they WILL pursue. I can handle that response as well. Again, I was just looking for answers and some understanding.
In the case of the men who were the "guilty parties" (inasmuch as it's possible in today's world of no-fault divorces), the ones who decided marriage is not for them, they're not LOOKING for women in your age-group because younger women are more open to moving on, less demand, less expectation, and are sort of trophies (Look at me, I got a young hottie!) in the game, while women in your age group are generally (not saying you, saying generally) looking for something with a bit more substance, not eager to keep playing the field if they can find someone suitable with whom to settle back down.
Then you've got MagnoliaThunder's response: "And THAT's why we woman like younger men! No attitudes, honest eagerness and appreciation! Ta da!!!!!"
Just think in terms of the flip-side of that. It's brutal and flippant, smacks of bitterness as tangible as the responses of many of the men who have posted -- but it's honest. Men who aren't interested in settling down or having a long-term relationship think precisely those things -- pursuing younger women means little attitude to deal with, honest eagerness and appreciation, for so long as it lasts.
Which means "not you".
I'd say if a man showed enough interest to talk to you and give you his phone number you might be well served to stop lamenting that he's not the one taking all the risk and just pick up the bloody phone instead. Would you expect him to shoulder ALL the risk once you were IN a relationship?
If the answer is no, then what makes this different? If it's not romantic enough for you, then welcome to the world of divorcees, the modern dating game and most of all, the pitfalls that come with equality. NOTHING is perfect and you can't have it both ways.
I responded to several of your comments that I bolded, but I responded within the body of the letter. I'm kinda new to this, so I hope it makes sense.
Why don't men pursue women anymore? Seems it only happens in the movies.
In my own experience, men will give me their phone numbers....and ask me to call them....and I'm 45 years old! This seems messed up.
Any comments gentlemen? Preferably men over 40 to answer please.
(not that the young guys can't answer this.....they don't seem to be the ones afraid....it's the older ones)
Are you SURE you wouldn't just want their Phone Number ???
Haven't you ever regretted rejecting someone who was Smart, Funny and Attractive only because the Timing was wrong?
It could have been for a number of reasons like.....
You just come out of a bad break-up
You thought you where leaving town
You thought you had a crush on someone
You just started dating some one else
But only to find out a couple of weeks later your whole life outlook had changed
Its then you will be very grateful THAT HOT GUY left you his Phone Number
Speaking for me, because I've been turned down too many times.
That's the reason why I'm still staying with my so after 17 years, although I'm not happy in the relationship, because I know fully well what it would mean if I was back on the meat...oouups! I mean on the bachelors market (especially as a middle-aged lower middle class dude) and started playing the dating game all over again!
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Seems it only happens in the movies.
