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Sounds beautiful and fluffy, very kumbaya, but it is not realistic. If it is a "dominance issue" then you should view it as such. Women (and men) don't always stay because of love or because the relationship is healthy. You have to know the difference.
Even if the silent treatment doesn't MAKE you do what they wish, THEIR intent is to get you to do what they want. How you respond doesn't change that reality.
Sounds beautiful and fluffy, very kumbaya, but it is not realistic. If it is a "dominance issue" then you should view it as such. Women (and men) don't always stay because of love or because the relationship is healthy. You have to know the difference.
Even if the silent treatment doesn't MAKE you do what they wish, THEIR intent is to get you to do what they want. How you respond doesn't change that reality.
Realistic is finding out your spouse is smoking crack and she wants to get her groove on and you want out, only she doesn't want you out so she decides in her mind of compassion to try and kill you instead. Kumbaya that and figure out how to react, you can confine yourself to today's psychological profile and fight or flight, or you can reason with the quietness and find a way for communication to work. You shouldn't view any situation as a dominance issue or any other misconstrued way until you are out of it, and then you take what you've learned from the raggy situation and turn the negative memory into a positive venue for the future and what to look out for. If love and health has differences in your mind then obviously you can't/won't have both, as for me, I speak from experience , usually once, if you don't get it, or believe it, You don't have to, I'm just a survivor.
I suggest she wait for him to come around on his own, or let the relationship go completely, but don't give in to his tactic. Seeing his tactic doesn't work will build conflict, but it will help the comminication start flowing without her subjugating herself to the humiliation of apologizing.
If I don't speak up first it'll never be talked about, believe me. He is the most stubborn person I have ever known.
And the apologising IS humiliating. 90% of the time I don't think things are my fault, but I know the only way to start him talking to me again is by apologising, so I swallow hard and say I am sorry.
I once hinted that I had said sorry many times even when I thought things weren't my fault and he got so mad and started calling me a liar. Boom, I was the bad guy again.
If I don't speak up first it'll never be talked about, believe me. He is the most stubborn person I have ever known.
And the apologising IS humiliating. 90% of the time I don't think things are my fault, but I know the only way to start him talking to me again is by apologising, so I swallow hard and say I am sorry.
I once hinted that I had said sorry many times even when I thought things weren't my fault and he got so mad and started calling me a liar. Boom, I was the bad guy again.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. Unfortunately, I have also been there, and it didn't end well. He refused to take on any responsibility for what went wrong and never accepted that it wasn't "my" fault. Later on I found out he was hiding a few things from me, and wasn't facing me with the truth about matters. Perhaps, this is why he wouldn't talk to me. In my case, he was hiding some things. It made me realize that our relationship had been very one-sided, but I hadn't realized it until later. He was putting in an effort to keep the relationship going, and that kept me with him, but it was not as much effort as I had put in it. And when things fell apart, he refused to look back. So much for love.
I don't agree with everything you say, but I do agree that my answer was a bit too negative based on my own personal history.I realized it as soon as she answered, actually. For her, I would suggest that she not let him suck her into a weak position and to not apologize for her reactions, because that is just what he is looking for. I suggest she wait for him to come around on his own, or let the relationship go completely, but don't give in to his tactic. Seeing his tactic doesn't work will build conflict, but it will help the comminication start flowing without her subjugating herself to the humiliation of apologizing.
I don't think it's a tactic, I don't think it's an option he wants either, that's still pretty negative. Don't you see the only solution from this perspective of pointing fingers is elevating the heat? I have served as middle ground for many friends in domestic disputes. You can't keep looking to blame because guilt won't improve the situation. you have to be willing to NOT blame and you have to relax the context of the conversation. In alot of cases this is where a marriage counselor will sit in. It's awful hard to find a positive solution when your at fault for finding fault.(not pointing any fingers), otherwise I agree with BOTH parties not subjugating themselves to humiliation of apologizing, or being silent.
If I don't speak up first it'll never be talked about, believe me. He is the most stubborn person I have ever known.
And the apologising IS humiliating. 90% of the time I don't think things are my fault, but I know the only way to start him talking to me again is by apologising, so I swallow hard and say I am sorry.
I once hinted that I had said sorry many times even when I thought things weren't my fault and he got so mad and started calling me a liar. Boom, I was the bad guy again.
This however is clearly abusive, get yourself out before this guy changes you into a person that seeks this kind of ill treatment. You may not like it now, but if you stay too long you might provoke the next into acting like the tard this guy is
I don't think it's a tactic, I don't think it's an option he wants either, that's still pretty negative. Don't you see the only solution from this perspective of pointing fingers is elevating the heat? I have served as middle ground for many friends in domestic disputes. You can't keep looking to blame because guilt won't improve the situation. you have to be willing to NOT blame and you have to relax the context of the conversation. In alot of cases this is where a marriage counselor will sit in. It's awful hard to find a positive solution when your at fault for finding fault.(not pointing any fingers), otherwise I agree with BOTH parties not subjugating themselves to humiliation of apologizing, or being silent.
I don't know. I'm not a marriage counselor. Maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong. But its impossible to behave like a robot when a person has feelings and there are so many feelings involved. Perhaps you hold the solution, but we're only human. People will find fault, no matter what. I do agree that a marriage counselor might help.
Realistic is finding out your spouse is smoking crack and she wants to get her groove on and you want out, only she doesn't want you out so she decides in her mind of compassion to try and kill you instead. Kumbaya that and figure out how to react,
Obviously, that is not a kumbaya moment. I take it that was your experience, and I'm sorry if it was.
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you can confine yourself to today's psychological profile and fight or flight, or you can reason with the quietness and find a way for communication to work.
If that is how you would choose to handle the above situation, I truly hope you would think twice. The quietness in abusive relationships is usually the calm before the storm, or between them.
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You shouldn't view any situation as a dominance issue or any other misconstrued way until you are out of it, and then you take what you've learned from the raggy situation and turn the negative memory into a positive venue for the future and what to look out for.
This doesn't make sense. In order for you to want to get out of it and learn from it, you have to recognize it for what it is when it is happening. And if it is an issue of control and domination, and these situations DO exist, you identify it as such, leave, learn from it, turn it into a positive experience, etc., in that order.
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If love and health has differences in your mind then obviously you can't/won't have both
Can you explain this in a little more detail?
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as for me, I speak from experience , usually once, if you don't get it, or believe it, You don't have to, I'm just a survivor.
Obviously, that is not a kumbaya moment. I take it that was your experience, and I'm sorry if it was.
If that is how you would choose to handle the above situation, I truly hope you would think twice. The quietness in abusive relationships is usually the calm before the storm, or between them.
This doesn't make sense. In order for you to want to get out of it and learn from it, you have to recognize it for what it is when it is happening. And if it is an issue of control and domination, and these situations DO exist, you identify it as such, leave, learn from it, turn it into a positive experience, etc., in that order.
Can you explain this in a little more detail?
What is "usually once" in reference to?
"once" is speaking my mind in the presence of doubt, i do it every so often
many times doubted, many times apologized to(and for the right reasons)
If there is a storm coming- for god's sake call the police(I had to)
It being what it is, is never a good judgement out of a bad one- for 2 wrongs don't make a right
I have made some difficult decisions just to be alive and have had many unpleasant and uncomfortable experiences, I encourage others to think outside the web and it's tangling emotions for rationality is the compassion for emotion and not the opposite.
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so?
