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Old 01-19-2010, 11:35 AM
 
Location: Texas
8,064 posts, read 17,965,652 times
Reputation: 3729

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I don't get the common excuse of, well, she had kids and she's so busy, tired, etc. If you're that busy, then you wouldn't have time to sit around eating and putting on weight. Unless you subsist on a fast food, drive-thru diet and that's problematic on many levels.

I gained 24 pounds when I was pregnant and with all of the busyness of having a new baby, I was back in my regular jeans in about 3 weeks. Any good doctor will keep a close eye on pregnant women's weight because it can cause problems.

A lot of it comes down to self-esteem and mental health, which need to be addressed and not written off. There are MANY physiologocial and psychological issues that cause weight gain in women and making excuses for it doesn't help.
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Old 01-19-2010, 11:45 AM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,012 posts, read 29,639,523 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by teatime View Post
I don't get the common excuse of, well, she had kids and she's so busy, tired, etc. If you're that busy, then you wouldn't have time to sit around eating and putting on weight. Unless you subsist on a fast food, drive-thru diet and that's problematic on many levels.

I gained 24 pounds when I was pregnant and with all of the busyness of having a new baby, I was back in my regular jeans in about 3 weeks. Any good doctor will keep a close eye on pregnant women's weight because it can cause problems.

A lot of it comes down to self-esteem and mental health, which need to be addressed and not written off. There are MANY physiologocial and psychological issues that cause weight gain in women and making excuses for it doesn't help.
Yeah, there's the "pregnancy" excuse that floats around too often. But the women and of course, the men, will actually see a sea change in their lives if they only choose to work out. Suddenly life will appear brighter, healthier and it's just new perspective and fresh effervescence to the mind.

Before working out fixes the body, it fixes the mind much faster.

We can only hope the people can take care of their bodies and avoid so much of friction in relationships
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Old 01-19-2010, 11:49 AM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,012 posts, read 29,639,523 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MarieEllen View Post
It would be great if all women could GET to the gym. But many work, take care of the house, and have kids. Whew...there's not much energy left in the day!!
In my gym, there is a lot of women.

Some are so frail in their late 60s, yet they realize the importance of being healthy

Certainly, sparing an hour a day is not a big deal.
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Old 01-19-2010, 12:17 PM
 
Location: east coast
250 posts, read 909,125 times
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Ive been married for 10 years now...Im skinnier. more toned now than when we got married and after two kids so this isn't always typical. MANY of my mom friends are hot ladies. They workout daily, and likely could bag another man much easier than their husbands could get another wife. It happens though. It can happen to men too so this isn't ONLY related to women.

Parenting is stressful, mothers often "let themselves go" because our focus is on the kids, their activities and we become selfless. I did gain weight after my second child and I knew it. My husband never ever approached it and always told me I looked beautiful and I believed him. She ultimately needs to do this for HER if she is going to keep the weight off.

Original poster, I love that you are sensitive to her feelings. Continue to be positive with her, continue to show affection in the bedroom. My suggestion is to do it together-make a change together. Maybe your goal would be different than hers (maybe toning up if you dont have weight to lose) but doing it together will help. Dont expect her to do it alone. Talk about health of the family and about how together you need to take better care of yourselves, not just her but you. Dont expect her to cook meals for you, eat what she eats. Even now years after losing weight it does bug me (sometimes) to watch my hubby chow down on 4 slices of pizza while I watch. It IS a lifestyle change you're asking for though so expect to change some of your own lifestyle to accomadate and encourage her throughout the process and beyond. My husband takes the kids (when he's in town that is) after he gets home from work so I can workout for 1.5 hrs. I love that he supports me this way. My sister's husband refuses to help her, he wants it all done for him. Food on the table, kids all ready, the home spotless. Pick up some of her slack and she likely will not feel so stressed out and be open to putting something new and into her schedule--something that is HARD work! My brother in law's solution was to buy a treadmill but he still expected lavish and fattening italian dinners made nightly, and that all child rearing is on my sister, she never gets a break from it and oh yeah, attend to HIS needs after the kids are in bed. So when would she have time? She is up at 5am and goes to bed with him at 9-10pm. If you're always attending to others, you don't have time for that commitment. This isn't an excuse, but to get it done you NEED to help her carve out time for HER to get it done. I do agree with another poster--women have time to shop/hair done etc but find excuses for this. Its because its hard work. She probably needs a little down time to relax too, she may not get that. I know my sister doesn't. I love working out, my "me time" IS working out. I work out 7 days/week just for my "mental break" and hubby takes over during that time. Im grateful for it and we're a better couple for that too. For running/pilates/yoga to become the activity of choice for my 'me time' though it took some time. For awhile it was work like anything else. Now I can't live without it.

above all don't let her know this bothers you THIS much. It will crush her. You took marriage vows "for better or for worse" and believe me she might always have that insecurity in her head long after she actually does lose weight so be gentle. My Dad used to call me fat while growing up. I was 5'6" and 126 lbs in high school. It STILL resonates in my head to this day. Of course now he thinks Im too thin. You never win and frankly now at 34 I don't care what he thinks but yet he constantly lets me know. Dont be that person!

all the best.

Last edited by militarymom; 01-19-2010 at 12:26 PM..
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Old 01-19-2010, 12:20 PM
 
36,076 posts, read 30,572,748 times
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Quote:
Certainly, sparing an hour a day is not a big deal.
Well that can depend on the support from her family. I agree if one sets their minds to lose weight it can be done, but in some situations something must be sacrificed in order for this to be accomplished. This can be money to pay for the gym and childcare if its not provided, help with or not having expectations of a hot meal on the table or the laundry and hosework being done all the time.

I set out to lose a few pounds and all I heard was whinning about not cooking big meals anymore and not being at home because I was gone walking or riding a bike or whatever kind of exercise.
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Old 01-19-2010, 06:04 PM
 
Location: somewhere in the woods
16,880 posts, read 15,152,974 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by grubbyhubby View Post
I've been married for thirteen years and have 3 wonderful kids. I love my wife very much - she is indeed my best friend.
The problem ; I have trouble being attracted to her sexually, as she has gained quite a bit of weight throughout the course of our marriage.
It still does not keep us from "relations', we still do it fairly often ( as often as a couple with three kids can expect). I just can't tell her that I have a problem with her weight. It would crush her, I think .
Has anyone else dealt with this?

help her lose the weight, it can become a project for the both of you, and let her know your feelings. she might not want to hear them, but at least she will know.
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Old 01-19-2010, 06:11 PM
 
Location: Hot Springs, AR
5,612 posts, read 15,081,514 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vicket View Post
Do NOT tell her she has gained weight...she already knows.
First- look in your own mirror. Have you gained weight? Or quit caring about your clothing or haircuts or "manscaping'?
If you start to improve your own look, she will notice and wonder what's up. If you start walking or joging everyday to improve YOURSELF and then casually ask her to join you, she might do it.
Make it fun and a way to spend time together.
(If you are not already- help with kids and/or housework....many women feel too overwhelmed to exercise.)
I am glad you have a good marriage. Treasure each other.
This is a bad idea. And this is exactly why. If I've put on weight and my husband all of a sudden starts getting himself together, I think he's cheating or is about to cheat and that wouldn't feel good.

How about being honest with her? Tell her that you still love her but you aren't attracted to the extra weight that she's put on. It will be helpful to make a list of things about you that has changed over the years that you are willing to change to make yourself more attractive to her before you talk. By acknowledging that you have flaws, too, hopefully she won't feel like you are attacking her. Or trying to put her down.
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Old 01-19-2010, 09:35 PM
 
18,270 posts, read 14,382,127 times
Reputation: 12980
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2mares View Post
Well that can depend on the support from her family. I agree if one sets their minds to lose weight it can be done, but in some situations something must be sacrificed in order for this to be accomplished. This can be money to pay for the gym and childcare if its not provided, help with or not having expectations of a hot meal on the table or the laundry and hosework being done all the time.

I set out to lose a few pounds and all I heard was whinning about not cooking big meals anymore and not being at home because I was gone walking or riding a bike or whatever kind of exercise.
That sounds like a lot of negativity you have to deal with. Are they jealous? It just would make more sense that they would be happy for you instead of trying to keep you from getting healthier.
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Old 01-19-2010, 09:59 PM
 
Location: Chicago
38,707 posts, read 102,846,403 times
Reputation: 29967
Quote:
Originally Posted by Antlered Chamataka View Post
Oh no, not again.

Is this the new trend amongst married folks??

This is getting way too common. I could tell from the title of the thread that it's about a long time married couple having weight issues

The philanthropist that I am I'm gonna have to open a nationwide chain of wife gyms
I think Curves beat you to it.
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Old 01-19-2010, 10:01 PM
 
Location: Kuwait City, Kuwait.
1,125 posts, read 2,187,711 times
Reputation: 1063
Honestly, if I gained weight I would hope my wife would tell me how much of a fat bastard I've turned into and remind me to not neglect my body and health. If my wife, closest person, whom I share bed with every night cannot tell me that I gained weight, then who will?
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