Need some advice! My mom! (separate)

[skoe]

Jen,

You do need to go. It's your life now. I remember the day I decided I was going to tell my parents the truth all the time. I was scared as hell the first time but to my surprise my mom didn't take my head off! The more I told the truth the more we got along. Now there isn't anything I won't tell my parents. They are a big inspiration in my life.

You also need to deal with this because you don't want your kids acting towards you the way you act towards your mom. (I am not saying you are doing anything bad!!!!) Maybe living away from her will shield them from the mom issues and hopefully your mom will learn how to appreciate you more and respect your space. Just don't keep things from her! It can never amount to any good. If anything she may then realize that you are grown up and making your own decisions.

I have to run off with my teen now so am not able to proof read what I wrote, I hope it all makes sense!

[7th generation]

Jen,my heart goes out to you and yours. Yes, move by all means and be truthful to yourself and your Mom. Sometimes distance heals the heart. Your family is most important at this time and a change is what might be needed. I feel therapy,once you settle into your new digs,should be considered to work through your issues. I know this can get expensive so just remember that you always have Him to talk to. I find prayer is very therapeutic and calming.Good luck again and God Bless.

[Southlander]

Ah, Jen, sounds exactly like my mom! Growing up, she criticized constantly...you never do anything right, you'll never amount to anything...I was so happy to go off to college! During my college years, she had a hysterectomy and became a totally different person. Years later, my dad died and she became dependent on me for everything (she had to have a wheelchair to get out). A few years ago, I had to have surgery that would have me incapacitated for a few weeks, but after I would have much less pain and be able to get about more easily. She took such a fit! She was WAY more worried about how she'd get to the grocery store etc. than if I would come through the surgery OK. A couple of years later, I had to have surgery again that kept me down for a couple of weeks. When I finally went out to get her and take her out, she claimed she had no idea I'd been in the hospital! I don't know why they forget that they're the parent, but they do, and you have to approach them as if they are a child. Sounds like it will be good for her for you to move away...she'll have to "grow up" a little. If she can't care for your stepfather, maybe she will have to take some different steps to make her life easier. Your children are young, and you need to pay attention to them, because you'll never get these years back. Remember, put YOUR children and YOUR family first right now. Good luck, girl!

[christina0001]

Your mom is probably going to be upset for a while. She will miss you! Maybe over time she will decide to move closer to you, or maybe she'll strengthen her relationships with her other children. She will be okay, don't feel guilty. If you still feel like you need therapy, it's certainly not too late. A good therapist could help you find a way to enjoy being your mother's daughter, without having to feel guilty so much.

[oceandreams94]

Thank you everyone for your replies! This has helped so much!

Jen

[vetegnc]

We just moved from NC to PA 2 months ago....

For a while, we knew we wanted to move. But, we didn't want to leave the region of my in-laws, who have always lived in the same 1 mile radius. Very salt-of-the-earth kind of people. In their mind, you would NEVER leave the family. (but they're the type not to say that to your face)

But, we realized that our choices were to stay in that area, that we didn't care for and didn't feel was a good environment for the kids, for the grandparents (they lived 1 1/2 hours away, so it's not like they saw them daily). Then, possibly move after they die (morbid thought, but true), when the kids are older and established in school....and then, we probably wouldn't. Our other choice was to move to an area that we liked now, raise our kids in an environment that we liked better, and pray that the in-laws would visit (which they won't).

It was the best thing we've done. This area is FANTASTIC for the children, much better schools...and incredible for us. My husband and I even went on a hike together....we haven't done that in 4 1/2 years!!

Although I feel bad that we don't see them as often (we drive down there on long weekends....and a bit spiteful they won't fly up here)....the rest of our life is SO much better!!

[pirate girl]

Jen------- First, Happy Birthday!!! Second, it sounds like your life has been a series of struggles. I commend you for taking action to make your children's lives different.

Don't let mom make you feel guilty- here's something to ponder. If your mother had the opportunity to leave your hometown for a new life that might be happier and easier on her, do you think she would do it?

It's been said that our job as parents is to raise our children so they can be as prepared as possible to leave us............ kind of a crazy way to look at things but it is true. Maybe work that angle with your mother- tell her what a great job she did- that you would never have the nerve to make such major changes in your life had she not helped to shape you into the strong woman you are today.

And if none of that works, I'll take you to a great beach bar for some frozen fruity drinks and girl talk when you get to Palm Coast!

[FL_TN_Nana]

Hi Jen...

Move, if it's the best thing for YOUR family! Invite your mom to visit, but that's all. If you haven't yet dealt with those old demons, maybe getting some counseling now (or after your move) would be good for you.

Also, maybe you could encourage your mom to become involved in senior activities/volunteering which would give her something to do that is valuable. She'll still feel needed and wanted after your move.

Wishing you happiness! Nana

[oceandreams94]

Originally Posted by pirate girl

Jen------- First, Happy Birthday!!! Second, it sounds like your life has been a series of struggles. I commend you for taking action to make your children's lives different.

Don't let mom make you feel guilty- here's something to ponder. If your mother had the opportunity to leave your hometown for a new life that might be happier and easier on her, do you think she would do it?

It's been said that our job as parents is to raise our children so they can be as prepared as possible to leave us............ kind of a crazy way to look at things but it is true. Maybe work that angle with your mother- tell her what a great job she did- that you would never have the nerve to make such major changes in your life had she not helped to shape you into the strong woman you are today.

And if none of that works, I'll take you to a great beach bar for some frozen fruity drinks and girl talk when you get to Palm Coast!

Thank you! That sounds wonderful!

She came over for dinner last night and we talked some more about it. She is still a little down, but I think is doing better. Hopefully in the next month she will accept it more.
She still wants to come down during the winter, and be a snowbird maybe, so we will see how that goes.
I just hope if she does come down to visit for a few months, that we can get along the whole time.
I feel like I must move away to keep my sanity...
I hope you all dont think I am nuts! This is so embarrassing to talk about!

Jen

[Sundance]

She came over for dinner last night and we talked some more about it. She is still a little down, but I think is doing better. Hopefully in the next month she will accept it more.
She still wants to come down during the winter, and be a snowbird maybe, so we will see how that goes.
I just hope if she does come down to visit for a few months, that we can get along the whole time.
I feel like I must move away to keep my sanity...
I hope you all dont think I am nuts! This is so embarrassing to talk about!

WARNING, WARNING.....you're moving to get away from her, but you live in separate houses now, right? If she comes during the winter, to be a snowbird, is she planning to live with you???

I wouldn't even consider that. It will only lead to trouble.