Marriage Counseling Question - For Those Who Have Gone Through It (dating, Christian)

[seeniorita]

We went about 10 years ago. First individual then together. The first "together" session went well as we discussed things in our individual session and began dialogue. Well, by the 2nd "together" session I was done. It became a "woe is me" session for my husband and I blew up afterwards. If he was going to use the session as an outlet to play victim, I wasn't having any part of it.

Needless to say, that was the last time we went. We made the decision to work on our marriage and communicate openly with each other on our own.

It's different for everyone but I do encourage you and your husband to at least give it a try. I always said I would not walk away from my marriage until I felt I had done everything I could to save it.

[sophialee]

It depends on how much the participants are willing to put into it and finding the right therapist.

BOTH parties have to be committed for it to work and sometimes it does!

Good Luck!

[Niftybergin]

Originally Posted by KickAssArmyChick

Was it any good? Did help your marriage at all? Did it make things worse?

It helped, but probably not in the way you mean. I honestly can't speak for my ex-husband; I don't know what he got out of the counseling. But for me, it was the beginning of the beginning. (My marriage was very dysfunctional and didn't need to be saved.)

I can remember our therapist saying two things to me that rocked my world and changed my life forever. She said, "You love and admire your husband way too much and yourself not nearly enough." And she also said, "We teach people how to treat us."

So marriage counseling didn't save our marriage. We separated about a year or so after we started, and honestly, nothing that took place in that room seemed to help. It just became a place where we talked about our week or vented about each other. Not very productive. But on an individual level, marriage counseling literally saved my life (I was suicidally depressed during the marriage) because it provided some insights that allowed me to begin to change internally.

[TumbleBug]

Congratulations on taking the first step!

I love counselling - most of my sessions I've gone alone to sort out specific issues - but I did go once with my *now* ex husband.

I had to go to court to have the restraining order temporarily lifted so we could be in the same room together. Nice hey?

Not the best start.

The counsellor wanted to know what I hoped to get out of the session - I was at a loss for words - so she prompted me by saying "You don't really want to be with him do you?"

(He had thrown a tantrum in the waiting room - for all and sundry to see)

So she turned into my personal counsellor and she helped me through the divorce...

Was a helpful experience for me, not sure if my ex would agree - but then again he was never particularly agreeable...

I'm sure the counselling will be a great thing if you are both committed to working things through.

I wish you both all the best.

[angam]

I have gone through the counseling thing with my soon to be EX. The therapist did help identify the points that were hidden and helped us to communicate better. I have no regret trying it at all and know that we have tried. We agreed to end the marriage but we come to understand each other more than before..now he is a very good friend of mine. You need to have a good counselor though...find the one that you feel comfortable with at first, the one that helps you grow as an individual/or a couple. Do a lot of research!

[PurpleTulip18]

Ahh, the marriage counseling... mine didn't work. I found myself analyzing the shrink himself. I mean, what he did and the little games he made us do were great fun but despite that both parties REALLY want to try and make it work. Unfortunately, the only thing that they are going to do is try and put you back to where you were in the beginning of your relationship. Re-teach you how to date again. You can do that yourself for free.

[CSD610]

This like anything else, you get out of it what you put into it.

[stan4]

Um, my brother and SIL went and it didn't do any good because she just got offended by what the counselor said and decided none of the stuff that had to be worked on was her problem.

My brother said that when they walked out of the session one day and she said, "Everything will be great once we get you fixed," he saw red and that was the end of it. He left the house that day.
Because he knew she would never own her part of their problems. He still goes on his own to work out his issues. He finds it useful for him. She stopped going.
They are over.

The counselors I know personally say that the counseling does not work often because people wait till it's too late to come in. I guess it's akin to trying to cure the cancer once it's stage four vs when it's in situ. Can't really blame the people who are trying to help you at that point.

[KayAnn246]

It depends. If one person is stubborn and only sees things their way, it won't work. If both people are willing and open minded about their short falling in the relationship and willing to improve themselves, it has a chance. At the end of the day you can only be responsible for your actions.

For my marriage, it didn't work. It was like a tug of war so I was better off walking away knowing I did everything I could do at that point. I have been happier ever since making that decision.

[virgode]

Originally Posted by KickAssArmyChick

Okay. This is for the folks who have tried marriage counseling.

Was it any good? Did help your marriage at all? Did it make things worse?

I am asking it because my husband and I are going to a marriage counselor / therapist on Friday and I don't know what to expect. I am not going with the mindset that it's going to keep my marriage from going downhill. I am keeping an open mind... Just want to know what it was like for other people.

Is this a new marriage???

I'm asking bc I remember the turbulent abusive marriage you previously had to move cross country to escape.

EDIT... old thread.