Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I recently found out that my spouse had a sexual relationship with someone before we were married, and while we were broken up at the time. It all happened about 18 years ago.
...and that's where you lose any shred of credibility, sympathy, or support from most sane and reasonable outsiders.
I sense you are just looking for a reason to break up with him. Otherwise, something that happened 18 years ago after you two BROKE UP wouldn't matter in the least if you were happily married today. If you are looking for an excuse to divorce just have the balls to do it, don't hop into your time machine and dig up the graves of long dead relationships and former lovers. I don't think you'd be willing to erase 18 years of bliss over a discreet relationship that took place while you two were apart...unless of course he was banging your sister.
Talk about diggin up bones. The past is the past so leave it there. Now if he was doing this in last 18 yrs together, well that would be another story. Somethig must be there for you or you wouldn't lasted this long. Drinking and smoking - oh that is going to solve it.. Are you going thru the change of life... Seriously...
BE BLessed
He's been a great husband, and dad to our children, a wonderful provider. I just can't get past the fact that he didn't admit to it a lot sooner. I understand what you all are saying that it was about two decades ago but the pain is still very real. I just found out, I thought there were no secrets. This is the only thing that he's lied to me about, however I could have gotten over it had I known before I dedicated my life to him. Honesty goes a long way.
He did finally tell me, that's a story in itself though.
No I am not going through menopause, I'm not even at that age yet. I'm just an emotional person, with human feelings.
The other person he slept with was someone he hardly even knew. She knew of me as his ex, but had no clue he was still intimate with me. I didn't know he slept with her, he said back then that that had never happened. To clarify he was basically seeing both of us behind our backs, but lying saying about it. I don't think she even cared. He lied to me then because he knew I would care about what he was doing, even if it wasn't any of my business. I guess that is why he kept it from me to spare my feelings, why, because he knew I'd react this way.
Thank you for all your responses, as much as I knew I'd be told basically what I didn't want to hear or confirm, to forgive and forget, I'll have to do my best and do so. The truth isn't always easy to hear, but opinions are always helpful. Thanks.
...and that's where you lose any shred of credibility, sympathy, or support from most sane and reasonable outsiders.
I sense you are just looking for a reason to break up with him. Otherwise, something that happened 18 years ago after you two BROKE UP wouldn't matter in the least if you were happily married today. If you are looking for an excuse to divorce just have the balls to do it, don't hop into your time machine and dig up the graves of long dead relationships and former lovers. I don't think you'd be willing to erase 18 years of bliss over a discreet relationship that took place while you two were apart...unless of course he was banging your sister.
I suspect, that she suspects something in the here and now.
Personally, if he's been as good as you say, then I think any talk of divorce etc is silly.
He wasn't wrong to sleep with her, but he was wrong to lie.
You are understandably upset, disappointed, and angry at this.
Allow yourself to be so, but don't dwell on it, and don't turn it into a "points scoring" session.
He may have lied to protect you, or he may have lied to protect himself, but, either way, he doesn't sound like a bad guy.
Cut him a little slack, explain to him (note, not nag, just explain) how you feel, and that you are angry, and hurting.
That, at least for a while, you may be a little "off", and things may not be as normal.
There are much worse things he could have done.
But deal with it sensibly, in your own way.
Try to put it behind you. To forgive, and forget.
Good luck.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue_Illusion
He's been a great husband, and dad to our children, a wonderful provider. I just can't get past the fact that he didn't admit to it a lot sooner. I understand what you all are saying that it was about two decades ago but the pain is still very real. I just found out, I thought there were no secrets. This is the only thing that he's lied to me about, however I could have gotten over it had I known before I dedicated my life to him. Honesty goes a long way.
He did finally tell me, that's a story in itself though.
No I am not going through menopause, I'm not even at that age yet. I'm just an emotional person, with human feelings.
The other person he slept with was someone he hardly even knew. She knew of me as his ex, but had no clue he was still intimate with me. I didn't know he slept with her, he said back then that that had never happened. To clarify he was basically seeing both of us behind our backs, but lying saying about it. I don't think she even cared. He lied to me then because he knew I would care about what he was doing, even if it wasn't any of my business. I guess that is why he kept it from me to spare my feelings, why, because he knew I'd react this way.
Thank you for all your responses, as much as I knew I'd be told basically what I didn't want to hear or confirm, to forgive and forget, I'll have to do my best and do so. The truth isn't always easy to hear, but opinions are always helpful. Thanks.
I loved how you interpreted it, that makes total sense. Thank you for your input. I'm sure in time this will all be put behind us. It's just so fresh right now and emotions are running high. Thank you so much for your insight!
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman
Personally, if he's been as good as you say, then I think any talk of divorce etc is silly.
He wasn't wrong to sleep with her, but he was wrong to lie.
You are understandably upset, disappointed, and angry at this.
Allow yourself to be so, but don't dwell on it, and don't turn it into a "points scoring" session.
He may have lied to protect you, or he may have lied to protect himself, but, either way, he doesn't sound like a bad guy.
Cut him a little slack, explain to him (note, not nag, just explain) how you feel, and that you are angry, and hurting.
That, at least for a while, you may be a little "off", and things may not be as normal.
There are much worse things he could have done.
But deal with it sensibly, in your own way.
Try to put it behind you. To forgive, and forget.
I'm glad it helps you.
Don't be afraid to talk to him openly about your feelings, but,again, try to do it without nagging, or being catty.
Anger is healthy, but don't let it turn into bitterness.
Remember too, that he will have been dealing with guilt, and now may be worried, so also might be a little fragile, it might be easy for small things to blow up.
Yes, I know, If he'd 'fessed up, he wouldn't be guilty, but, if he'd fessed up, he might also not have been married !
maybe for a while, you'll have some extra "power" over him.
Use it wisely, grasshopper..............
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue_Illusion
I loved how you interpreted it, that makes total sense. Thank you for your input. I'm sure in time this will all be put behind us. It's just so fresh right now and emotions are running high. Thank you so much for your insight!
I recently found out that my spouse had a sexual relationship with someone before we were married, and while we were broken up at the time. It all happened about 18 years ago. He basically lied to me the entirety of our marriage which hurts the most. I understand it was so long ago, but just finding out now hurts like hell and there is more at stake, a long marriage with children. I really don't want to hear it was 18 years ago get over it, or you both were broken up move one. That is easier said than done, trust me, I've tried my damn hardest to do so. I specifically asked him back then if he had been involved sexually with someone else and he denied it. I think the lying is what makes it so much worse.
I feel if you can't trust your spouse of so many years who can you trust? We're supposed to be going to counseling but he has yet to make the effort. Every day has been a nightmare for me, it's going on a couple of months since I've known. I've started drinking and smoking, it's taking it's toll, but that is the only way that I can get through the day and cope with this revelation.
For me this is a very big deal and I don't take anything lightly. I've definitely contemplated divorce over this. He said that if the shoe was on the other foot he'd leave me. He was lying to me and the other person, he was sleeping with the both of us at that time but neither of us had any idea. They didn't even know each other well or long enough at all, come to find out they never used protection. She was definitely sleeping with other people, she had a long term boyfriend, whom she cheated on. I'm sure she was being a ***** with other guys as well. That's another thing that upset me was that he had no regards for my safety, screwing a ***** that he didn't even know and me at the same time, which I could have been subjected to various diseases. I guess if he didn't care about his own health and safety, why would he care about anybody else's.
Anyways after finding out about who the other person was, I searched and found out ALL of her information. I know it would be a bad idea to contact her, but a part of me wants to just to see if his story matches up in regards to when it really stopped.
No matter how long it happened I am still deeply hurt, and saddened that our relationship was based on a huge lie. I mean if I knew then what I know now I never would have even spoken to him again. Meaning, my life would have been altered drastically. He totally tricked me into believing all of his lies.
This is one example why marriage is over-rated.
Oh good grief - grow up
Why are you looking for excuses to derail your marriage?
Last edited by lovesMountains; 01-25-2010 at 07:59 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
