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Old 01-28-2010, 09:12 AM
 
31 posts, read 191,988 times
Reputation: 68

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Sex is the most misunderstood concept .
The point of the matter is we need to find out, within each of us, what sex means to us and what role it plays in our life. Once you can realize that, you can have a healthy attitude toward it. Then it can be put in it's proper place.
I think most of us would agree that the best sex is when emotion is involved.
That's why there are countless threads that say "swinging is dangerous because it can lead to emotional attachment".
Of course it can ..that's what we all, or at least most of us, crave with our sexual partner.
Some of us are having sex with multiple partners to make ourselves feel better but that's an entirely different subject.
I personally can't have empty sex...I don't get "excited" therefore it's pointless and self defeating.
But it took several years of swinging to realize that.
My wife and I had been involved in it that long and now we're in the midst of some serious turmoil.
When you are swinging , you're constantly looking for that "next high" until it finally leads to the "last high" which is not good. The last high is the high that you realize your marriage has become just a business arrangement. And when your marriage is just a business arrangement you run the danger of having intense feelings for a swing partner.
As for our marriage problems-do I blame swinging for this ?
Only in that it prolonged the inevitable. Something was wrong, whatever it was , that needed to be fixed.
I do believe that most , if not all , swinging marriages have underlying issues that are being masked by the swinging.
There are sex addicts out there and that in and of itself is a problem for a marriage.
Addiction to anything , in general , is destructive to any relationship.
But all in all swinging is really a way for married couples to cheat without the guilt.
Anyone who says different is kidding themselves.
The usual mantra for such hobgobble to counter the - swinging is cheating - argument is something along the lines of " We're not cheating. We're consenting to have sex with other people."
What you are really doing is letting your partner cheat on you so you can do the same.
If you're ok with that, and that is your true personality , then have at it . But quite frankly you're not a person I want to know.
Some people say that swingers are the nicest people they've ever met.
Well guess what - It's only because they want to get in your pants.
My advice to anyone who would want to try swinging is this- go see a marriage councilor . You can save yourself a lot of time, heartache and aggravation.

Last edited by mlmr11; 01-28-2010 at 09:25 AM..

 
Old 01-28-2010, 09:18 AM
 
Location: Amarillo, Tx
622 posts, read 719,958 times
Reputation: 650
Im going to have to totally agree with you. I have a similar story.
 
Old 01-28-2010, 09:20 AM
 
Location: southern california
50,240 posts, read 47,554,186 times
Reputation: 41638
interesting post, but did not mention the near irreversable damage caused by-- not attachment but but detachment. swinging is rarely a mutual decision, one partner pressures the other into the activity. the betrayal of trust causes near permanent damage. swingers have major trust issues. takes years of therapy to fix this. we did not like the life style of our grandparents so we substituted our own. we have failed.
 
Old 01-28-2010, 09:23 AM
 
2,893 posts, read 3,577,647 times
Reputation: 1925
Thanks for the lecture. I prefer to let other people figure out their lives themselves. I don't have the time nor the authority to judge them.
 
Old 01-28-2010, 09:28 AM
 
Location: Incognito
6,995 posts, read 13,038,037 times
Reputation: 5305
The only swing I did was at the batting cages.
 
Old 01-28-2010, 09:33 AM
 
31 posts, read 191,988 times
Reputation: 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by Huckleberry3911948 View Post
interesting post, but did not mention the near irreversable damage caused by-- not attachment but but detachment. swinging is rarely a mutual decision, one partner pressures the other into the activity. the betrayal of trust causes near permanent damage. swingers have major trust issues. takes years of therapy to fix this. we did not like the life style of our grandparents so we substituted our own. we have failed.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
So what we must ask ourselves is- what kind of an action is this partner swapping?
And what kind of a reaction will there ultimately be?
That is the question we didn't ask when we entered the lifestyle.
We are finding out what the equal and opposite reaction is.
I can't allude to the irreversible damage that it may have caused because I haven't been there yet.
 
Old 01-28-2010, 09:43 AM
 
Location: Nashville, Tn
7,917 posts, read 11,678,814 times
Reputation: 5307
If I deeply cared for a woman the last thing I would want to do is think of her having sex with some strange guy as though it was nothing more than dancing in a night club. I don't have a problem at all with consenting adults having sex and in fact I wish I knew some who wanted to. I'm just saying that for me personally I would find nothing desirable about having a partner and both of us sleeping around. Why even have a partner in the first place if that's what you want to do?
 
Old 01-28-2010, 09:44 AM
 
3,261 posts, read 2,918,899 times
Reputation: 3895
Quote:
Originally Posted by mlmr11 View Post
Sex is the most misunderstood concept .
The point of the matter is we need to find out, within each of us, what sex means to us and what role it plays in our life. Once you can realize that, you can have a healthy attitude toward it. Then it can be put in it's proper place.
I think most of us would agree that the best sex is when emotion is involved.
That's why there are countless threads that say "swinging is dangerous because it can lead to emotional attachment".
Of course it can ..that's what we all, or at least most of us, crave with our sexual partner.
Some of us are having sex with multiple partners to make ourselves feel better but that's an entirely different subject.
I personally can't have empty sex...I don't get "excited" therefore it's pointless and self defeating.
But it took several years of swinging to realize that.
My wife and I had been involved in it that long and now we're in the midst of some serious turmoil.
When you are swinging , you're constantly looking for that "next high" until it finally leads to the "last high" which is not good. The last high is the high that you realize you're marriage is now just a business arrangement. And when your marriage is just a business arrangement you run the danger of having intense feelings for a swing partner.
As for our marriage problems, do I blame swinging for this ?
Only in that it prolonged the inevitable. Something was wrong, whatever it was , that needed to be fixed.
I do believe that most , if not all , swinging marriages have underlying issues that are being masked by the swinging. There are sex addicts out there and that in and of itself is a problem for a marriage.
Addiction to anything , in general , is destructive to any relationship.
But all in all swinging is really a way for married couples to cheat without the guilt.
Anyone who says different is kidding themselves.
The usual mantra for such hobgobble to counter the swinging is cheating argument is something along the lines of " we're not cheating we're consenting to have sex with other people"
What you are really doing is letting your partner cheat on you so you can do the same.
If you're ok with that, and that is your true personality , then have at it . But quite frankly you're not a person I want to know.
Some people say that swingers are the nicest people they've ever met.
Well guess what - It's only because they want to get in your pants.
My advice to anyone who would want to try swinging is this- go see a marriage councilor . You can save yourself a lot of time, heartache and aggravation.
Good post and hopefully an eye-opener for couples trying to interject some spice in their married lives. I just don't get the whole married swinging couple thing.

Anytime you introduce a third party or multiple parties into a relationship it's a recipe for disaster, IMO. When you factor all the normal human emotion: jealousy, attachment, love, trust -

What & who started you both on this path? Was it boredom or a way to live out one of your fantasies? Are you guys even still married?
 
Old 01-28-2010, 09:51 AM
 
Location: Tulsa
2,529 posts, read 2,632,279 times
Reputation: 539
Years ago my (now ex) husband brought a friend of his into our bed. It was the beginning of the end of our marriage.
 
Old 01-28-2010, 09:53 AM
 
31 posts, read 191,988 times
Reputation: 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by robee70 View Post
Good post and hopefully an eye-opener for couples trying to interject some spice in their married lives. I just don't get the whole married swinging couple thing.

Anytime you introduce a third party or multiple parties into a relationship it's a recipe for disaster, IMO. When you factor all the normal human emotion: jealousy, attachment, love, trust -

What & who started you both on this path? Was it boredom or a way to live out one of your fantasies? Are you guys even still married?
Yes we are still married and currently seeing a councilor.
I can't define "the" reason we got involved as of yet but it's apparent to me that there were several.

A potential laundry list would look like this :
1) Emotional detachment
2) Misunderstanding of passion vs pleasure
3) Unresolved sexual misconception issues.
4) Boredom
5) Mistrust

And those are really just things we're exploring but not necessarily the root cause or even a cause at all.

To answer your question who started this - it was my wife but let me tell you that I was a very willing participant.
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