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Since you have traveled to so many different places, moved into a home, and she started a business it sounds as if both of you have already been very busy. Maybe all these things you have done together were her ambitions and now she needs time to figure out what else she wants. The things you mentioned are all on my wanna list if they were suddenly given to me I would need some what now time. Good luck I hope it works out for you!
we had a fight last night. during dinner, while making conversation, i asked what her goals and dreams in life are. she said she doesn't have any. i was very disappointed and wasn't in the mood to talk anymore. sure enough, we had a fight about why i was diappointed and that i hurt her feelings for telling her that "i can't believe i'm with someone who doesn't have any goals in life".
we are both around 30, and recently engaged. been together for 4 years.
I would want to be with someone who is a go-get-er. someone who knows what they want out of life...at least to some extent.
i have a feeling that you're going to say i'm over reacting...and if so, then i guess i will appologize to her...but i just feel like she's just happy to be 'there'...just 'there'! you know what i mean? no ambitions to do anything or accomplish anything in life. i don't know. maybe i'm wrong.
any help in advice is welcome.
I don't think your overreacting but you should apologize if you hurt her feelings in any way
She probably feels secure enough how she is now, she feels content and feels she doesn't need to improve herself.
I've also known many individuals with no more ambition than potted plants who are destined to lead very dull and uneventful lives and they could care less. I don't think that everyone should be setting a goal to become a CEO of a major corporation but I do believe it's important to try to enrich your life by continuing to learn new things, to be informed about what is happening in the world, and to pursue whatever natural talents and skills they happen to possess. My Mother got a college degree when she was about sixty years old which I thought was a great achievement.
I also think we should make a distinction between the goal of accumulating as much material wealth as possible as opposed to growing intellectually. While it may be nice to be able to afford the comforts that money can buy I recognize that there's alot of very shallow and superficial people whose only goal in life has been to appear successful and surround themselves with like minded friends. That doesn't impress me personally at all so when I think about goals in life that's not the sort of thing that comes to mind.
Okay I have to play devil's advocate here a little bit.
If someone asked me my goals - right now I would have a hard time defining them. I just got done with years of school, I work (and like my job), but right now I'm content with working, and just living life. I consider it a plateau and will tackle the rest of the mountain when I'm ready.
If that's the case with your girl - there's nothing wrong with being happy where you're at.
On the other hand, if she has no job, no ambition (different from goals? a little maybe) then yes, you are correct in being upset. A marriage is a partnership. If she's not pulling her weight I can see how it would be easy for you to get resentful in the future if you aren't already.
I also think you are correct in wanting to deal with your problems before setting a date - if she is set on ignoring the problem then she probably will do so with even the littlest of issues.
I just have one question, what has she done for you and/or your relationship? You mention you built an addition for her business, helped her start a business, tried to help her run the business or at least give ideas/advice, you paid for the house, (I'm guessing at this one) you paid for all the trips. I'm quite curious if she has invested anything in your relationship or just sees you as someone who will take care of her. Sounds like you are investing in her and your relationship but if it isn't reciprocated I'm thinking she may just be settling and settling in.
Maybe your question caught her off guard and she could not articulate her goals at that particular point and time. Maybe she is content just to be your woman. And yes, I think you owe her an apology. You should not hurt someone's feeling because they don't say what you want to hear. What attracted you to her in the first place? She is the same person isn't she? Maybe you can help her in establishing goals and putting together a plan of action to achieve them. When you in a relationship with someone, you should better each other. Everyone is a work in progress to a certain extent...
I just have one question, what has she done for you and/or your relationship? You mention you built an addition for her business, helped her start a business, tried to help her run the business or at least give ideas/advice, you paid for the house, (I'm guessing at this one) you paid for all the trips. I'm quite curious if she has invested anything in your relationship or just sees you as someone who will take care of her. Sounds like you are investing in her and your relationship but if it isn't reciprocated I'm thinking she may just be settling and settling in.
She's cared for me and continues to do so. she's a wonderful woman and very very kind and loving. she is one of the most honest people i know and is very very pure at heart. i love her very very much. she's made our house beautiful and cares for it and appreciates it.
she's paid for her half of ALL the trips we've ever been on and with her very low (30k) salary since i've known her, has managed to pay part of our mortgage as well as save 35k in cash. she's very frugal and we have that in common.
she's definitely not a deadbeat or lazy. she started her own daycare taking care of little ones and she works long hours. she's absolutely great at it.
she's invested in our relationship just as much as i have, if not more!
i guess what i have a problem with is that she doesn't push herself (or ME for that matter) to become better at anything. she doesn't dream big or have any goals in life. i wish she did so we could share our dreams and goals and work to reach them together.
What kind of goals would you like her to have? She might just be content where she is right now, or she might not think of things in the context of "in 5 years, I'd like to have..."
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 01-29-2010 at 11:02 AM..
She's cared for me and continues to do so. she's a wonderful woman and very very kind and loving. she is one of the most honest people i know and is very very pure at heart. i love her very very much. she's made our house beautiful and cares for it and appreciates it.
she's paid for her half of ALL the trips we've ever been on and with her very low (30k) salary since i've known her, has managed to pay part of our mortgage as well as save 35k in cash. she's very frugal and we have that in common.
she's definitely not a deadbeat or lazy. she started her own daycare taking care of little ones and she works long hours. she's absolutely great at it.
she's invested in our relationship just as much as i have, if not more!
i guess what i have a problem with is that she doesn't push herself (or ME for that matter) to become better at anything. she doesn't dream big or have any goals in life. i wish she did so we could share our dreams and goals and work to reach them together.
Great to hear. Then like other's have said maybe you caught her off guard or she just doesn't have any goals that haven't been reached. Maybe she just doesn't think that far ahead. There could be a number of reasons but does she know all your goals? When you mention one does she get excited about anything? Maybe after a few relaxed conversations she'll realize she has goals she just couldn't remember or hasn't thought about in awhile. Goals/dreams change frequently sometimes especially if you accomplish a lot in a short time period.
Getting ready to be flamed here but I will spend my opinion.
Maybe she is happy with what she has. Sounds like she is pulling her own weight in the relationship, why penalize her for being content?
It could be easily turned around to be: "Why would she want to be with somebody who is never satisfied"?
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