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To be honest I have always dreaded the "what are your goals" questions that really only seemed to pop up alot starting 25 years ago or so. First at work, then outside work, then in every aspect of life. I don't have goals that are defined enough to give a simple answer too and have always been a more "go with the flow" type of person. I wanted a family, I wanted to learn about stuff, I wanted to do interesting things...that's about as detailed as I could ever get. I could never every say "I want to be "x" when I grow up" or "I want to have done "x" by the time I'm 40". Sometimes it did feel like I was drifting but when you drift you usually end up in places you may never have thought to go on your own and makes life interesting. AND I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HAPPY WHEREVER I WAS IN LIFE...I never felt the need to strive for more, More, MORE of anything. Maybe that makes me wierd but that's how it is.
This is exactly how I am as well. This thread made me think about my personal goals, and at this moment I don't really have any. I'd like to travel more, but that's limited by money. I can't think of any really huge life goals. I'm content with my job, I don't have pressing family or relationship issues--I'm just going with the flow.
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 01-29-2010 at 01:49 PM..
OP, I don't know what happened to your last post, but here is what your post sounds like. It sounds like you have specific ideas in mind of what you want her to do. You say you forced her to go into a self employed business. It seems that you are the aggressive type. I'm not knocking you for that. But have you thought about what she wants? Have you actually talked to her openly and honestly? Perhaps she's not the aggressive type like you. Sounds like she's doing whatever you want because she's afraid of losing you.
Like I said in my earlier post. Do not get mad, do not yell, do not attack. Tell her you want to have an adult to adult talk and tell her that you want her to say whatever is on her mind without any repercussions or anger from you. I have seen it before where one is afraid to say anything to set off the other person. Ask her what she wants. Then tell her what YOU want, not what YOU want HER to do. Be careful how you word things because the slightest misunderstanding will set her back into her quiet zone.
Telling her you're not going to talk about it until she sorts out what she wants is in my opinion controlling. You BOTH have to talk to each other. If you can't do that, go to counseling.
In all honesty, 4 years and you still don't know what she wants? You might want to look at the bigger picture. Perhaps you're doing something or acting in a way that affects her. I'm not blaming you, not blaming her. Something isn't right and you BOTH need to figure it out, not just her.
the only reason i "pushed" her to open the business or "pushed" her to do this and that is because she had lost her job and was on Unemployment benefits and getting more depressed by the day and when i would tell her that well, it's been a few months, what would you like to do with your life? would you like to continue the same type of job or go a different path? or tell her that 'look on the bright side....this is your opportunity to do whatever it is that you want to pursue....we have our finances set...so you don't have to worry about money....you can go to college again, or start a business or what ever it is you'd like to do"
when i would tell her the above, she would say: "i don't know".
so, after a while, i started giving her more ideas and helping her towards a path that i thought might please her. working with kids. etc.
that's why i "pushed" her. it wasn't to please my own urges. it was to make her better! and that's EXACTLY what i expect in return. for her to make me better. unfortunately, she tries no such thing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by iwonderwhy2124
Let me guess, you got together and she has slowly extricated herself from the workforce and become lazier and lazier. This is what happens when one person works and the other doesn't in a relationship. The non-worker becomes a lay-about and a parasite. She knows she doesn't have to expend any effort to survive so she isn't going to.
DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT. This is how lazy women trap guys like you. You are probably nice so you will feel obligated to stay and pay the bills. If that happened then she would truly have a free ride no matter what. Even if you broke up she would probably get your house and most of your money.
Tell her to shape up or kick her ass to the curb. She needs to do something to contribute to the household. Even if it's just working at McDonald's she needs to help pay the bills.
no. please read the other posts. that's very far from our case.
She's cared for me and continues to do so. she's a wonderful woman and very very kind and loving. she is one of the most honest people i know and is very very pure at heart. i love her very very much. she's made our house beautiful and cares for it and appreciates it.
she's paid for her half of ALL the trips we've ever been on and with her very low (30k) salary since i've known her, has managed to pay part of our mortgage as well as save 35k in cash. she's very frugal and we have that in common.
she's definitely not a deadbeat or lazy. she started her own daycare taking care of little ones and she works long hours. she's absolutely great at it.
she's invested in our relationship just as much as i have, if not more!
i guess what i have a problem with is that she doesn't push herself (or ME for that matter) to become better at anything. she doesn't dream big or have any goals in life. i wish she did so we could share our dreams and goals and work to reach them together.
Oh, I retract my former post then. If she is pulling her own weight then I have no problem with that.
I'm actually a lot like your fiance. I have no ambition or goals. I just want to hang out in bars, play video games and travel. I despise work and avoid it as much as is possible. But, I have a huge pet peeve about being self-sufficient. I think it is disgusting when people mooch off of other people. Anybody who is an adult should be able to support themself.
I'm totally content with the rut that I am in. But, I pay my own way in the world and always will.
This is exactly how I am as well. This thread made me think about my personal goals, and at this moment I don't really have any. I'd like to travel more, but that's limited by money. I can't think of any really huge life goals.
see that's the thing. i didn't expect to hear "huge life goals" from her.
i just wanted to hear something. anything. anything that would show me that this person looks towards something. has ambitions.
goals don't have to be big necessarily in order to be 'good'.
Your situation oddly enough made me think of my father.
At his funeral several years ago it occurred to me that the one word that best applied to my father was duty. The man served his country during WWII, came home started a family, worked a factory job for 40+ years as the sole breadwinner of our family, raised us kids, attended church nearly every Sunday of his life, bought and maintained a home in the'burbs, and was married to my mother for 65 years until his death at age 86. I never once heard him speak about goals or dreams for himself.
Doubtless, he had them, everyone does. But whatever they were he put what he saw as his obligations to family and society above his own interests.
Maybe your girlfriend is the same way. You are her goal. Your future children, if that is the wish, are her goal. Building and maintaining a good, nurturing life for one family may be her goal. Perhaps she is putting herself second to others around her.
see that's the thing. i didn't expect to hear "huge life goals" from her.
i just wanted to hear something. anything. anything that would show me that this person looks towards something. has ambitions.
goals don't have to be big necessarily in order to be 'good'.
Can you give an example of what you would have liked her to say? I'm not being snippy, really I just want to know. Some peoples minds don't work on the "goal oriented" level even though they may absolutely have them and just not realize it. My husband never could tell me what he wanted me to say, only that it proved to him that we were no longer compatable (that is not the only thing, it was a just minor aside to many bigger issues).
see that's the thing. i didn't expect to hear "huge life goals" from her.
i just wanted to hear something. anything. anything that would show me that this person looks towards something. has ambitions. goals don't have to be big necessarily in order to be 'good'.
Excellent point!
That was my line of thought with my ex.
Do you think if she expressed and was actively working towards some kind of visible ambition towards something, you would be married by this point?
What if she said her goal was to be a good wife? Would that be good enough for you?
It used to be, but people have different ideas these days.
At 50 I am old enough to remember when that was the ONLY kind of thing people wanted to hear from their mates, and I've been witness to the change over time. It's interesting but I don't fully comprehend it or know where it leads.
To me that is grounds for dismissal. I just called it quits with my girl because, for one thing, while she does work, and loved me, she wasn't able to push or motivate me in the ways I needed, and rightfully wanted.
Good thing I didn't buy that AZ snowman. I KNEW I wasn't gonna need it...
Why would she push you or motivate you?! That's YOUR job! The rest is excuses, excuses, excuses... I’m happy for the girl, though! Hopefully she didn’t waste too much time knocking her head against a brick wall.
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