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Old 02-01-2010, 10:14 AM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 10,125,806 times
Reputation: 7891

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberated View Post
I've been lurking around for a year before I finally registered and started posting on this site. I must say, it's been a year of turmoil for me, as I was going through a separation after 20 years of marriage, and reading some posts here has either been a source of entertainment (you know who you are!) and enlightenment (some excellent posts and posters here and you know who you are too!).

Anyway, I was on a first date last night. First date with a man I met through a dating site, and actually it was the first date I've had in over 20 years. I did all the correct things that most of you suggested (checked him out before-hand, be safety conscious, etc.).

We went for coffee first, then for a bite to eat. He's a really nice man and we had a great conversation. We left it at a possibility for a tentative movie date, he wanted me to call him as he knew I was new to the dating game and he didn't want to rush me.

My question: I liked him, but I didn't feel anything. In general, when does chemistry hit and you "know" it? I am a happy (actually I'm ecstatic now that I'm separated), stable, financially secure, independent woman with my sh*t together, I have no desire to settle and am very discerning, I would rather be alone than to be in a bad situation again. If I liked him enough, shall I go on with a second date, hoping that chemistry will develop?

BTW, yes, I'm over-analytical, but I have felt chemistry before and it was instant, but I've never acted on it -- too many barriers in the way at the time. I've regretted not acting on it.

Entertaining and enlightened responses only!
I don't think there is a formula per say. Sometimes there is an instant chemisty and sometimes it takes some time to develop.
In my opinion, I would go out with this man few more times to see if there is anything there. Sometimes, all it takes is one passionate kiss for that chemistry to kick in.
If anything, the worst that can happen is that you enjoy the company of a nice man and even if nothing comes out of it, you can find yourself a potential friend.
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Old 02-01-2010, 10:16 AM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 10,125,806 times
Reputation: 7891
Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberated View Post
All great stories and wonderful advice. Thanks so much for the feedback.

I've known instant chemistry before and unfortunately he was almost two decades younger than I. He felt it too, but common sense prevailed for the two of us. We worked together and we became very close and are still very good friends, I know exactly how he feels and thinks -- we were and still are very in tuned with each other. For example, the weekend that his brother died, I knew something was wrong, I was frantic and couldn't get a hold of him. And this happened about two months after we last communicated.

As to my date yesterday, we've not kissed yet, perhaps when that happens then I will be able to tell? Anyway, like you guys have suggested, I'm going to have a second date and we'll see. If there really is no chemistry or spark, then if we have enough in common, we can remain friends? Meanwhile, I will enjoy the moment. All my life, I've conducted my life according to plan. I really don't want to do that anymore. BTW, I'm in IT, perhaps that explains it. Also, I'm on the wrong side of 45. Old enough to be realistic, yet young enough to still pursue hopes and dreams.
Sounds like a good plan to me.
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Old 02-01-2010, 10:38 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
13,034 posts, read 22,440,041 times
Reputation: 10236
Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberated View Post
As to my date yesterday, we've not kissed yet, perhaps when that happens then I will be able to tell? Anyway, like you guys have suggested, I'm going to have a second date and we'll see. If there really is no chemistry or spark, then if we have enough in common, we can remain friends? Meanwhile, I will enjoy the moment. All my life, I've conducted my life according to plan. I really don't want to do that anymore. BTW, I'm in IT, perhaps that explains it. Also, I'm on the wrong side of 45. Old enough to be realistic, yet young enough to still pursue hopes and dreams.
Don't put so much pressure on yourself to have to feel sparks when you kiss him. If you really want physical sparks to happen, it'd be better to delay physical contact with him for as long as possible, to let the sexual tension build.

Otherwise, there are several types of chemistry. Physical lust for a hottie, or personality chemistry from verbal repartee. I don't act on my physical attractions to men, but I am much more interested in the chemistry between our brains. But I grew up loving old movies with Jimmy Stewart and Cary Grant in them. Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn were the perfect couple. True romance for me are movies like Roman Holiday and It Happened One Night. Kissing is not sexy, it's all the courtship leading up to that first kiss that's wonderful to me.

And lastly, the older one gets, the more important it is that the chemistry be more of a personality connection than just a physical one. Especially as we all lose our youthful good looks. I wasn't a 10 in looks when I was young, and my physical attraction number isn't going to get higher. So knowing that my boyfriend loves my brain more than anything, I am comforted that he is much less likely to run away from me as I get old and wrinkly. And if he was attracted to my exteriour beauty the most, I would definitely feel insecure about the the future holds for me in terms of the longevity of our relationship.
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Old 02-01-2010, 11:36 AM
 
Location: Dallas, Texas
563 posts, read 1,037,188 times
Reputation: 394
I guess I'm a little bit old fashioned. I was married before, we were together for 9 years. There was no chemistry on the first meeting but it was very quick thereafter.

I have been in love only once since my divorce, and I've dated quite a bit. This man I met online. I wasn't attracted to his pictures at all, but he kept pursuing me. We met for lunch, and I remember thinking he was a nice person and seemed like a good guy. We hugged goodbye and I remember feeling the slightest bit of something, but that was it. The second date...wow. Fireworks.

I have only dated a friend once, when we had been friends for many years. I think it can happen, however my experience was that it wasn't as passionate. I think you can be attracted to someone, but then you can be passionately attracted to someone. I think the latter is what romantic love is supposed to be about. So for me, I give it 2-3 dates. If I don't feel anything by that point, I'm probably not going to feel anything. That is also something I read in a book once...to give it 2-3 dates and if you don't feel any chemistry, even the slightest bit, and even if he is the nicest guy in the world, just move on.
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Old 02-01-2010, 11:47 AM
 
Location: Bronx, NY
4,386 posts, read 5,624,552 times
Reputation: 5385
Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberated View Post
I've been lurking around for a year before I finally registered and started posting on this site. I must say, it's been a year of turmoil for me, as I was going through a separation after 20 years of marriage, and reading some posts here has either been a source of entertainment (you know who you are!) and enlightenment (some excellent posts and posters here and you know who you are too!).

Anyway, I was on a first date last night. First date with a man I met through a dating site, and actually it was the first date I've had in over 20 years. I did all the correct things that most of you suggested (checked him out before-hand, be safety conscious, etc.).

We went for coffee first, then for a bite to eat. He's a really nice man and we had a great conversation. We left it at a possibility for a tentative movie date, he wanted me to call him as he knew I was new to the dating game and he didn't want to rush me.

My question: I liked him, but I didn't feel anything. In general, when does chemistry hit and you "know" it? I am a happy (actually I'm ecstatic now that I'm separated), stable, financially secure, independent woman with my sh*t together, I have no desire to settle and am very discerning, I would rather be alone than to be in a bad situation again. If I liked him enough, shall I go on with a second date, hoping that chemistry will develop?

BTW, yes, I'm over-analytical, but I have felt chemistry before and it was instant, but I've never acted on it -- too many barriers in the way at the time. I've regretted not acting on it.

Entertaining and enlightened responses only!
Well if you really like a person have a couple of dates with him. By this, you will learn more about him. Also by then you will know if he really likes you as much as you do. There is no harm in dating.
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Old 02-01-2010, 11:48 AM
 
79 posts, read 76,665 times
Reputation: 60
I agree with most posters that chemistry can be instant and can take time. It depends.

The first time I fell in love was with a guy I wasn't even remotely attracted to. We met through a mutual friend but there was no attraction there. We remained phone friends for a few months. He surprised me at work one day and we began hanging out. He would pick me up from work every day. We would walk and talk and enjoy each other's company. A month into this routine, I realized I was really into him. Two months later we kissed for the first time. FIREWORKS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Best kiss/makeout of my life
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Old 02-01-2010, 11:59 AM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
5,078 posts, read 8,861,576 times
Reputation: 3620
First off, Kudos to you for putting yourself back out there in the sometimes crazy world of dating. From what you have described, it sounds like you have gone about everything the correct and responsible way. To be honest though and you may not know this because you have been with one man for so long but, chemistry is something you feel right away. i don't believe for a minute its something that can " grow on you" and I don't believe you can create it. You either have great chemistry with someone right away or not.
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Old 02-01-2010, 12:13 PM
 
3,062 posts, read 4,228,761 times
Reputation: 3179
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman View Post
Never tried with internet dating, where I'd imagine there's an element of having to make chemistry happen ?
No need to make it happen or not - basically the only difference with the web is that you meet them in words first and then in person - and when you do meet in person the chemistry is either there or it isn't, just like with all other encounters. I dated a few guys off the internet, no chemistry, zilch. Met my husband online as well, and when we met in person - mega chemistry
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Old 02-01-2010, 12:31 PM
 
Location: Philly
1,776 posts, read 2,586,378 times
Reputation: 800
I agree, it's not something that is forced, and it's something that varies from person to person.

I'm over analytical too, so I try to check that to a degree. It's good to have, to pick up on some potential bullish, but it can choke the fun out of getting to know someone.

If a girl can wow my mind, I'd consider taking a discount on other things.
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Old 02-01-2010, 01:52 PM
 
Location: Up North
151 posts, read 98,853 times
Reputation: 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by andreaspercheron View Post
First off, Kudos to you for putting yourself back out there in the sometimes crazy world of dating. From what you have described, it sounds like you have gone about everything the correct and responsible way. To be honest though and you may not know this because you have been with one man for so long but, chemistry is something you feel right away. i don't believe for a minute its something that can " grow on you" and I don't believe you can create it. You either have great chemistry with someone right away or not.
I think that there is some truth to the instant chemistry... that's why I was a bit concerned as I didn't feel it for my date.

There were only 3 times in my life when I felt the instantaneous chemistry -- so I know it exists. One was the co-worker I was talking about (20 years my junior and it was instant sexual chemistry, but we did nothing about it -- to many barriers), another was a person I met in university and I'm still in contact with him, we're still very good friends, but it wasn't sexual chemistry. The last is my best girlfriend (non-sexual chemistry) -- we instantly clicked right away.
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