When does Chemistry hit?

[Liberated]

Originally Posted by stepka

Liberated, it's still a little soonish to be feeling any chemistry anyway. You may be ready to date, but still emotionally deadened. I know I am--I'm getting single now after a 23 year marriage and it's been a year, like you. I'm just going to go out and have fun and not worry about chemistry or sleeping with anyone for a little while--this time right now is to find out what you like, and it wouldn't be a bad idea to date several at a time. (no sex though!) I read somewhere that it would be fine to lower your standards at this time too, so you can go out more and have fun. So have fun! I'll be behind you by a few months but looking forward to it.

Emotionally deadened is a good way to describe how I feel sometimes, but those feelings are decreasing with time. And you've described my plan to a T -- tiny baby steps first and no sex until I'm sure. Actually, I've lowered my standards too, my way of thinking is that I may be missing out on someone great if I don't. Plus, I think that I've been too rigid in the past and hence only attracted to a too small sub-set of people -- time to expand my horizons a bit.

[Liberated]

Originally Posted by sweethearttx

Another thing I have also learned from trying to date after being divorced (and having never really dated prior to my marriage)...a low smolder is better. I dated a guy once that I was instantly, and madly attracted to. And that fired burned hot but it faded FAST. The ones that were more enduring, I felt a very low attraction. And it grew over time into something very passionate and long lasting. But the point was, it was there from near the beginning. Give the guy one more shot and see.

Good point about the fast fade -- gotta love it! Low smolder or simmer! OK, no third date if there is no smolder. I'll report back next week.

[miu]

Originally Posted by Liberated

Hey Miu, I'm glad that you responded. I've been following your posts and think in quite the same way that you do. I too, am quite attractive and look (and act) much younger than my age. I want to be desired for my intellect and personality, than my looks. It's tough to separate the boys from the men, but i figure if I hold out on the 'sex' business until I really get to know the guy, then naturally the ones wanting only that one thing will have moved on by then.

In the meantime, I intend to date multiple people and see if I can capture some of the chemistry and spark again -- I don't want to settle without the chemistry. Without it, it doesn't bode well for a long term relationship.

Thanks for the welcome to your thread!

Another personal observation... in the past, I'd have a heavy crush on a guy... to the point of feeling awkward and tongue-tied around him. And I've discovered after some trial and error, that what works best for me is to avoid trying to date a guy that makes me feel so shy and unsure, and instead I go for a guy that I feel really comfortable around... like a favorite pair of blue jeans. Plus I realize and accept that for me, real true love is a very steady flame, not manic depressive highs and lows of an emotional roller coaster. So when the initial honeymoon period of crush feelings starts to fade away, I don't panic that I've fallen out of love with him. True love to me is equal parts of lust, affection and liking each other as best friends. And it's not boring to have a s/o who thinks so much like I do and has the same life goals. It really helps with being able to trust one another completely.

[simplementmoi]

Originally Posted by Liberated

I WANT the FIREWORKS!!

I've only had that experience once I've had some great kisses but none that mirrored that one. I get warm just thinking about it.