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Old 02-01-2010, 05:23 AM
 
Location: Incognito
7,002 posts, read 17,892,229 times
Reputation: 5419

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Pork anyone?
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Old 02-01-2010, 05:39 AM
 
Location: Dallas TX
13,917 posts, read 19,872,115 times
Reputation: 19065
Maybe he doesn't know what he is doing? I may have missed it but how was your sex life before? Has he always been selfish?

Sex is two ways. Like another poster said, next time you do the deed, become "in charge" and tell him what you want him do THEN and don't let up until he does it. Become the boss in bed the next couple of times!
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Old 02-01-2010, 05:59 AM
 
Location: in the good ol' South
865 posts, read 2,027,223 times
Reputation: 862
If you have already told him your needs and desires, and this is a change in his behavior from how it used to be, then he is not being lazy. He is withdrawing from your relationship for some reason. What you should try to figure out is why he has changed, not just try to "change him back".

If possible, try to have a frank discussion about his feelings, and why he is not willing to be an "eager participant". That is very unusual for a man, unless something else is going on. You may need counseling, if all he says is, "There's nothing wrong!". And if that doesn't work, you'll have to figure out whether you can live like this for eternity or not.
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Old 02-01-2010, 06:07 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,227 posts, read 21,624,307 times
Reputation: 23995
Quote:
Originally Posted by dgfurman View Post
If you have already told him your needs and desires, and this is a change in his behavior from how it used to be, then he is not being lazy. He is withdrawing from your relationship for some reason. What you should try to figure out is why he has changed, not just try to "change him back".

If possible, try to have a frank discussion about his feelings, and why he is not willing to be an "eager participant". That is very unusual for a man, unless something else is going on. You may need counseling, if all he says is, "There's nothing wrong!". And if that doesn't work, you'll have to figure out whether you can live like this for eternity or not.
I agree. *You would think* that he would want to make sure that you are satisfied in that area. I know that my husband is very considerate with me, and it just shows respect, ya` know?
To me, its very important in a marriage. Talk to him again!
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Old 02-01-2010, 06:19 AM
 
Location: Sango, TN
24,889 posts, read 19,849,298 times
Reputation: 8597
Sounds like some sex therapy would be a good thing for y'all. You know, you get 30 minutes of time one day, he gets 30 minutes the next. Y'all can take a cruise, without kids if you have them, and try and rekindle that zing.

Things of that nature, but my first suggestion would be sex counseling.
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Old 02-01-2010, 06:24 AM
 
Location: New Zealand and Australia
7,458 posts, read 10,892,991 times
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Tiger Wood's sex counselor has just retired to the Bahamas, but I'm sure there are more.
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Old 02-01-2010, 06:25 AM
 
Location: Corydon, IN
3,682 posts, read 4,028,760 times
Reputation: 7496
Quote:
Originally Posted by BLAZER PROPHET View Post
Here's what I'd do (if I were a woman)...

Make him wait for it. And wait. And wait. Then, when he's begging and pouting like a wounded dog, set some nasty (but tasteful that ensure your full pleasure) guidelines and then go for it. Tease the hell out of him and make sure he understands why it's being done.

Here's a second thought... make him wait just a little, and then tell him you'll give in, but only if he gets tied up. Then, if you're creative enough, YOU can have your way with him and ensure your fullest pleasures are met.

Well, now isn't this just great. I was hoping to stay up late, but after this thread I have to take the wife to bed early. I'm mad at you.

Felicitev21, I would NOT follow this advice if I was you.

As a man who may not do it any more but WAS perfectly capable of being a jerk when younger, robee has told you correctly: This will only make things WORSE, not better.

The only time you ever need to be prepared to "teach someone a lesson" is when either A) it's very minor and you know they're the type to take a strong hint, or B) you no longer care at all and are ready to part ways.

This is because the human capacity for resentment and vengeful action is almost limitless, while the human capacity for reason is virtually non-existent.

I know in my first marriage my wife loved the sex; but the rest of her behaviour was an absolute turn-off for me. Still, I was young, in my early 20's, in fantastic shape, and my libido often got the best of me when it came to efforts to withhold sex.

Since I was growing to resent her as a person and couldn't simply "shut it off" and see her as a body in the bedroom, and especially since I began to catch her bad-mouthing me more and more outside the bedroom, I developed a very petty plan for very petty vengeance. Granted, this was in the final stages of our marriage -- but I'm telling you about it to illustrate the kind of thing that COULD happen.

KNOWING the one thing she'd never say no to was sex, knowing she often initiated it, I would do the following:

If SHE initiated sex, then I would reluctantly agree, making her really work for it, feigning as much disinterest as I could while goading her into pleasuring me, and when it came time to return the favor I'd just do whatever it took to get myself off as quickly as possible. Now spent, I'd purposely roll over and go to sleep. She might fuss, but so what?

If I wanted sex I'd coax and wheedle and plead, keep pushing, doing whatever it took to get her to agree, and then I'd do my very best to keep it BASIC (no techniques, nothing I knew would offer her any pleasure) and I'd make -- it -- LAST. And believe me, I could make it last.

Looking back on that now I despise what I did, know it for the nasty pettiness it was. However, in the ongoing war with her sex was pretty much my only weapon because by nature I'm NOT a nasty, mean, petty person who harps about others behind their back. As I said, by the time things reached that stage we were on our last legs and I felt like I was getting in my licks (so to speak, I assure you there were no licks of any sort).

The point is, YOUR problem is one which must be actively solved OR actively walked away from.

Whether you walk away or not is up to you, I don't know your back-story or situation and it's not my call to make.

However, if you're interested in fixing it:

First and foremost we HEAR about communication all the time. There is almost NOTHING worse for a frustrated person to hear than "Have you tried talking to him/her?"

The thing about communication is that when it comes to talking, when it comes to really getting a point through to someone, it requires a SERIOUS sit-down, nothing-else-going-on, nowhere-else-to-go, no-excuses talk, and to accomplish that takes some planning.

- Think in advance about a time when NEITHER of you has something going on. There can be no accomplishment if the opportunity presents itself for interruption. In fact, interruption will make things even MORE frustrating for the person trying to communicate. You've got to pick a time and place and MAKE the opportunity for NO excuse to get in the way; this thing has to be hammered out.

- When you sit down to talk, set some ground rules. Among these ground rules:
  • Please LISTEN to what I'm saying. When we're thinking about what we want to say next we're not really listening.
  • Please allow me to finish, from beginning to end, and then I'll do the same for you. It's nearly impossible to stay on track with a discussion when we allow it to degenerate into argument and finger-pointing.
  • Please bear in mind I'm opening this up for discussion, not accusation. We have a problem and I want to solve it rather than allow it to continue.

Anyway, IF he won't listen, then in a way you have your answer.

IF he sits down and you begin, even if it degenerates into argument, the topic is out there AND you've tried to be reasonable -- no disrespect meant when I say probably more reasonable than you might have been when you've mentioned it before. It's very, very difficult to restrain emotion when you're that frustrated, and nearly impossible by the time you've reached a stage where you begin to dread someone's touch.

Key points:

- Do NOT allow yourself to become angry at any point during the discussion. He will very possibly become angry himself.

- Do NOT allow the topic to deviate from what's at hand unless you feel like you're getting some answers as to what's going on (ie., he's feeling distant from you, he doesn't want to be married, he's doing something like what I described with myself, taking something out on you). It is WAY too easy to allow tangents to take us completely away from the problems we're trying to solve. Don't let sexual dissatisfaction turn into one of you never putting the orange juice back in the refrigerator.

When it comes to discussing sex with him don't ask what's wrong with HIM, and don't try to be meek by taking the submissive route and asking if there's something wrong with YOU.

Flat-out ask what's wrong with your sex life. If he says nothing, let him know you disagree. Don't be cold or harsh about it, but don't back down either. If he tries to turn that into a fight, pulls something defensive in a sour-grapes fashion (such as Fine, if I'm so lousy I just won't touch you anymore) STOP him right there. Let him know this is NOT what you want out of your relationship, otherwise you'd just say NO instead of trying to talk to him.

Let him know you're concerned rather than angry. Share the good along with the bad, remind him that once upon a time he DID do things to satisfy you. Describe those things, pick sexual MOMENTS (not acts) and be free to express emotion about them, how they made you feel, how they made your body respond. Let him know that desire FOR HIM is still in you and yet he seems to have grown distant and hurried. At this point ask him what's changed. Don't point out how YOU think he's changed (yet), ask him what's different in your mutual lives that has resulted in this distance.

The whole point there is to get him to QUESTION while not going on the defensive. People on the defensive aren't eager to communicate, they're eager to get away or to turn the tables and put you on the defensive. No one likes to feel as though they're under scrutiny or are somehow failing in any way; it's a bitter pill to swallow.



Dear, I'd love to pretend I've given you a catch-all/cure all here, but I haven't. I'm simply sharing with you what I'd do in your shoes, what I'd go back and do in my own shoes if I could fly back across the years to various scenarios which I might have handled better.

In the end I HOPE you work this out; staying in an unsatisfying marriage is a dreadful thing. However, in the end you DO need to be prepared for things to go badly. I hope they don't, but never forget that they might.

Good luck.
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Old 02-01-2010, 06:27 AM
 
Location: New Zealand and Australia
7,458 posts, read 10,892,991 times
Reputation: 7783
Quote:
Originally Posted by Urban Sasquatch View Post
Felicitev21, I would NOT follow this advice if I was you.

As a man who may not do it any more but WAS perfectly capable of being a jerk when younger, robee has told you correctly: This will only make things WORSE, not better.

The only time you ever need to be prepared to "teach someone a lesson" is when either A) it's very minor and you know they're the type to take a strong hint, or B) you no longer care at all and are ready to part ways.

This is because the human capacity for resentment and vengeful action is almost limitless, while the human capacity for reason is virtually non-existent.

I know in my first marriage my wife loved the sex; but the rest of her behaviour was an absolute turn-off for me. Still, I was young, in my early 20's, in fantastic shape, and my libido often got the best of me when it came to efforts to withhold sex.

Since I was growing to resent her as a person and couldn't simply "shut it off" and see her as a body in the bedroom, and especially since I began to catch her bad-mouthing me more and more outside the bedroom, I developed a very petty plan for very petty vengeance. Granted, this was in the final stages of our marriage -- but I'm telling you about it to illustrate the kind of thing that COULD happen.

KNOWING the one thing she'd never say no to was sex, knowing she often initiated it, I would do the following:

If SHE initiated sex, then I would reluctantly agree, making her really work for it, feigning as much disinterest as I could while goading her into pleasuring me, and when it came time to return the favor I'd just do whatever it took to get myself off as quickly as possible. Now spent, I'd purposely roll over and go to sleep. She might fuss, but so what?

If I wanted sex I'd coax and wheedle and plead, keep pushing, doing whatever it took to get her to agree, and then I'd do my very best to keep it BASIC (no techniques, nothing I knew would offer her any pleasure) and I'd make -- it -- LAST. And believe me, I could make it last.

Looking back on that now I despise what I did, know it for the nasty pettiness it was. However, in the ongoing war with her sex was pretty much my only weapon because by nature I'm NOT a nasty, mean, petty person who harps about others behind their back. As I said, by the time things reached that stage we were on our last legs and I felt like I was getting in my licks (so to speak, I assure you there were no licks of any sort).

The point is, YOUR problem is one which must be actively solved OR actively walked away from.

Whether you walk away or not is up to you, I don't know your back-story or situation and it's not my call to make.

However, if you're interested in fixing it:

First and foremost we HEAR about communication all the time. There is almost NOTHING worse for a frustrated person to hear than "Have you tried talking to him/her?"

The thing about communication is that when it comes to talking, when it comes to really getting a point through to someone, it requires a SERIOUS sit-down, nothing-else-going-on, nowhere-else-to-go, no-excuses talk, and to accomplish that takes some planning.

- Think in advance about a time when NEITHER of you has something going on. There can be no accomplishment if the opportunity presents itself for interruption. In fact, interruption will make things even MORE frustrating for the person trying to communicate. You've got to pick a time and place and MAKE the opportunity for NO excuse to get in the way; this thing has to be hammered out.

- When you sit down to talk, set some ground rules. Among these ground rules:
  • Please LISTEN to what I'm saying. When we're thinking about what we want to say next we're not really listening.
  • Please allow me to finish, from beginning to end, and then I'll do the same for you. It's nearly impossible to stay on track with a discussion when we allow it to degenerate into argument and finger-pointing.
  • Please bear in mind I'm opening this up for discussion, not accusation. We have a problem and I want to solve it rather than allow it to continue.
(I hate the way bullet statements either cram up against each other OR require vast amounts of space)


Anyway, IF he won't listen, then in a way you have your answer.

IF he sits down and you begin, even if it degenerates into argument, the topic is out there AND you've tried to be reasonable -- no disrespect meant when I say probably more reasonable than you might have been when you've mentioned it before. It's very, very difficult to restrain emotion when you're that frustrated, and nearly impossible by the time you've reached a stage where you begin to dread someone's touch.

Key points:

- Do NOT allow yourself to become angry at any point during the discussion. He will very possibly become angry himself.

- Do NOT allow the topic to deviate from what's at hand unless you feel like you're getting some answers as to what's going on (ie., he's feeling distant from you, he doesn't want to be married, he's doing something like what I described with myself, taking something out on you). It is WAY too easy to allow tangents to take us completely away from the problems we're trying to solve. Don't let sexual dissatisfaction turn into one of you never putting the orange juice back in the refrigerator.

When it comes to discussing sex with him don't ask what's wrong with HIM, and don't try to be meek by taking the submissive route and asking if there's something wrong with YOU.

Flat-out ask what's wrong with your sex life. If he says nothing, let him know you disagree. Don't be cold or harsh about it, but don't back down either. If he tries to turn that into a fight, pulls something defensive in a sour-grapes fashion (such as Fine, if I'm so lousy I just won't touch you anymore) STOP him right there. Let him know this is NOT what you want out of your relationship, otherwise you'd just say NO instead of trying to talk to him.

Let him know you're concerned rather than angry. Share the good along with the bad, remind him that once upon a time he DID do things to satisfy you. Describe those things, pick sexual MOMENTS (not acts) and be free to express emotion about them, how they made you feel, how they made your body respond. Let him know that desire FOR HIM is still in you and yet he seems to have grown distant and hurried. At this point ask him what's changed. Don't point out how YOU think he's changed (yet), ask him what's different in your mutual lives that has resulted in this distance.

The whole point there is to get him to QUESTION while not going on the defensive. People on the defensive aren't eager to communicate, they're eager to get away or to turn the tables and put you on the defensive. No one likes to feel as though they're under scrutiny or are somehow failing in any way; it's a bitter pill to swallow.



Dear, I'd love to pretend I've given you a catch-all/cure all here, but I haven't. I'm simply sharing with you what I'd do in your shoes, what I'd go back and do in my own shoes if I could fly back across the years to various scenarios which I might have handled better.

In the end I HOPE you work this out; staying in an unsatisfying marriage is a dreadful thing. However, in the end you DO need to be prepared for things to go badly. I hope they don't, but never forget that they might.

Good luck.
You have too much time on your hands
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Old 02-01-2010, 06:28 AM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
5,077 posts, read 12,490,015 times
Reputation: 3705
Quote:
Originally Posted by robee70 View Post
As a woman, I disagree - It could lead to an even greater cycle of resentment and distance.

If he has satisfied you in the past, but now has gotten "lazy", then initiate it yourself. Do something sexy, unexpected. Tell him, show him what you want him to do to you and don't satisfy him until he has satisfied you first. It's worth a try. The easiest answer is to say get out.
Also as a woman, I have to agree. Especially if you still love your hubby but things have gotten stale. Try something new and unexpected. Try stepping out of your comfort zone and do something totally sexy like a little strip tease or something to really get his juices flowing so that he really wants you.
You are the one saying he's gotten boring but maybe you have too a little.
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Old 02-01-2010, 06:29 AM
 
Location: Sandpoint, Idaho
2,791 posts, read 4,934,132 times
Reputation: 2921
Quote:
Originally Posted by felicitev21 View Post
I am so lost, I don't know what to do. I have stopped wanting sex with my husband because he makes no effort to make sure that I am satisfied from it anymore. It's not that he is not capable of it, because he most certainly is. We have discussed this, and he still makes no effort. We both want sex, that is not the problem. But I have become so turned off from his lack of effort for my behalf that it really makes me sick to my stomach to think about "doing it" with him. Literally, I feel like I am being used for sex. I am a very sexual person, and it really hurts me, because I feel like he has taken this desire away from me. What do I do?
Have you ever spent an entire weekend pleasing him every which way, unselfishly?

Maybe if he were shown the unselfish path, he too might adopt a similar view toward love-making?

If instead, you are assuming he will pleasure you and he the same, then well, my guess that after some time, you will both become bored and disinterested.

S.
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