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Old 02-01-2010, 06:33 AM
 
Location: in the good ol' South
865 posts, read 2,065,371 times
Reputation: 870

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Urban Sasquatch View Post
Felicitev21, I would NOT follow this advice if I was you.

As a man who may not do it any more but WAS perfectly capable of being a jerk when younger, robee has told you correctly: This will only make things WORSE, not better.

The only time you ever need to be prepared to "teach someone a lesson" is when either A) it's very minor and you know they're the type to take a strong hint, or B) you no longer care at all and are ready to part ways.

This is because the human capacity for resentment and vengeful action is almost limitless, while the human capacity for reason is virtually non-existent.

I know in my first marriage my wife loved the sex; but the rest of her behaviour was an absolute turn-off for me. Still, I was young, in my early 20's, in fantastic shape, and my libido often got the best of me when it came to efforts to withhold sex.

Since I was growing to resent her as a person and couldn't simply "shut it off" and see her as a body in the bedroom, and especially since I began to catch her bad-mouthing me more and more outside the bedroom, I developed a very petty plan for very petty vengeance. Granted, this was in the final stages of our marriage -- but I'm telling you about it to illustrate the kind of thing that COULD happen.

KNOWING the one thing she'd never say no to was sex, knowing she often initiated it, I would do the following:

If SHE initiated sex, then I would reluctantly agree, making her really work for it, feigning as much disinterest as I could while goading her into pleasuring me, and when it came time to return the favor I'd just do whatever it took to get myself off as quickly as possible. Now spent, I'd purposely roll over and go to sleep. She might fuss, but so what?

If I wanted sex I'd coax and wheedle and plead, keep pushing, doing whatever it took to get her to agree, and then I'd do my very best to keep it BASIC (no techniques, nothing I knew would offer her any pleasure) and I'd make -- it -- LAST. And believe me, I could make it last.

Looking back on that now I despise what I did, know it for the nasty pettiness it was. However, in the ongoing war with her sex was pretty much my only weapon because by nature I'm NOT a nasty, mean, petty person who harps about others behind their back. As I said, by the time things reached that stage we were on our last legs and I felt like I was getting in my licks (so to speak, I assure you there were no licks of any sort).

The point is, YOUR problem is one which must be actively solved OR actively walked away from.

Whether you walk away or not is up to you, I don't know your back-story or situation and it's not my call to make.

However, if you're interested in fixing it:

First and foremost we HEAR about communication all the time. There is almost NOTHING worse for a frustrated person to hear than "Have you tried talking to him/her?"

The thing about communication is that when it comes to talking, when it comes to really getting a point through to someone, it requires a SERIOUS sit-down, nothing-else-going-on, nowhere-else-to-go, no-excuses talk, and to accomplish that takes some planning.

- Think in advance about a time when NEITHER of you has something going on. There can be no accomplishment if the opportunity presents itself for interruption. In fact, interruption will make things even MORE frustrating for the person trying to communicate. You've got to pick a time and place and MAKE the opportunity for NO excuse to get in the way; this thing has to be hammered out.

- When you sit down to talk, set some ground rules. Among these ground rules:
  • Please LISTEN to what I'm saying. When we're thinking about what we want to say next we're not really listening.
  • Please allow me to finish, from beginning to end, and then I'll do the same for you. It's nearly impossible to stay on track with a discussion when we allow it to degenerate into argument and finger-pointing.
  • Please bear in mind I'm opening this up for discussion, not accusation. We have a problem and I want to solve it rather than allow it to continue.
Anyway, IF he won't listen, then in a way you have your answer.

IF he sits down and you begin, even if it degenerates into argument, the topic is out there AND you've tried to be reasonable -- no disrespect meant when I say probably more reasonable than you might have been when you've mentioned it before. It's very, very difficult to restrain emotion when you're that frustrated, and nearly impossible by the time you've reached a stage where you begin to dread someone's touch.

Key points:

- Do NOT allow yourself to become angry at any point during the discussion. He will very possibly become angry himself.

- Do NOT allow the topic to deviate from what's at hand unless you feel like you're getting some answers as to what's going on (ie., he's feeling distant from you, he doesn't want to be married, he's doing something like what I described with myself, taking something out on you). It is WAY too easy to allow tangents to take us completely away from the problems we're trying to solve. Don't let sexual dissatisfaction turn into one of you never putting the orange juice back in the refrigerator.

When it comes to discussing sex with him don't ask what's wrong with HIM, and don't try to be meek by taking the submissive route and asking if there's something wrong with YOU.

Flat-out ask what's wrong with your sex life. If he says nothing, let him know you disagree. Don't be cold or harsh about it, but don't back down either. If he tries to turn that into a fight, pulls something defensive in a sour-grapes fashion (such as Fine, if I'm so lousy I just won't touch you anymore) STOP him right there. Let him know this is NOT what you want out of your relationship, otherwise you'd just say NO instead of trying to talk to him.

Let him know you're concerned rather than angry. Share the good along with the bad, remind him that once upon a time he DID do things to satisfy you. Describe those things, pick sexual MOMENTS (not acts) and be free to express emotion about them, how they made you feel, how they made your body respond. Let him know that desire FOR HIM is still in you and yet he seems to have grown distant and hurried. At this point ask him what's changed. Don't point out how YOU think he's changed (yet), ask him what's different in your mutual lives that has resulted in this distance.

The whole point there is to get him to QUESTION while not going on the defensive. People on the defensive aren't eager to communicate, they're eager to get away or to turn the tables and put you on the defensive. No one likes to feel as though they're under scrutiny or are somehow failing in any way; it's a bitter pill to swallow.



Dear, I'd love to pretend I've given you a catch-all/cure all here, but I haven't. I'm simply sharing with you what I'd do in your shoes, what I'd go back and do in my own shoes if I could fly back across the years to various scenarios which I might have handled better.

In the end I HOPE you work this out; staying in an unsatisfying marriage is a dreadful thing. However, in the end you DO need to be prepared for things to go badly. I hope they don't, but never forget that they might.

Good luck.
Best post yet! Excellent advice, Urban!
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Old 02-01-2010, 06:33 AM
 
Location: Corydon, IN
3,685 posts, read 4,124,394 times
Reputation: 7506
Quote:
Originally Posted by dave nz View Post
You have too much time on your hands

Rather, I'd suggest I just enjoy typing quickly rather more than you enjoy reading. Good to see you DO at least have the time to express your casual disapproval.
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Old 02-01-2010, 08:10 AM
 
Location: PA
66 posts, read 94,891 times
Reputation: 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by felicitev21 View Post
I am so lost, I don't know what to do. I have stopped wanting sex with my husband because he makes no effort to make sure that I am satisfied from it anymore. It's not that he is not capable of it, because he most certainly is. We have discussed this, and he still makes no effort. We both want sex, that is not the problem. But I have become so turned off from his lack of effort for my behalf that it really makes me sick to my stomach to think about "doing it" with him. Literally, I feel like I am being used for sex. I am a very sexual person, and it really hurts me, because I feel like he has taken this desire away from me. What do I do?
Ah, men. They are wonderful specimens but sometimes they can be set in their ways. Personally, I wouldn't withhold sex. You are doing the right thing by trying to talk about it. If it were me, I'd do everything he wanted one night then tell him the next nights mine. After that, if he didn't get the hint, I'd find something hot on the side, say like, Mr. Cat.......~l~

Seriously, you deserve to get what you need, too.
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Old 02-01-2010, 08:22 AM
 
9,845 posts, read 5,722,389 times
Reputation: 9748
Why would anyone want to have sex with a person who doesn't want to satisfy them?
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Old 02-01-2010, 10:50 AM
 
Location: Dallas, Texas
563 posts, read 1,488,277 times
Reputation: 412
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brave Stranger View Post
More going on here than lack of sex. No one is that tone deaf. He's sending you a message.
I agree. The sexual issue is just a symptom of a larger issue in your marriage. I would think seeing a counselor is in order.
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Old 02-01-2010, 11:02 AM
 
4,080 posts, read 4,368,368 times
Reputation: 5106
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweethearttx View Post
I agree. The sexual issue is just a symptom of a larger issue in your marriage. I would think seeing a counselor is in order.
Yup, he knows what he's doing, and he's doing it on PURPOSE. This is no accident. She needs to find out why. Sex is just the weapon he's picked to wage this war.
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Old 02-01-2010, 02:06 PM
 
272 posts, read 220,492 times
Reputation: 75
Would you feel bad if he started have sex with other women?
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Old 02-01-2010, 03:20 PM
 
31 posts, read 361,482 times
Reputation: 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by felicitev21 View Post
I am so lost, I don't know what to do. I have stopped wanting sex with my husband because he makes no effort to make sure that I am satisfied from it anymore. It's not that he is not capable of it, because he most certainly is. We have discussed this, and he still makes no effort. We both want sex, that is not the problem. But I have become so turned off from his lack of effort for my behalf that it really makes me sick to my stomach to think about "doing it" with him. Literally, I feel like I am being used for sex. I am a very sexual person, and it really hurts me, because I feel like he has taken this desire away from me. What do I do?
I think he has a girlfriend.
You might want to ask him this.
I pulled that with my wife when I had a mistress.
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Old 02-01-2010, 03:34 PM
 
9,845 posts, read 5,722,389 times
Reputation: 9748
Quote:
Originally Posted by mlmr11 View Post
I think he has a girlfriend.
You might want to ask him this.
I pulled that with my wife when I had a mistress.
How nice. Who are these people who think this is normal? This is sexual abuse and why would anyone tolerate it, even once? I can't imagine doing this to anyone, never have and never would. It is physically and emotionally abusive. Sex is for the satisfaction of both partners. Sorry but one would have to have very low self esteem or psychological problems to tolerate this.
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Old 02-01-2010, 03:54 PM
 
2,549 posts, read 2,329,749 times
Reputation: 898
Default The Two S's

All we men ever wanted was sex and a sandwich but we got so much more than bargained for. This may be a gross generalization but born out of the truth. The typical differing sex drives between the genders are just one of the many mysteries of life. Really. How does it ever work? Typically we want it more than she and she stops wanting it at some age (disappearing libido) while we end up D.R.O.M. (Dirty Rotten Old Men). Destined for failure? Crazy. From a typical man's point of view, once this realization is made, trophy brides, mid life crisis, the Peter Pan Syndrome and such make perfect sense. As does never marrying and never having children (for the record, I have done both but still consider myself a normal male).

Part of the work people reference when speaking of marrying, is keeping the fire lit. Staying reasonable fit. Keeping a healthy sense of fun. It's a simple formula but it ain't easy and both partners need to be on the same page or failure is probably imminent.
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