I don't want sex with my husband...what to do (movies, guy)

[yellowsnow]

So he's more or less told you that your needs are not important. At least not important enough to be satisfied. That speaks volumes. The only thing that matters is his wants and needs.

It's not likely it will improve over time. Personally, I would discuss it with him and lay my cards out on the table. If it doesn't improve by X time, that's it. Done and done. Be fair and tell him flat out what you need, want and expect. Encourage him to do the same.

Best of luck and remember, you are just getting older. I hope you don't find a way to rationalize and accept this. It's an awful way to live. I know. I've done it.

[itshim]

Originally Posted by felicitev21

I am so lost, I don't know what to do. I have stopped wanting sex with my husband because he makes no effort to make sure that I am satisfied from it anymore. It's not that he is not capable of it, because he most certainly is. We have discussed this, and he still makes no effort. We both want sex, that is not the problem. But I have become so turned off from his lack of effort for my behalf that it really makes me sick to my stomach to think about "doing it" with him. Literally, I feel like I am being used for sex. I am a very sexual person, and it really hurts me, because I feel like he has taken this desire away from me. What do I do?

see a professional. A 3rd party will probably be able to get the message across better then you will on your own

[sun queen]

I would stop his fun, if he were that indifferent to mine. Cut him off for a while and see if that changes his attitude. Good luck.

[seeniorita]

Originally Posted by Coolhand68

Felicite, you are one of many millions of sexually frustrated housewives. When did things start to go downhill? After he was laid off or before? Is he a good husband outside of the bedroom and appreciate you in other ways? There could be any number of reasons he's not putting forth the effort...the lay off, boredom with the same partner/routine after all these years (how long have you been together?), perhaps he's undulging in too much porn?

If you can get to the root of the problem you can figure out where to go from there. I wouldn't hold out on him, that will only make him bitter and resentful and not want to try any harder.

Perhaps you guys can start stepping out of your "routine" and introduce something new to your sex lives...toys, porn, role playing etc. to spice things up.

In most cases I think men just get tired of eating hamburger (or steak) every day and like anything else, sex with the same partner can become routine. You know what it's like when you buy a brand new car, and it's fun to drive and you pamper it for the first few weeks or months, but then after the newness wears off, you start to drive it a little harder, you don't wash it as often, and let the oil changes go for just a few more miles. You still like the car, still need it, but it doesn't give you the same "charge" any longer. Sometimes a fresh paintjob or overhaul might breath life back into your excitement over that car. Have you considered doing some overhauling of yourself...new hairstyle, sexy underwear, beauty make-over etc? Maybe that will spark his interest?

Ahhhhh......new car smell! Great analogy!

[stan4]

Originally Posted by Urban Sasquatch

If you can make a remark like that, allegedly being an MD and therefore supposedly being aware of the cumulative effects of stress, without even taking the possibility into consideration, then you are sore proof that half the practicing physicians out there were in the lower fifty percent of their graduating class!

That, in a nutshell, is what is wrong with the world today. People think their personal drama entitles them to treat other people like crap.

If I brought my personal drama to work, where would my patients be?

If I took a bad work day home with me and treated my family poorly, what kind of a spouse/parent would I be?

This woman didn't say that her husband couldn't perform. She said that he had sex with her without a thought towards her pleasure. She said she repeatedly entreated him to be sensitive to her needs, but he ignored her. I cannot conceive of any excuse for this behavior, job or no job.

You are sore proof that people who can type don't necessarily possess the reading comprehension skills to participate in this forum.

[Urban Sasquatch]

Originally Posted by stan4

That, in a nutshell, is what is wrong with the world today. People think their personal drama entitles them to treat other people like crap.

If I brought my personal drama to work, where would my patients be?

If I took a bad work day home with me and treated my family poorly, what kind of a spouse/parent would I be?

This woman didn't say that her husband couldn't perform. She said that he had sex with her without a thought towards her pleasure. She said she repeatedly entreated him to be sensitive to her needs, but he ignored her. I cannot conceive of any excuse for this behavior, job or no job.

You are sore proof that people who can type don't necessarily possess the reading comprehension skills to participate in this forum.

Inability to perform comes in many guises, oh God Complex; it can manifest as impotence (clearly not the case here), it can manifest as indifference toward someone to whom one holds some degree of accountability such as job, team or even (heaven forbid) lover, it can manifest as distance from one's responsibilities. NONE of these are good, ALL of them indicate an inability to cope when some form of stress is the root. Stress doesn't ONLY manifest externally as impotence.

The woman said her husband failed to show concern for her sexual satisfaction -- a problem I already tried to address with her. THEN she comes back later and admits they already have been together for a long time, have three children together, and ultimately adds almost passingly that husband lost his job some number of months ago.

It's all well and good to spout imperiously about personal accountability, which IS indeed what's wrong with the world today -- in no way have I suggested otherwise, even remotely.

It's quite another thing to blatantly disregard THE FACTS and just label this guy a whining loser since clearly the bottom line is that he simply doesn't care.

Prescribe a pill and get 'em the hell out of there -- NEXT! Treat the symptom, IGNORE any possibility of disease.

I dare say my comprehensive abilities may not be the questionable ones, "doc".

[felicitev21]

"The woman said her husband failed to show concern for her sexual satisfaction -- a problem I already tried to address with her. THEN she comes back later and admits they already have been together for a long time, have three children together, and ultimately adds almost passingly that husband lost his job some number of months ago."


It's interesting how you say this, I can see how one could come to the conclusion that stress could be a cause for his actions. I mean I'm not denying the fact that he's stressed. But we haven't been married for even five years. And he only lost his job like a month ago. This whole sex problem has been going on for about 6 months. If he were even tired of me, or of having sex with me, would he even try to in the first place? I wouldn't, but everyone is different. I feel like if I tried anything to "spice things up" it would just be a waste of time. But I guess it's worth an attempt. Ugh, I don't even know anymore.

[Urban Sasquatch]

Originally Posted by felicitev21

"The woman said her husband failed to show concern for her sexual satisfaction -- a problem I already tried to address with her. THEN she comes back later and admits they already have been together for a long time, have three children together, and ultimately adds almost passingly that husband lost his job some number of months ago."


It's interesting how you say this, I can see how one could come to the conclusion that stress could be a cause for his actions. I mean I'm not denying the fact that he's stressed. But we haven't been married for even five years. And he only lost his job like a month ago. This whole sex problem has been going on for about 6 months. If he were even tired of me, or of having sex with me, would he even try to in the first place? I wouldn't, but everyone is different. I feel like if I tried anything to "spice things up" it would just be a waste of time. But I guess it's worth an attempt. Ugh, I don't even know anymore.

It's simply more information to go on, felicitev21. It nearly removes the prospect of it being stress-induced, the one reservation there being if he was REALLY worried about it prior to his being laid off actually happening. I'd sincerely doubt that, so for any evaluation I'd give I'd NOW strike it off the list. Data is important. Stress IS a huge demotivator for men and women DO tend to be dismissive of it when male performance flags; still, while you may not want to dismiss it entirely, given the additional data the math doesn't quite add up. As for my stating him being laid off and the apparent timeline involved, my assumptive mistake. I knew the problem existed for some months and when you said he was laid off and has been at home, I drew a time correlation rather than just a symptomatic one.

Three children in less than five years? Certainly not impossible or even improbable, but apparently you two were plenty busy prior to this.

Your question is valid: If he was merely tired of you, or of having sex with you, why would he try in the first place? It doesn't make sense.

Nor, necessarily, does it coincide with the mistress theory. That one's a tough call because when it's just sex with someone else, a common reaction is to push for sex at home in an effort to assuage guilt, which often makes for more attentive sex rather than less. When sex with the other person develops an emotional basis it switches and most often results in less sex at home, and the existing sex is highly inattentive, virtually never initiated by the guilty party.

If he's still initiating but NOT interested in making sure you're pleased as well, then something is up -- but "something" could still mean almost anything, OTHER than to suggest it's just a passing phase or a personality quirk (since that would have showed up prior).

At this point I've got nothing to offer you other than what I stated in my first post, the long one about setting rules with regard to sitting down and really talking -- because even if he refuses to talk, or the talk goes badly, you've still got an answer of sorts. But just walking into the confrontation with the attitude (not saying you would or that you've thought this, but it's certainly been advised by many in this thread) that he's a worthless scumbag who deserves nothing except to be kicked to the curb would be a BAD thing unless you're not the least interested in saving the marriage.

[stan4]

Originally Posted by Urban Sasquatch

Inability to perform comes in many guises,
Prescribe a pill and get 'em the hell out of there -- NEXT! Treat the symptom, IGNORE any possibility of disease.

I dare say my comprehensive abilities may not be the questionable ones, "doc".

Yeah, I am not really concerned about what you think about my medical competence or background. I have enough affirmations in that category.

I am afraid, however, that you are representing that stress is an excuse for denegrating or sexually abusing your spouse.
I gave you the benefit of the doubt that you didn't understand the post...but now it seems that the 'blue ball' wall is more important to you...defending men's inability to be intimate and caring instead of actually admitting that this guy could be the problem.

HI-larious.

[brokencrayola]

Did something happen six months ago that you think might have brought this on? Has he ever given you a straight answer as to why things have changed in this regard. Him saying he might do better if he had more sex is ridiculous. He is being selfish and endangering your marriage by doing this. Personally I think I would wait him out. If he is going to act like a child, treat him like one. I'd tell him this is not acceptable to you, and you will not be having sex with him until he decides to change his ways. I'd say, let me know when you are ready to be a part of "our" sexual relationship. Then just cool your heels and act like going without doesn't matter to you. Good luck!