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No offence, but it's a bit too needy and clingy for my liking. If that was me in your shoes, I'd give her one phone call - at push perhaps I'd send a text as well. But that is it.
I agree.
I think after being flooded with calls, texts, and emails, I'd be seeing warning signs, and I think we might be having a conversation soon which would start with "we need to talk".
I dated a girl once who wanted me to move in after 2 weeks. She used to phone me if i was driving long distances to see if I was ok.
Basically, it was nice, but it was overbearing, almost smothering.
We had "the talk" after only a half dozen dates.
Yes, it's nice that you care, but after only 5 dates, methinks you might care "too much".
If he says he's busy, then just accept that ?
If he's lying, then he wasn't for you anyway.
I think maybe you should try not to take things so personally, and try to stay more detached.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BriInNH
You have been on a few dates, that is all. When you begin a relationship, the worry part begins. The texting and calling during the work day begins. Otherwise you sound way overbearing in this case. I would definitly ignore your texts (no offense) and eventually tell you that you are overbearing after the phone call and email. I guess he forgot to or neglected to tell you, which isn't right, but then again YOU ARE ONLY PAST A FEW DATES..
sweetheart, hate to say this..... but, needy much? Is the message you are sending........
I completely agree. You need to calm down, back off a bit and allow people breathing room. Just because someone veers off a seemingly "normal" routine, doesn't mean it's the end of the world. People have lives, they get busy. This is not what I'd consider a serious relationship and therefore, you can't expect all the attention you are requiring.
If I were a guy, I wouldn't want to be with someone like you because you are clingy and that would drive me nuts and make me want to be far away from you.
Ok, I'll admit that I'm a paranoid person, but if I've been having regular contact with someone I'm dating and then I don't hear from them for a few days and they fail to respond to my communication attempts, I start to get really worried and think that something bad has happened to them. I'll check the local news to make sure they're not on it and will generally not be able to rest at all until I know they're ok. But it almost always turns out that the guy is just FLAKING. Am I the only one who does this??
Case in point, I'd been dating a guy for a couple of weeks- we'd been on like five dates. He had even brought me flowers on our last date- everything seemed cool. This is a guy who usually texts me every day without me texting him first. So anyways, the following night after the last date, I send him a text since he hadn't texted me, and he doesn't text back. I'm like, "Ok fine, maybe he's busy." Then, 24 more hours pass and I've heard nothing from him, which is unusual based on his behavior up until that point. So I send another text and I get nothing...
Ok, so at this point, I'm thinking maybe he's having phone issues, so I send him a short e-mail like an hour later saying that I'm just checking to make sure everything's ok. Then after about a half hour, I figure I'll just try giving him a call. So I get his voicemail and leave him a short message saying that I was a little worried about him since I hadn't heard from him in two days. Keep in mind that I pretty much NEVER call or e-mail this guy, so it's only gotten to this point because I'm genuinely concerned about him.
So a couple minutes after I leave the voicemail, he sends me a text message telling me that he's really busy with work, he needs space to think, and he'll call me later in the week. WTF? It only takes a second to send a text message saying "hello" or "Everything's fine, I'm just working", but he instead chose to ignore the two text messages I sent. He's never had a problem texting me in the past and had he responded to the first message I sent, I wouldn't have made subsequent efforts to check on him. So now I feel like an idiot for wasting my time worrying about a person who has decided for whatever reason that he no longer has time for me. Like I said, since he's been texting me EVERY DAY for the past few weeks, I felt it was out of character for him to just not make contact for two days or even respond to my texts so that's why I was worried about him, but in the future maybe I will just continue to think that they're lying stiff and cold somewhere and stop caring.
Maybe you should stop sounding a little bit DESPERATE because that's how you probably sound to them and they will come to you on their own
You have been on a few dates, that is all. When you begin a relationship, the worry part begins. The texting and calling during the work day begins. Otherwise you sound way overbearing in this case. I would definitly ignore your texts (no offense) and eventually tell you that you are overbearing after the phone call and email.
So it's not needy and overbearing for him to send me several texts everyday, but if I call/e-mail him once to check on him, that's when it becomes overbearing? Like I said before, the texts I sent weren't even "checking up on him" texts, but they were just normal things that we usually send each other every day. And the text messages were sent on two different days. It was just when I didn't get a response to either of them (which has never happened before) and hadn't heard from him at all in two days, I left a voicemail and e-mailed him because I thought his phone might not be working. But ok, I get that some of you think it was too much, but what's done is done and clearly he was ignoring me after the first text anyway, so my subsequent communications aren't what caused him to get flaky.
I read this book called, "Why men love b*tches", and some of the things everyone is talking about is outlined in there (probably similar to the Rules). Here's the thing: even if a man contacts you all the time (like texting you several times a day etc), esp. when the relationship is new, you should limit your phone calls/texting/emails to just a quick 1 sentence or 15 sec. response. Then get on with your life.
What happens is that guys (at 1st) like all the attention, the excitement, but then quickly (and I mean VERY quickly) realize that you are ALWAYS there. And they don't need to put any more effort forth, b/c he knows, that at any given moment, he can call/text you, and you'll respond. There's no more chase, there's no more allure, there's no more mystery....he's got you hooked. And he knows it.
As soon as he knows that, he becomes disinterested, and pulls back. And even tho he may have been the one initiating all the contact, and you feel like you should be able to call him and say, "Hey, what gives?", the reality is, is that he has put you in a spot, where you felt you had all this connection with him, and now he's thinking, "Ah, I'll call her later, when I feel like it. She'll be there."
I have done EXACTLY the same thing as you, and had the same thing happen to me, and I thought, "Whoa, what happened? We were texting/talking like 3x/day, and now NOTHING?" Of course I didn't assume he was dead or anything (b/c that is unlikely), but I couldn't figure out why he could go from being so hot to so cold. After reading that book (which explains that better than I can), it made sense to me.
Men like the chase, they like the hunt, they like to feel like they have a prize. But once you're "caught", where's the mystery in that? Sure, some men are more mature, and don't play games like that. But it's not necessarily a game that they are cognitively playing, as much as an instinctual reaction to your perceived neediness.
In any case, with this guy, I'm sorry, but he's just not that into you. And with the next one, keep him at arm's length until you've finally got him where you want him. And if you don't want him, it will be that much easier to let him go. Good luck!
Ok, I'll admit that I'm a paranoid person, but if I've been having regular contact with someone I'm dating and then I don't hear from them for a few days and they fail to respond to my communication attempts, I start to get really worried and think that something bad has happened to them. I'll check the local news to make sure they're not on it and will generally not be able to rest at all until I know they're ok. But it almost always turns out that the guy is just FLAKING. Am I the only one who does this??
Case in point, I'd been dating a guy for a couple of weeks- we'd been on like five dates. He had even brought me flowers on our last date- everything seemed cool. This is a guy who usually texts me every day without me texting him first. So anyways, the following night after the last date, I send him a text since he hadn't texted me, and he doesn't text back. I'm like, "Ok fine, maybe he's busy." Then, 24 more hours pass and I've heard nothing from him, which is unusual based on his behavior up until that point. So I send another text and I get nothing...
Ok, so at this point, I'm thinking maybe he's having phone issues, so I send him a short e-mail like an hour later saying that I'm just checking to make sure everything's ok. Then after about a half hour, I figure I'll just try giving him a call. So I get his voicemail and leave him a short message saying that I was a little worried about him since I hadn't heard from him in two days. Keep in mind that I pretty much NEVER call or e-mail this guy, so it's only gotten to this point because I'm genuinely concerned about him.
So a couple minutes after I leave the voicemail, he sends me a text message telling me that he's really busy with work, he needs space to think, and he'll call me later in the week. WTF? It only takes a second to send a text message saying "hello" or "Everything's fine, I'm just working", but he instead chose to ignore the two text messages I sent. He's never had a problem texting me in the past and had he responded to the first message I sent, I wouldn't have made subsequent efforts to check on him. So now I feel like an idiot for wasting my time worrying about a person who has decided for whatever reason that he no longer has time for me. Like I said, since he's been texting me EVERY DAY for the past few weeks, I felt it was out of character for him to just not make contact for two days or even respond to my texts so that's why I was worried about him, but in the future maybe I will just continue to think that they're lying stiff and cold somewhere and stop caring.
What happens is that guys (at 1st) like all the attention, the excitement, but then quickly (and I mean VERY quickly) realize that you are ALWAYS there. And they don't need to put any more effort forth, b/c he knows, that at any given moment, he can call/text you, and you'll respond. There's no more chase, there's no more allure, there's no more mystery....he's got you hooked. And he knows it.
As soon as he knows that, he becomes disinterested, and pulls back. And even tho he may have been the one initiating all the contact, and you feel like you should be able to call him and say, "Hey, what gives?", the reality is, is that he has put you in a spot, where you felt you had all this connection with him, and now he's thinking, "Ah, I'll call her later, when I feel like it. She'll be there."
Oh yeah, I totally get that. I just feel like if a person is going to get bored with me, I have no control over that. If I were to try to act cool and uninterested and he still flakes, then I would have thought, "Oh, maybe I should've shown more interest", so I'd just rather be true to myself and do what's in my heart to do. I feel like the right guy for me would appreciate me and accept me for who I am- paranoia and all.
Oh yeah, I totally get that. I just feel like if a person is going to get bored with me, I have no control over that. If I were to try to act cool and uninterested and he still flakes, then I would have thought, "Oh, maybe I should've shown more interest", so I'd just rather be true to myself and do what's in my heart to do. I feel like the right guy for me would appreciate me and accept me for who I am- paranoia and all.
That is true to a point. One would hope that the man of your dreams would accept you, as you are. However, my point is this - you may not ever get to that point, where he will accept you as you are, b/c he may run away as soon as you start looking "too interested". You may meet a guy who would really be a good match for you, but if you make yourself so completely available, like exclusive bf/gf material (in his head, mind you), he may get overwhelmed by it and back off, even if he really likes you.
All I'm saying is it's best to keep some distance early on, even if it looks like he wants more closeness. Let him get to know you bit by bit. Think of yourself as a candy store. Give him one gumdrop at a time. Don't open up the store and say, "Hey, it's here whenever you want it. Come get what you need..." He'll load up on all the jelly bellies he can find, and then scram. You give him one gum drop at a time, he'll keep coming back, thinking, "Damn, where is she hiding those jelly bellies????" Never mind that big ol' licorice whip you're saving for later......
That is true to a point. One would hope that the man of your dreams would accept you, as you are. However, my point is this - you may not ever get to that point, where he will accept you as you are, b/c he may run away as soon as you start looking "too interested". You may meet a guy who would really be a good match for you, but if you make yourself so completely available, like exclusive bf/gf material (in his head, mind you), he may get overwhelmed by it and back off, even if he really likes you.
All I'm saying is it's best to keep some distance early on, even if it looks like he wants more closeness. Let him get to know you bit by bit. Think of yourself as a candy store. Give him one gumdrop at a time. Don't open up the store and say, "Hey, it's here whenever you want it. Come get what you need..." He'll load up on all the jelly bellies he can find, and then scram. You give him one gum drop at a time, he'll keep coming back, thinking, "Damn, where is she hiding those jelly bellies????" Never mind that big ol' licorice whip you're saving for later......
I know we men are supposed to be dogs or whatever derogatory words women have for us these days, but what you are saying it's quite offensive tbh. If a woman treated me like that and had that mindset, I'd leave her asap. Either she wants me or she doesn't want me. None of that "tease me a little and play a little hard to get" nonsense.
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Am I the only one who does this??
