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Old 02-04-2010, 11:10 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
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What do you mean when you say, "However I am experiencing the same issues that I have with past women Ive dated."?

 
Old 02-04-2010, 11:11 AM
 
Location: Michaux State Forest
1,275 posts, read 3,403,864 times
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I fear this is a no win type of senario, if you comment on their (imo) co-dependent relationship then she's going to think you are being jealous or petty. For what it's worth, I think you have every right to question this situation, it does not seem like he is over her and he's trying to sabotage her future relationships. It's just sad that she can't see this. I think you may have to end this for your own well-being and sanity.
 
Old 02-04-2010, 11:18 AM
 
3,059 posts, read 8,251,368 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilred0005 View Post
I fear this is a no win type of senario, if you comment on their (imo) co-dependent relationship ...
I agree with lilred - that is the 'psychology' I was referring to as well - somehow, this odd relationship between the two of them works for her . . . the pictures of him everywhere is also indicative that she is still roped into him emotionally.
 
Old 02-04-2010, 11:22 AM
 
Location: Amarillo, Tx
622 posts, read 1,276,652 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by STT Resident View Post
What do you mean when you say, "However I am experiencing the same issues that I have with past women Ive dated."?

Well I have dated other women with children. And one of the main issues was their ex husband interfering in our business. Actually the current ex isnt as bad as most. He isnt crazy. I have been in a fist fight before because of an ex acting aggressive. Its a constant problem.
 
Old 02-04-2010, 11:23 AM
 
Location: Amarillo, Tx
622 posts, read 1,276,652 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshineleith View Post
I agree with lilred - that is the 'psychology' I was referring to as well - somehow, this odd relationship between the two of them works for her . . . the pictures of him everywhere is also indicative that she is still roped into him emotionally.

She said the pictures are coming down this weekend. But I have a feeling that if I say nothing they will remain up.
 
Old 02-04-2010, 11:37 AM
 
19,399 posts, read 12,043,004 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ameribull View Post
Yeah I think you may be right. She is an awesome woman. And I truely feel that she cares for me dearly. And I totally trust her in the fidelity sense. I think that she jusr believes that their relationship is normal and that she doesnt see the problem. When I say anything about it she acts shocked and acts like its no big deal. But if my ex calls too much then its an issue. She cant stand the fact that me and my ex get along and that I joked with her on the phone once. Fine. But she doesnt see that I deal with it in a much more severe way than she has to.
Maybe she's not so wonderful after all. She seems to be lacking in the empathy department.
See the post on narcissists. They aren't always mean and can be really nice but they have their own set of rules and don't understand others normal reactions. How weird that she can have this whole codependent thing going on with her ex, be shocked that you aren't down with it and then be upset that you joke with your ex on the phone.
 
Old 02-04-2010, 11:47 AM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
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Welcome to most mixed families who have children and ex spouses. I can assure you that you are not alone in how you feel. I'm a divorced woman, I have two kids. I have been divorced since they were 2 and 4; they are now adults.

For the entire time I was single, I never dated men with kids. My thinking was simple, I know my relationship with my ex and I have total control over it but, I can't have that kind of control over my partners ex and so, I didn't want any possible drama. Sure, I may have missed out on some good men but I don't miss this (what you described). As it was, I had two kids and an ex hubby to deal with. That was enough for me and I am selfish enough to not want to deal with other peoples drama so I just only dated single men with no kids. I never let my kids meet them with the rare exception that something actually turned serious (twice).

Now, for the past five years here again, I'm involved with a single male, never married and no kids. It's been enough for me to hear HIM complain about my ex and the big waste of skin he is. It's been enough for him to complain how I essentially don't parent "the way his parents did" and it's often brought me to want to end the relationship. Nevermind that my ex is not involved at all, and rarely was in the beginning, the kids are both well behaved, and both self supporting (although my son is in college) and sometimes I think to myself, maybe it would have been easier to get involved with another parent because at least then, they can relate.

My moral is this, you may think all of the things you've stated and you may feel however you feel but I can guarantee you that the grass is not greener on the other side. I've made my relationship work but it can be very difficult living with a non-parent vs a parent.

If you know your g/f has no love for this ex of hers, then just let things be. The ONLY thing I'd complain about is her giving HIM money and that would be it for me. You need to voice your concerns and she needs to grow a set and tell her ex a few things too.
Good luck.
 
Old 02-04-2010, 11:56 AM
 
Location: Amarillo, Tx
622 posts, read 1,276,652 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamajane View Post
Maybe she's not so wonderful after all. She seems to be lacking in the empathy department.
See the post on narcissists. They aren't always mean and can be really nice but they have their own set of rules and don't understand others normal reactions. How weird that she can have this whole codependent thing going on with her ex, be shocked that you aren't down with it and then be upset that you joke with your ex on the phone.
Yeah there seems to be a fairness issue. He thinking is that its all about the kids. As in he only does these things becuase of the kids. I disagree. He has them for three days and then drops by to see them the next night? Thats a boundary issue in my opinion. He also used to tell the kids that its only a matter of time before I start abusing them and bossing them. And that the only reason Im nice to them is because I wanted her. etc... stupid stuff.
 
Old 02-04-2010, 12:20 PM
 
Location: Amarillo, Tx
622 posts, read 1,276,652 times
Reputation: 694
Quote:
Originally Posted by andreaspercheron View Post
Welcome to most mixed families who have children and ex spouses. I can assure you that you are not alone in how you feel. I'm a divorced woman, I have two kids. I have been divorced since they were 2 and 4; they are now adults.

For the entire time I was single, I never dated men with kids. My thinking was simple, I know my relationship with my ex and I have total control over it but, I can't have that kind of control over my partners ex and so, I didn't want any possible drama. Sure, I may have missed out on some good men but I don't miss this (what you described). As it was, I had two kids and an ex hubby to deal with. That was enough for me and I am selfish enough to not want to deal with other peoples drama so I just only dated single men with no kids. I never let my kids meet them with the rare exception that something actually turned serious (twice).

Now, for the past five years here again, I'm involved with a single male, never married and no kids. It's been enough for me to hear HIM complain about my ex and the big waste of skin he is. It's been enough for him to complain how I essentially don't parent "the way his parents did" and it's often brought me to want to end the relationship. Nevermind that my ex is not involved at all, and rarely was in the beginning, the kids are both well behaved, and both self supporting (although my son is in college) and sometimes I think to myself, maybe it would have been easier to get involved with another parent because at least then, they can relate.

My moral is this, you may think all of the things you've stated and you may feel however you feel but I can guarantee you that the grass is not greener on the other side. I've made my relationship work but it can be very difficult living with a non-parent vs a parent.

If you know your g/f has no love for this ex of hers, then just let things be. The ONLY thing I'd complain about is her giving HIM money and that would be it for me. You need to voice your concerns and she needs to grow a set and tell her ex a few things too.
Good luck.
Thank you for the response. I would actually love it if he were not involved at all. I would have no problem dating a woman with kids if the ex was gone or deceased. I love the kids. But Im glad they have him for their sake.

And I know what you mean by the grass isnt greener. Thats true. But I wish I could find a woman that had a normal healthy relationship with her ex. Like he was friendly and everyone got along. Since he met me in person he has gotten a little better because hes a coward and hes intimidated. But I just found out that she was arguing with him last night over the phone. I didnt ask what about. But it gets old listening to your SO/Wife arguing with an ex.
 
Old 02-25-2010, 07:19 AM
 
1 posts, read 2,078 times
Reputation: 13
Ameribull,
No disrespect, but you are her boyfriend and not her husband. I know you may feel like what she is doing is wrong however as her boyfriend you really don't have much to say. Marry her make it official, these little interactions he's trying to amplify are just tactics to get under your skin. I'm pretty sure before she started dating things were different, ask her. But ultimately if you love this woman, if you want to keep this woman, and if you want to stop the madness, then marry her. THEN you and her can set the rules on how things should be handled with the ex. I think she cares for you and you obviously care for her.
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