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Old 02-07-2010, 01:49 AM
 
Location: NorCal
47 posts, read 77,478 times
Reputation: 68

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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweethearttx View Post
I'm going to guess you are a man. Therefore you probably can't relate to what us women feel as we age, and watch you men go after the women a decade younger. But regardless, I do thank you for your comments!
Men started going after me at about 13, and they still do at 42. I know two women in their 50's, one divorced, one widowed, and both met amazing men that they are in good relationships with now. I think guys are more attracted to your personality when you're older, looks when you're younger... but then I feel the same way, I used to base my choices more on looks, now it's personality. I guess I've actually matured.

I think she just meant you don't have to panic, you're not even 30! I waited until 32 to marry and it still didn't work out, but the older you are, the better chance of staying together, at least as far as marriage goes.

In general I don't use lists for screening people, but yours is totally reasonable. I think you just need time and patience and to have fun, and someone will come along that makes you forget about 'settling'.
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Old 02-07-2010, 04:17 AM
 
164 posts, read 319,676 times
Reputation: 129
Why are you looking for a boyfriend? I think you should learn to be happy with yourself and should stop putting men and relationships on a pedestal ("But women do have a shelf life...there is a reason you see men in their 30's and 40's dating women in their 20's" says it all) Many men in their 30's and 40's are not a good catch themselves (losing sense of humor, boring, not taking care of their looks but arrogant because of woman like you) opposed to many woman who are independent, experienced and look after themselves and dating younger men more often now because of the problem with men I have described above. You are still young, have fun girl!!! You only live once!
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Old 02-07-2010, 07:21 AM
 
Location: Nassau, Long Island, NY
15,855 posts, read 17,195,945 times
Reputation: 6523
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweethearttx View Post
I think if you DON'T have a list you have an issue. And no, not desperate. If I were desperate I would be in a relationship with one of those men that wants to date me. I'm just a little lonely and a bit freaked out as I approach 30.
You are not even 30, yet you were married for 9 years. And you said you broke up with the "second person you had fallen in love with" a year ago.

You do not know what it is to be alone compared to many other women out there who have been dating unsuccessfully for years. Your track record is not one of complete loneliness, yet you are acting like you have no hope in this world of EVER finding anyone.

Just be more patient. You do not have an "unreasonable list." You will find someone else you click with soon enough. Right now you are going through a spell of meeting people you do not click with. That happens to everyone.

As for the "women have a shelf life" ... I would recommend freezing your eggs if you are worried about fertility in the future.

Now relax! Go on dates and look at it not as work, not as something scary, but just as you are getting to meet a new person and find out about him. That's what I did when I was ready to start dating after my first husband passed away too young. I just tried not to have any expectations beyond a nice friendly evening. Now I am married again to the second love of my life. Don't worry so much. Stop "wailing and knashing your teeth" over it. There is no reason you will not find someone else before long.
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Old 02-07-2010, 08:58 AM
 
Location: Jacksonville, FL (Northside)
2,908 posts, read 3,738,217 times
Reputation: 2706
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweethearttx View Post
If that's the case then why are so many men after me? I have my issues, I am not perfect. I don't pretend to be more than I am. I have had a rough past and I've been through a war and a divorce.

I find good men, sure. But something is always missing. Either we can't carry on a conversation or there is just no spark.

I am a good woman, a kind one, and I know how to love. You don't know anything about me and you don't have a right to judge. There is no reason for you to scoff at me because I have been told I am a great catch, even when I don't always believe that I am. That just proves I don't think more of myself than is actually true, and that I'm not conceited, and that I am a good person.
You have your standards, nothing wrong with that. Why should you have to lower your standards to find a man? Maybe if you stop looking, the RIGHT man will come along. You yourself said the reason you can't catch a man is because there's no interest there. So you would rather fake interest just to have someone to love? That's crazy to me. You need to learn how to be alone before you can even think about being happy with someone else. If you can't be happy single, how do you expect to be happy with someone else? This is a biggie so get ready...do you have a pleasantattitude? No man wants to deal with a woman with a negative disposition


Quote:
Originally Posted by Dorrans View Post
What sort of answer were you looking for? Sympathy? "Aw, you're a great catch. You'll find a real man out there. Don't settle for loser blah de blah". You have your girlfriends to feed you that crap.

Fact is there must be a reason those good men out there don't want you then. If you always find something wrong with the men you are dating then you are doing something wrong. Try a different settings, try different approaches, try something else. Anything. If you keep doing something wrong and keep getting the same results, then you need to try and change yourself a little, and see if you attract different types, but still good, men.

I don't know what kinda of advice you are actually looking for.
This dude is telling it like it is. What baffles me about sweethearttx is that she says she's a great catch, which I don't doubt that she is but then she lists all these faults. Let's be real, while most men appreciate a woman letting him know her issues, that's a big turnoff because it's like she doesn't know who she is and if her confidence game isn't on point, then no amount of love he shows her will change that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweethearttx View Post
That is exactly how I feel. I keep thinking I just need to accept that there is nobody out there for me. And I'm not in a hurry to get married and I'm not even sure if I want kids or not, I just want to share my life with a decent guy and let the cards fall where they may as far as kids go. But women do have a shelf life...there is a reason you see men in their 30's and 40's dating women in their 20's.
And that's the mindset keeping you from finding Mr. Right. First you say you want to find a man, then you say you aren't sure you want one. Which is it? Either you want to find a good man or you don't
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Old 02-07-2010, 09:09 AM
 
Location: Sunny Florida
6,635 posts, read 6,805,053 times
Reputation: 7767
Quote:
Originally Posted by I_Love_LI_but View Post
Now relax! Go on dates and look at it not as work, not as something scary, but just as you are getting to meet a new person and find out about him. That's what I did when I was ready to start dating after my first husband passed away too young. I just tried not to have any expectations beyond a nice friendly evening. Now I am married again to the second love of my life. Don't worry so much. Stop "wailing and knashing your teeth" over it. There is no reason you will not find someone else before long.
I so agree with this advice. In my own life, I found that once I started doing things I enjoyed, taking vacations I'd always wanted to take, improving myself, dating just for the fun of it, and quit looking for Mr. Right - he appeared. Met him at 30, married him at 31, kids at 33 and 35 and it's proven to be a glorious ride. Men can smell desperation and run from it. Enjoy your life and all kinds of quality people will line up to share the good times with you. In the process, you might just make some terrific friends and meet someone special. Best wishes.
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Old 02-07-2010, 09:37 AM
 
Location: Ft Lauderdale, FL
259 posts, read 512,133 times
Reputation: 223
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunnydee View Post
I so agree with this advice. In my own life, I found that once I started doing things I enjoyed, taking vacations I'd always wanted to take, improving myself, dating just for the fun of it, and quit looking for Mr. Right - he appeared. Met him at 30, married him at 31, kids at 33 and 35 and it's proven to be a glorious ride. Men can smell desperation and run from it. Enjoy your life and all kinds of quality people will line up to share the good times with you. In the process, you might just make some terrific friends and meet someone special. Best wishes.
This is not the norm. Oh, and by the way, the list is great. Don't change a thing!
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Old 02-07-2010, 09:38 AM
 
Location: Massachusetts
202 posts, read 243,333 times
Reputation: 451
Quote:
Originally Posted by spinx View Post
If you using any list - even the basic one in your OP - then you're being too picky. There is no man who will live up to your expectations in every way. Relationships are a give and take. If you want it, you will go for it when the time is right.

PS - you sound desperate. No offense.

My GOD! I think her "list" is pretty darn basic. What's next, she lowers it to include bums on the street who have pissed themselves??

I dont think it's wrong for people to know what they are looking for, folks. I mean if you have a laundry lists of things, like the person must like italian food, must like to shovel snow, must like mystery books, must be a bodybuilder, must be a model, must drive a certain type of car.....blah blah... well then I think that is being picky.

But to simply say I want someone I can talk to easily, who does not have some addiction, and shows me respect, etc.. like the OP said... Sheesh those are just basic things that any Tom, Dick, or Harry should want in a relationship. I dont think those simple expectations are high at all.

And the only way she will truly be desperate is if she listens to folks who tell her she should not look for anything in a man and just take whatever she can grab as long as it has a p#nis. Now THAT would be desperate.

Everyone should have some idea of what type of person they can or cant get along with. This only makes sense. I dont even make friends with or hang out with certain people if i dont think our persnalities will mesh. How many of you have people you call friends and hang out with all the time that you have nothing in common with, cant stand, and dont get along with them??

So, why date someone that you would have those issues with?? Better to know upfront what you can deal with, because relationships are hard enough without the added drama.
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Old 02-07-2010, 11:58 AM
 
Location: SW MO Aux Arcs
19,341 posts, read 16,734,302 times
Reputation: 17486
Quote:
Originally Posted by spinx View Post
Having a list = limiting yourself. Be my guest!
I disagree with a list being limiting unless it's so restrictive it's unrealistic or unachievable. A list provides a framework if it's realistic.

After I found myself divorced at 48 and decided to try a social life again at 50 I actually had two lists -- one for myself and one for a woman if a committed relationship was on the horizon.

For me I decided that if I ever remarried there were some:
1) things I'd never do again;
2) things I'd do very differently;
3) things I would never permit to be done to me again.

For the woman, she had to:
1) be long-term employed with her own retirement program/fund;
2) have no school-aged children at home;
3) be post-menopausal!

Mission accomplished on all points!
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Old 02-07-2010, 12:14 PM
 
Location: Kuwait City, Kuwait.
1,125 posts, read 1,250,290 times
Reputation: 1015
I have never done one of those infamous lists, but here we go:

- Must have a stable job, long term employment
- Must be financially secure
- Must be between the age 23 and 33.
- I don't like short women, so she has to be at least 5'7
- I am fit and strong, so I want a woman who is just like that. No fat slobs and no lazy women.
- She must like children and want children in the future
- She must not have children at the moment. No single mothers
- She must be caring, faithful, respectful and kind
- She must be able to have some sort of cooking skills. I don't need a chef, but a woman who can't cook is not for me at all

I don't actually demand those things, but just wanted to feel how it was to write a list.
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Old 02-07-2010, 02:24 PM
 
Location: Dallas, Texas
563 posts, read 1,041,123 times
Reputation: 394
I just want to say, in follow up to some posts, I think there is a big difference in being desperate and looking for another person to give you happiness...and simply wanting to find someone to share your life with. You can be perfectly content with yourself but still want someone. I find that a lot of people these days see this as a negative or a flaw. It's not. Humans were meant to be together. Just because I say I'm a bit lonely and want to find someone, doesn't automatically mean I'm an unhappy person or that I'm looking for someone to complete me as a person.
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