Why SHOULDN'T you tell a spouse they need to lose weight? (women, husband)

[BECLAZONE]

Originally Posted by Creativeguy504

I've been reading a lot of threads, and it seems that weight in a relationship is a common topic, just like cheating, sex, divorce, etc.

One thing that's struck me as odd: someone makes a thread, in which they're upset that a spouse has gained a lot of weight -- and many people tell that person NOT to tell their spouse. The implication is that the spouse "already knows" they've gained a lot of weight, and saying so will only be hurtful.

My question is: if you love someone, and you see that they've gained a lot of weight, shouldn't you say something because you love them? After all, being fat -- especially obese, can lead a to myriad of health problems. Furthermore, I disagree with the statements that they "already know" they're fat, or "don't want to be fat".

I live in Louisiana, ground zero for the obesity epidemic. As a rule, most people here are very heavy. Based on my experience, a lot of heavy people 1) think they're "normal", because they see everyone else is fat, and thus being fat becomes normal, and 2) even if they do think they're fat, don't really care to do anything about it.

If your spouse were on the opposite end of the spectrum (anorexic)...would you sit there and keep quiet as they lose more and more weight, exposing their ribs, having their hair fall out?

Or, If a spouse had a drinking or drug problem, would you keep quiet? Most people probably wouldn't. Then why in the case of a *weight* problem, do people advocate silence?

ETA: Obviously, the situation should be handled with compassion and sensitivity, and not spite or anything along those lines.

If you love them, of course you should tell them to lose weight.
If they get offended that is their problem.
Your intentions were honourable, they should know that.

[spyrals]

I don't think it's enough to just tell someone that they're getting bigger. That's just criticism and won't be taken very well at all. If anything, the bigger partner is only going to develop issues with their body and start thinking that their partner is not finding them attractive.
You should be more supportive than that and try and help them lose weight by cooking healthier, going to the gym with them, and helping them stay away from bad foods. I speak from experience: one of my boyfriends would just complain that I'm chubby (I wasn't even that chubby, maybe size 6 - but I'm short) and it just led me to an unhealthy body image, and the guy I'm currently with actually helps me diet when I do gain a bit of weight. It's all about how you do it.

[wanderlust76]

Physical attraction is extremely important if you let yourself go and start sucking down Big Mac's as soon as you get married that's not really fair to your spouse. It's a viable reason for leaving someone imo.

[Ameribull]

You should.

[11thHour]

Originally Posted by Onglet39

Nope, you are right. This is a reason why so many people end up in a dead, sexless marriage. Each partner has a personal duty to maintain their health and attractiveness to the best of their ability.

This should be in bold print at the top of every marriage certificate. It's Marriage 101, yet seems to be such a foreign concept to so many.

[11thHour]

Originally Posted by PJ8

Excellent suggestion, yankeegirl!

My sister tries to diet, and her husband sits in front of her every single evening and eats all kinds of crap like ice cream and munchies and candy bars. (He is not overweight, lucky dog!) It would be so helpful if he would encourage her and, if not try to eat healthfully along with her, to at least not eat all that crap in front of her. A caring partner should be willing to help the overweight partner change her or his lifestyle.

I disagree. He doesn't have a weight problem, she does. Why should he alter his lifestyle due to her problem? She's using it as an excuse.

[NMyTree]

Originally Posted by Antlered Chamataka

Or invent innovative ways of saying it......
"Oh, babe, I miss the times I used to hug you and make both hands meet"
"No way, I need to start working out more, I can't even lift you anymore, sweet like sugar"
"Pass me the chocolate, babe, I'd be better off packing it than you"
"Ok, let's go work out, it takes two to tango, mango"

Or take her to an automotive store. Casually make your way to the Car Jack aisle. Ask her to lean over a little and causally line up the car jacks under her ass and then say...

" Hmmm....yeah, I think they'll do. But better to wait till after the holidays to buy them. They'll be even more useful, then. "




Okay, lighten up. I kid...I kid

[fleetiebelle]

Originally Posted by 11thHour

I disagree. He doesn't have a weight problem, she does. Why should he alter his lifestyle due to her problem? She's using it as an excuse.

If your spouse was trying to quit drinking, you wouldn't be guzzling a 12-pack in front of them, either. It's the kind and loving thing to do.

[jasper12]

I think that it should be done less from a perspective of, you are fat and I am not attracted to you, and more from, I am concerned about your health, what can I do to help you start an exercise program? I was married to someone with high blood pressure, who was diabetic, and he continued to eat everything bad, drink alcohol, blow off checking his bllod sugar. Did I want to be married to someone who could end up on dialysis, blind, in a wheelchair, because he did not want to take the time to care about his health? In sickness and health, yes, but be with someone who is that selfish and thinks I will spend my life taking care of him because he was a lazy pig? No. He had a choice, and continues to eat his way into oblivion. He wanted to just watch tv every night, not even go for a walk after dinner. I would make broiled chicken, and salad for dinner, and he would go out and get three big macs and bring home a half gallon of ice cream. He had a choice. I could not stand it and left.

[saywha]

I have been with my husband for 5 years, married for 1 1/2(hahaha, I know, after the first year you stop counting halves!). Currently, Im on the heavier side of life. He has NEVER made me feel unattractive (he's graceful like that) I have never felt that he wasn't attracted to me. Im the type that talks about it with my hubby, the most he ever says "You know, I think you are so beautiful inside and out, and I love you very much......and I want to have you for many many years to come" I know that he supports me. And thats what I need him for. He's my husband, I have a doctor, and a mirror........JUST WHERE THE HECK IS THE WILLPOWER!!!! I must've left it in my closet!!!! So blessed to have him!!!