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Old 02-08-2010, 11:07 PM
 
Location: MTL/Toronto, Canada
85 posts, read 119,895 times
Reputation: 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by JamesGirl View Post
Alright, where to even start... After his nape he wanted to "explain". He said he has not looked at anything like that in 4 years and does not understand why it’s a big deal since he was just looking and not jerking off. I obviously think he is lying. I started to cry my eyes out and do what I always do when I can’t handle a situation and that’s clean like crazy, and he followed me around the house and talked a bunch of crap. Then he tells me that looking at porn is a problem he had before we got married and that he has prayed he could stop and had refrained from doing it for the last 4 years. Then he played victim and asked me to help him with his "addiction." Not sure how it’s an addiction since he claims to have not watched anything like that for 4 years. I got tired of the bull **** and was just getting more upset and feeling more hurt. I brought up that we hardly ever have sex and he tried to blame it on me saying that he wants it but I never want it when he does. He also admired to jerking off 3 times in the last 2 months which really means its 3 x some number. So he's actually jerking off more often then we are having sex. I think we have done it maybe 3 or 4 times since new years. He says he does it while I'm sleeping or working out. I don’t get it. I'm just so hurt and upset right now. He's sleeping in the guest room tonight and more then likely the next few nights. I don't even want him to touch me. Oh and he said he has no problem if I want to look at porn, yeah... right.... Oh and he says he only thinks of me when he masturbates, bull **** again. It's late so I'm going to try and get some sleep.
Yes, you need to calm down and get some sleep. Take pills if you have to. Never confront your SO with something this serious when you are in a very emotional state.

I am not defending him but stop thinking everything that comes out of his mouth is BS would be nice for a change. When you are ready to talk, try to focus on how to make arrangments so both of you can be satisfied in the bedroom. I'd work on the communication as well.

I understand it must be really hard for you to accept that but I doubt he'll never try to please himself again, especially he has a normal sex drive.

 
Old 02-08-2010, 11:13 PM
 
Location: southern california
48,790 posts, read 44,931,112 times
Reputation: 39688
guys are pathetic dont they understand that sex is something you deal with b4 the marriage not after.
 
Old 02-09-2010, 12:01 AM
 
Location: Lake Oswego, Oregon
1,907 posts, read 1,532,013 times
Reputation: 4772
He was probably watching "Booty Poppin" videos, which are more comedic than they are titillating. And if it's on Youtube, it's not "Porn". My friendgirls put those things on their bigscreens sometimes when we're having a Kaffee Klatsch, and we all end up on the floor, rolling around laughing. But I can see how the menfolk might appreciate the erotic component.

A man his age needs to (you can fill in this blank) at least once a day. (My dude is still a twice-a-day type...must be the bodybuilding...or maybe it's having an eager partner) So, unless you're keeping YOUR DH busy, he needs to be 'self-entertained', either with fantasies, or with visuals from somewhere. This is perfectly normal, and hardly a betrayal of trust (however, if he were looking at hardcore on your machine without permission, you would have every right to be furious). Assuming what he's watching is not illegal or too distasteful to you, if you get in on the act, you two can still be having a great time when you're past 40...as we are.

We don't watch porn, simply because we're huge snobs, and think it's tacky. Plus, we're at the gym every day, and spin fantasies, together, about various couples and singles we'd love to swing with (never gets old, and we've never felt the need to go beyond fantasy...too risky...to inconvenient...).

Personally, if I were you, I'd pull up a booty-poppin' video when he's around (it will be really, really funny to you), start laughing out loud, show him, let him tell you if he's turned on. If so....let him show you... Girlfriend, your love life with hubby can just keep getting better and better, if you go on thrilling adventures, together...
 
Old 02-09-2010, 12:15 AM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
4,775 posts, read 3,453,384 times
Reputation: 4567
Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ View Post
Please share!
I would tell ya but I'd like to hang around here a while longer...
 
Old 02-09-2010, 12:29 AM
 
11,001 posts, read 6,804,264 times
Reputation: 8235
Quote:
Originally Posted by JamesGirl View Post
Alright, where to even start... After his nape he wanted to "explain". He said he has not looked at anything like that in 4 years and does not understand why itís a big deal since he was just looking and not jerking off. I obviously think he is lying. I started to cry my eyes out and do what I always do when I canít handle a situation and thatís clean like crazy, and he followed me around the house and talked a bunch of crap. Then he tells me that looking at porn is a problem he had before we got married and that he has prayed he could stop and had refrained from doing it for the last 4 years. Then he played victim and asked me to help him with his "addiction." Not sure how itís an addiction since he claims to have not watched anything like that for 4 years. I got tired of the bull **** and was just getting more upset and feeling more hurt. I brought up that we hardly ever have sex and he tried to blame it on me saying that he wants it but I never want it when he does. He also admired to jerking off 3 times in the last 2 months which really means its 3 x some number. So he's actually jerking off more often then we are having sex. I think we have done it maybe 3 or 4 times since new years. He says he does it while I'm sleeping or working out. I donít get it. I'm just so hurt and upset right now. He's sleeping in the guest room tonight and more then likely the next few nights. I don't even want him to touch me. Oh and he said he has no problem if I want to look at porn, yeah... right.... Oh and he says he only thinks of me when he masturbates, bull **** again. It's late so I'm going to try and get some sleep.
Looking at porn, is the most normal thing in the world. I don't watch it cus it doesn't do much for me, but I have browsed it. Yet, to be upset that you husband is looking at porn is rocking the boat. You are putting unnecessary stress on the relationship and one of the two is going to walk out and leave the other. Just because he is jerking off without you, doesn't mean he doesn't love you. But that he only wants to have sex with you sporadically is a problem that needs to be solved. You are clearly very afraid that he doesn't enjoy having sex with you. And doesn't love you.

I say you do have a problem with that. But unfortunately, by avoiding the issue it will only get worse. If possible, try to negotiate with him. Its ridiculous that you have to, but yes, your man not being interested in sex with you, is worrisome. Perhaps you can let him look at porn with you by his side, and maybe you guys can be closer. It seems to me that he wants to keep you somehow innocent, like a little girl. Therefore, he won't touch you. But that's just my take on it. You guys do need some marriage counseling.
 
Old 02-09-2010, 12:34 AM
 
Location: Saudi Arabia
1,823 posts, read 1,002,300 times
Reputation: 744
First of all ..man is polygamous by nature ..scientifically proven ..even our holy scriptures testify it .. secondly theres nothing wrong with you ..neither him .. the only thing is that both of you arent enjoying the relationship the way u should ..how ? ..lemme explain ..when a man turns to other means of sexual gratification ..it simply means that he isnt enjoying sexual intimacy with u ..could be a possibility in psychological terms .. thirdly your panicky behaviour and spying would certainly have a negative impact in your relationship .. im not defending him as a man .. but if u ''Analyze this'' with a sound mind .. u can work this out without hurting yourself ..further try to remain calm and to distract him from these things ..behave like a pornstar ..dress like one .. get that makeover..no its not ridiculous ..lets put it this way .. he virtually enjoys watching half naked chics ..now what if he finds you in that same makeover for real ..this might work ..u should give it a try .. before getting into the act ..clear your conscience and doubts ..consult a professional therapist .. and then try my advice .. as a man ..i would seriously consider a panicky lady to be a pain back there .. so my advice to u ..stay calm and spice up your life !
 
Old 02-09-2010, 01:01 AM
 
1 posts, read 1,261 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by JamesGirl View Post
.... He also admired to jerking off 3 times in the last 2 months which really means its 3 x some number. So he's actually jerking off more often then we are having sex. ...
Big deal! So does every single married man on the planet. That's just the way it is.

You really need to calm down and the two of you need to talk to someone about this (not random stranges on the internet), there's obviously some far more serious issues going on...
How is his mood in general? Has he talked to a professional since returning from Iraq?

Last edited by Gunde; 02-09-2010 at 01:14 AM..
 
Old 02-09-2010, 01:34 AM
 
Location: New Zealand and Australia
7,037 posts, read 6,026,365 times
Reputation: 7042
Are they decent sites? if so PM me them.
 
Old 02-09-2010, 01:36 AM
 
Location: southern california
48,790 posts, read 44,931,112 times
Reputation: 39688
hubbies do not understand.
silly rabbit sex is for kids.
 
Old 02-09-2010, 03:48 AM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,574 posts, read 3,824,696 times
Reputation: 6094
I tried to warn you not to confront him when emotions were running high, but to wait until you were calm, and talk to him reasonably !
Hands up all those out here in the galleries who didn't see this confrontation developing like this ??

How much better could the situation have been, if you'd just sat him down one day, and calmly started talking to him.
"Hon, I've noticed recently you've not been yourself. Are you ok ? Are you worried about your health ? You see, I noticed on my computer that you'd been looking at videos on youtube, and we've not been so active recently. is there anything you want to talk about ?"

From what he did say to you in the heated exchange, personally, I suspect he's telling the truth.
I wouldn't take it as a porn "addiction" perhaps he's saying that because he thinks you are more likely to understand. I could be wrong.
I don't personally like porn, however, I still appreciate the female form. It doesn't mean I don't love my g/f.
I also know she still admires the male form.
Perhaps the difference here is that with us, it's all out in the open, there are no secrets, and we can talk openly about it, without issue.
My friends can send me saucy emails, or links to some video, and we can watch it together, and laugh about it !! The same applies the other way.

So, he's choked the chicken 3 times in 2 months ! Wow!
I'm sure there are people out there who'll do it 3 times in an hour !!
(I think there are a lot of w*nkers on this forum !)

And, whether you believe it or not, there's a very high chance he is thinking of you.
Have you never seen a hot scene on a movie, or TV, and it stirs something inside you, then it leads on to you remembering the last time you and your guy got it on ? Or "hey, that looks hot, I'd love to try that with (....)"
You may remember the last time you made love, you may remember how he took you in his arms , and held you tight, how you began to kiss.................
Because it started with you looking at someone else, doesn't mean it has to finish that way.

I'm sorry, but I haven't seen anything from you to change my mind about the fact it is you who has the problem.
You clearly have some trust issues, which, from your posts, would seem to be unjustified with this guy. He sounds like a perfectly normal man, at least insofar as his porn viewing.

IMHO, the correct approach in this case would be for you to try to understand his "problem", rather than condemn him for it.
Yes, there is also a duty of care on his part to work with you, and to try to understand that you do have a problem with it, however, you type like you don't believe a word he says, so, if he opens up, it might be futile.
If he does have a genuine addiction, then he has a duty to deal with that.
If he is depressed, then he has to take responsibility, and seek treatment.

I highly suspect that unless you can deal with these issues, I'm afraid you are going to be single before long.


Quote:
Originally Posted by JamesGirl View Post
Alright, where to even start... After his nape he wanted to "explain". He said he has not looked at anything like that in 4 years and does not understand why it’s a big deal since he was just looking and not jerking off. I obviously think he is lying. I started to cry my eyes out and do what I always do when I can’t handle a situation and that’s clean like crazy, and he followed me around the house and talked a bunch of crap. Then he tells me that looking at porn is a problem he had before we got married and that he has prayed he could stop and had refrained from doing it for the last 4 years. Then he played victim and asked me to help him with his "addiction." Not sure how it’s an addiction since he claims to have not watched anything like that for 4 years. I got tired of the bull **** and was just getting more upset and feeling more hurt. I brought up that we hardly ever have sex and he tried to blame it on me saying that he wants it but I never want it when he does. He also admired to jerking off 3 times in the last 2 months which really means its 3 x some number. So he's actually jerking off more often then we are having sex. I think we have done it maybe 3 or 4 times since new years. He says he does it while I'm sleeping or working out. I don’t get it. I'm just so hurt and upset right now. He's sleeping in the guest room tonight and more then likely the next few nights. I don't even want him to touch me. Oh and he said he has no problem if I want to look at porn, yeah... right.... Oh and he says he only thinks of me when he masturbates, bull **** again. It's late so I'm going to try and get some sleep.
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