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Old 02-09-2010, 11:00 AM
 
Location: Tempe, AZ
740 posts, read 687,041 times
Reputation: 441

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Quote:
Originally Posted by JamesGirl View Post
I've been wanting to go to marriage counseling from the very beginning, he wont go.

I never thought he would change after we got married. I didn't know these things about him until after we got married. I married a different person then who he is, a person he pretended to be. He has admitted to lying to me before we got married because he knew I would have never married him if I knew the truth. He has never came out and admitted anything. He only admits to things I have found out. Things have always been hard. But 99% of the time its great. I'm just sick of being lied to. I've never blown up like this and have always just taken everything with a grain of salt and moved on. I thought everything was great. It's hard to find out that your husband rather whack off then be with you. I've done everything he has asked, I've become everything that he's wanted. I do everything for him. He does not have a worry in the world. It's like I'm never going to be good enough...
My dear, it is not that you are not good enough. It is not an either/or situation here. It is a crying shame this did not come up before you were married and a crying shame that he felt he had to lie to you. However, since it didn't come up before marriage you need to decide how to deal with it now. You need to sit down with him and discuss calmly and rationally why this bothers you, including the fact that you think it is detracting from your sex life. Then you need to calmly listen to his reasons why he likes watching it and why he continues to do so even though he has you. After that, you both need to try to find a middle ground and it is going to take some give on both of your parts. It may or may not work, but if you want to stay with him you need to give it a shot.

 
Old 02-09-2010, 11:01 AM
 
140 posts, read 484,402 times
Reputation: 86
I've actually gone to marriage counseling by myself. But I'll being it up again tonight. Last night he seamed more open to the idea of talking to someone at a church, but I'm not sure if he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear. He is a great guy, but he's one that rather sweep things under the rug then deal with them.

We don't have a church right now since we recently moved, another thing I did for him. I left my home and family so he could be closer to his. He was not happy where we were even though I was so we picked up and moved accost country. :-)

typhoidmary - I did ask why he watches the videos. He said he does not know why, and he has tried to stop but he keeps going back to it. This is where he started to ask me for help and suggested we start going to church again.
 
Old 02-09-2010, 11:03 AM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,574 posts, read 4,035,805 times
Reputation: 6100
It's maybe not that he doesn't want her ?
Ok, they're not having sex as much as she'd like, but his masturbation doesn't mean he's replacing her.

It can be complementary to a normal sexual relationship.

I think it depends on the person

TBH, there are times when you don't want full sex, all you want is an orgasm, and masturbation is the only way to achieve that.

I'm sure this is not a particularly male thing.
Do you women want to spend all the time, and all the effort, and grunting, and groaning, and then having to clean up, when you could just spend a few minutes of your own time, and pass directly to point "O", with none of the complications ?

Personally, I get the impression that their problems may run a little deeper than this drama, I think this is only one symptom.

Quote:
Originally Posted by max's mama View Post
To be honest, seems like he doesn't want her much, could be her own fault from what I read, but I wouldn't put all the blame on her either. It's a 2-way street. If my husband didn't want me and preferred looking at porn, I'd be DEVASTATED.
 
Old 02-09-2010, 11:06 AM
 
Location: Plano, Texas
8,640 posts, read 14,638,092 times
Reputation: 21135
Quote:
Originally Posted by JamesGirl View Post
I've actually gone to marriage counseling by myself. But I'll being it up again tonight. Last night he seamed more open to the idea of talking to someone at a church, but I'm not sure if he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear. He is a great guy, but he's one that rather sweep things under the rug then deal with them.

We don't have a church right now since we recently moved, another thing I did for him. I left my home and family so he could be closer to his. He was not happy where we were even though I was so we picked up and moved accost country. :-)
Well, a lot of guys (and gals too) are like that~ would rather sweep things under the rug than deal with them. Not uncommon. Not unique to your husband at all. However, if he is open to talking to someone at a church, I would try to get him to do that. If not, again, I think you should go see someone at the very least. I also think getting involved at church again would help your marriage. (Remember I'm the old-fashioned one!)
 
Old 02-09-2010, 11:08 AM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 9,988,978 times
Reputation: 7882
Quote:
It can be complementary to a normal sexual relationship.
Yes - it can be complimentary, but does it look like they have a normal sexual relationship? If you read my first post on this thread (couple of pages back), you will see what I mean.
He only wants to have her once a week and she wants more.

Quote:
I'm sure this is not a particularly male thing.
Do you women want to spend all the time, and all the effort, and grunting, and groaning, and then having to clean up, when you could just spend a few minutes of your own time, and pass directly to point "O", with none of the complications ?
It's not only a male thing, but to be honest, for me personally, I chose a real sex with my husband over masturbation any day. I reserve to that when he is not home or exhausted sleeping.
 
Old 02-09-2010, 11:14 AM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
5,017 posts, read 3,801,789 times
Reputation: 4956
Quote:
Originally Posted by NY Annie View Post
From an old granny, this is what I'd say to you if you were my granddaughter. Get over it. And for lawd's sake, get that man out of the doghouse. If that's how you treat him when you don't want to work things out, don't be surprised if he says adios, sayonara, good-bye, so long.

You complain about not "doing it" - I assume you mean having sex (I so f'n hate euphemisms) and then you kick him out of your ? bed. I assume that means it isn't OUR bed in your mind. Someone has a problem here. First, you contradict yourself - not enough sex, get away. Good grief, GIRL! Then you treat him like a little boy or a dog. If you two make it to your 5th anniversary, I'd be susprised - nah, SHOCKED!

You have no respect for him and probably never did. By your own admission, you spied (spyed) on him. Well that's just a nice girl kinda thing to do - you witch! You made demands on him without listening to him - you will give up your porn. Who DO you think you are, Angelina Bitc*aJolie?And look where her attitude has gotten her - a divorce!

Get real, kid. Go see a therapist. Let him have his bal*s back, if you haven't swallowed them whole.

Yeah, I don't have a lot of compassion for you. You are a demanding, self-centered little girl.
Hmmm...and people wonder why the divorce rate is 50%. Some happen just because of petty stuff like this.

I don't think she kicked him out of their bed. I'm sure he did that voluntarily and he's hurt, upset and wondering what the big deal is. I tend to believe he was telling her the truth about everything but she doesn't WANT to believe him. The fact that he lied at the beginning is understandable too because he knew what her reaction would be. I hate to think what her reaction would be if he was, indeed, looking at REAL porn. What he was watching was no worse than a Girls Gone Wild episode.
 
Old 02-09-2010, 11:16 AM
 
Location: Tempe, AZ
740 posts, read 687,041 times
Reputation: 441
Quote:
Originally Posted by JamesGirl View Post
I've actually gone to marriage counseling by myself. But I'll being it up again tonight. Last night he seamed more open to the idea of talking to someone at a church, but I'm not sure if he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear. He is a great guy, but he's one that rather sweep things under the rug then deal with them.

We don't have a church right now since we recently moved, another thing I did for him. I left my home and family so he could be closer to his. He was not happy where we were even though I was so we picked up and moved accost country. :-)

typhoidmary - I did ask why he watches the videos. He said he does not know why, and he has tried to stop but he keeps going back to it. This is where he started to ask me for help and suggested we start going to church again.
Ok, I am not a psychiatrist or even an armchair psychologist, but it sounds like you both are under a lot of stress right now from moving. You, because of feeling separated from friends and family and feeling like you did it for him. And I would bet he is feeling stressed because he knows you are. Neither of you has really put down roots in your new home yet, either. Stress can do some whacky things to relationships and this may just be a rough patch. Prepare to have more of them, because they do happen, even in the best marriages.

Good that you both agree to talk to someone. I hope it works out
 
Old 02-09-2010, 11:17 AM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
5,017 posts, read 3,801,789 times
Reputation: 4956
Quote:
Originally Posted by Huckleberry3911948 View Post
sex came become an addiction. your post does not sound like either of you are being deprived unless the OP is a daydream fantasy.
but for most americans---
looking at porn is bad, using sex and guilt to control another is worse. if you feed that dog he won't get in the trash.
Uh huh...that's like saying if a man has steak at home he won't go looking for hamburger but that's a myth too.
 
Old 02-09-2010, 11:19 AM
 
Location: Plano, Texas
8,640 posts, read 14,638,092 times
Reputation: 21135
Quote:
Originally Posted by typhoidmary View Post
Ok, I am not a psychiatrist or even an armchair psychologist, but it sounds like you both are under a lot of stress right now from moving. You, because of feeling separated from friends and family and feeling like you did it for him. And I would bet he is feeling stressed because he knows you are. Neither of you has really put down roots in your new home yet, either. Stress can do some whacky things to relationships and this may just be a rough patch. Prepare to have more of them, because they do happen, even in the best marriages.

Good that you both agree to talk to someone. I hope it works out
I agree about the moving stress. Good point. We moved to Dallas for job related reasons years ago when our son was a baby. We moved from my hometown to his and though I wanted to move and we needed to move, it WAS very stressful particularly to me and our marriage did take a hit for awhile.
 
Old 02-09-2010, 11:20 AM
 
140 posts, read 484,402 times
Reputation: 86
typhoidmary - what you said brought tears to my eyes. I think your right. I feel so alone here, I hate it here, I want to go home. He's the only thing that I have here and I feel like he's replacing me.
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