Divorce Stigma! (long-term, marry, women, husband)

[AZDesertBrat]

Originally Posted by Curmudgeon

If a man or woman was previously married and subsequently divorced, does than make them a good prospect for a future relationship or not?

For these purposes let's assume they're not on the rebound and either don't have children or their children are all grown and on their own.

In my estimation, if nothing else it could show that they have a commitment gene somewhere. On the other hand, I'd tread a bit lightly at first in case they were the primary reason the former marriage headed south. What about you?

Is there still a stigma of "failure" attached to them or is it so common now that nobody cares?

Yes and no. How's that for an answer??

I think one divorce, no problem. Two divorces, hmmmmm. Three divorces...raised eyebrows. Four?...What the heck is WRONG with them?? And I KNOW I've been the recipient of that one!! lol

Nobody really knows the reasons, whys and wherefores of a persons prior life. Having been there and done that I have found myself being a lot less judgemental and probably give people the benefit of the doubt. When I think back about how many ex wives I had to deal with...ai yi yi! My #4 had never been married or had kids and that was soooo nice! #1 had one ex and I never blamed him for divorcing her. She was so bad, as a wife and mother, that he got total custody of their baby boy at 4 mos.. And that was in 1959. #2 had one ex. She divorced him for cheating. Shoulda been a BIG red flag for me but I was young and dumb thinking he wouldn't do that to ME!! #3 had two ex's and I knew them both and got along with them. The first one he divorced because she was a filthy person, never cleaned house, etc.. His second one cheated on him. None of them wanted to divorce me.

The fact that they were divorced was no problem for me. What happened in the past was the past. All I cared about was how they were with me.

I WAS a good wife. Totally committed to the man and marriage, for as long as I could be. I would still be a good wife. Regardless of how many times I've been married. But I'll never chance it again. Life is good!

If I learned anything in my married life it is this...unconditional love is impossible. There's no way you can love someone all the time no matter what they do to you. #1 made me promise that I would never leave him and, being a dumb little 18 year old in love, I promised. That just seemed to give him permission to be as ratty as he pleased to me because, after all, I DID promise! He threw it in my face when I divorced him 8 years later too.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by Curmudgeon

If a man or woman was previously married and subsequently divorced, does than make them a good prospect for a future relationship or not?

For these purposes let's assume they're not on the rebound and either don't have children or their children are all grown and on their own.

In my estimation, if nothing else it could show that they have a commitment gene somewhere. On the other hand, I'd tread a bit lightly at first in case they were the primary reason the former marriage headed south. What about you?

Is there still a stigma of "failure" attached to them or is it so common now that nobody cares?

While you'd want to be cautious when considering dating someone who has been divorced until you ascertained what all the facts are, I don't think you want to buy into the notion that ALL divorced people are somehow "tainted" or not safe bets for a relationship.

Sometimes the very fact that a person HAS been married makes them better dating material because they've been in the trenches, so to speak, and have a lot of practical experience on what will and won't work in a relationship.

While divorce is never something to aspire to, it can bring about growth and change in a person that gives them more depth and wisdom.

[ChessieMom]

Originally Posted by Curmudgeon

Is there still a stigma of "failure" attached to them or is it so common now that nobody cares?

I don't think there is any stigma at all. Unfortunately, it's so common now, you sort of expect it.

[Drover]

If there is a stigma, there's such a huge pool of divorced people that they can stick to dating each other and still have plenty of options. Wifey and I are both on our second marriage -- "stigma" just seems inapt in that context.

[Ceece]

I don't see it as a stigma, especially if it's one divorce. I think it's even LESS of a stigma if it was a short term marriage when you were young, OR after a very long term marriage. We have almost come to expect it these days. I agree that 2 or more makes someone look a little sketchy.

[OngletNYC]

Originally Posted by Curmudgeon

Smart! Just as it takes two to make a relationship, it usually also takes two to break one.

Generally there are three sides to every divorce -- his side, her side and the truth which usually lies somewhere in the middle.

On another thread, a woman recounted to me the circumstances surrounding her FOUR divorces. As it turns out, she was not to blame at all in any of them - she just had bad luck. Four times.

[picklejuice]

Divorce (even in this day and time) is looked at as a failure, no matter who the blame is pinned on.

Something in that serious of a relationship had to have gone really wrong, to get to the point of splitting, filing, and then divorcing.

Few people will take their share of the blame, so most outsiders/prospects are left wondering what the real story is/was.

[sweetheart1311]

It depends. I would think twice about dating a guy who initiated his divorce without a very good reason (like his wife cheating or something like that). I would wonder about his commitment issues and ability to stick around through thick and thin. If his wife left him though - that's a different story. I would also pay close attention to how he speaks of her.

I have been divorced once, too. In my case, we weren't a good couple to begin with, and the only reason I married him is because I loved him to death (and was too young and naive to know that love is not enough). I don't think that makes me a bad woman .

[DennyCrane]

Originally Posted by AZDesertBrat

Nobody really knows the reasons, whys and wherefores of a persons prior life. Having been there and done that I have found myself being a lot less judgemental and probably give people the benefit of the doubt.

It's a pity more people don't think like you. I'll never understand this need to generalize about entire groups of people or assume you know someone based on what group they belong to. Why can't people take things on a case-by-case basis?

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

Sometimes the very fact that a person HAS been married makes them better dating material because they've been in the trenches, so to speak, and have a lot of practical experience on what will and won't work in a relationship.

While divorce is never something to aspire to, it can bring about growth and change in a person that gives them more depth and wisdom.

Excellent point. While I don't think people should treat marriage as a trial run, most people I know who've been divorced readily admit to their mistakes. When I meet someone who's been divorced, I don't think she's someone who'd make a lousy wife. I think she's someone who's probably more qualified to know what makes marriage work and what ruins it.

Originally Posted by picklejuice

Divorce (even in this day and time) is looked at as a failure, no matter who the blame is pinned on.

Something in that serious of a relationship had to have gone really wrong, to get to the point of splitting, filing, and then divorcing.

Few people will take their share of the blame, so most outsiders/prospects are left wondering what the real story is/was.

I strongly disagree. Sometimes marriages end despite nothing going wrong. Why does it end? Because the two people realized they were just wrong for one another. And every divorced person I've met has owned up to their mistakes in their previous marriage.

[AZDesertBrat]

<<<It's a pity more people don't think like you. I'll never understand this need to generalize about entire groups of people or assume you know someone based on what group they belong to. Why can't people take things on a case-by-case basis?>>>

Human beings are, by nature, judgemental. We make judgements every day, even if they are subconcious. We just look at people and make judgements. I think that our own personal experieces can make us less/more judgemental. And honestly, the older we get the less we care anyway. It helps to have a live and let live attitude. However, if you are judging someone you might get involved with, that's not always a bad thing. Depends on how "deep" you go and how judgemental you really are.

I admit, I get tired of the generalizations and "broad brush" strokes. Each person is an individual, unlike anyone else. And all I can say to that is thank God!!