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I have gotten to know a nice few people on this forum, who do believe in me and have given some very good replies, and I have also found that there are a lot of people in the same position as me and have not posted so I am happy to have gotten to know them as we have actually helped each other put it all into perspective. I wouldnt advise anyone to just throw a marriage away, I am glad I didnt, and for the record, my hubby knows my feelings and was very understanding and respected my honesty.
Hi, I have just recently registered on this forum and am interested to hear any sympathetic and constructive comments only please.
I am 42 and been married for 10 years in August. My hubby is nearly 4 years younger than me, he's a lovely person and quite good looking, has always worked and we get on very well, in fact we are more like best mates, as we were mates before we started dating.
For the past 3 years I no longer feel attracted to him, and am happier when I am at work. I have even started fancying other guys at work that are on a head of service level, I kind of look up to them, where as my hubby is more on the level that I am, only in his line of work. Note - Liking other people at work, I understand is probably a natural thing for someone in my position, and I certainly will not do anything stupid. He changed his job a while ago and is now working away a lot, he enjoys the job and I am really happy for him. I am a lot happier being on my own I have noticed and when he is back, I am pleased to see him but soon get very aggitated and find it irritating him being home. I have wanted to live on my own for the past 3 years and even wished I had never gotten married.
Neither of us have had affairs, he hasn't done anything wrong as such, and neither have I to my knowledge. I just want to live on my own and have my own independence, I know I get that when he is away but I sometimes wish he wouldn't come back, isn't that awful, I hate to think like that. I did speak to him early 2009 about this, and the reason I decided to stay as we are is because he just didnt want to let go and I did not want to see him upset, I ended up just saying it may have been a phase etc. I care about him a lot, I just do not fancy him anymore and have not done for years. We do not have kids, I never wanted kids and he was never keen also so there has never been a problem there. Neither of us dislike kids, they are just not for me.
The other thing I loathe about marriage is this thing where 'what's mine is his', everything I buy like my car, computer, camera etc, he seems to think is his too and even refers to my car as 'the car' to everyone else, he has his own car. I am the one paying for my car and he is on the insurance as I am happy for him to drive it, like I would his if he wanted me to. I feel that I dont even have my own mind being married where as when I am on my own and he is working away I have my own routine and can go on the pc when I like (which I am doing now lol, he is out), go to bed when I like. I am not interested in seeing anyone else, I just want to be free.
So in a nutshell I hate being married and want to live on my own, the only thing stopping me is upsetting him and me not being able to afford a £100,000 mortgage at 42 as that is what would happen if I was to buy him out. I am only on £16,500 a year so wouldnt even get a mortgage for that!
So what an earth do I do, I dont want to stay with someone if I am unhappy, when he is working away I am happy, I think that speaks volumes on its own!
Sorry this is long xx
I think it is normal for a marriage to wear thin, you sound like you still care so dont rush into anything.
As for the money side of it, it sounds like you would need to sell the house and share the equity and start afresh, maybe rent, seems to be the thing in the UK at the moment what with the recession etc.
Women especially like their own space, I know I do, women adapt well where as men dont, this is probably why you like it when he is working away.
Sounds like you are making a go of it, I am sure time will tell, I am a strong believer in fate, but make sure you make the right decision first, I would hate you to split and then regret it.
I agree with GypsySoul. Have you gotten a checkup?
I can relate. I enjoy my freedom when my husband travels and often I look forward to his business trips. But I love him and look forward to sharing our lives together. Do you have any shared interests? Perhaps you might give a try to developing some sort of mutual new activity. Maybe take a dance class together or get a season theatre ticket together and have some shared adventures. You don't seem to play together much and it certainly is worth trying to deepen your relationship before doing something as dramatic as getting a divorce.
Things have changed a lot since my first post, he has a job now where he works away, sometimes, not often but it does help as we both have a little 'me' time, a lot of horrible things have happened to me lately: at risk of redundancy at work and my gran passing away so not a particularly good time at the moment so the time I get on my own without people is important. I like my own company more than with others, simple as that, I wont change, so as longs he continues to work away our relationship might survive.
You don't sound like someone who should have ever been married. Were you an only child by any chance?
Consider getting some therapy to help you understand your motivations and feelings and to better understand why you are the way you are. Once you get some clarity on that and if you still don't want to be married, then break things off and free him up to be with someone who can truly love him and have him as their first priority. He certainly deserves more than you are currently able to give him.
Did you ever get the counseling you so obviously need like I recommended to you a year ago?
Now more than ever, you really need it. I am sorry about the death of your Gran
There's nothing more to say - LM was right a year ago and still right today - please get yourself counselling. You aren't being fair to your husband at all and since you prefer being alone, you're not being fair to yourself either.
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