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Old 02-10-2010, 03:00 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,144 posts, read 2,842,200 times
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Some people have more anger and hurt left inside of them from their past than others do... Do you look for clues when you first meet people to see if someone is carrying around a lot of "old baggage?" If someone continually bad-mouths their ex spouse in negative ways I know they haven't done much work to heal their past. They are still stuck...and haven''t taken the time to break free from their old pain and wounds. How do you feel about it?
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Old 02-10-2010, 03:10 PM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
Some people have more anger and hurt left inside of them from their past than others do... Do you look for clues when you first meet people to see if someone is carrying around a lot of "old baggage?" If someone continually bad-mouths their ex spouse in negative ways I know they haven't done much work to heal their past. They are still stuck...and haven''t taken the time to break free from their old pain and wounds. How do you feel about it?
Yes, some people do this. It used to make me mad to be on a date and have to listen to the litany of what the ex(s) did and how bad it was, etc. etc.. The older they are the more baggage they have too. I did, at times, wonder if they weren't doing this as a way of letting a possible partner know what they would/wouldn't accept in a relationship but since they never said that I had to believe they were just still stuck in the past.

As for me, I decided a long time ago to dump the baggage and get a brand new set of Tourister luggage for the adventure ahead!
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Old 02-10-2010, 03:11 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
22,296 posts, read 17,026,488 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
Some people have more anger and hurt left inside of them from their past than others do... Do you look for clues when you first meet people to see if someone is carrying around a lot of "old baggage?" If someone continually bad-mouths their ex spouse in negative ways I know they haven't done much work to heal their past. They are still stuck...and haven''t taken the time to break free from their old pain and wounds. How do you feel about it?
Sometimes you can't see it. After our break up, my husband went in for counseling and it was determined that he had not dealt with his first marriage breaking up. I never understood why things turned on their ear as fast as they did but it was because of old baggage. Anything that reminded him of her and their relationship turned ours sour. I just felt like I couldn't do anything right.

It would be nice if people had weight signs above their heads for the mass of baggage they're carrying . Sure would make life easier.

The funny thing in our case is I nailed the problem early on but then dismissed it. I remember getting mad at him about six months after we were married and telling him "MY NAME IS NOT PATRICIA". 20 some years later when the counselor said he'd never let go of his first marriage failing I remembered that fight. Too bad that didn't wake him up. Things could have been better a lot sooner.
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Old 02-10-2010, 03:20 PM
 
Location: My Private Island
4,928 posts, read 4,620,021 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
Some people have more anger and hurt left inside of them from their past than others do... Do you look for clues when you first meet people to see if someone is carrying around a lot of "old baggage?" If someone continually bad-mouths their ex spouse in negative ways I know they haven't done much work to heal their past. They are still stuck...and haven''t taken the time to break free from their old pain and wounds. How do you feel about it?
It is trying experience to say the least when dealing with someone who has old baggage. I dated this one guy who had come out of a LTR and everything I did (or didn't) do he would compare to his ex. Even down to sex. (yes he was an arse) I was very young and my ego was hurt. It took me a couple of years to break free of that relationship. Ahhh...to be young and stupid.
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Old 02-10-2010, 04:04 PM
 
Location: Tempe, AZ
740 posts, read 696,023 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
Some people have more anger and hurt left inside of them from their past than others do... Do you look for clues when you first meet people to see if someone is carrying around a lot of "old baggage?" If someone continually bad-mouths their ex spouse in negative ways I know they haven't done much work to heal their past. They are still stuck...and haven''t taken the time to break free from their old pain and wounds. How do you feel about it?
I can't say I look for clues, but I do notice the ones that land in my lap, such as bad mouthing anyone they had a past relationship with. Of course summing it up with "Things went wrong because of X, Y, and Z." is fine, but using really harsh language for the person? I don't know, that signals "not over it yet". I mean we have all had at least one relationship with someone who is on our "would have been better to never meet you, can't say I like you, and occasionally hope you step on a landmine" list, but to tear down someone you once cared about to a 3rd party who did not know him/her? This signals baggage that won't fit in the overhead compartment and must be checked in the hold
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Old 02-10-2010, 04:13 PM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
5,103 posts, read 3,919,253 times
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Originally Posted by typhoidmary View Post
I can't say I look for clues, but I do notice the ones that land in my lap, such as bad mouthing anyone they had a past relationship with. Of course summing it up with "Things went wrong because of X, Y, and Z." is fine, but using really harsh language for the person? I don't know, that signals "not over it yet". I mean we have all had at least one relationship with someone who is on our "would have been better to never meet you, can't say I like you, and occasionally hope you step on a landmine" list, but to tear down someone you once cared about to a 3rd party who did not know him/her? This signals baggage that won't fit in the overhead compartment and must be checked in the hold
One BIG reason I don't bad mouth any of my ex's is because if I was stupid enough to choose someone like that, it's all on me. I'll grant you I wasn't always good about my choices but once it's over I'll spend time trying to figure out what went wrong. I have never ever called them names or talked bad about them. If I do talk about them...like in forums...it's just facts and not putdowns. At least it's not meant to be.
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Old 02-10-2010, 04:17 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,144 posts, read 2,842,200 times
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Good posts...Thanks. Some people still carry around old grudges towards their mom and dad too which they transfer over to their spouses. ....As far as ex's go...it's nice to hear someone own-up to the fact that they chose their mate and they chose to stay with them for a period of time despite the conflicts....Owning-up to this tells me that a person has done some work on their past marriage.
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Old 02-10-2010, 05:09 PM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
5,103 posts, read 3,919,253 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
Good posts...Thanks. Some people still carry around old grudges towards their mom and dad too which they transfer over to their spouses. ....As far as ex's go...it's nice to hear someone own-up to the fact that they chose their mate and they chose to stay with them for a period of time despite the conflicts....Owning-up to this tells me that a person has done some work on their past marriage.
My mom came by a while ago and we were talking about this. She said that it always surprised her at how I didn't hold grudges. She also said that I should never feel bad about how many times I was married because she watched me, all those years, being the best I could be and make my man happy. Truthfully I have neither the time, energy or inclination to hold grudges and it eats you up from the inside out. I've watched my sister hold grudges and hate on people all her life. It's made her an old and ugly woman. That is NOT for me!
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Old 02-10-2010, 05:16 PM
 
24,548 posts, read 14,875,373 times
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Someone who still bad mouths their ex and takes no responsiblity is a clear signal and another is the length of time between relationships a person gives themselves to get a grip. Sometimes we fall into the rebound zone. If someone is bitter and it's only been a short period of time since the break up - they need to get themselves together first before you will actually be recognized. The other thing is how long has this person typically given themselves between relationships in general. I usually abide by a rule of time between relationships and dating to give a new person a clean slate with no baggage. Another thing to look out for are the places she suggests going - are they places you are likely to run into that other person or she says "we used to come here all the time."
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Old 02-10-2010, 05:51 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,098 posts, read 56,964,608 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
Some people have more anger and hurt left inside of them from their past than others do... Do you look for clues when you first meet people to see if someone is carrying around a lot of "old baggage?" If someone continually bad-mouths their ex spouse in negative ways I know they haven't done much work to heal their past. They are still stuck...and haven''t taken the time to break free from their old pain and wounds. How do you feel about it?
When letting people in to my world I always gravitate toward emotionally healthy people.

I have a lot of empathy and compassion for those that are hurting, and I'll do my best to be kind or helpful toward them - but I will not take these kinds of "stuck" people into my inner circle - I don't wish to be surrounded by the negative energy and be sucked dry of my positive energy.
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