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It seems you are wide awake now. You've seen the signs all along, but maybe didn't tally them? Or give them their due? This guy stinks of CONTROL FREAK. I want to ask you, why you want to marry this guy in the first place? Do you really, really love him? Is there another reason? You may not even know, may not have even given this question enough consideration. Please understand, I do not ask you this to ridicule or rake you over the coals at a time when you are already wounded. But just as a question for you to consider for yourself. So many times, ALL of us, get locked into an idea, and then it just becomes how do I accomplish this? How do I carry this out? We are stuck on a road of "fulfillment", and that is when we forget to reexamine our initial motivation.
Tactics over strategy. The right tactics but the wrong strategy. Zoom out. The most creative place to be, and the place that offers the most clarity is at the premise, the reason, the basis from which our strategy sprang. Don't ask yourself how, not yet. Ask yourself, "Why?
My friends feel that he treats me like a possession, like property. In the past month, he's been yelling at me more out of the blue. VERY unlike the normal him.
I am RELIEVED I am seeing this NOW.
Your thoughts. . .
Without having read the many replies, realizing that I could be totally wrong, acknowledging that this is off the top of my head I have to wonder if this IS the normal him and what you've been seeing has been a facade.
This IS lengthy, but I need to vent so I can get my head a bit more straight.
I have not been posting here lately as much because I have been mostly been in my cave hiding - frustrated and confused. I was sad before - now I am just pretty mad.
Here it is just under 4 weeks away from our wedding date.
Situation:
Thursday he leaves for a convention to Vegas that lasts until Sunday evening. No biggie - have known about it for weeks. V-Tines Day would be spent apart.
The morning of V-Tines, my friends call me excited about how their boyfriends and husbands did this for them to make V-Tines special, etc. Having been missing him, it pulled on my heart strings a little bit.
Fiance then calls me. We talk a few minutes. His spirits were really good. he even asked me if I wanted to take the next flight to Vegas and get married that evening. I declined - our kids want to be there. He was cool with that [see, every week he CONSTANTLY tries to get me to marry him earlier and I do not understand WHY??? All he says is he is eager to begin our life together. So my sticking to March is NOTHING new]
OK---I tried to hide the slight "low" in my voice and forced a more bubbly me as best that I can, that failed, evidently - he asked what was wrong. I said, "Just miss you. Friends called with their happy V-Tines Day events with their SO's - you know how it goes - and I'm just pulling my chin up. Your call couldn't have called me at a better time, thank you."
He caught me totally off guard, raised his voice angrily, and said, "WELL EXCUSE ME, I DIDN'T SEND YOU FLOWERS OR ANYTHING!!! WTF DO YOU WANT ME TO DO FROM 3000 MILES AWAY!!! HUH!!! WTF DO YOU WANT ME TO DO FROM 3000 MILES AWAY!!!"
*CLICK* - He then hung up on me.
I sat for 15 minutes like this-------->
Nothing was about flowers or any delivery. We both knew that V-Tines Day would ping being apart. Pretty normal for couples apart. At that point, for all I knew, flowers could have been on the way. He's always sending me flowers and stuff. So his comment of "WTF, 3000 miles.." blew me AWAY. I have NO idea what that crap was about.
I did not call him back. Why would I? - I do not call back people who scream at me and hang up on me. 2 hours later, the doorbell rings. Flower delivery - to add insult to injury - not from my Fiance - flowers were from MY EX BOYFRIEND who just sent a note w/ it saying, "Have a great Valentines!"
I called my ex-boyfriend to thank him. He said that he was thinking about me early Sunday afternoon and ordered them for me and was happy I received them and liked them. Nothing more, nothing less - and we hung up.
It's 5AM on Tuesday morning and he and I still have not called each other. It feels like a stand-off.
My friends feel that he treats me like a possession, like property. In the past month, he's been yelling at me more out of the blue. VERY unlike the normal him.
After what happened Sunday - and his not coming back to me to at least apologize, explain - JUST SOMETHING ---I do not want to get married in March. His yelling at me more so recently over the most stupid stuff really has my red flags up at full mast. His yelling at me as he has started to and did on Sunday is NOT OK. I will not allow someone to continue to treat me like that, lest marry him. I'm not freaking desperate or insane. Hell, if this is a PREVIEW of what's to come. . .
Why in the hell would I want to marry someone that would do that to me on V-Tines Day - a month before the wedding - and STILL no call and we are on Tuesday now? Forget it - I won't marry anyone that will disrespect me like that and will not communicate w/ me. The closer it gets - the LESS he puts into this relationship! I feel taken for granted! Which I do NOT get since he is trying to drag me to the alter faster every other day. Why is he trying to pull me into a marriage more quickly. . .is all I can think now. There HAS to be an ulterior motive based on his behaviors lately.
My friends, male and female both tell me to run and to run away FAST. They used to really like him, but again, with the way he's been treating me lately the closer it gets to the wedding - and his increasing his attempts to marry me much sooner.
I am RELIEVED I am seeing this NOW.
Your thoughts. . .
Jeepers ....
Without reading any of the other posts yet - just this one, I'm going to give you my opinion. I am your friend, so you know I wouldn't give you crappy advice.
You've been single and HAPPY for so long, you don't need this kind of crap in your life! You've successfully dodged a wicked bunch of people who you have the unfortunate luck of calling "family" (let me clarify ... in name only!). You've raised an awesome son, and you're a smart cookie. You do not need someone in your life who will treat you like a possession, like garbage, and with disrespect. There are plenty of men out there - many who would be proud to have you on their arm and in their life.
I don't know what issues this guy is dealing with, but to take whatever it is out on you is wrong. It won't stop with you - it will be your son at some point in the future, and I know you won't put up with that sh*t - and you shouldn't have to.
You need to make the decision, but my opinion is that you should break off the engagement because this guy is clearly not ready to get married and take on the responsibility of a family.
Of course, I wish you the very best in whatever you decide. If you need to talk, you have my email and my cell phone number.
Hey Jeep - I was going to read all the replies and possibly respond again, but HOLY CRAP ..... 16 pages???!!! I just don't have the time to sort through everything. You should just call me or drop me an email and tell me the latest. You know I got your back, girlie!!!
This IS lengthy, but I need to vent so I can get my head a bit more straight.
I have not been posting here lately as much because I have been mostly been in my cave hiding - frustrated and confused. I was sad before - now I am just pretty mad.
Here it is just under 4 weeks away from our wedding date.
Situation:
Thursday he leaves for a convention to Vegas that lasts until Sunday evening. No biggie - have known about it for weeks. V-Tines Day would be spent apart.
The morning of V-Tines, my friends call me excited about how their boyfriends and husbands did this for them to make V-Tines special, etc. Having been missing him, it pulled on my heart strings a little bit.
Fiance then calls me. We talk a few minutes. His spirits were really good. he even asked me if I wanted to take the next flight to Vegas and get married that evening. I declined - our kids want to be there. He was cool with that [see, every week he CONSTANTLY tries to get me to marry him earlier and I do not understand WHY??? All he says is he is eager to begin our life together. So my sticking to March is NOTHING new]
OK---I tried to hide the slight "low" in my voice and forced a more bubbly me as best that I can, that failed, evidently - he asked what was wrong. I said, "Just miss you. Friends called with their happy V-Tines Day events with their SO's - you know how it goes - and I'm just pulling my chin up. Your call couldn't have called me at a better time, thank you."
He caught me totally off guard, raised his voice angrily, and said, "WELL EXCUSE ME, I DIDN'T SEND YOU FLOWERS OR ANYTHING!!! WTF DO YOU WANT ME TO DO FROM 3000 MILES AWAY!!! HUH!!! WTF DO YOU WANT ME TO DO FROM 3000 MILES AWAY!!!"
*CLICK* - He then hung up on me.
I sat for 15 minutes like this-------->
Nothing was about flowers or any delivery. We both knew that V-Tines Day would ping being apart. Pretty normal for couples apart. At that point, for all I knew, flowers could have been on the way. He's always sending me flowers and stuff. So his comment of "WTF, 3000 miles.." blew me AWAY. I have NO idea what that crap was about.
I did not call him back. Why would I? - I do not call back people who scream at me and hang up on me. 2 hours later, the doorbell rings. Flower delivery - to add insult to injury - not from my Fiance - flowers were from MY EX BOYFRIEND who just sent a note w/ it saying, "Have a great Valentines!"
I called my ex-boyfriend to thank him. He said that he was thinking about me early Sunday afternoon and ordered them for me and was happy I received them and liked them. Nothing more, nothing less - and we hung up.
It's 5AM on Tuesday morning and he and I still have not called each other. It feels like a stand-off.
My friends feel that he treats me like a possession, like property. In the past month, he's been yelling at me more out of the blue. VERY unlike the normal him.
After what happened Sunday - and his not coming back to me to at least apologize, explain - JUST SOMETHING ---I do not want to get married in March. His yelling at me more so recently over the most stupid stuff really has my red flags up at full mast. His yelling at me as he has started to and did on Sunday is NOT OK. I will not allow someone to continue to treat me like that, lest marry him. I'm not freaking desperate or insane. Hell, if this is a PREVIEW of what's to come. . .
Why in the hell would I want to marry someone that would do that to me on V-Tines Day - a month before the wedding - and STILL no call and we are on Tuesday now? Forget it - I won't marry anyone that will disrespect me like that and will not communicate w/ me. The closer it gets - the LESS he puts into this relationship! I feel taken for granted! Which I do NOT get since he is trying to drag me to the alter faster every other day. Why is he trying to pull me into a marriage more quickly. . .is all I can think now. There HAS to be an ulterior motive based on his behaviors lately.
My friends, male and female both tell me to run and to run away FAST. They used to really like him, but again, with the way he's been treating me lately the closer it gets to the wedding - and his increasing his attempts to marry me much sooner.
I am RELIEVED I am seeing this NOW.
Your thoughts. . .
My opinion, you didn't date him long enough before you decided to marry him. So thank goodness you set a wedding date a few months out from the proposal so you could see stuff like this before it was too late.
He is showing you his true colors now. Even if he was just having a bad moment when he screamed and cursed at you, he should have called within and hour or two with a loving apology.
But most telling of all is what your friends are saying - and what they were seeing even before he did this to you on Valentine's Day (the phone call).
Hey again Jeepers ...
I just sort of briefly scanned through your posts. It looks like you've called off the engagement and wedding. So ... if you're still gonna be moving out of Florida, WE need to get together and paint the town in March!!!!!
"OK---I tried to hide the slight "low" in my voice and forced a more bubbly me as best that I can, that failed, evidently - he asked what was wrong. I said, "Just miss you. Friends called with their happy V-Tines Day events with their SO's - you know how it goes - and I'm just pulling my chin up. Your call couldn't have called me at a better time, thank you."
He caught me totally off guard, raised his voice angrily, and said, "WELL EXCUSE ME, I DIDN'T SEND YOU FLOWERS OR ANYTHING!!! WTF DO YOU WANT ME TO DO FROM 3000 MILES AWAY!!! HUH!!! WTF DO YOU WANT ME TO DO FROM 3000 MILES AWAY!!!"
That is just wrong wrong wrong for so many reasons. If he thinks he can yell at you like that before marriage, I would be watching out for flying fists after marriage when he thinks he's got you trapped.
No wonder he's been pushing so hard for the wedding. I don't need to tell you what to do, I'm guessing you already know. Good luck with this one.
Edit: I also did not read any of the thread...The bolded words are as far as I got.
What's sad about it - that I trust opinions of some here who I have gotten to know well over 3 years both offline and online? The same people who have helped give clarity into situations and if it weren't for them and some things they've offered . . it would have taken much longer for things to have been recognized to make change.
I did not join last month. I have bonds here.
Perhaps you have a huge outside support system, I do not. I have no family - and only a few select trusted offline friends.
Sorry, meant no offense. Some things just seem obvious and others seem to be meant for more private venues. My mistake.
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