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The only other piece of advice I can give is to not discuss this when you are still angry. It's one thing to vent and let yourself feel all the hurt and frustration, but don't keep fanning the flames. Anger will make you irrational. Let yourself burn and then cool off so you can think with a clear head.
In an average month, under normal circumstances, even if my girlfriend is away, we'll be lucky to exchange 1 email per day, possibly more if we get good jokes sent to us.
Jeep, I'm afraid, the more you're talking, the more I'm starting to see things wrong with this whole scenario, I think you can see them too. Maybe you've seen them all along, but haven't wanted to acknowledge them ?
Normally I wouldn't give specific advice, I'd just give an "in my experience" line, or a hypothesis, and leave the poster to decide for themselves.
In this case, I'll break my rules.
There sounds something "not right" about this guy, and, at the very least, if I was you, i'd advise postponing your nuptials until you're sure either way.
Personally, I think he sounds like a whole big bag of crazy.
I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but i feel it's better to be honest.
The more I put 2+2 together and hear my offline friends input [and now through here], I am afraid that I am right there with ya on that one.
It is a definite, I will not marry him in March now. We [my son and I] will still go back to Phoenix, just not in 3 weeks as planned. But we will get back out there before the fall college semester starts for my son [my son misses his friends horribly].
Other than the temporary cluster-boom in my head, I am not crying over this or shattered in some complicated way. Mad, yes. Mad is better than sad. In reality, this is pretty black and white. Takes more than this to break me.
Has it occurred to you that what you are now seeing is his normal behavior?
Perhaps what you've been seeing up to this point is what he wanted you to see.
To me, the fact that he feels that it is okay to yell at you at all, much less over insignificant incidents, is a BIG RED FLAG!
I don't think I'd be flinging myself headlong into marriage with this man anytime soon, if at all. If he really loves you, he'll wait. You need to get a better grasp on this man's personality and psyche before marriage. Delay the nuptials. Something is not quite kosher here.
To me it sounded as though he's had some bottled up frustration that finally came out in one awkward phone call. Your unwillingness to enter into a covenant marriage, your refusal to get married right away, and his false interpretation of the V-Day phone call finally pushed the meltdown button. In his mind he may have thought he was making all the right moves.
Difficult to say what's really going on in his head. Especially since you only see one another sparingly due to his travel. You've known him for a year and a half, in that time has he shared anything about previous relationships, how they ended and why? Has he demonstrated any sort of questionable behavior towards his own family, if so, you could be on the receiving end next. What are the odds he's stringing along another girl or two around the country? He's gone 250 days a year, could be there's a woman or two stashed in various towns. Maybe one of them got him angry and he took it out on you?
I wouldn't call off the wedding over one display of misguided anger. I would postpone it until you had some more time to let this thing breath. Next time you two speak, hopefully face to face, let him know how you felt and what your concerns are, lay it all on the line.
What I'm curious about is, if he's such a great catch, then why hasn't someone snatched him up closer to home? You guys live almost 3,000 miles apart correct? Him in AZ, you in FL, why couldn't he find someone closer to home? By not living together, the two of you do not have the opportunity to get to know what really makes one another tick. You don't have time enough together to learn one another's quirks, bad habits, and breaking points. The time you spend together is quality time, like a vacation, and it seems neither of you have been put to the test by having to be bound to one another day in day out. His frequent traveling keeps things fresh before it has a chance to fizzle out. What happens when the travel stops?
Just some things to ponder Jeep. Hope it all works out. Just take it one day at a time.
I will say you should count your blessings you are seeing this side of him now.
You need to call it off. Seriously!
There's no reason for you to have to deal with that. These are the happiest times you will have. If they are already bad then the future is really gonna be bad.
I agree with these two. ^^
Jeep, hon, I think you've managed to chip the fresh paint on some seriously damaged goods. This whole affair has been rather hasty, and he has been pushing hard from the get-go. This blow-up would not only give me pause, it would give me wings. I'd get the hell out, now. I'm far too independent to ever be happy with such a man. I expect this guy is so accustomed to having everything exactly as he wants it, given that he travels so much and rarely needs to think about a "home life", any wrinkles are usually stomped on and quickly forgotten. It sounds like he is rushing so that he can stop the "playing nice" and get back to business as usual, which is for him, riding roughshod over whoever gets in his way.
I can't decide for you...you have to figure that out. But at least sit back on those heels and pull the reins up on this dude fast. Postpone the wedding, at the least. You need more time to decide if this fellow is right for you.
100% agree. Thing is, Chessie, I am not hurting inside - you know, the hurt that a heart twists and feels like when something like this happens? It is the kind of angry where it's heading in the direction of indifference. I cried a couple of tears after he hung up - maybe that was shock. Since, no tears - no heart wrenching pain. I have absolutely zero desire to call him - and have actually rolled my eyes in thought IF he does call me back.
Even then - IF he does - what does a man with SO much pride, who has a hard time admitting when he is wrong, say two days [or more] later? LOL - ya know? Somehow, I am seeing that as an unlikely situation.
It's most likely that I will just send the engagement ring back, without a note, and that will be that. Like old times, he can just ring and ring my phone. I will move on with my life, this will not jade me. Life is too short.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Capt. Dan
Hi Jeep. You already know the answer to your original question. Dont you? I think you and I have talked enough over the years that I have a pretty good grasp of your intelligence and intuition. We know that you will NEVER tolerate being verbally abused or taken for granted. If he does this before marriage it will most certainly get worse afterwards. No reason for an intelligent,beautiful woman such as yourself to settle for anything less than happiness. Good luck sweetie!
Now I know a 100% answer.
Thanks, Dan - and I agree with you. Something tells me that he was just practice for the right one. I've lost any desire to put this back together. As in - just am not feeling that into him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunnydee
Jeep, I am so sorry you are going through this. I really wanted this one to be your happily ever after. Unfortunately, I think what you are seeing now is how he really is. Your friends have seen the red flags for awhile, but now you are seeing them. The behaviors he's exhibiting are exactly like those of my ex. The rush to get married, the numerous gifts, the multiple phone calls per day, the relentless pursuit, the pricess treatment, the unexpected anger, the lie, etc. Unfortunately, I fell for all of the good stuff and dismissed all of the bad stuff and married him. It was the single biggest mistake of my life and it lead to abuse. Do not marry this guy any time soon. If you must, continue dating him, but his facade is unravelling, and I think if you take your time, and are not swept away by his grandiose gestures, you will see that he is not the man you thought he was. I'm sorry, but I do not want to see you hurt again.
Thank you. Huge hugs, Dee. It took this thread to put me at the 100% mark. I was up all night pondering what to do and just had to gather opinions and thoughts here. Started a thread here Sunday night, but I stopped writing it because I wanted to see what would transpire over the next day.
Quote:
Originally Posted by pitt_transplant
Have you asked him why he thought that was the appropriate way to respond?
No, Pitt, we have not called each other at all since he hung up Sunday. Knowing him, if I ask him that, he will go on the defensive and spat again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Norm24x7
Jeep i see u're totally put off by this guy ..as read by your posts .. u're pushing it too hard dear .. theres no point in discussing it here if u've already made up your mind ..
It took this thread to see things a bit more clearly than when I typed it up. When I typed it up, my head was sore and spinning from thinking all night. Every thought started to become mish-moshed together. Now I am just mish. No mosh.
Quote:
Originally Posted by typhoidmary
The persistent emails when they separated, the extreme pressure to marry NOW NOW NOW even if his own kids can't come to the wedding, the eruptions of temper....yeah, I'm beginning to think this guy is mad as pants
His suggesting to just "go and do it" and leave our kids out of it is what *really* surprised me. His daughter is extremely important to him, and she really wants to be there, I was perplexed on how that even lost value and substance to him. I had to remind him each time that they both want to be there. I was not quite grasping "why" I had to keep reminding him of this. It was weird.
To me it sounded as though he's had some bottled up frustration that finally came out in one awkward phone call. Your unwillingness to enter into a covenant marriage, your refusal to get married right away, and his false interpretation of the V-Day phone call finally pushed the meltdown button. In his mind he may have thought he was making all the right moves.
Difficult to say what's really going on in his head. Especially since you only see one another sparingly due to his travel. You've known him for a year and a half, in that time has he shared anything about previous relationships, how they ended and why? Has he demonstrated any sort of questionable behavior towards his own family, if so, you could be on the receiving end next. What are the odds he's stringing along another girl or two around the country? He's gone 250 days a year, could be there's a woman or two stashed in various towns. Maybe one of them got him angry and he took it out on you?
I wouldn't call off the wedding over one display of misguided anger. I would postpone it until you had some more time to let this thing breath. Next time you two speak, hopefully face to face, let him know how you felt and what your concerns are, lay it all on the line.
What I'm curious about is, if he's such a great catch, then why hasn't someone snatched him up closer to home? You guys live almost 3,000 miles apart correct? Him in AZ, you in FL, why couldn't he find someone closer to home? By not living together, the two of you do not have the opportunity to get to know what really makes one another tick. You don't have time enough together to learn one another's quirks, bad habits, and breaking points. The time you spend together is quality time, like a vacation, and it seems neither of you have been put to the test by having to be bound to one another day in day out. His frequent traveling keeps things fresh before it has a chance to fizzle out. What happens when the travel stops?
Just some things to ponder Jeep. Hope it all works out. Just take it one day at a time.
These are good points...
You will never get to know someone over the phone...over the internet or what ever other form of techno devices are out there.
You have to be there face to face. I agree with the fact that he is so far away makes it hard to be together.
Another point is you mentioned he is overweight. Maybe he thinks you will change your mind about marrying him because of it.
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