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Old 02-17-2010, 08:03 AM
 
Location: Back in MADISON Wi thank God!
1,047 posts, read 3,983,656 times
Reputation: 1419

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I think she is realizing that her feelings are not really about this one particular man. It goes much deeper than that. Like many women,she married maybe too young, didn't choose wisely, does not like who her husband has become, she has grown and changed in her expectations and desires and wants. She is unhappy in her current situation. I agree with others that say do not have an affair with this, or any man. Figure out what you want to do about YOUR life, YOUR marriage. Make a decision to either move on or get help in your marriage. You are looking for answers in the wrong places. Going to bed with another man will not change your situation, it would only complicate things for the worst.
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Old 02-17-2010, 08:19 AM
 
Location: in the good ol' South
865 posts, read 2,428,033 times
Reputation: 880
BrumMom, I know that feeling. Been married a long time, have kids, not feeling that "love thing" with the hubby.....and along comes someone who all of a sudden lights up that fire that you almost forgot about. And it's an intense feeling, and you want that so badly that you're willing to make some bad decisions, b/c you won't get caught (prob. not anyway). Let me tell you from experience (been there, done that) - it will feel good for just a little bit, but it will make so many other things so much worse.

To elaborate - You have this fling, and it's everything you thought it would be and more. Now what? Now he goes back to England, and you two are madly texting/emailing, trying to keep it a secret from your spouses. You check your texts constantly, to see if a message came in, and you're so excited when it does. And when it doesn't, you're thinking, "What's going on? Is he with his wife?" And everytime a message comes in, you have to quickly read it, and then erase it, so no one else gets to it.

In the meantime, your relationship with your dh deteriorates even further. Now that you know what your lover's touch can/does do for you, you want your dh even less than you did before. You pull away, you get testy with him, you turn into a shrew, b/c you feel like you are "supposed" to be with Sir England, but instead, you're here with Mr. Old and Boring, and this just isn't what you had planned for your life.

At some point, something will give. Either your relationship with Sir England, or your marriage. Yes, some people can carry affairs for many yrs without anyone knowing. But I think that anyone with a genuine heart, will start putting all their love and affection in one basket. You may think that you can have a "one time fling" and be done with it. But only if you are a callous, heartless person, could you do that. And if you have a loving heart, beware, b/c all the things that I've written (and so so much more) will come to pass, and your heart will be in more pain than you can ever remember, and it won't have been worth quenching that burn b/t your legs. Trust me.
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Old 02-17-2010, 09:55 AM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
8,775 posts, read 11,878,841 times
Reputation: 11485
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrumMom View Post
I have no illusions that he would leave his wife for me and I wouldn't want or ask him to. This would be ridiculous with him living in England and me in the US and I would never move back to England with my kids so young and take them so far away from their dad. Nope, I'm in the US for the long haul like it or not (I do love the US btw). But I can't help thinking how easy it would be to start an affair. An occassional thing with no strings.
Here's a thought for you...sometimes the fantasy of something is much more fun and exciting than the 'real deal'. What if you DID get with this guy and the experience was a real dud? Would that help to eradicate him from your mind? Maybe, but then you'd be a for real cheater and it just might not be worth the angst you might feel for doing it.
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Old 02-17-2010, 10:09 AM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 17,357,275 times
Reputation: 8075
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrumMom View Post
OK, I need someone to tell me what the hell I'm thinking here. I have a coworker who lives in England (I am English but live in Seattle) and am married with children. He is also married (no children). We work for the same software company and maybe see each other 3 or 4 times a year. I have always been attracted to this guy and I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual. He is funny and smart and even though he's not classically good-looking, he makes my knees buckle and when he's around he's the only person in the room. Usually we just flirt and go our own separate ways. But last time we were together a few months back the flirting got more intense (to the point where coworkers started to raise their eyebrows) and his suggestive remarks and innuendos suddenly took on a serious kind of undertone. I found myself seeking him out and even volunteered for extra work assignments just because I knew he would be in the same vicinity. It's hard to explain, but something shifted in me from just thinking he was cute to becoming rather obsessed. I really feel like the next time we meet in the summer I might end up in bed with him, or at the very least tell him how I really feel. Someone please tell me I'm an idiot, a selfish person. Delusional.
PLEASE. DON'T DO IT. Please, I'm begging you to trust me.

You are not an idiot, selfish or delisional. You are someone who is lacking something in your marriage.
This is not the road you want to take. You can potentially hurt many people in the process and for what? Couple of hours of what probably will be unsatisfying sex anyway.
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Old 02-17-2010, 10:13 AM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
5,077 posts, read 14,623,536 times
Reputation: 3784
Given your current situation with your hubby and the porn issue. You are already in a vulnerable spot. It's natural for you to feel the way you are feeling towards this guy because as women, it's human nature to pull away from a bad situation and go towards what makes us feel good. But, this has adultery written all over it. You need to first straighten out the issues in your marriage before you do something you will regret and trust me, you will regret it if you do something with this other guy.
Your actions will cause a ripple effect that you have no control over and if you think things are bad now, just wait. So, before you go and do something, thing long and hard about it. A few moments of what may seem like a heavenly reprieve for you will destroy you from the inside out.
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Old 02-17-2010, 10:31 AM
 
Location: My Private Island
4,941 posts, read 8,314,311 times
Reputation: 12283
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrumMom View Post
I think I do have some tough decisions to make. I married a man much older than me at a time in my life when I needed stability and a way forward. I rushed into marriage. Then I grew up, changed a lot, got a career and personality and realized that I can take care of myself. My husband recently suggested after a big argument that I should move out and be by myself as that's what I seemed to want. But I didn't have the heart or the courage to say that he might be right. And what would my kids do? They adore their dad.

This is the part that bothers me the most. You basically used your husband to get where you wanted to be in life and now he's no longer "on your level" "old" "boring". How would you feel if it was the other way around?

Now this other man comes along and you've created this "fantasy" about how he "gets" you and the two of you have so much more in common. Well, how do you know he doesn't have a wife at home that is thinking the same way about him as you are about your husband?

If you were to do a poll of all the married people who had affiars, I am sure you would find most say 1) It wasn't worth it 2) It didn't last because the person turned out to be just as real as what they already had...just different.

Somewhere you and your husband have had a disconnect. If you really love him then focus your energy on him and making your relationship better. You are willing to jump over hell and high water to be with this other man....why not do it for the man that has stood by your side and helped you become the woman you are today?

At the end of the day, you are a grown woman and will do what you want but you are also going to have to ask yourself.......is it worth it?
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Old 02-17-2010, 10:35 AM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 17,357,275 times
Reputation: 8075
Quote:
Originally Posted by seeniorita View Post
This is the part that bothers me the most. You basically used your husband to get where you wanted to be in life and now he's no longer "on your level" "old" "boring". How would you feel if it was the other way around?

Now this other man comes along and you've created this "fantasy" about how he "gets" you and the two of you have so much more in common. Well, how do you know he doesn't have a wife at home that is thinking the same way about him as you are about your husband?

If you were to do a poll of all the married people who had affiars, I am sure you would find most say 1) It wasn't worth it 2) It didn't last because the person turned out to be just as real as what they already had...just different.

Somewhere you and your husband have had a disconnect. If you really love him then focus your energy on him and making your relationship better. You are willing to jump over hell and high water to be with this other man....why not do it for the man that has stood by your side and helped you become the woman you are today?

At the end of the day, you are a grown woman and will do what you want but you are also going to have to ask yourself.......is it worth it?
Amen Seeniorita.
Everything you just said is spot on.
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Old 02-17-2010, 09:37 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, TN
8,002 posts, read 18,584,172 times
Reputation: 12357
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
You know, anybody who's ever been married knows that temptation can come around. This is especially the case during those times when things aren't so fun in your marriage. When you don't see eye-to-eye. When your life is a seeming treadmill of work, chores, and dealing with the kids. Those are the times when you are most vulnerable.

But you need to realize what a destructive act this will be. Don't do it. And, remember this, this is a guy who would cheat on his wife to be with you. And when a person leaves his wife to marry his mistress, all he's doing is creating a job opening.
Great advice above.

To the OP - But since I'm feeling rather generous tonight, if you think about the above statement from CPG and still are feeling the feeling, go rent the movie Same Time Next Year and go get your Englishman on the next trip!
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Old 02-17-2010, 10:07 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,489,477 times
Reputation: 40198
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrumMom View Post
OK, I need someone to tell me what the hell I'm thinking here. I have a coworker who lives in England (I am English but live in Seattle) and am married with children. He is also married (no children). We work for the same software company and maybe see each other 3 or 4 times a year. I have always been attracted to this guy and I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual. He is funny and smart and even though he's not classically good-looking, he makes my knees buckle and when he's around he's the only person in the room. Usually we just flirt and go our own separate ways. But last time we were together a few months back the flirting got more intense (to the point where coworkers started to raise their eyebrows) and his suggestive remarks and innuendos suddenly took on a serious kind of undertone. I found myself seeking him out and even volunteered for extra work assignments just because I knew he would be in the same vicinity. It's hard to explain, but something shifted in me from just thinking he was cute to becoming rather obsessed. I really feel like the next time we meet in the summer I might end up in bed with him, or at the very least tell him how I really feel. Someone please tell me I'm an idiot, a selfish person. Delusional.
What is going on in your life at home to make you so self-distructive?
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Old 02-17-2010, 10:09 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,489,477 times
Reputation: 40198
Quote:
Originally Posted by Antlered Chamataka View Post
Wait, I remember you!

Husband addicted to porn and Playboy

Is that having an adverse effect on you, kind of pushing you to drift away

Ah....now I see what is going on at home

Somebody in this marriage needs to step up and be a hero, but both are tending to want to be zero's - it's sad.
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