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And she needs to learn how to give him affection instead of assuming he "knows" she loves him.
A relationship is a two way street. It took TWO to break it, it will take TWO to make it work. He can't be the only one making changes or it won't work.
I have to agree with you CESPeed. Of course it is a 2 way street.
That is why I advise Hoper to focus on changing himself first. Once he does that, he will see her with new lens. He may or may not even wish to go back to her once he becomes healthy.
If she does the same thing of working on herself, she will also go thru this experience. Ultimately, it takes 2 healthy people to make a relationship healthy. Therefore, whether or not they can get back together is completely inconsequential at this point. That is an outcome that cannot be controlled.
Get healthy, and make healthy decisions from there. It WILL work out no matter what!
You have to figure out why you're so insecure/short of confidence. Did you finish school (does your wife have a higher level of education than you)? Does your wife come from a background that's different than yours (does her family have more money than yours)? What makes you think that you're not good enough? Until you're honest about why you behave that way, you're never going to be able to change it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hope1er
I am jealous and controlling and my wife is tired of it. She left me a couple of weeks ago and I have started counseling for my problem, things are going very well for me I just don't want to be this way anymore. it is frustrating I cant seem to stop myself when I get jealous, the interrogating and suspicion I hate it. My beutiful wife has never done anything to me and all i have done is pushed her away! my counselor says that i am insecure and the reason i am jealous is because of the fear that someone better thatn me is going to sweep her off her feet. I dont believe that i am good enough. that is so true, i don't I always feel that i have to prove myself to her and when I feel threatened i start up with the interrogations! it has become a darn broken record. My wife is great i know she love me but i need to change if there is any chance for my marriage. we have been together for many years now and i have been doing the same destructive behavior for a long time I am tired, and i know that she is also.
I believe my insecurity comes from my childhood, you see I guess I was neglected as a child, no I was neglected as a child, my father left my family when I was around nine, I remember the day he left as if it were yesterday, the feelings that I felt I remember telling him that I wanted to go with him and him telling me no. My mom is a very strong woman and when my father left I remember her staying in her room for days only to get up to work and make dinner. My father left her with all the responsabilities, the house the bills the food everything, with all the problems my mother had it didn't take long for me to figure out that I didn't want to add to them. I have an older sibling that was very high maintenance and to me it didn't seem to matter what problems my mom had their needs were more important, I also had a younger sibling that was a toddler and of course her needs were far more important than mine. I just figured things out in my own I never really understood why dad left I would wait at night and think and hope that he would walk through the front door and he would fix everything, I had these high expectations of him that he would surprise me on my birthday and take me out of school and take me to lunch we would have a great day and I can tell all of my friends what a great dad I had,I would create these fantasys in my head of how things could be. It never happened. Cold hard truth, It didn't help that I was the fat kid in my class, wow the names i was called as a kid, There is nothing meaner, nastier, uglier than an elementary school girl! I would be made fun of on a daily basis, but I would go along with it and I would even make fun of myself so that everyone would see that it didn't bother me and eventually it would stop, for a few months and then it would happen all over again, it wasn't until jr. High when I went through puberty that i began to change, i thinned out and looking back at my Jr. and High school pictures I was a very good looking kid. I think back to those days and I never saw myself as a good looking guy I always saw myself as that short fat kid in elementary school. I never saw my value. You see as a kid, teenager, adult I have always been the kid that everybody could depend on, I was the son that NEVER brought home problems I am the brother that can fix anything, I am the employee that is never asked to do his job, I am always trying to please everybody. I surprise my kids at school with lunch, I have taken my sons out of school on their birthdays and treated them to lunch and a movie, so that they can brag to their friends about me. I am constantly looking for acceptance. This is the baggage I brought into the marriage. I married at eighteen, my wife was seventeen, that is when we had our first child. I know we we're young, we have had our problems but we handled them. I am very affectionate towards my wife, their was a time were i was not so jealous and controlling, It has gotten worse as i got older, you see i am worried that i am not good enough, I understand that my wife is not affectionate or loving, she is not good at expressing her feelings, I am not positively reassured of her love, she says I should just know. Okay I know i should but man it would be nice to feel a random hug from the back, or a hidden note in my coat pocket saying "i appreciate you" but their I go again, that nine year old dreaming up high expectations. the thing is that I know I don't deserve those kind of things from her because of the way I have treated her for years, I don't know I just want to give up sometimes I have to many problems.
In an abusive relationship, it is NOT a two way street, and it does NOT take two to break it.
It takes one to break it, the abuser.
I'm afraid the OP will require to make the lion's share of the changes to allow his wife to trust him again, if he shows any controlling behaviour at all, he won't see her for dust.
This time she might just take the kids, because although she's "trying again", if she has any sense, she's also refining her escape strategy in case everything goes wrong again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CESpeed
A relationship is a two way street. It took TWO to break it, it will take TWO to make it work. He can't be the only one making changes or it won't work.
Have a read of this, CE, Please ? I am a little concerned that although you are plainly trying to help, you may just be approaching it in the wrong manner.
I used to have an opinion like you, and, even now, sometimes it is hard not to judge as an outsider, but knowledge helps you at least seem impartial, even if your mind has judged.
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Victim/Why_dont_they_just_leave.pdf (broken link)
Anyone else who's having doubts, and, Hope1er, it won't do you any harm to read this either, because it will give an idea of how things are from the other side of the fence.
I believe my insecurity comes from my childhood, you see I guess I was neglected as a child, no I was neglected as a child, my father left my family when I was around nine, I remember the day he left as if it were yesterday, the feelings that I felt I remember telling him that I wanted to go with him and him telling me no. My mom is a very strong woman and when my father left I remember her staying in her room for days only to get up to work and make dinner. My father left her with all the responsabilities, the house the bills the food everything, with all the problems my mother had it didn't take long for me to figure out that I didn't want to add to them. I have an older sibling that was very high maintenance and to me it didn't seem to matter what problems my mom had their needs were more important, I also had a younger sibling that was a toddler and of course her needs were far more important than mine. I just figured things out in my own I never really understood why dad left I would wait at night and think and hope that he would walk through the front door and he would fix everything, I had these high expectations of him that he would surprise me on my birthday and take me out of school and take me to lunch we would have a great day and I can tell all of my friends what a great dad I had,I would create these fantasys in my head of how things could be. It never happened. Cold hard truth, It didn't help that I was the fat kid in my class, wow the names i was called as a kid, There is nothing meaner, nastier, uglier than an elementary school girl! I would be made fun of on a daily basis, but I would go along with it and I would even make fun of myself so that everyone would see that it didn't bother me and eventually it would stop, for a few months and then it would happen all over again, it wasn't until jr. High when I went through puberty that i began to change, i thinned out and looking back at my Jr. and High school pictures I was a very good looking kid. I think back to those days and I never saw myself as a good looking guy I always saw myself as that short fat kid in elementary school. I never saw my value. You see as a kid, teenager, adult I have always been the kid that everybody could depend on, I was the son that NEVER brought home problems I am the brother that can fix anything, I am the employee that is never asked to do his job, I am always trying to please everybody. I surprise my kids at school with lunch, I have taken my sons out of school on their birthdays and treated them to lunch and a movie, so that they can brag to their friends about me. I am constantly looking for acceptance. This is the baggage I brought into the marriage. I married at eighteen, my wife was seventeen, that is when we had our first child. I know we we're young, we have had our problems but we handled them. I am very affectionate towards my wife, their was a time were i was not so jealous and controlling, It has gotten worse as i got older, you see i am worried that i am not good enough, I understand that my wife is not affectionate or loving, she is not good at expressing her feelings, I am not positively reassured of her love, she says I should just know. Okay I know i should but man it would be nice to feel a random hug from the back, or a hidden note in my coat pocket saying "i appreciate you" but their I go again, that nine year old dreaming up high expectations. the thing is that I know I don't deserve those kind of things from her because of the way I have treated her for years, I don't know I just want to give up sometimes I have to many problems.
Honestly, could your wife have ever done "enough" to make you feel loved? I hear what you're saying...I really do, but with your "insecurities" eating at you constantly, it highly likely that nothing, no amount of affection, ever would have been "enough" to prove her love for you. That is something that has to come from within.
She married you. She stayed with you. You were a pampering father (from your words), which clearly made you the favorite parent. This simply fed her own insecurities. Not only has your wife been made to feel like she's not "doing enough" for you, but could never measure up to you as far as her children are concerned. Does that make sense to you? Please know that I am not attacking you in any way....or putting you down, but if the shoes were on the other feet, do you understand how that would make you feel?
When you're with someone who you just can't make happy, there comes a point where you simply back off....give up. Why try anymore? "He'll never believe it anyway." This has taken many, many years to build up...this hopelessness on her part. It can be completely exhausting, constantly trying to make someone else happy. Eventually, you realize that it's up to that person to be happy on their own...you can not MAKE someone be happy. You can not MAKE someone trust you. You figure that out after awhile. Maybe she's tired.....tired of trying to "make" you trust her, trying to make you happy.....and resigned to the fact that you're never going to BE happy. She's failed for so many years that she's miserable and depressed BECAUSE she failed to be "good enough"...and now she wants to just find some happiness....something to make her feel like she's succeeded in something...so that she can finally feel happy about herself.
Yeah, I know it's a book, but it's from my heart...I hope it reaches yours.
I believe him when he says he wants help.
It may be too late for this relationship, but time will tell.
It takes a long time for the victim to fully recover, some never recover fully, and this will bring new challenges to an already deeply troubled relationship.
Again, if she's not receiving counselling, I'd urge it very strongly.
Although the OP needs to change his behaviour most, his wife will also require to "cut him a little slack" while he recovers, it won't happen overnight.
Exactly how much slack there is will be dependent on exactly how bad the abuse was.
If she was to be 100% intolerant to jealousy, manipulation, or controlling behaviour, I'm not sure she could be blamed after suffering it for so long.
I'm not sure from his posts there's much direct danger to the children, with the exception of subliminal influencing, but we all set examples to our kids we hope they won't follow.
As I said earlier in the thread, if his wife felt the kids were under any threat, she would surely have removed them.
So long as he learns to stop, and analyze situations logically before acting, he has a chance. It's also important for him to learn to listen to what people say, whether it's good, bad, or indifferent. If he can do this, he can do it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by virgode
This man is so far gone no one here will reach him..he doesn't want help.
These kids belong in the care of child protective services, he can try to control them and see how far he gets.
To the OP: Now that you have found the root of your problem you can fix your problem. Continue to give yourself time and I'm positive you will become the man you hope to. I'm sure that if you've shared this with us, you've shared it with your wife and her knowing what the problem is can help her better understand you and what you need to help you shed the insecurities that formed in your childhood.
What you've shared here is a major break-through and you should be very proud of yourself for all of the deep soul searching that was necessary to be able to put everything together so eloquently. Perhaps now your wife will dig deep into her soul as well and share the roots of her inability to outwardly show affection.
The two of you are on a great road to recovery. Keep up the great work!
There's mental health issues here, I could barely get through the posts.
These kids have been through the worst of it..the damage is done...so he uses his own childhood issues as an excuse and passed his traumatized childhood on..like a family legacy.
These kids need therapy as well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman
I believe him when he says he wants help.
It may be too late for this relationship, but time will tell.
It takes a long time for the victim to fully recover, some never recover fully, and this will bring new challenges to an already deeply troubled relationship.
Again, if she's not receiving counselling, I'd urge it very strongly.
Although the OP needs to change his behaviour most, his wife will also require to "cut him a little slack" while he recovers, it won't happen overnight.
Exactly how much slack there is will be dependent on exactly how bad the abuse was.
If she was to be 100% intolerant to jealousy, manipulation, or controlling behaviour, I'm not sure she could be blamed after suffering it for so long.
I'm not sure from his posts there's much direct danger to the children, with the exception of subliminal influencing, but we all set examples to our kids we hope they won't follow.
As I said earlier in the thread, if his wife felt the kids were under any threat, she would surely have removed them.
So long as he learns to stop, and analyze situations logically before acting, he has a chance. It's also important for him to learn to listen to what people say, whether it's good, bad, or indifferent. If he can do this, he can do it.
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