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It's a work in progress, get yourself one of those wrist bands ppl wear when they're trying to quit smoking..everytime you feel that urge to blurt out something that's going to shoot yourself in the foot..snap the wrist band. I"m joking though..Congratulations.
I went to a party last night with my wife and kids, she met me there, i controlled myself and only once did I start with the questions but was quickly met with a defensive comment from her that made me stop. I did realize that I do control MY situation, my comments and actions control my outcome, after that happened I quickly pulled myself together and told myelf TO STOP! when i did that I turned what could have been a short night into a great night. She was only going to stay for a couple of hours and she ended up staying un til the party wa over, we talked, danced, laughed, we had a good time and at the end of the evening my boys and I walked her to her car, and instead of me acting like an idiot and saying something to ruin the entire evening i simply hugge her and gave her a peck and said be careful, asked her if she wanted to go to church with us in the morning and she said she would text me, I said okay and left.. I did nothing to ruin my night. I had a small victory. I did realize a few things last night, I realized that I have alot to work on but that it is possible. I realized that it may seem to late to fix things but if I focus on myself and not on the relationship things can be different. I focused on MY actions last night and my night went very good. Today i woke up with NO REGRETS and it feels great.
Congratulations on this victory. Celebrate every win, no matter how small. This is a big one though.
Progress is not a series of giant leaps, but a mix of both, mostly small wins. Little by little you are replacing old behavior with new, developing positive habits and kicking bad ones.
Your FOCUS was what made the difference. Instead of focusing on her and what she is doing or saying, you are focusing on what YOU are saying and doing. You are taking responsibility for your thoughts, words, feelings, and actions. BRAVO.
People who blame others for their feelings are people who abdicate responsibility. Blaming creates anger. Blaming never works, and it also keeps you stagnant and prevents any positive change or growth. Continue taking responsibility for yourself and changes are inevitable.
I say celebrate every victory only because doing so keeps you optimistic. There are enough bumps and challenges along the way,so if there's a reason to be happy, this is one of them!
Remember, you are doing this not for HER, because SHE is responsible for HER thoughts, words, feelings, and actions. You have to do this for YOUR OWN BENEFIT.
Wow, I'd definitely say that is a personal victory for you, OP. There's a lot to learn from in this thread. I need to print out the previous post and tape it to my wall. Seriously.
Remember how good you feel as you write this post, and think of that if you're having a bad day, or feel like giving up.
This feeling is what makes it all worthwhile, and it's great to feel like this all the time.
You're doing well, it's nice she could tell you and you listened. You will need to work together to fix it.
Keep up the good work.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hope1er
I went to a party last night with my wife and kids, she met me there, i controlled myself and only once did I start with the questions but was quickly met with a defensive comment from her that made me stop. I did realize that I do control MY situation, my comments and actions control my outcome, after that happened I quickly pulled myself together and told myelf TO STOP! when i did that I turned what could have been a short night into a great night. She was only going to stay for a couple of hours and she ended up staying un til the party wa over, we talked, danced, laughed, we had a good time and at the end of the evening my boys and I walked her to her car, and instead of me acting like an idiot and saying something to ruin the entire evening i simply hugge her and gave her a peck and said be careful, asked her if she wanted to go to church with us in the morning and she said she would text me, I said okay and left.. I did nothing to ruin my night. I had a small victory. I did realize a few things last night, I realized that I have alot to work on but that it is possible. I realized that it may seem to late to fix things but if I focus on myself and not on the relationship things can be different. I focused on MY actions last night and my night went very good. Today i woke up with NO REGRETS and it feels great.
Hey Virgode I got a band and my wrist are now swollen THANKS ALOT!! LOL, not really just kidding....... Things are slow and I am happy with that, she hasn't called and it has become easier for me to accept, this post has helped me alot and I will keep posting I am going to start a new thread soon. As soon as I know what direction i am going to go into, you see I have started to think a little clearer now, I am starting to realize alot about myself. Yes I am jealous and controlling, and I know that it is wrong, but I have been living in fear for a long time always thinking that she would leave me or get tired of me, I had no faith in love, my understanding of what love is has been all wrong, Love is not about showing affection everyday and being told I LOVE YOU everytime I hang up the phone, Love is trusting and valueing your spouse, knowing that no matter who she talked to today or who texted or called her or who she smiled at or ate lunch with, that their heart belongs to you and at the end of the day she wants to come home to me. I married young and I never understood that I didn't value my wife. I think that this marriage is not going to make it, after talking to her she has alot of hurt and I don't blame her. i have heard people say that they had to do alot of "seoul searching" and i never really understood that before, but now I do. I have learned alot in these last three months, I have learned about my faith in God, what love should be, how important communication is, how jealousy is poison, I am on a quest for myself, this is going to be hard but I am going to make it through "this shall pass",things could be worse. Today I am good,I have to decide for myself, My wife will make her own decision and so do I. I will start a new thread that will help in whatever new direction my life goes through, I will either start a new thread that will be a new journey in life with my wife, or a new thread that will be a journey alone. Either way I will be happy with it.
Hey Virgode I got a band and my wrist are now swollen THANKS ALOT!! LOL, not really just kidding....... Things are slow and I am happy with that, she hasn't called and it has become easier for me to accept, this post has helped me alot and I will keep posting I am going to start a new thread soon. As soon as I know what direction i am going to go into, you see I have started to think a little clearer now, I am starting to realize alot about myself. Yes I am jealous and controlling, and I know that it is wrong, but I have been living in fear for a long time always thinking that she would leave me or get tired of me, I had no faith in love, my understanding of what love is has been all wrong, Love is not about showing affection everyday and being told I LOVE YOU everytime I hang up the phone, Love is trusting and valueing your spouse, knowing that no matter who she talked to today or who texted or called her or who she smiled at or ate lunch with, that their heart belongs to you and at the end of the day she wants to come home to me. I married young and I never understood that I didn't value my wife. I think that this marriage is not going to make it, after talking to her she has alot of hurt and I don't blame her. i have heard people say that they had to do alot of "seoul searching" and i never really understood that before, but now I do. I have learned alot in these last three months, I have learned about my faith in God, what love should be, how important communication is, how jealousy is poison, I am on a quest for myself, this is going to be hard but I am going to make it through "this shall pass",things could be worse. Today I am good,I have to decide for myself, My wife will make her own decision and so do I. I will start a new thread that will help in whatever new direction my life goes through, I will either start a new thread that will be a new journey in life with my wife, or a new thread that will be a journey alone. Either way I will be happy with it.
Hope1er,
It sounds like you're really learning about love. That is so GREAT! You sound so much "healthier" in this post. I know that there will be some who slam this next statement....but I really don't care. Your comment about learning about your faith in God, really hits home for me. Yes, you can learn a lot about yourself and love through your faith in God. For that matter "faith" is key. Faith my friend that all things will work out as they are meant to be. We can control our destinies, to a certain extent, at least certain aspects of it. Faith in others as well as yourself are very important. Have a good day my friend....and keep the faith!
Great idea to start a journal of sorts on the forum, it will help you as well as others who come to the forum with the same issue.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hope1er
Hey Virgode I got a band and my wrist are now swollen THANKS ALOT!! LOL, not really just kidding....... Things are slow and I am happy with that, she hasn't called and it has become easier for me to accept, this post has helped me alot and I will keep posting I am going to start a new thread soon. As soon as I know what direction i am going to go into, you see I have started to think a little clearer now, I am starting to realize alot about myself. Yes I am jealous and controlling, and I know that it is wrong, but I have been living in fear for a long time always thinking that she would leave me or get tired of me, I had no faith in love, my understanding of what love is has been all wrong, Love is not about showing affection everyday and being told I LOVE YOU everytime I hang up the phone, Love is trusting and valueing your spouse, knowing that no matter who she talked to today or who texted or called her or who she smiled at or ate lunch with, that their heart belongs to you and at the end of the day she wants to come home to me. I married young and I never understood that I didn't value my wife. I think that this marriage is not going to make it, after talking to her she has alot of hurt and I don't blame her. i have heard people say that they had to do alot of "seoul searching" and i never really understood that before, but now I do. I have learned alot in these last three months, I have learned about my faith in God, what love should be, how important communication is, how jealousy is poison, I am on a quest for myself, this is going to be hard but I am going to make it through "this shall pass",things could be worse. Today I am good,I have to decide for myself, My wife will make her own decision and so do I. I will start a new thread that will help in whatever new direction my life goes through, I will either start a new thread that will be a new journey in life with my wife, or a new thread that will be a journey alone. Either way I will be happy with it.
I think all of us are co-dependent to an extent.
It doesn't automatically mean it's a bad thing, if it fits with your partner, it's not a problem.
Word of caution tho, don't self-diagnose.
By all means, mention to your counsellor/therapist that you've been reading about it, but let them make the decisions.
To illustrate, the symptoms of a Hiatus hernia are incredibly similar to those of a heart attack.
People read a book, or online, and think they're dying, then, call an ambulance, where they're rushed to hospital, put on monitors etc...........
Then given antacids and sent home.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hope1er
I'm codependent.........that sucks huh. i read the description and i meet the criteria, i think i just found my next thread topic. I am in trouble.
Yeah your right I'm just paranoid now,,, I'm just getting paranoid now, I need to leave things alone for now. I have an appointment with a new counselor I didn't like the first one. I will mention it at my appointment.
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