Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Actually, unless he's totally psycho, he's just as likely to break down in tears and play for sympathy,as he is to attack strangers.
He may want to prove what a great guy he is, and how sorry he is, and all that crap !
But, yes, I'm with everyone else, if possible, try to do it when you know he's not there. If nothing else, I'm guessing they lived together, so now she's not there, it's "his" house, so be aware of the legal position of you going into someone's house to retrieve belongings.
I'd suggest that if you think he might be there, to ask politely if you can colllect some of your friend's belongings. Don't engage in conversation you don't have to.
If he agrees, you can ask him to throw her clothes in a bag, then you don't need to go in.
If he says no, don't engage in an argument, just walk away.
Same goes if you're in the house, and it turns "sinister". Just walk away.
I'm not saying this because i think he'll suddenly start beating on you, but I don't know what the legal system's like in Turkey, but normally, as soon as you start making threats, then your case is destroyed. You have to be super nice, even if you wish they'd just die.
If she doesn't accept my offer to loan the money for more clothes I am going to follow this advice. He is the sort that behaves in a lovely manner with outsiders. He followed her to Istanbul (hence why she sold her house), but she was with friends and he was sweeter than sweet to them and her. I have a feeling he'll be the same with me and whomever I bring. Luckily he does not have keys to the house, he is just lurking around according to the neighbors. If we do it we are aiming for 6 am or so, when he is likely not to be around.
There is nothing more dangerous than an abuser who has nothing left to lose. He may have a history or pouring on the sugar, but once these people see that they are losing control of the situation, they'll often switch gears and it can get pretty scary.
I know it would be a huge strain on her to have to go there and face him again, but I'd recommend you stay out of it. If you must go, bring the police with you. It is always best to have witnesses and documentation in this type of deal anyway. But he could retaliate later on when you least expect it.
Last edited by PassTheChocolate; 02-19-2010 at 06:01 AM..
There is nothing more dangerous than an abuser who has nothing left to lose. He may have a history or pouring on the sugar, but once these people see that they are losing control of the situation, they'll often switch gears and it can get pretty scary.
I know it would be a huge strain on her to have to go there and face him again, but I'd recommend you stay out of it. If you must go, bring the police with you. It is always best to have witnesses and documentation in this type of deal anyway. But he could retailliate later on when you least expect it.
I just don't have the heart to leave her to face this on her own. Some of her supposed friends neglected to inform her that he beat another woman a few years ago. When she asked why they did not tell her, they said, "You are a smart women. You should have figured it out." She is very much alone on this one.
I wish I could bring the police, but they would not come. This is one thing I definitely will not miss about living in Turkey. The good thing is I am leaving the country soon, so his retaliation window is small
Yeah, I dunno about Turkey, but certainly in the UK, the police aren't really interested in getting involved with domestic problems.
My g/f was having terrible trouble with her ex when we first got to know each other, and the police were as much use as a chocolate teapot.
All I can say Mary, so far as you friend goes, I left my abuser with not much more than the clothes I stood up in. Sure, it took a long time to rebuild, but you can always buy new clothes, you can't buy a new life.
After thinking about it, I'm going to stick with saying that you should only go if you're sure he won't be there.
That said, if he doesn't have keys to the house, then he has no business being there, and if you go in, and lock the doors behind you, if he tries to gain entry, or accosts you, that IS a matter for the police.
It might be an idea to talk to the police first, to tell them what you intend to do, and inform them of the possible risks, then, if anything happens, they'll know to respond immediately.
Perhaps your friend can have some influence if he's important, it's not what you know, it's who you know, after all !
Quote:
Originally Posted by typhoidmary
I just don't have the heart to leave her to face this on her own. Some of her supposed friends neglected to inform her that he beat another woman a few years ago. When she asked why they did not tell her, they said, "You are a smart women. You should have figured it out." She is very much alone on this one.
I wish I could bring the police, but they would not come. This is one thing I definitely will not miss about living in Turkey. The good thing is I am leaving the country soon, so his retaliation window is small
I just don't have the heart to leave her to face this on her own. Some of her supposed friends neglected to inform her that he beat another woman a few years ago. When she asked why they did not tell her, they said, "You are a smart women. You should have figured it out." She is very much alone on this one.
Some people are just so darned stupid, gawd, it is maddening.
Quote:
I wish I could bring the police, but they would not come. This is one thing I definitely will not miss about living in Turkey. The good thing is I am leaving the country soon, so his retaliation window is small
All it takes is a second. But I really hope it goes well.
Yeah, I dunno about Turkey, but certainly in the UK, the police aren't really interested in getting involved with domestic problems.
My g/f was having terrible trouble with her ex when we first got to know each other, and the police were as much use as a chocolate teapot.
Exactly. And here there is a tendency to excuse all sorts of crazy behavior from both gender if the person says they are doing it because they are "too in love" Some of the behaviors I've seen men and women exhibit....
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman
All I can say Mary, so far as you friend goes, I left my abuser with not much more than the clothes I stood up in. Sure, it took a long time to rebuild, but you can always buy new clothes, you can't buy a new life.
Which is why I hope she will put her pride aside and take my loan!
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman
After thinking about it, I'm going to stick with saying that you should only go if you're sure he won't be there.
That said, if he doesn't have keys to the house, then he has no business being there, and if you go in, and lock the doors behind you, if he tries to gain entry, or accosts you, that IS a matter for the police.
It might be an idea to talk to the police first, to tell them what you intend to do, and inform them of the possible risks, then, if anything happens, they'll know to respond immediately. Perhaps your friend can have some influence if he's important, it's not what you know, it's who you know, after all !
See, that is why I like posting here. Sometimes a solution is staring you in the face and you just don't see it until someone points it out! My the friend who I was going to ask to come with me is friends with one of the top cops in the national police. Something I totally forgot until now. I think he can arrange to have some police go to her place and grab what she needs. No fuss, no muss
However, after reading these responses, perhaps loaning her the money to buy new stuff is a better course to take?
I think that would be very wise. Also something you might not have considered is that he might use you to find/locate her. He could follow you to wherever you take her clothing.
Perhaps you know someone at work her size or near her size who might lend you some clothing.
Typhoidmary, I have no idea if there are stinging insects in Tr called wasps, but if there are, and you can buy wasp spray in a can that shoots a stream 20+ feet it works as well as mace. A few other hardware store items in a bag, makes protection a sort of simple thing.
You should know this as well as most any female should. It will stop most attackers 'Right Now', when sprayed in the face. It is cheap enough to throw away.
Call the local sheriff's dept and ask for an escort to retrieve her things. They are happy to just go and wait outside to head off any trouble. When dealing with irrational controlling people who are probably feeling very much out of control at the moment, it could be very dangerous for you to be there without some backup other than just a guy friend. I would NOT go without a deputy.
Excellent advice!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
She is very much alone on this one.
