Non-addicts: Would you date a recovering addict? (guy, attracted, family)

[Mightyqueen801]

Originally Posted by Coolhand68

I married one, I think they are more commonly known as nympho-maniacs. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

All kidding aside, I think there is a distinction between destructive behavior which is an addiction, and healthy obsession...not sure where a nymph falls in, but if a man knows what he's doing in the bedroom it can feed that obsession and at times can almost feel like a curse. Not usually, but sometimes.

With an addiction, someone alters their sense of right and wrong and it becomes dectructive or unhealthy. Again, there is a difference between having a healthy sex drive and an addiction. I think we are too quick to diagnose people as sex addicts in this country. The medical and mental health profession is cashing in big on this one.

Yes. Poor people don't seem to get diagnosed with sex addiction.

[Mightyqueen801]

Originally Posted by Onglet39

What would you think of a person who used to have a drug problem (something scary like cocaine, heroin, crystal meth etc) and they haven't used in over 10 years. Should they even bother to tell you, does it even matter at that point?

Possibly. If they used intravenously, there's a good chance they are carrying around Hep C, which can be passed to you through other body fluids.

[Nite Ryder]

No, never. There are too many sane people around with no baggage. I can't even think of a reason anyone would want to date an addict.

[seeniorita]

Originally Posted by tongpa-nyi

For those of you who have never had a problem with drug or alcohol addiction, would you feel OK about dating someone who had that problem in their history but had been free of it for at least a couple years? How long would they have to be sober before you'd be OK with it, if ever?

If you were able to get involved with a recovering addict/alcoholic, would you constantly worry about them relapsing?

Having dealt with addiction with some family members, I could not handle being involved with someone who was a recovering addict. I would always worry about the relapse issue because I've seen it happen all too often.

I do not want to deal with the emotional turmoil that comes from this issue.

[ChessieMom]

Originally Posted by Coolhand68

I think we are too quick to diagnose people as sex addicts in this country. The medical and mental health profession is cashing in big on this one.

Originally Posted by cpg35223

Or any addicts for that matter. Sometimes addiction is just a way to excuse good old-fashioned bad behavior.

Here here!! (Yelling my agreement enthusiastically!)

Oh...and my answer to the OP - no, I would not...for pretty much the same reasons stated by seenorita.

[OngletNYC]

Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801

Yes. Poor people don't seem to get diagnosed with sex addiction.

Poor people (and rich) with REAL sex addiction are arrested for having anonymous sex at the highway truck stop bathroom, for downloading kiddie porn and inappropriately rubbing up against a stranger on the subway. That's the REAL kind of sex of sex addiciton, going through great, irrational and disgusting lengths to get your orgasm.

Multiple affairs? Of course not - that's just to lay a guilt trip on family, spouse & friends in the hope they will excuse your bad behavior.

[tongpa-nyi]

Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801

However, I've noticed that the personality issues that accompany the addictive types always remain, whether they are active or sober. They usually have difficulty reading other people emotionally and have an inability to empathize with those around them. They often see the world only as relevant to themselves, not from another's POV. You can see this even when serious 12-steppers make their "amends". They apologize, but you can tell that they truly do not understand how or why the other person was affected by their behavior.

I would never presume to tell you what you have experienced or whether your observations are valid for you.

However, I have seen lives turned around dramatically through recovery. Merely going to meetings and working steps is not the whole story when one is on a path of recovery. It must involve a complete revolution of a person's psyche. I agree with you that recovering alcoholics/addicts rarely do achieve a thorough transformation, but those who do are extraordinary people who are role models even to the best of those who have never experienced addiction.

By going through addiction, we are confronted with all the character defects that were present prior to our addictive behavior. I would never have recognized how full of BS I was in the past were it not for my alcoholic phase. Being brought to the lowest place possible in my life, which culminated in my lying in a secluded cave, washing a few bottles of pills down the hatch with a pint of vodka, changed my life for the better.

I've been humbled beyond anything that was possible before. I now see how arrogant I was even during the years when I was adored by many people and I had a successful and admirable life. I aspire, through practicing the Steps and through my new Buddhist practice, to see clearly the way things actually are rather than imposing my self-centered interpretation on reality. I now have compassion for people toward whom I previously felt animosity. I'm more patient. If I'm in a hurry and the light turns red, I give thanks for the people for whom the light turned green on the other street. In every aspect of my life I seek to put others before myself.

The process is life-long and I'll never pretend to be better than you or anyone else. I caused tremendous harm through my past selfish behavior. The best I can do is to live in the present moment and cultivate a loving attitude towards others.

Please keep an open mind to the possibility that not all 12-steppers or others in recovery are as you've experienced. There are some gems out there who are making the world a better place even though they ruined lives in the past. People can change.

[Coolhand68]

Originally Posted by Onglet39

Poor people (and rich) with REAL sex addiction are arrested for having anonymous sex at the highway truck stop bathroom, for downloading kiddie porn and inappropriately rubbing up against a stranger on the subway. That's the REAL kind of sex of sex addiciton, going through great, irrational and disgusting lengths to get your orgasm.

Multiple affairs? Of course not - that's just to lay a guilt trip on family, spouse & friends in the hope they will excuse your bad behavior.

The examples in bold are good examples of sex addiction and deviance, I would say downloading kiddie porn is more a sexual dysfunction.

I remember 20 years ago the media jokingly put Wilt Chamberlain on a pedestal for claiming to have slept with somewhere between 10,000 and 20,000 women. Fast forward to today and we've got Tiger Woods going into sex rehab for having multiple partners while cheating on his wife. JFK was quietly praised for his affair with Marilyn Monroe and other mistresses, while Clinton was labeled a sex addict. While I realize times have changed, you have to ask yourself who is pulling the puppet strings. In most cases of self-admitted sex addiction, I believe it's a celebrities PR folks who try to do damage control by recommended rehab, whether it's for sex, drinking, gambling etc.

Often we see a celebrity who is caught with their pants down, literally and figuretively, and then it's off to rehab and that's supposed to make everything alright again. Sponsors will love you, the media will forgive you, and fans will sympathize with you. In Kobe Bryants case a $4 million diamond ring buys forgiveness from your wife too.

Too bad folks in the real world aren't given such a pass. Often when they have recovered from a "real" addiction, that is when the real challenges come into play in their lives. How to move forward and put their life back together again without the safety net of millions of dollars that celebrities have to cushion the blow.

There is a difference between someone who cheats on their spouse and sex addiction. The addiction part can lead to cheating, but the cheating isn't ordinarily a product of addiction.

[Mclaurin]

Originally Posted by tongpa-nyi

For those of you who have never had a problem with drug or alcohol addiction, would you feel OK about dating someone who had that problem in their history but had been free of it for at least a couple years? How long would they have to be sober before you'd be OK with it, if ever?


If you were able to get involved with a recovering addict/alcoholic, would you constantly worry about them relapsing?

At the risk of sounding like a redneck, well maybe I am...

Illegal drugs worse for me... in that they broke the law. Alcohol, it would depend on how severe and at what age. Maybe ditto for pot (not such a biggie..yet illegal) given the above. Something like heroin, I think never.

If I did want to consider this, first I would have to get to know this person for a long time. I would need to know I could trust and these folks can be pretty charming...so my advice would be to beware. Seems it could get sticky.

It would have to be one incredible person with a special circumstance. Like being held hostage. In my opinion, most people with these substance issues feel a negative specialness about themselves and that's why they do what they do. Perhaps this is often true, people have hard lives sometimes that they are born to. They would have to have processed that and come to some resolution. They would really need to have become special and stronger in a wonderful way. Not a b.s. way.

I must have my own boundary's though. I might think of it like a making the commitment to buy a needs repair house. Do an assessment. Will it cost more than it will be worth? Metaphorically speaking only here. Not implying anything about the intendeds income..etc. That's another conversation.

Having said all of that in the end, why bother getting embroiled? It better be worth it in my book. My instinct would usually be to pass. Life can be hard enough. Would this person truly improve your life more than an excessive neurotic psyche reflection way??? One must think of the children.

[OngletNYC]

Kiddie porn is dl'd by some people because they are pedophiles, but then some people (addicts) are sexual opportunists who just want to get off on something new. Today it's dogs having intercourse with women, tomorrow its stuff about prepubescent girls, next day its adult women with ginormous breasts being paddled by dwarves. Next day he's at the park getting a blow job in the bushes. It's kinda similar to how a lot of real addicts aren't gay or straight, they are simply slaves to their libido and the shame that comes with acting out.