Why do I feel so guilty for growing up?? (dating, wife, long distance)
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My partner of 7 years and I were friends for about a year before we started dating. In hindsight I don't ever think it should have become a relationship, but it did, and he is still crazy about me. Unfortunately I don't feel the same anymore.
I have recently finally acknowleged after what seems like a lifetime of trying to work out WHY I feel the things I do, that I just simply am not in love with him. Feelings change, people change. I am one of those people. It's nothing he has done. The connection I once felt is just not there anymore.
Maybe it's because I was just 21 when we started dating and now I am 28 (he is nearly 20 years older) - I have changed so much as a person as all people do.
I want to know if anyone else has gone through this kind of break up though?? The kind where the person isn't rude or abusive or cruel or nasty or anything like that, it's just... over. Please share your stories with me.
Way back when--in college--several decades ago--I had a long distance relationship with a guy that I met at the first Homecoming Football Game after high school. He attended a military college and planned to pursue a career in the Army. I believe he became an Airborne Ranger--to give you some idea of his fiercely independent and intense nature.
I was a shy and rather socially inept girl and had some major family dysfunctions. After way too much introspection and professional help---I concluded that my feelings for this man were 'crazy love', the sick, twisted, obsessed kind that is the topic of so many talk shows today.
By the end of college he had gotten engaged and then married---never really said--'Goodbye' or 'Go To Hell' or anything like that. I went on with my life, felt that I had buried the hurt, shame for caring too much and all that. Then one day five years later---he calls me, passing through my city --out of the blue. 'Smart Women, Foolish Choices' had probably not been written yet--and I definitely had not read it. So, in a rather evil mood I decided to be daring. We dated in the late 60's and I was a 'Good' girl--a virgin and that at times became an issue. So, when he called me, we went out to dinner and talked and then I said---'Do you want to stay?' and he did, but he told me, 'You know I'm married and mumbled something about his wife hadn't grown...'
Never heard from him again. Until this past Christmas when I posted on a high school reunion site. He wanted to be 'Friends' and said he had been looking for me.
I was stunned. I said I didn't think I could be his 'Friend' and then finally said 'OK'--we met and had a 'nice' conversation, then exchanged a few emails and things began to get complicated. sigh---I had no idea that I still apparently 'love' him in my sick, obsessed way---it's something I can't improve upon. I thought--might as well be honest about it --I assumed he was still married. He didn't address this issue.
Married since 1970, and I last saw him in 1975. Well, I am no longer 25 or living in the 70's and I it made me rather ill to think that he seemed to be indicating that we should have some sort of affair. That would diminish the memories that I cherish and I am 'not that sort of girl'--which I thought he 'knew'. The email exchanges became very upsetting to both of us.
I couldn't talk to him on the phone either. I really seem to 'love' him --just as intensely as I ever did. From your story that is really annoying and dumb---and I tried to apologize for 'being the way I am'. Starting to cry a little bit now---I guess I am 'proud of myself' for 'getting the hint' --I don't email him anymore. I told him I had no idea why he would contact me again---chose to marry another---apparently had over 30 years of a relationship with this woman and a couple of kids. I tried to say--'I'm happy for you' and all the things you should say to not be considered bitter and mean spirited. But, I am still hurt --just the sort of person who always seems to 'care more'/and annoys the 'H' out of those who care less.
Yes--if you stop responding to the person who annoys you eventually they will stop bothering you. You can also tell them just what a loser they are or whatever you feel is appropriate.
After I heard this enough I sought professional help--so I understand my issues---and try very hard not to inflict myself on others. I have found a few people that actually enjoy my esoteric traits and therefore I conclude that 'part' of the problem is on the other end.
If the worst thing anybody ever does is 'like you too much' then I would say you have much for which to be thankful. I would try to be very kind in the way I responded to this individual. 'No act of kindness is every wasted'---Aesop.
Not sure if that is the sort of response you wanted.
We grow and change. Thats just the way life goes. Sometimes couples can just grow apart from each other, and there doesn`t have to be a "reason." I think its better to recognize your feelings that you are not in love with him, versus trying to accept it, and live your life unhappy, or not 100%. Life is too short! Good luck!
My partner of 7 years and I were friends for about a year before we started dating. In hindsight I don't ever think it should have become a relationship, but it did, and he is still crazy about me. Unfortunately I don't feel the same anymore.
I have recently finally acknowleged after what seems like a lifetime of trying to work out WHY I feel the things I do, that I just simply am not in love with him. Feelings change, people change. I am one of those people. It's nothing he has done. The connection I once felt is just not there anymore.
Maybe it's because I was just 21 when we started dating and now I am 28 (he is nearly 20 years older) - I have changed so much as a person as all people do.
I want to know if anyone else has gone through this kind of break up though?? The kind where the person isn't rude or abusive or cruel or nasty or anything like that, it's just... over. Please share your stories with me.
This happens quite frequently when a 40 year old man dates a 20 year old woman. You've grown and changed, and he should have known from the start this could and probably would happen.
Just be honest with him now that you have come to grips with your feelings. The sooner you break up with him the better.
Good that you realize it now before you're married. Split up now and don't waste your time any more out of sympathy. You are still young enough to find the man of your dreams - plenty of fish in the sea. Life is too short to waste away your beauty and youth on someone you don't love anymore. Women only have a short margin of time to really land a hot dude before you have to settle for old decrepid looking used up ones. Do it while you're still young and beautiful.
This happens quite frequently when a 40 year old man dates a 20 year old woman. You've grown and changed, and he should have known from the start this could and probably would happen.
Just be honest with him now that you have come to grips with your feelings. The sooner you break up with him the better.
Hi Onglet39,
He may have known. As a rule, do not assume an older man will not want a few years with a 20 something even if it breaks up later.
My partner of 7 years and I were friends for about a year before we started dating. In hindsight I don't ever think it should have become a relationship, but it did, and he is still crazy about me. Unfortunately I don't feel the same anymore.
I have recently finally acknowleged after what seems like a lifetime of trying to work out WHY I feel the things I do, that I just simply am not in love with him. Feelings change, people change. I am one of those people. It's nothing he has done. The connection I once felt is just not there anymore.
Whoa! I could have written that. ^^^
I was friends with my wasband for about a year before we started dating. Seven years later, there we were, divorcing amicably.
At least this happened before you got married, so you're ahead of the game. I know how you feel though: It sucks to hurt someone you cherish as a friend. As you say, it's nothing he did. It just is. In some ways, that actually makes it harder than, say, catching him with someone else, where you have a concrete event to point to as a trigger (and anger to give momentum), instead of this slow dissipation or disintegration of romantic feeling.
But look at it this way: You both deserve to be with someone who is in love with you. When the wasband and I parted ways, I tried to look at it as doing us both a big favor, especially because we had started to fight a lot. And sure enough, a year after the divorce, he met the woman who later became his second wife, and now they have a kid. She seemed to be quite taken with him when I met her (I wasn't kidding about parting with him as friends), he's certainly happy, and I met someone I'm taken with, too--all of which confirms that he and I did the right thing.
When people ask me why he and I split up, the best answer I could give them was, "We were friends who should have stayed that way."
I hope that when you tell your partner, he's as understanding as my wasband was. He can probably sense the change in you, and although he might be hurt and angry when it does come out, if he's an adult, and he really was a true friend to you before you became involved romantically, he'll come around.
Good luck.
P.S. For those who think age or age difference has to do with it: I was 31 and my wasband was 24 when we met. As I was the one in the OP's shoes, I'm your spoiler.
My partner of 7 years and I were friends for about a year before we started dating. In hindsight I don't ever think it should have become a relationship, but it did, and he is still crazy about me. Unfortunately I don't feel the same anymore.
I have recently finally acknowleged after what seems like a lifetime of trying to work out WHY I feel the things I do, that I just simply am not in love with him. Feelings change, people change. I am one of those people. It's nothing he has done. The connection I once felt is just not there anymore.
Maybe it's because I was just 21 when we started dating and now I am 28 (he is nearly 20 years older) - I have changed so much as a person as all people do.
I want to know if anyone else has gone through this kind of break up though?? The kind where the person isn't rude or abusive or cruel or nasty or anything like that, it's just... over. Please share your stories with me.
You should never, ever, feel "guilty about growing up"! Better to embrace, understand and acknowledge the changes that come with knowledge and maturity.
Look at so many posters on this forum who, despite being given sage advice by so many well-meaning and knowledgeable people who've "been there done that" continue on in the same old rut because they hear but don't heed and post the same old questions time and time again.
Don't beat yourself up with guilt. Just be as honest with him as you have been here on this forum. It won't be easy as these situations never are.
He'll no doubt be very pained but if you really don't feel the same way about him (and it sounds as though you've given this a lot of thought to reach the conclusion which prompted your post) you have to take that high road so you can get on with your life and give him the opportunity to get on with his.
Such an age difference almost always creates problems down the line. The grass for you on the other side of the fence might be awfully brown and sere but you're not just into him now and need to extricate yourself.
I should note that I've been there as a female with a younger male on a couple of occasions in a long life. Two relationship I broke off and one was broken off with me. It was never easy under any circumstance but time really does heal.
I have no contact any more with one of the younger men I was involved with and who I dumped. He's had a very troubled life, according to his family who I hear from once in a while. Another younger one who broke up with me remains a good friend and finally ended up marrying a fabulous gal who actually looks like a younger version of me which is really quite a compliment! We stay in touch via email here and there.
An older one (12 years my senior) remains a very good friend and helps me out with "fix-it" stuff to this day but during our relationship which was always a bit rocky, I thought I was the problem. Turns out I wasn't (a lot of soul-searching went on there!) but we were simply different people.
Relationship crossroads are always difficult to navigate but honesty is always the best policy. My suggestion is to make a clean break.
Understand that it's going to be painful for both of you and that the subsequent healing process will take time. You might be able to be friends in the future but that's not a given. Apologies for rambling on but hopefully I've been of some help in offering up my experiences. Good luck!
Women only have a short margin of time to really land a hot dude before you have to settle for old decrepid looking used up ones. Do it while you're still young and beautiful.
Gee, I guess at 43, I'm old and decrepit and should be put out to pasture, eh? Good thing my 33-year-old "hot dude" doesn't think so.
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