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Old 03-22-2010, 01:59 PM
 
Location: In my skin
8,067 posts, read 9,233,953 times
Reputation: 7951

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This is for the benefit of a gal who is in major denial about her situation. I want to show her your responses.

John meets Mary and he was, at the time, still legally married but separated from his wife who is from another country. The wife was 350 pounds. So, was the gal he dated briefly before he met Mary. Mary is a beautiful, height-weight proportionate gal.

John makes faces at overweight people all the time. Makes fun of them, makes jokes about them, quivers at the thought of sex with them, when he sees them on TV or when it comes up in conversation. Mind you, he married one and clearly had sex with two very overweight women.

Mary has been dealing with this separation/divorce for over two years. She found emails from him to the ex saying how the divorce breaks him to that very day, how no two people have ever loved each other more, was with Mary out of convenience and never should have been, things of that nature. In addition, he would call the ex whenever they had a spat. He got angry when Mary told him she was not happy with it and told her to mind her business. He has apologized for all of it, but Mary said she was fed up with the bull between them and if he wanted to stay with her, he would have to cease contact with the ex (in addition to counseling).

Fast forward a month or so. John tells Mary of an email he received from the ex around Christmas time. He never responded. Mary told him that was wrong, that he should respond as a courtesy (since he was the one leaving the door open) and tell her that he can no longer maintain contact. He said he would just rather not respond.

Mary was looking for batteries and found a drawer full of old birthday cards and other mementos from the ex. They had moved twice in the 3 years they had been together and she couldn't understand why these things were in the house, especially after all the arguments they had over the ex. Mary told him about it and asked if had heard from her. He said he hadn't. She asked if he contacted her. He said he had. She asked why he never told her about it, he said there was nothing to tell; she told him to handle it, he handled it and they haven't spoken. The truth is that he wrote to her to apologize for not responding to the Christmas email, told her that the reasons didn't matter but he promises he won't do it again.

I asked her how she knew about the emails, since I am a huge privacy gal. She says he told her she could check his email at any time if she had any doubts, in an effort to assure her there was nothing to worry about. She thinks he forgot he told her this (he drinks quite a bit), because the first time she took him up on it, she found the first set of emails. He has since deleted them, but he apparently forgot to delete this last email from his sent folder.

Mary seems to think he just wants to stay friends and doesn't want to end contact, and there is no feeling there. She doesn't believe he could want a 350 lb. woman since he is so disgusted by them. She is also severely depressed and has gained 30 lbs., with no drive at all to lose the weight. He has also blown off counseling for his anger management issues.

I think he still wants his ex, never stopped, and the claims of being disgusted are designed to get Mary to think it is all innocent.

What are your thoughts?
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Old 03-22-2010, 02:05 PM
 
Location: New York, NY
1,590 posts, read 1,403,687 times
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If I were in her shoes I would focus on the reasons I chose this guy and this relationship for myself. I'd work out my own issues and if by the time I'd worked 'em out, he was still an angry, drinking, lusting son-of-a-gun.....he'd have to go. I can't really suggest they get counseling together because there are three people in the marriage. Even if his ex wants nothing to do with him, his focus is outside. Please tell her not to get down about the things she can't change. She can't change his behavior. She can only change her own.
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Old 03-22-2010, 02:05 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
12,146 posts, read 12,641,864 times
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Guh bye
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Old 03-22-2010, 02:06 PM
 
8,681 posts, read 7,792,189 times
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I think if Mary doesn't trust John, for whatever reason, real or imagined, she should just move on.

What I can't understand is what Mary would see in a man who ridicules overweight people. He sounds nasty.
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Old 03-22-2010, 02:12 PM
 
Location: Hot Springs, AR
5,612 posts, read 9,681,741 times
Reputation: 3630
My thoughts are that you are right Mary is in a state of denial. The first time he told his ex that he was "with Mary was a convenience" that should have told her, she means nothing to him. And why is it taking two years to get a divorce? It's one thing when no one has moved on, but if he is setting up house with someone, he should be free and clear. At the very at least after the six month waiting period.

If she was 350 lbs when he married her, he is not disgusted by big women and Mary has set herself up for heartache. There is no reason on God's green earth to drag old cards from place to place unless they hold sentimental value. If she didn't weigh 350 when they got married, he may simply be waiting for her to decide to lose the weight. If that's the case, the day she does, he's out of there.

My biggest concern is him no longer going to counseling. I hope she is not letting him verbally abuse her.
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Old 03-22-2010, 02:13 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,843 posts, read 54,877,880 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate View Post
I think he still wants his ex, never stopped, and the claims of being disgusted are designed to get Mary to think it is all innocent.

What are your thoughts?
Exactly the same.
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Old 03-22-2010, 02:18 PM
Status: "The whole world is a stage..." (set 28 days ago)
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
8,882 posts, read 11,263,019 times
Reputation: 16432
It should have been over when she read the part where he states that he is only with her out of convenience and they should have never been together. Mary is either tremendously over-forgiving or lacking in self esteem. Either way, she had to see this coming. Her instincts must have been tingling if she felt compelled to read his emails in the first place.
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Old 03-22-2010, 02:19 PM
 
Location: In my skin
8,067 posts, read 9,233,953 times
Reputation: 7951
I agree with all of you. However, I'm thinking baby steps. There has been significant abuse, verbal and physical, so she is in a pretty deep hole that will be hard to dig herself out of emotionally. This is a huge one. If she can somehow see the contrast between what he says and does, it's a start.

When she talks about the weight issue, she refers to herself as a mini-BBW. She cracked jokes about how if she were twice her size, he might actually respect her. I'm thinking she is gaining the weight on purpose, so he can somehow value her like he does the ex.
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Old 03-22-2010, 02:22 PM
Status: "The whole world is a stage..." (set 28 days ago)
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
8,882 posts, read 11,263,019 times
Reputation: 16432
Mary has some deep rooted issues, that sadly, won't be addressed even if she dumps this loser. She will likely repeat this pattern of accomodating her S.O. in her next relationship.
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Old 03-22-2010, 02:33 PM
 
Location: In my skin
8,067 posts, read 9,233,953 times
Reputation: 7951
Okay guys and dolls, we are in agreement that she needs work. What is your interpretation of the BF's intentions with the ex?
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