When people have unrealistic expectations (dating, girlfriend, how to, marriage)

[Sprawling_Homeowner]

Given the number of threads, some quite vacuous, about why people can't or don't get the persons they want, I thought I'd share a story about somebody I know who is woefully unrealistic in her expectations and who vastly overestimates her dating market value.

Tanya is going to turn 38 this year. She's never been married, she's OK-looking, and very thin. But she's got a mentality which has for years perpetuated her misery, and she refuses to see much of this misery could have been avoided if only she'd been more flexible and had been less arrogant and proud.

I've known Tanya for about 8 years now, and she has always thought that she deserved the best: the men who were finest-looking, tallest, and richest. Yet she's historically had very little to offer. She may have a college degree, but has floundered professionally. She has little in ways of savings, and has to live at home with her parents (yes, you read that right: she is 2 years away from 40 and lives w/ mom and dad).

Tanya has often been very selfish and petty, and it's taken some deep conversations between us for me to show to her how self-centered she can be, even involving her aging parents. It took her a lot for her to see the wrongfulness of her ways, but she's improved a bit.

Tanya laments all the time.

She told me repeatedly of how she was one of the "cool" kids who had plenty of friends in high school and who was always mean to the "nerds." In fact, Tanya mentioned one of the girls who was a high school "loser." That girl is now a respected professor at a large university who received her Ph.D. in a foreign institution. I said to her, "I bet that if that 'loser' girl met you now, you would feel like the loser next to her." Tanya even went as far to say that if she met her, she'd apologize for her b/tchy conduct as a teenager.

She complains about how her facial skin and complexion are worsening with age, and how she doesn't look as good as she did in the past. But based on what I've seen of her all these years, she hasn't changed much - she hasn't gotten prettier, but it's not as if her face has wrinkles all over it.

But the worst part of her whining is her claim that in her 20s and early 30s, men always approached her, and she rebuffed them all. Even women who wanted to befriend her were treated coldly. She thought that she would always receive the attention of men. Oddly enough, in her view at least, this stopped after she hit her mid-30s. Now the men she likes don't even look at her.

She has had family and friends set her up on blind dates, and she's had terrible luck. The last man she met was in his early 40s, and according to her, he was overweight, shabby, and without much hair. She insists she likes "young-looking" men. So I asked her - did she mean men in their late 30s, her peers, who are in shape and look youthful, or young men in their 20s?

"I LIKE MEN IN THEIR 20S!"

I laughed and said, "you're almost 40. You look it. You live at home. You have an unenviable career situation. Why would a man in his mid-20s, in the prime of his life, launching himself professionally and financially, even look at you? You're not even that good-looking if compared to women 10-15 years your junior, and the only thing most younger guys would want you for would be for a booty call."

She got mad at first, but soon said, "yeah I know."

So I finally asked her, "look, if you've got so many insecurities, and if you yourself are far less good-looking or successful than the ideal type of man you like, what exactly makes you feel you're entitled to such quality guys?"

"I'm greedy," Tanya said. "I am SO greedy. I've always been this greedy."

(Tanya has two sisters; one a little older, who's got two children and a successful husband, and a younger one, who went through a short marriage and divorce and who bounced right back into the dating market, and whose professional situation is far better than Tanya's.)

"Are either one of your sisters as spoiled or selfish as you?"

"No," she said. "They're very nice. I'm the only one who is like this."

Every time, it seems, that I talk to Tanya, she b/tches about something. I am past pitying her. She's almost 40 and suffers from this type of shallowness and immaturity. And the worst part is, she knows it, and she doesn't change. She knows her expectations are unrealistic, but she doesn't care, and thus, she perpetuates her unhappiness.

So, C-D Relationships reader, I hope that if you're single at whatever point in your life, that you don't end up like Tanya. Like Tanya, I thought in my early-mid 20s that I'd be young forever. How wrong I was, but I don't b/tch and whine the way Tanya does. I hope you don't either.

[photobuff42]

Is there really a person out there who's that stupid? In reality she must be satisfied with her lot as she hasn't done anything about it.

[Sprawling_Homeowner]

Originally Posted by photobuff42

Is there really a person out there who's that stupid? In reality she must be satisfied with her lot as she hasn't done anything about it.

The sad thing is that this is a real story and that none of this was fabricated.

The sadder part is that Tanya isn't stupid per se - she's just very stubborn and obstinate, and she doesn't know how to - or cannot - change. And her misery continues.

[Coolhand68]

Honestly, I felt a little sorry for Tanya. Though she did bring a lot of her woes upon herself, I still feel a bit of compassion for her, she sounds like a sad person on the inside.

However the lesson to learned here...beauty eventually fades, and the world is a cruel place for a dried up old former beauty queen who is past her prime and still expecting to be treated like royalty while looking down on others. If you go through life with a feeling of entitlement, you are in for a hard dose of reality when you reach middle age and you're all alone without a backup plan.

[JustJulia]

I don't doubt that you're being honest, Sprawling, because my husband and I were friends with a guy who was so thick about women that you just wouldn't believe it. I am just marveling a little about the relationship you and this woman seem to have. She's being very introspective and honest for someone who is as shallow and obstinate as you describe. It's also a very strange conversation for a woman to have with a man. I hope this doesn't offend you, but you sound like her girlfriend. I didn't think that was something that straight men liked to be.

[2mares]

She doesn’t sound all that miserable to me.
Lives at home so she has few bills and little responsibility. Still going after young good looking men instead of settling for someone she isnt attracted to. Maybe shes a bit b.tch ie, but sounds like shes got it made in the shade.

[Sprawling_Homeowner]

Originally Posted by Coolhand68

Honestly, I felt a little sorry for Tanya. Though she did bring a lot of her woes upon herself, I still feel a bit of compassion for her, she sounds like a sad person on the inside.

However the lesson to learned here...beauty eventually fades, and the world is a cruel place for a dried up old former beauty queen who is past her prime and still expecting to be treated like royalty while looking down on others. If you go through life with a feeling of entitlement, you are in for a hard dose of reality when you reach middle age and you're all alone without a backup plan.

That's basically Tanya's story. The funny thing is, while Tanya isn't ugly or repulsive, she's not that pretty either, and I really find it hard to believe she was THAT targeted by men in her youth.

[Sprawling_Homeowner]

Originally Posted by JustJulia

I don't doubt that you're being honest, Sprawling, because my husband and I were friends with a guy who was so thick about women that you just wouldn't believe it. I am just marveling a little about the relationship you and this woman seem to have. She's being very introspective and honest for someone who is as shallow and obstinate as you describe. It's also a very strange conversation for a woman to have with a man. I hope this doesn't offend you, but you sound like her girlfriend. I didn't think that was something that straight men liked to be.

Actually, she's not that introspective.

A lot of this I found out by listening to her speak, and to things she would say about herself and others. One can learn a lot about a person's character from what they say. Then when I began to ask questions, to probe, she resisted at first, but then it became evident my suspicions were right.

As for odd conversation, she doesn't have a lot of friends. Her b/tchiness and incredible petty jealousy drove away some of her last friends.

Just how jealous was she, you ask?

There was a handsome 20something British man who was assigned to her office and many of the woman, all around her age, were charmed by him. I told her I knew she liked him but she adamantly refused to admit it.'

Then, later on, when this Brit was having a romantic affair with one of her coworkers, Tanya told me she would stew and fume in jealousy. I said, "well if you like him so much why didn't you do something about it?"

[Sprawling_Homeowner]

Originally Posted by 2mares

She doesn’t sound all that miserable to me.
Lives at home so she has few bills and little responsibility. Still going after young good looking men instead of settling for someone she isnt attracted to. Maybe shes a bit b.tch ie, but sounds like shes got it made in the shade.

She may LIKE young good-looking men but it doesn't men they like her back... and no she hasn't got it made. Another one of her lamentations is her lack of financial/professional achievements. She's at home in part because she can't afford living alone.

[le roi]

Originally Posted by 2mares

She doesn’t sound all that miserable to me.
Lives at home so she has few bills and little responsibility. Still going after young good looking men instead of settling for someone she isnt attracted to. Maybe shes a bit b.tch ie, but sounds like shes got it made in the shade.

i don't even want to know what sort of mental acrobatics were necessary for you to reach that conclusion.