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My main point was both lose. My point also still stands somewhat since men in their 40s and 50s tend have more lingering desirability. They can marry into dual incomes more easily.
As to your point financially? I see that is in dispute. Also I do note as to my point above these are younger couples.
Contrary to popular belief, the results showed that the wealth status of divorced women wasn't significantly worse than that of divorced men, in terms of real money.
This here from your article? I can see reasons for both the divorce, and that she will be in the undesirable category.
You also do not account that its the women who win child custody because they desire it. I suppose you may look at it as a 50/50 financial proposition, yet the woman is with her children while the man often just makes payments. Is this compensation for estranged children?
After divorce, the typical man held 2.5 times the amount of wealth held by the typical woman. While this seems large in percentage terms, the difference in absolute dollars is relatively small - about $5,100.
However I will agree that some men are often pretty clueless about asking women to be stay at home mothers with the current divorce rate. Its a bad game of chicken.
Either way we are just comparing holes in the head.
Awww...that's low of you to take a personal dig at the woman pictured in the article. She may not be physically appealing TO YOU, but she's a person and for all you know, a mighty fine one.
I do agree that in general divorce is never a win-win for either party
I would not equate materialism as personal growth ever. Just think about how you would feel if you lost everything today? I have seen that destroy many people in their 40's and 50's that thought they had it all figured out.
I loved that fight club line: "you are not the contents of your wallet"
I'm not saying things won't change. I just think of all the statistics I don't fall into and there are a lot. I believe in rising above the statistics. They are just a collection of data that reflects other people's choices and circumstances. I also believe in trusting yourself and always pushing forward to get what you want. There is always a way.
I view money as a tool. Others may view it differently.
If I lost all my money I would get it back because I am educated and I have a skill set which is highly desirable in a variety of business settings. Statistically speaking, I would not have this skill set had my parents divorced. (Furthermore, I probably would not have this skill set had I chosen to have children, but that's another discussion.)
One does not rise above statistics, one just falls into the majority or minority category of the numbers.
ETA: the quote, "you are not the contents of your wallet" really doesn't have a place in a discussion about the ramifications of a divorce for a woman in the OP's position. It's fine when you are on your own, but it doesn't work when you have a family to support.
Last edited by OngletNYC; 03-31-2010 at 02:44 PM..
32, yep that's what I thought; I'm not saying that to be dismissive either. It seems that the younger you are, the less important money seems to be. In fact there seems to be a badge of honor associated with having no money while standing up for your principles. Your opinion will most likely shift as you age and see a bit more. Your principles will change too.
I was divorced at 38 (now 48) with a TON of money. It all went up in smoke to my xboyfriend. I said I would rather have nothing than live with my xhusband. Well, it came true. Ten years later minus the xboyfriend as well, I'm enjoying my life, though it certainly has been a longe strange trip...but I would never recommend anyone stay in a mediocre marriage..for what? to become a martyr of misery...cheat on the miserable spouse whom ever may be cheating & probably both with that mindset...UGH! I stood up for my principles & the money's gone & now, I know who my true friends really are; with the money...they were gone when the money was...go figure!
Oh, & the kids, my oldest is straight A's going into the plus zone & my youngest is all A/B'+s....they appear to be quite happy & doing well. Things were explained as mommy & daddy will have two happy houses instead of one unhappy house. The kids got it. It wasn't the way we intended. But, alas, it was. Children do just fine; they'll resent you more for not leaving in the end.
I was divorced at 38 (now 48) with a TON of money. It all went up in smoke to my xboyfriend. I said I would rather have nothing than live with my xhusband. Well, it came true. Ten years later minus the xboyfriend as well, I'm enjoying my life, though it certainly has been a longe strange trip...but I would never recommend anyone stay in a mediocre marriage..for what? to become a martyr of misery...cheat on the miserable spouse whom ever may be cheating & probably both with that mindset...UGH! I stood up for my principles & the money's gone & now, I know who my true friends really are; with the money...they were gone when the money was...go figure!
Oh, & the kids, my oldest is straight A's going into the plus zone & my youngest is all A/B'+s....they appear to be quite happy & doing well. Things were explained as mommy & daddy will have two happy houses instead of one unhappy house. The kids got it. It wasn't the way we intended. But, alas, it was. Children do just fine; they'll resent you more for not leaving in the end.
I'm not sure what the lesson is to be learned from your post. You made two extremely bad choices in men, sent your finances into a shambles due to making a bad decision; fortunately your children appear to be doing well.
Is it "throw caution to the wind, be self-indulgent... it will all work out in the end"? Is that your advice to a woman considering divorce?
I think he's got a point. Becoming unattractive to your partner may put a serious strain on a relationship. If I were with someone who got as fat as the woman in the picture, I would not want to have sex with him anymore. I could patiently ride out a temporary health issue, but obesity could not be the norm. It's just not sexually attractive to me.
Of course, we have no idea of whether this issue relates to the OP.
I know it must be very hard with kids, but this is your life too and you deserve to be happy. Once the trust is gone things are never the same. Don't be the woman who lays awake all night worrying herself literally sick while her husband is on another business trip.
No one on this thread, save for the OP herself, is qualified to determine whether leaving her husband will be good for the kids in the long run. I'm surprised at how easily people advise strangers to turn their lives upside down without knowing all of the facts... all in the name of their own personal sense of morality. Yes getting cheating on sucks, but there are a LOT of factors which need to be weighed. Depending on the circumstances, some people would do better to stay put and work it out.
Anyone who has worked with kids and seen the effects of growing up in a toxic household is well qualified to say it's far healthier for children to grow up in a safe, loving single parent family than for them to grow up in a two parent household where one or both parents are unhappy.
No offense, Onglet but people really need to get put of this kids have to have two parents mindset. What people forget while they are busy trying to clig to the Leave It to Beaver family image is that parents are the first relationship kids see. Parents are the model for their children's relationships. Ever wonder why so many people can't get relationships right? Many of them grow up seeing an unhealthy relationship and they think that's what a relationship is. We need to start modeling happy healthy relationship for our children.
A household where Daddy is being unfaithful to Mommy and Mommy being unhappy with Daddy is not a healthy relationship model.
CESpeed: "If you weren't doing your part to make the marriage better, then you are just as responsible for his cheating because you were not holding up your end of the marriage. (keyword: your part. he has a part to do as well)"
I really hate the whole "blame the victim" mentality in the post, sorry. Yes, it takes two to tango. Yes, she is partly responsible for the marriage tension.
But she is NOT responsible for his cheating. Cheating is never justifiable in a breaking relationship. Understandable, but never justified.
Cheating breaks the most fundamental parts of marriage and that is trust, safety, and monogamy. He just sped the marriage issues into overdrive.
@OP: Break it off, sweetheart, if you feel like you can't handle living with him now that you found out he cheated.
Certainly if you take one select statement out of my post you're quite right. But since my post says a heck of a lot more than the one sentence you selected, I've taked the liberty of reposting in its entirety so then you can see where your argument falls apart. 1) I never said she was responsible for his cheating, in fact I said he should have left before he cheated, if he wasn't happy. 2) I said it takes TWO and if she hadn't done her part to make the marriage then she shares some of the responsibility for the state the marriage is in.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CESpeed
I have a question: what were you doing to try to work on the marriage before he cheated?
You've admitted that your marriage was bad before he cheated. Knowing this did you do anything to try to make it better? If you didn't, then you should try to work it out. If the two of you were working on your marriage prior to his cheating, then I'd say on some level he doesn't really want the marriage.
It takes two to make or break a marriage. A lot of people here are going to be on your side simply because he cheated. My position is if you were doing the things he asked for in order to make the marriage work, then it's all on him. If you weren't doing your part to make the marriage better, then you are just as responsible for his cheating because you were not holding up your end of the marriage. (keyword: your part. he has a part to do as well)
None of this is to say that he has no fault, if he felt you weren't being a good wife he should have left before cheating.
I'm just playing the gadfly here because as I said, this is probably one of the very few objective posts you are going to read.
Long story short, I found out my husband cheated on me with another woman last week during a business trip. It was a one night stand and she is also married. I have two small children but I work and make a decent living. I'm really having a hard time with this. I cannot get it out of my head. We already had a bad marriage. He wants me to stay in the marriage and we try to work it out. There are so many issues that make leaving very difficult, house, schools, children, etc. I really want a divorce. I don't know what to do. Has anyone experienced this and what were your outcomes?
So sorry to hear your story. I've read most of the posts, debating the pro's & con's of staying in a marriage when your SO has cheated.
I would say right now, forget this philosophical discussion because it really is irrelevant. Take the time to think about yourself, your kids, your future, etc.
Only you know the exact details of your marriage, pre & post your husband's affair. Don't let other people's principles guide your decisions. You need time to digest this betrayal and only you can determine what you see & feel when you look your husband in the eye. Whatever you decide with a clear consicience is what's right for you, just don't make hasty decisions out of revenge. There is no statute of limitations for divorcing your husband, so take it one day at a time.
Absolutely - yet people are very quick to advise women to "divorce the bastard" as though the risks aren't there.
As I said several times on this thread, I don't know what the OP should do.
But I do know she will need to view everything as rationally as possible in order to come to the best decision. Finances absolutely should be a part of the decision making process.
Do you know how many rich kids are screwed up basket cases? Money does not raise a happy healthy child. Happy, healthy parents do that. And the idea that for the sake of money you'd allow your children to live in an unhappy household saddens me greatly and I feel very sorry for any child raised that way.
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