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My only advice is that in the future, when you decide to look for a relationship again, walk away if you find out she has an addiction or potential addiction problem.
My only advice is that in the future, when you decide to look for a relationship again, walk away if you find out she has an addiction or potential addiction problem.
Honestly at this point I am not even sure of anything. Maybe she is nothing more than a girl who likes to drink and party and a guy who got a little too tired of it.
fwiw, i think the focus on the cheating aspect is becoming a fixation. 1. you don't know for certain there was a physical relationship, 2. show me 10 break-ups and there will be 9 third parties. Having a shoulder to lean on during a traumatic relationship end is not unusual or really all that terrible.
Stretching, but it sounds to me as if the pending marriage frightened her and she needed to escape; not that some outsider suddenly swept her off her feet.
My thoughts as well. Still any form of emotional attachment to another is cheating, to her it probably wasn't unless it got physical. Like I said the lies bothered me even more than the cheating.
She has a pattern established of running away from things, I was just the foolish one for thinking I could break the cycle.
You're getting hyper sensitive. You are responsible for picking and staying with her and throughout your lengthy tedious posts you go back over what was done and continue to ask why and what does she really feel... If you had a good grasp on the situation you wouldn't be asking that, and don't act like I'm the first person to write this. This has been said by many posters pages and pages back. You lock onto the responses that dwell on the minutiae of what's happened between you so you can keep the drama going without her. Focus on the posts that say you were wrong in picking this basket case and you need to focus on all the things inside you that made you pick her and agonize over her every text, word, and action, as if she were a goddess you've lost not a lying, cheating slag.
I'll make it even simpler so you don't get bogged down. You need to focus on what's wrong with you that you're still caught up. A professional is in a far better place to help you than folks on the board who are getting a slice of your story at best.
tough love, I get it. I'm still in recovery here. I've survived it before and I'm not afraid to take stock in myself.
Believe me I wish it was a simple as you say to just ditch and get over it but everyone is different. This girl was a major part of my life and there was a lot of good that went with the bad. As much as I want to forget and flush it all, this is my process. I'm trying.
Yikes! I just read your theories on women Urban Sasquatch and I had no idea your opinion of women was so low and biased.
US is not an all knowing sage when it comes to women's behavior. What you've experienced men have done as well. Gender is completely beside the point. My best advice to you would be to get into therapy to work on the thousands on issues you have going on under the surface. You're heading for a repeat of this situation because you aren't seeing yourself clearly and can't correct your destructive instincts. For every criticism you have of her one applies to you too but you can't see it yet. Work on it.
I don't think he ever said this behavior was exclusive to anyone.
I honestly think he is spot on with most of his observations, no not of all women, but of women who cheat yes. I went through a similar situation years ago and as i read the thread, most of his comments were exactly what I had been through and her actions were explained.
Hello, friends. Though we derailed here at the end I did want to get back to this thread and at least give it a bit of closure. It may continue down the road, not sure, though I have good and bad things to say here but I will be honest.
First of all this has been my best weekend since the breakup yet. I spent time with friends, as well as on my own, starting to catch up on things I fell behind on due to the blow the A gave to me. I am feeling happy, sleeping better, appetite returned, getting a lot of stuff done.
Also been reading some self-help type books, not a lot so it's not consuming my free time, but they have been helping me to look at myself and prepare for future Rs down the road, and to be better at them. Reading has been very enlightening.
Now the bad - While I guess I never had complete evidence her A was over, seeing her on the dating site over and over (I stopped logging in as there is no way to block her from appearing) was a trigger, but also told me she's probably not with OM, either it ended or it never fully started. Regardless, knowing that she was not with OM, I thought, this is one last opportunity to perhaps talk to her and get some valuable information on why the R failed (only if she is single as I have no interest in even talking to her otherwise). Information for me, honest and brutal if she wanted to me, that I could take stock in to see if it's something I can correct next time. No intent to get back together.
Anyway she replied to this brief e-mail with a much longer one, I realize this broke NC last week and it probably didn't need to be sent, but oh well, so be it. This WILL be my last initiation of contact for good, and I am glad I at least tried for the opportunity.
I am only posting this in the hopes it might help future waywards or betrayed reading this thread, so you can look for patterns or perhaps try and get to the bottom of things BEFORE it gets to the point it got with me. The e-mail I suppose gave me a small sense of closure, but also in a way, it seemed to ease her betrayal a bit as well which in hindsight was probably not a good thing to do -- Strict NC is the best sting but in my case since I never even got the story at all, just a lot of maybes and guessing, I figured I'd take a shot.
The following is that reply with my comments (quotes where it was literally from the mail):
- "Thanks for writing."
(I assume my reaching out was in a way a gift to her in that it probably eases some of her guilt, oh well).
- "I am very sorry for the way things happened. It was an extremely difficult decision for me to make, and it's been very hard on me."
(Apologetic at least though saying "the way things happened" is still a major tiptoe around the A, she still to this day has not admitted or explained and I figure never will.)
- She is "focusing on herself and her new life".
(She ran from it all, wants a total clean slate - the "new life" part bugged me a bit but then again this is what she is doing. It is not only leaving me, but she is living with new people, leaving her old friends behind, and leaving her job as well). Which leads me to..
- She mentions she is looking for a new job.
(Her co-workers were all her best friends and knew about the A and supported me, helped bring it into the open, so whether she is still there or not, she needs to run from that as well to help her get the clean slate and not have to face what she did, basically, a brand new life top to bottom).
- She is "just wanting to start over".
(more validation to the A here, by doing so she has to get as many elements aware of the A out of her life to help with the guilt, she wants a total reset button situation here)
- On my comment on dating: "I'm not worried about dating other people right now as I've told you before."
(noticed no clear confirmation here that she wasn't though, carefully worded, and like I said, she was on a dating site all week, so this sort of means she will be dating other people anyway, which she has the full right to do and always has, she does not do "single" well).
- "I don't think that meeting to talk is a good idea. I don't see how it could help anything at this point."
(Fair enough and that will be the last attempt I make. I am comfortable with the fact I at least tried to open the door one last time.)
- "It would be really hard for me to see you and not break down right now. I hope you understand."
(I imagine a combination of guilt and maybe missing me as well but won't draw any inferences).
And that's how it ended. I am doing OK with it all and glad that I tried. A little disappointed at myself for breaking NC and maybe even making her feel better about what she did by being so inviting and all, but I did hope I might be able to at least get some info and learn a little more about what led to it happening. Glad I tried though, and I don't think this has set me back personally at all.
There's the update, folks. The great news is like I said, no contact urges following that, and I am doing really great with myself, feeling good, optimistic, better every day, and excited about a bunch of upcoming stuff I have planned with friends.
It does all slowly get better with time. I am sure I may have a setback here and there, but I'm ready, and it definitely seems much less lately.
I certainly don't expect any newcomers to read the saga but those familiar with it might want to know where I'm currently at.
The short recap was that I was cheated on and lied to in some fashion around 2 months before my wedding to my live-in fiancee and was forced to break up with her and ask her to move out (she wanted out of the relationship anyway so it wasn't a big fight).
The thread above depicts the brief moments of contact we had after the breakup, except for one more bit of contact that I stupidly made a few days after she had been fully moved out. When I realized she wasn't with the guy anymore, and on her own (saw her trolling on a dating site), I sent her an e-mail to see if she'd be willing to meet up to talk about what happened (in the hopes I could understand more about what went wrong, though I did agree with the break-up being the right thing to do). I should have just stayed quiet. If anyone here goes into NO CONTACT make sure you stick with it. Everyone tells you it's stupid to try to initiate contact and they're totally right.
The e-mail was depicted in the last post of my thread:
Before this e-mail I had been in perfect NC for around a week since she had moved the last of her stuff out.
Today - I am happy to say I have been in complete NC for 3 weeks now (since the dumb e-mail). This included her birthday, often a perfect excuse for the weak to break NC but I didn't do it. And it's gotten heaps easier to stay this way, I have no temptations and have done a lot better to shield myself from her life. If anything sending that e-mail taught me, it was that she had resolved in the fact that the chapter of her life with me is a closed book, and she decided on a totally brand new life. Wow, amazing how they can do that but that's what it is.
Here's the kicker though -- I know I'm still not recovered from this one yet because, while I'm not sitting around waiting for a message or call or anything like that, and have been living my life, improving myself, even went on a couple dates, if she were to try to get in touch with me, I'd have a tough time not responding. Just being honest here. Especially if I got one of those major heartfelt "I was wrong" type apologies...All that said knowing her personality in our 4-year relationship, she'd rather die than admit she was wrong (stubbornness) so I don't expect this from her even if she really felt that way -- So just being honest here, while I have been able to let go, detach, work on myself, AND move on, I guess I can't say I am yet "over her"...Though considering at this time 2 months ago, as far as I know our R was solid and we had a wedding coming up, maybe that's to be expected.
Thanks again to all my friends here at the forum who were so supportive in the last mega-thread, apologies to those who I let down with my stumbles along the way, I can only say despite the best advice I am only human and I have made mistakes in the process along the way.
Someday when you're doing something random you will realize you're over it...
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Cheating Fiancee - The Sequel!
