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Old 05-06-2010, 09:46 AM
Location: Where we enjoy all four seasons
20,798 posts, read 8,196,945 times
Reputation: 15863


DMKK glad to hear from you...sounds like you are moving along and you wouldn't be human if you did not go through all the emotions.

I am guessing that once you get past what was supposed to be your wedding date you will breathe a sigh of relief...I don't think you mentioned a date but I am guessing sometime in June.

I think you will be fine ~ it's always good to look deep inside ourselves too and good for you for doing that.

Be well.

Last edited by crazyworld; 05-06-2010 at 09:54 AM..

Old 05-06-2010, 09:54 AM
190 posts, read 138,927 times
Reputation: 54
Regarding her friends: I am not sure if she is even working in that office anymore. In that last e-mail she sent me, she mentioned she was looking for a new job. Pretty much all her friends were the ones she made at this job (which she had only been at for around a year and a half). I think some are sticking by her, some not.

Her best friend, for example, who she works closely with at the office, was to be her maid of honor at the wedding. When she confided the cheating to her, this friend, who also liked me very much and happened to have been cheated on by a guy in the past, begged my ex to come clean with me. When she didn't, she took it upon herself to put me on the path of discovery on what was going on. I am thankful to her for this. She also informed me that my ex was "selfish" and only cared about herself, and that they would no longer be friends. I am still friends with this girl on facebook, though it looks like she is no longer friends with my ex -- They may still work together if my ex has not yet found a new place to work, and may even reconcile (not my concern really), though I think she did a lot of damage to this girl as well. After all, this girl, her maid of honor, was involved in the wedding to a greater degree, planning bridal showers, gifts, etc, and really got along great with me, so in not only leaving me but cheating on top of it, I think my ex damaged their friendship as much as she damaged our engagement.

Of all her failings, one of her best successes is the ability to run when the going gets tough. She ran from 2 engagements before ours. She changed jobs 4 times when we were together, if she is forced from this job, that will be job change #5 for her in 4 years. I suppose some people, once they are exposed as a cheater, need to distance themselves from as many people who know the situation to help with that fresh start. So she will have accomplished: new place to live, new set of friends, new boyfriend, new job. A total clean slate. I am not sure if that's an admirable accomplishment or just a really sad state of affairs to have to completely hit the reset button on life after cheating and running on a wedding and a 4 year relationship.

Ironically tomorrow I need to go into her office for my final visit. This will be the last bit of business I need to do there at all. Really it's mostly just to pick something up and settle up a bill. I always schedule appointments for Fridays as my ex does not work there on Fridays. And like I said she may not even work there at all anymore. So I'll see some of her friends but not her tomorrow. I doubt we will even talk about my ex at all. I have asked that we not talk about her as I am detaching and want to be in NC so better I not know at all what her situation is, and they have all been very respectful of that. The only thing the few of her co-worker friends and I talked about was that they felt I got a bad deal and they sympathized with me. However, I know how it is with co-workers, there has to be some civility there, and that even some of her other friends might even still remain close to her despite her cheating. But I think the nature of what she did is so well-known now that everyone in that office knows exactly what happened. So it's hard to cheer for her when they know that.

So in a way tomorrow is another milestone as the office is a very minor trigger as I used to see ex there, but after that, no more trips there and much less contact with her friends. But she usually leaves the old co-workers behind as friends when she job jumps and gets a new set of friends, so I figure that's changing for her as well. All not my concern anymore though, we are leading 2 separate lives totally independent of each other and have been for weeks.
Old 05-06-2010, 10:04 AM
190 posts, read 138,927 times
Reputation: 54
Crazyworld, Louise, Thursday...

Just wanted to say thanks for the words of encouragement. Having read up on this a lot I certainly know what the proper thing to do here is, if you play it by the book - Stone cold, emotionless, move on immediately, no contact, no looking back, etc...Though you understand the emotions at play sometimes make that more difficult.

I at least thing that despite my stumbles I am holding my head high enough that I walked away with some level of self-respect. Once I learned of the cheating I never once begged her to come back, and never wavered on the fact she had to move out. Granted, she too never once asked to stay or wanted to explain, tell the truth, or reconcile either, so it's not like I had a choice. But it also has made it easier to stay in NC and move on. It will just take time and distance from her for me to adjust to my new life!
Old 05-06-2010, 01:50 PM
Location: Alaska
5,347 posts, read 15,065,217 times
Reputation: 3958
Glad to hear from you DMKK. Sounds like you're progressing normally.

In some respects, you need to look at the bright side of this. Just think how much worse it would've been had she cheated after you were married. It's better you found out beforehand. BTW, have you thanked the maid of honor for cluing you in? Gives a whole new meaning to maid of honor as she was certainly honorable with you.
Old 05-06-2010, 03:07 PM
190 posts, read 138,927 times
Reputation: 54
She certainly was -- I thanked her many times as we chatted a bit on the phone as well as online when the relationship was breaking down. Since then we have not talked much at all but I definitely let her know how much I appreciated the info. In fact I will probably thank her again if I have the chance if I see her tomorrow at the office. I will probably be there all of 5/10 minutes tops anyway, just hoping no one tries to give me any info on the ex, as I feel not knowing ANYTHING is the best way to recover. I am pretty sure it will be just fine, though. Heck I think half the girls that work in that office are or were in dysfunctional relationships (back together with cheaters, etc) so they're no stranger to the drama!
Old 05-07-2010, 10:56 AM
190 posts, read 138,927 times
Reputation: 54
Interesting morning today so I just thought I'd report on it and give some detail I haven't before, I doubt ex is reading this thread or even looking for such a thing but if she is, oh well, I'll give details anyway.

Ex works in a dental office as an assistant. Before the affair, she had said I was grinding my teeth and arranged for me to come get measured for a night guard, her boss (the dentist) agreed to do it for me at cost which was great. After the breakup she encouraged me to go forward with the process and I wasn't sure, but when I realized they would work around her schedule so I didn't have to see her in the office (she doesn't work Fridays) I decided to go ahead and do it. The dentists there and the girls who work there all know me, as ex has been there 1.5 years or so and there have been many social events together. I am well liked, as I'm one of those people who does very well in group situations with conversation, etc. Outgoing personality.

So anyway, you know how dentist's offices are, mostly girls, and a lot of them, so it's like high school all over again - Lots of drama. This is new information I am posting here, but I knew this from the start - The OM is/was a patient in this office and that is how my ex met him. Apparently he is a well-liked patient with a connection to the dentist who owns the practice (my ex's boss, son of a friend of his I do believe). So basically, there was no way that the cheating/affair wasn't big drama/talk at the office. In fact when it came to light I believe some of the girls there were so disgusted that they approached the dentist about firing her though I believe he didn't want to get involved and just sort of looked the other way.

So, some background there that's new. Also, other background. Our wedding was to be a week from tomorrow. Next Saturday. Before the affair, we noticed that a local beer festival that we loved and attended last year was being held on the same day and lamented having to miss it this year. Now that the wedding is off, naturally, all my male friends and I bought tickets and are attending next weekend, making a positive out of the day. So that's next Saturday. Ex and I attended the fest last year and had a great time.

End of background.

So today was my last visit to the office to pick up my mouth guard and make sure it fit ok. Obviously no ex as I know she's off. Got a lot of hellos and greetings from the girls who were there today. They all know me. I was in a great mood and very upbeat (not pretending either, though even if I was in a bad mood I would have). After all moving on and living well is the way to handle these things. Got lots of "How are you doing?" type questions, the answer was always the same -- Doing GREAT, really good, having a lot of fun, enjoying the spring, etc. Got a couple "You look good, you have lost some weight!" type remarks as well. Thanked them for that.

Appointment went well, was there around a half an hour as adjustments were made. Lots of small talk with the dentists and girls about my recent Vegas trip and upcoming plans. Everyone was good about not mentioning ex at all (except for one small thing I'll get to in a moment) as they know I don't need/want to discuss or know how/what she is doing.

So anyway, all of this office was invited to the wedding next weekend obviously so they knew it was coming, and since everyone has off, I guess there were now a lot of plans for some of the girls and their SO's to attend the beer festival as well next weekend. I let them know I was going as well. Then the one girl, the main assistant (this is the same one who told me I was "dealt a bad hand" and sympathized with me last time I was in) said that she wanted me to know that ex really wanted to go, but figured I would be attending so she would not be, and that she wanted me to know that I had nothing to worry about with running into my ex there. I was glad she told me as I honestly did have a slight bit of worry I would run into her next weekend - ON OUR WOULD BE WEDDING DAY! To know that she and OM or whomever she is seeing now have the good sense to stay away, despite a lot of the other girls in her office attending, that's a GOOD thing. Because I wasn't about to not go with all my friends, some of whom were coming in from out of town for the wedding, just because she was going to show up. So anyway, we left it at that, on the way out a few of the girls said they look forward to seeing me there next weekend, which is fine. I am on good terms with them all and don't use them as crutches to talk about my ex or anything like that. If anything, they just see a guy who is happy and content and living a good life and that's the truth.

So on the way out, the head dentist, my ex's boss, walks up to me again (we had been making small talk about fishing, etc earlier) and says something to the effect of "So how are you doing with everything else, you getting by ok?" etc...I let him know I was doing really well, and happy, and everything was fine. And this was the kicker (keep in mind this is her BOSS saying this to me, who definitely knows about the A with the OM, his friend's son I believe) - He says to me: "Believe me, this is a GOOD thing", with such conviction, in such a simple statement but with the inflection he was saying so much more (though others were around so he didn't want to make a scene) -- But he was basically saying, to me, I know what she did, I know how this girl is, you are dodging a bullet here. That was how it came across. So I told him I appreciated him saying that, he wished me well, shook hands, and I was on my way. Thanked him again for giving me the great deal on the guard and not making any money off me, he said he was happy to do it at cost.

Anyway, interesting day -- Since I now have the mouth guard I'm done with that dental office (I have a regular dentist anyway, was just going there because of the good deal from ex). So that should be the end there. I may see some of her office friends at the fest next weekend, on the old wedding day, maybe not, it's a big place, but it was a big relief to see she at least has the sense to not be attending despite the fact many others in the office are.

I also realize that a lot of it may have been probing to see if I was going, and that if I wasn't she may have changed her tune, but regardless, I'm happy. And best of all, I was in a great mood today, feeling good, and I think what they saw in that office today was a guy that's strong and doing very well in life without her.
Old 05-07-2010, 12:37 PM
190 posts, read 138,927 times
Reputation: 54
By the way something funny I noticed with talking with everyone (mostly her side) who knew about the affair...everyone seems afraid to actually out and out use the words...affair...cheating...wedding...I guess in the real world it makes people uncomfortable, just seems weird after talking about it so openly here. Just an observation. They know, but seem very uncomfortable to bring it up except in very vague terms.
Old 05-07-2010, 12:51 PM
Location: CA - Northern part
13,659 posts, read 6,934,676 times
Reputation: 10735
Originally Posted by DMKK View Post
By the way something funny I noticed with talking with everyone (mostly her side) who knew about the affair...everyone seems afraid to actually out and out use the words...affair...cheating...wedding...I guess in the real world it makes people uncomfortable, just seems weird after talking about it so openly here. Just an observation. They know, but seem very uncomfortable to bring it up except in very vague terms.
That reticence is from politeness, I would believe...

Here in cyberspace there is quite a removal from the actual events and problems; all we have are words and on top of everything else, we're all anonymous. You yourself quite likely have written here more candidly and explicitly than what you've said in person to your own friends. Again, because of the anonymity here. And....you asked our advice.
Old 05-08-2010, 09:10 AM
190 posts, read 138,927 times
Reputation: 54
That makes a lot of sense. Cyberspace and anonymity are a lot different than in person...Especially with all her co-workers and friends who probably find it double awkward because they have to see her every day and somehow deal with what she did...It's probably tough for them to fathom how I am coping/dealing with it and I assume they probably think I'd be in pieces or angry or breaking down or whatever. At least that was the impression I got yesterday, everyone asking "How ARE you?" with such concern, like I should be all balled up on the floor every night or something. They were probably surprised to see such a happy, healthy person yesterday.
Old 05-08-2010, 10:33 AM
Location: Corydon, IN
3,506 posts, read 3,786,500 times
Reputation: 6918
Dentist was offering more than encouragement OR his 2 cents on the affair (which you now know happened).

He was offering you his OPINION on your ex.

Look at it from a guy's point of view with regard to someone who is a passing acquaintance -- NOT a friend, just a good guy with whom he's become acquainted.

He knew about the marriage-to-be, the affair, etc. Yet he's a professional who has no interest in office nonsense, getting involved or any of the drama.

He came to you on the side and in private, as befits a man; it's the PROPER way. And he asked how YOU were doing, which means he recognized the severity of the event.

And then -- as her boss, as a man who has worked with her, as a man who has heard the chit-chat and gossip around the office even if he had NO intention of getting involved, as a man with some education -- he didn't just say I hope you're okay, good luck or any of that stuff.

He looked you dead in the eye and he emphasized: This is a GOOD thing.

This was no casual statement of hey, you dodged a bullet there. He was letting you know that you REALLY dodged a bullet, the real deal, the genuine article.

You need to take that knowledge to bed with you, really suck it in and digest it because trust me, that little moment may have told you the real importance of all that has happened to you. You may not even realize how fortunate you were.
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