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Old 06-28-2012, 05:01 PM
 
Location: NoVa
18,432 posts, read 34,244,260 times
Reputation: 19814

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I was thinking of this when I was driving to the grocery store today. =/ Why do we pick the people we pick? What about them makes us want to be with them? Has this changed? Can we change?

After leaving my ex husband I never wanted to be with another man again. Ever. Then I never wanted to be with anyone like him. Ever.

Well of course, since then I have come around and I have dated. I had a terrible 2 year relationship and an ok 2 month dating whatever that was. In between I have dated, some good some bad.

I knew that I did not want to be single, and I knew that I wanted a man who had been there and done that. I have been married with children and I was basically looking for someone of the like. I wanted someone who could just enjoy the simple things in life and didn't care a whole lot about 'things.'

I could not imagine a man in my age bracket not having been married or had children. I know people are going to get all bent out of shape over that comment, but it is just what I am used to as far as the people I have been surrounded by all of my life. It is not looking down on someone.

Well I met a man who had been in a relationship basically once. He had never been married, and does not have children, other than his exes daughter who he feels is a like daughter to him. These things already went against what I was looking for.

He is all about things! He has everything. You can't even buy him anything because he has everything!!! He researches everything before he buys it.

I had been dating 'pretty boys' with degrees. I thought that was what I wanted and what was good for me. I think because it was the furthest thing from what my ex husband was is why I sought it.

He is a blue collar man nothing like what I had been dating. At all. My whole outlook was different. He was not my type and I paid him no mind. For three days. He was too far away, not my type. Whatever reason to not have anything to do with him.

We have been together for quite some time now and the dinner is on the stove. He is home from work sitting in his recliner, with his hands resting above his head. Beautiful blue eyes. Caring eyes. He treats me better than I have ever been treated before in my life, would give me the world. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I almost passed him by.

Have you ever tried to look outside your box?
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:13 PM
 
Location: Reno, NV
5,987 posts, read 10,435,250 times
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Sounds like you found someone who likes and respects you for who you are, and you are doing the same. I am happy for you.

After learning so much from my first marriage and subsequent dating, I came to know myself and what made me happy. I deliberately sought someone who would be compatible in the ways important to me - and this was a departure from what I would have once thought was my ideal match. It has worked beautifully for us both for over 12 years now.
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:17 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,071 posts, read 107,036,480 times
Reputation: 115868
They say we tend to pick people who recreate our family-of-origin issues, unless we've put in a lot of work to resolve that baggage. You managed to figure out from experience and reflection what you were doing wrong, or what you needed to do differently, and it's worked! Congratulations! I love happy endings.
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:24 PM
 
28,896 posts, read 53,973,059 times
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It's a good question. I think we often have this preconceived notion of who is going to be good for us and that's the only kind of person we look at. And, of course, there are those who base their entire criteria on looks alone.

Early in my dating life, kept dating the same kind of girl over and over again. But I realized I was bored stiff by them. Then I went for the artistic type. But I realized that they were almost all completely neurotic. So I hit my mid-twenties and decided I would just date anyone interesting and fun who crossed my path, archetypes be damned. My next date was with MrsCPG.

Similarly, people often just keep dating the same person again and again without realizing it. And then they wonder why they are so unhappy in their dating lives. It sometimes is about taking an objective look at who you are and what you're doing and making a conscious deliberate change in order to find happiness.
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:33 PM
 
Location: Up in the air
19,112 posts, read 30,547,468 times
Reputation: 16394
I wish I had the option to 'choose' to date outside my 'type'

I like mechanics and guys that work with their hands. Welders, construction workers, electricians etc. but I've never actually dated one. Most of the guys I meet are pretty average... Rarely a college degree, usually working a retail job and living with roommates.

The only two guys I dated seriously were a tennis guy (worked at a tennis place, played tennis) and a guy who ended up being a furry and making crafts for Ren Faires.

I think I need to get out more
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:56 PM
 
Location: NoVa
18,432 posts, read 34,244,260 times
Reputation: 19814
Quote:
Originally Posted by TaoistDude View Post
Sounds like you found someone who likes and respects you for who you are, and you are doing the same. I am happy for you.

After learning so much from my first marriage and subsequent dating, I came to know myself and what made me happy. I deliberately sought someone who would be compatible in the ways important to me - and this was a departure from what I would have once thought was my ideal match. It has worked beautifully for us both for over 12 years now.
Thank you, and it is true. We love and respect each other for who we are, and neither wants to change the other.

I guess I didn't know what my type was. He was nothing I was looking for and everything I needed. My ex husband was blue collar and I did not want that. My boyfriend is management in blue collar. He respects me and has never said an unkind word to me.

His family is wonderful and this means a lot. My ex husbands family, in the beginning, seemed 'too perfect' I was too young to understand that this meant that they had issues they were hiding, and boy did they ever.

He became the type of husband and parent that his mother and step father were and it was not a good thing. I was eager to meet my bfs family..... very nice people and I see where he gets it from...
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Old 06-28-2012, 06:04 PM
 
Location: NoVa
18,432 posts, read 34,244,260 times
Reputation: 19814
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
They say we tend to pick people who recreate our family-of-origin issues, unless we've put in a lot of work to resolve that baggage. You managed to figure out from experience and reflection what you were doing wrong, or what you needed to do differently, and it's worked! Congratulations! I love happy endings.
I really believe this to be true. The man I met and got into a relationship with after my ex and I separated was the exact opposite of my ex, I thought. He was a man with a PhD and he was lovely to look at with pretty green eyes and a nice tan complexion. He was very intelligent and took me places I had never been before. In the beginning he was wonderful but as time went by he became controlling as well as emotionally abusive. He was everything my ex husband was but intelligent about it. He used different methods but did the same thing.

I became so picky and choosy. I knew what I didn't want and tried to find what I did want. I fell into the looks of a man. I wanted him to be everything I wanted and needed and be pretty while he was doing it. I laugh now.

I look at this man sitting across from me and he was not what I was looking for at all. Now I can't imagine a day without him. I love how he came over and kissed me and thanked me for dinner, told me it was good. I love how his eyes looked into mine....

I did finally figure out what I needed to do differently, and it IS my happy ending! =)
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Old 06-28-2012, 06:10 PM
 
Location: NoVa
18,432 posts, read 34,244,260 times
Reputation: 19814
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
It's a good question. I think we often have this preconceived notion of who is going to be good for us and that's the only kind of person we look at. And, of course, there are those who base their entire criteria on looks alone.

Early in my dating life, kept dating the same kind of girl over and over again. But I realized I was bored stiff by them. Then I went for the artistic type. But I realized that they were almost all completely neurotic. So I hit my mid-twenties and decided I would just date anyone interesting and fun who crossed my path, archetypes be damned. My next date was with MrsCPG.

Similarly, people often just keep dating the same person again and again without realizing it. And then they wonder why they are so unhappy in their dating lives. It sometimes is about taking an objective look at who you are and what you're doing and making a conscious deliberate change in order to find happiness.
I think you're right. I never really had an early dating life. I married my high school sweetheart. We were together from 1990 to 2007. I withstood a lot. After we separated and after that first relationship I dated a lot of different guys, or at least went on a lot of dates. For the most part they were all the same man, so I know what you're talking about.

Until I decided to take a step outside the box.
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Old 06-28-2012, 06:12 PM
 
Location: NoVa
18,432 posts, read 34,244,260 times
Reputation: 19814
Quote:
Originally Posted by JetJockey View Post
I wish I had the option to 'choose' to date outside my 'type'

I like mechanics and guys that work with their hands. Welders, construction workers, electricians etc. but I've never actually dated one. Most of the guys I meet are pretty average... Rarely a college degree, usually working a retail job and living with roommates.

The only two guys I dated seriously were a tennis guy (worked at a tennis place, played tennis) and a guy who ended up being a furry and making crafts for Ren Faires.

I think I need to get out more
This is what my guy does. He can fix anything, do anything. He is also in management but no college. Wondering why you haven't found any of who you think are your type?
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Old 06-28-2012, 07:49 PM
 
Location: USA
1,818 posts, read 2,676,239 times
Reputation: 4173
I have a type and when dating I stuck to that type. Blue collar, big old teddy bear guys. Then I married the exact opposite. Skinny, little guy that wanted to be white collar but didn't want to get the credentials. It was not a pretty time.

So now I'm back to my type, big teddy bear guys. I am prejudiced I will admit. I will not consider a little skinny guy ever again. Brings back too many bad memories.
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