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So...today is the day.
We are having a drink after work today... I have a pit in my stomach, and wrote down exactly what I want to say. I want to tell him "this is how I feel. That is all I wanted to say and you don't have to say anything..You can go if that's what you want" I feel like he is not looking forward to seeing me and is more just doing this as the one last thing needed to be off the hook and I am trying to have no expectations, hoping but preparing for the worst...
Any last minute advice or words of encouragement?! It is make it or break it time for me, and a HUGE risk putting myself out there..
I'm terrified!!
Thanks,
Kate
Check your coats in the closet and have a good time.
Best of luck to you -- be positive and upbeat and not show disappointment if this doesn't end like you desire. (and it isn't "break" time; you'll be fine and better for steping out like this.)
So...today is the day.
We are having a drink after work today... I have a pit in my stomach, and wrote down exactly what I want to say. I want to tell him "this is how I feel. That is all I wanted to say and you don't have to say anything..You can go if that's what you want" I feel like he is not looking forward to seeing me and is more just doing this as the one last thing needed to be off the hook and I am trying to have no expectations, hoping but preparing for the worst...
Any last minute advice or words of encouragement?! It is make it or break it time for me, and a HUGE risk putting myself out there..
I'm terrified!!
Thanks,
Kate
Sorry I was away all day and didn't see this sooner Kate!
Please come back and give us an update when you can, and I do hope things went well
Well,
Drinks did not go as well as planned but here I am looking for some feedback once again..
Maybe some of you can decipher this. Things started out really well, catching up, laughing, talking about work, friends etc. after about a half hour, he says "I'm really glad you called for drinks Katie, I was surprised but excited about it, I've missed you" So then we proceed to start talking and I laid all my cards on the table. ALL of them. I told him everything. And he responded the same way he did the last time!! "It's not you, its me. Your so amazing and I don't know what's wrong but something was just missing" "I know I %@&'ed up alot of things and I'm sorry" "I just figured feelings between us would be more spontaneous-but I was scared of what you would do"
"I thought it would go away, but it didn't" On and on and on. He said "I know you've heard awful things and your friends hate me, and I know all that stuff is gonna get in your head.."
I stayed pretty calm the whole time and he said he couldn't believe I was being like this about it. I said well, it's pretty cut and dry~ it just is what it is I guess, and he said "yeah, I guess so"
He said that he wanted so bad to stay friends, that it was so important. I asked why, and if he was friends with any other exes and he said no. "But your different. I don't want you to not be in my life"
We ended up going back and forth for awhile and leaving because he got upset.
I called and left him a message about 20 minutes later and said that everything would be ok and we would get to a good place at some point.
He then called me back and started going off like crazy!! Told me to just let him speak:
I'm so sorry- I never wanted to hurt you and it kills me- I took you to meet my family-my mom and brother both love you so much-I would never do that If I didn't have real feelings- You're just so amazing, and I can't explain it,-You have such an amazing life and all these people that you can talk to, I don't talk to anyone about anything -I wasn't trying to be selfish- i was just trying to figure out my feelings-etc...etc... We ended the conversation saying that we would talk again soon.
My thought is that he just isn't ready and can't handle a relationship. Or he's confused or something, scared maybe??
I have no idea..It was a lot of back and forth again. "You're the perfect girl and this is awful and I think about you every day." And then, "Something wasn't right, missing" I asked what it was so I can apply it to the next person I meet, and he wouldn't answer me. Nothing. He wouldn't tell me WHY he wasn't happy, or WHAT it was that was missing or WHY he wouldn't talk to me, just "I don't know"
I am ready and happy to hear what my next move should be....I have not intention of contacting him again.
This roller coaster has to stop sometime!! Thoughts out there??
Thanks,
Kate
You're right. Don't contact him. The pain will last longer if you don't make a clean break. He's feeling guilty, but not guilty enough to change his feelings. Sounds like he's too immature for an adult relationship.
Your next move should be getting on with you life without him. Sounds like he wanted out but didn't want to hurt you. He wanted it to be easy and let you down easy by placing the blame on himself, but there is no easy way out. Someone is going to get hurt. Don't call him, and do not continue to over-analyze this. If he wanted to be with you he would. It's time for you to put him in the past and move on. Not as easy to do as it is to say, but you've done everything that you can from your end.
"You're so amazing both something's missing....you're so awesome but something's missing...My family loves you but something's missing.... blah blah blah" .... sensing a theme here? He doesn't want to be with you but is probably going through that post-relationship waffling because he doesn't want to be alone but he really doesn't want you either, and he doesn't want to feel guilty about it, he's trying to allay his guilt.
Stop engaging in this back-and-forth with him and move on. You deserve better than to be jerked around by someone emotionally who says I have strong feelings for you but on the other hand something isn't quite right and can we be friends now?
Uh, no, we can't.
Someone else will appreciate you. Is it his age? I doubt it, he doesn't sound very mature. At least you got some jewelry out of it!!
Well,
Drinks did not go as well as planned but here I am looking for some feedback once again..
Maybe some of you can decipher this. Things started out really well, catching up, laughing, talking about work, friends etc. after about a half hour, he says "I'm really glad you called for drinks Katie, I was surprised but excited about it, I've missed you" So then we proceed to start talking and I laid all my cards on the table. ALL of them. I told him everything. And he responded the same way he did the last time!! "It's not you, its me. Your so amazing and I don't know what's wrong but something was just missing" "I know I %@&'ed up alot of things and I'm sorry" "I just figured feelings between us would be more spontaneous-but I was scared of what you would do"
"I thought it would go away, but it didn't" On and on and on. He said "I know you've heard awful things and your friends hate me, and I know all that stuff is gonna get in your head.."
I stayed pretty calm the whole time and he said he couldn't believe I was being like this about it. I said well, it's pretty cut and dry~ it just is what it is I guess, and he said "yeah, I guess so"
He said that he wanted so bad to stay friends, that it was so important. I asked why, and if he was friends with any other exes and he said no. "But your different. I don't want you to not be in my life"
We ended up going back and forth for awhile and leaving because he got upset.
I called and left him a message about 20 minutes later and said that everything would be ok and we would get to a good place at some point.
He then called me back and started going off like crazy!! Told me to just let him speak:
I'm so sorry- I never wanted to hurt you and it kills me- I took you to meet my family-my mom and brother both love you so much-I would never do that If I didn't have real feelings- You're just so amazing, and I can't explain it,-You have such an amazing life and all these people that you can talk to, I don't talk to anyone about anything -I wasn't trying to be selfish- i was just trying to figure out my feelings-etc...etc... We ended the conversation saying that we would talk again soon.
My thought is that he just isn't ready and can't handle a relationship. Or he's confused or something, scared maybe??
I have no idea..It was a lot of back and forth again. "You're the perfect girl and this is awful and I think about you every day." And then, "Something wasn't right, missing" I asked what it was so I can apply it to the next person I meet, and he wouldn't answer me. Nothing. He wouldn't tell me WHY he wasn't happy, or WHAT it was that was missing or WHY he wouldn't talk to me, just "I don't know"
I am ready and happy to hear what my next move should be....I have not intention of contacting him again.
This roller coaster has to stop sometime!! Thoughts out there??
Thanks,
Kate
Kate, please go back and reread this whole thread - only this time ignore cdubs advice and pay closer attention to mine...especially where I said this in my first post to you - it is more true than ever:
Kate, I know you are hurt and confused - which can make it very hard to see the forest for the trees sometimes.
What happened was, he really WANTED this relationship to be the one for him. Obviously, you are a great catch and have some very redeeming qualities he truly wants in a mate. But like trying to buy a pair of shoes you need to be just right and comfortable to wear all the time, he was trying on the relationship to see if it was a good fit. Turns out in the end, he didn't think the fit was right - so he's going to get back to shopping around.
Try not to take this personally, you did not do anything wrong - and neither did he really. When a relationship isn't right for both people, it's not right period. Try hard to see it that way and just move on
Kate, I know this is a little late, but I've been taking a break from all this dating nonsense lately as well. It sounds he has some personal issues that are beyond anything regarding you. If I've learned anything this past week, you shared everything you could with him, you left it on the table, and it didn't work, so it's done and you have nothing to feel bad about, you should have no regrets. You had reason to think he broke it off because of something regarding you personally, but now you know the truth, and that it's nothing you can solve. As for being friends, only do it if you're comfortable and if you can handle it and be completely over him. You may want to give it time, like a few months, before you decide to be his friend or not.
Good luck, I wish you the best, I wish I could meet women more like you. Keep your chin up.
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