The evolution of social circles (wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, married)

[Sprawling_Homeowner]

A frequent theme I've seen in my very few years on this forum is the topic of friendships which die. Either they slowly fade away, or people move and both parties lose touch, there is a huge fight and people never talk again, or there is a build-up of angst and frustration which goes unresolved.

The advent of the Internet, with Facebook, MySpace, etc., has made it possible for us to reconnect with friends and acquaintances we had not seen in many years. In some cases (and it's certainly been the case with me a few times), re-connecting with people from the past has been exhilarating and wonderful. I've found a former girlfriend who is now married and a mom (albeit through the Internet, through a completely random Google search where her name just came up); I've been contacted by a woman I always got along with extremely well, but whom I never spent much time with due to her graduating earlier and having had a boyfriend, after over 10 years. And recently, a former coworker, who relocated to her home country years ago, found me on FB. (This was particulary sweet because we had a very short-lived romantic affair which ended in a very friendly manner, and because she was one of the sweetest women I've ever had the pleasures of knowing.).

But at the same time, sometimes these social networking tools bring back people that when we look at them now, it's almost hard to believe that they were once individuals whom we considered as lifelong friends; indeed, as "BFFs" years before this term was created. Of course, as we grow and age, we all change, and even if those from our youth remain in the same area as we do as we enter adult lfie, we all evolve. We all meet new and different friends; our tastes change; etc.

And in my 30s, I've found myself not only developing and evolving even further, but also being more and more sure that there are people from earlier times who really do not fit in my social life in any way right now.

"Phil" is my age (36). Met him in early high school, but we lived in different towns. By chance we ended up in the same college and grew close; on our 3rd year, we were roommates. But he was a cheap and selfish individual and when confronted, he angrily claimed his cheapness needed no justification. The friendship died that night even though he later apologized and asked for a second chance.

(That's when I learned something about me: if you're my friend, and you intentionally double-cross me, taking advantage of me, you are no longer my friend.)

"Kenny" is 37. I met him in college and on my 3rd year, he was a suitemate of mine along with Phil and 3 other guys. Kenny was never cheap, but we never became extremely close. He and I kept in touch throughout the 1990s, lost touch, and got back in touch earlier this decade. He got married early. In recent years we met for dinner, but it became increasingly evident that he was too shallow (not materialistically; he just isn't a deep person and there is nothing to talk about with him) for me. He then began to commit a number of social gaffes (repetitive lateness to get-togethers, ranging from 30 minutes to 3 hours). I began to get tired until one time he openly lied to me in front of his wife and another married couple. John (the husband from the other couple) knew I was already angry and he later told me he feared I would've assaulted Kenny. In fact, it was so blatant that had Kenny's wife not been there, I might've decked him. I was already on the edge of losing my temper. Kenny is now "persona non grata" and he is never invited to any event I organize, and I barely speak to him on events where he and I are both guests (which thankfully are very few).

"Jack" is perhaps the "sad" story. Jack is Phil's cousin, and I met Jack when I started junior high. We became extremely close throughout adolescence, and college saw us separate. But we were always close. Fast forward many years: Jack returns to town after some time abroad after 9/11. He wants to make amends and I'm cold at first, but I forgive him and we reconcile at his wedding. But he's now different. He won't respond to my invitations. I give up. We lose touch, and he finds me on FB. I accept him as a friend, but I soon severely restrict access. Jack can't see my pictures, my wall, my friends... he can barely see anything. Jack in fact was the one guy I thought I'd always be tight with. But Jack would not "fit" in my social life in any way now, and not because he's married. We have become too different.

"Ramsey" is unique. We're STILL friends; in fact, we've known each other for 30 years. But after our early teens we lived very far from each other, and we were reunited in our early 20s. We hung out a lot over the next few years and re-established our friendship, but I soon noticed we were way too different. He's rather closed, and does not let people "in." It's more than a man being unable to get in touch w/ his emotions. He just shuts everybody out in that sense. Today we are still friends, but we meet primarily when one of us visits the other’s town. I sense that if we lived in the same town, we would have very little to talk about because of how divergent our lifestyles are.

At the same time, I’ve made some new friends in recent time, and kept a few very special ones from college, including my best buddy Sanny who is marrying within the next 12 months. With the new friends, we do have enough things in common for a friendship to exist – and while I wouldn’t rule out the possibility of our friendships later fading due to whatever reasons, at least for now, we do get along well enough to spend time together on a regular basis.

Such is life… such is life.