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Written ALMOST as well as my buddy Urban would have written it
I completely understand where you are coming from and your thought that you should "stay with the devil you are familiar with" versus volunteering for life with new devils you don't know, lol.
But, I don't think she really HAS to stay, nor do I agree that she should. If she has an adult mentor in her life that can help her get situated in a better environment, THAT would be best for her.
She's not gonna stay with her mom forever, Loves. This is only temporary I guess. She'll eventually move out and it will happen slowly. Frankly, the economy is still slow.
She's lucky she's only 24. I know ex co-workers in 30s crashing in with moms and dads, sending out resumes and doing menial jobs to make money here and there. These guys used to work in suits in the not so distant past. Another American problem - they live paycheque to paycheque, and use a ton of credit cards. One guy drives a porsche and is still making about 1100 in payment and does not have a job still. I'm helping him find one and it's so hard. And many of these people have kids who are crashing in the homes of the in-laws.
I can't afford university so I go to community college on financial aide. and yes, at my age, I am working 3 jobs, if you read that at all and once again, I am doing what I can. I have always had a job except for the 1 month I was unemployed because I was laid off. If I could afford even 200 a month for cheap housing, you bet I'd be on it, but at most, I can pay for utilities somewhere, which we know is not enough and is not acceptable anywhere that I've heard of. So please don't make me sound like I'm being an irresponsible brat. I just came here asking for other options, which in my eyes is taking responsibility. If that makes me 16, then fine. My mother even knows how hard I work and how hard I'm trying to move out, but its not enough for her because I'm still here.
Ok, then she doesn't have to thank me, but she wouldn't have any of the help she has gotten from me if I didn't live with her simply because I'm here and easily reachable to her, she has even said that to me. I've thought about military, but I'm terrified of it and I have minor health problems that I'm not so sure would prevent me from going in or not and on top of it, my mother would rather put up with me than have me risk my life for our country, which I completely appreciate and respect all those that do of course! Also, I realize you're speaking as a mother, but if you met me and my mother, you would know. Even other mothers (my friends mothers and so on) who have met her agree that she is impossible and see that I do what I can to be as responsible as I can be with whatever resources I have. They don't blame me for blowing up at her sometimes as much as I don't want to and hate hurting her feelings. My mother is a great person overall, and is very generous and caring, but some things about her personality just don't line up with me and most of society. I've seen her put complete strangers down right in front of me and I have to apologize for her, which is mortifying. Its little things like that, that make it hard to respect her, as much as I want to. I can't make you understand this situation over a message board, but just understand that what you're reading isn't all of it. There are years and years of stories, but at this point, this is the pressing issue. Regardless, your response is what I expected so its ok and I appreciate your input. I know you're just trying to help and I'm sure if we ever met in real life, we would probably get along just fine. The internet doesn't represent people the way they really are so I don't blame you for judging I guess.
mir86, I read your other post and my heart goes out to you. I have been stranded a few times in Los Angles and miraculously made it through unscathed.
First of all, the number one thing you need to focus on when you are trying to figure out your life is to have a clean safe place to lay your head at night. If you don't have that, achieving more significant things in your life will be VERY difficult.
So with that said, you do need to move out, but if you don't have the money you need to be creative about it like LovesMountains said.
Not sure if you are a girl or guy, but if you are a girl, there are MANY programs that cater to offering shelter for women. Pick up a phone book and just explain to the woman's shelter that the situation is escalating in your home and that you are looking for a place to live; places as such also help with employment. Don't expect the Ritz Carton, but it should be cleaner then your friends pad. Also, if you are a female, I don't recommend that you sleep in your car.
But if you are a guy, and you have ZERO alternative living options, and where you currently stay is completely unbearable, you could drive to a high end collage campus like Arizona State and just sleep in your car nearby student apartments, and in the morning use the showers and heat any food that you have in the cafeteria (or just eat cafeteria food). Hay, you just might get lucky and meet and girl on campus and she will let you stay at her place.
As far as your jobs, I don't see how you have 3 jobs, and yet you don't have enough money to even rent a room. About 7 years ago I use to work at Burger King in a upscale area outside of Los Angeles, and yet, I was able to pay the 600 per month room to rent, along with my food each month.
About the military; DON'T DO IT unless military life was something you always waned to do. Trust me, you think your life is bad now, well it COULD get worse once you sign on the dotted line because they will OWN YOU as soon as you sign up. As a matter of fact, this is one tactic how how the government gets more people in the military; they tank the economy which then causes people to jump in the military looking for financial relief.
Lastly, and more on the jobs, it's better to find 1 good job then work 2-3. I have been there and it's just another trap that drains all of your energy.
Yeah, I understood your situation rightaway when you said "you love your mom to death"
It means she is not a total psycho or a maniac, but it's the hourly, daily, week to week things here and there, the little stuff, which tend to snowball into serious issues and blow-ups.
When me and my Dad go into the outside world, everyone would compliment us on how good he's raised a boy, and how much respect I pay him. But on a granular level, the relationship between him and I was complex. It was a medley of the best times and the worst times. And it's difficult for others to analyze your situation and even offer fair perspective, unless they realize the complexity of two personal characters.
For a parent, no matter the vagaries in his/her character, having a kid is much easier than having an adult. If I were 10 years old, Daddy would be carrying me overhead, buying me icecream. But he was dealing with a 21 year old adult (it's a fact, even the most loving parent gets into a rough patch if the adult son or daughter lived at home) In hindsight, I'd say I invaded his space and he invaded mine, coz we were living in the same house. The moment I went out into the world and progressed into my career life, he was living 200 miles away and love blossomed. He'd make surprise visits and we'd go have food. I'll give him an earful on my ambitions.
It's always tough for the dad/son and the mom/daughter combo. If the genders differed, it's a wholly different story. I don't have a single blow-up with mom and never will.
I'm gonna put my business strategist cap now. You're presently swimming in a pool of crap and you are in its midst. With all the stench, you are trying to jump into a neighbouring pool of crap (to deal with new unknown stench) I'm saying, continue swimming and get ashore, rather than speculating on experimenting with new waters.
Just remember that a known sea with known sharks is better to swim through than unknown oceans with a whole new set of sharks.
Again, just put up with mom. Those who are asking you to move are asking you to move with no solution in sight. Move out and then what? Deal with new issues? You should get out of the whole mess rather than get into new mess. Mom will be fine, keep the distance and tread carefully, like walking on broken glasses.
The economy is improving, 2011 is a good year. You should never make a bad situation worse, in the name of fixing it. I can definitely gather that moving out of here is not going to make the situation better. It solves only one issue - MOM - and she is not your number 1 problem. Your number 1 problem is your education/job situation.
That was long. I'm gonna have to prefix "Urban" to my nickname LMAO
wow, thank you for seeing it! I believe you said your dad was Indian right? My mother is Israeli so I think the foreign societies our parents grew up in has something to do with it. I'm a very understanding person so I try to see it especially since I've been to Israel and loved it, but it definitely is a European society mixed with middle eastern traditions where the effects of military life there stays with you even when you get out. She's not a total psycho, you're right about that, but she has moments and it drives me to psychosis as well in those moments (ew! haha) and like you, everyone always tells my mother how poised and sweet I am and what a wonderful child she raised, lol. Regardless, that is never enough for her.
I've been just putting up with mom all this time and it is a lot better than getting out and having more problems and in some ways I think to her its better than me going off to Iraq/Afghanistan to possibly get killed if I were left to join the military. And yes, my job/school situation is the problem at hand, more so than her, but I do love my mom and don't want to have to cut her out once I'm out, but it looks like I might have to, at least somewhat if I'm to be a functional human being.
you're right that the economy is improving, still in AZ that doesn't mean much, it never has, especially for my skill sets (mostly retail and hospitality). so it means I must leave this beautiful, mountainous desert the minute I can. My best friend and I were talking about NC last night because we've heard good things about their economy and at least I'd know her and another friend 2 hours away so I wouldn't be starting over completely as far as friends go. If this all goes through, it would be when I get my MA certificate next year, which gives me more time to save up for moving money. and my mom will never have to deal with me again, haha!
Lovesmountains- I'm Jewish, but I never got involved with Temple as a child, other than by force because of my mom, just because once we left NY, the Jewish society seemed weird to me here in AZ. I don't really have any mentors and wouldn't know where to find one and begin networking to get into a liveable situation like one you're describing. I really am in a pickle.
you're right that the economy is improving, still in AZ that doesn't mean much, it never has, especially for my skill sets (mostly retail and hospitality
Afraid I don't get this part - if there is anything here, it IS retail and hospitality!
mir86, I read your other post and my heart goes out to you. I have been stranded a few times in Los Angles and miraculously made it through unscathed.
First of all, the number one thing you need to focus on when you are trying to figure out your life is to have a clean safe place to lay your head at night. If you don't have that, achieving more significant things in your life will be VERY difficult.
So with that said, you do need to move out, but if you don't have the money you need to be creative about it like LovesMountains said.
Not sure if you are a girl or guy, but if you are a girl, there are MANY programs that cater to offering shelter for women. Pick up a phone book and just explain to the woman's shelter that the situation is escalating in your home and that you are looking for a place to live; places as such also help with employment. Don't expect the Ritz Carton, but it should be cleaner then your friends pad. Also, if you are a female, I don't recommend that you sleep in your car.
But if you are a guy, and you have ZERO alternative living options, and where you currently stay is completely unbearable, you could drive to a high end collage campus like Arizona State and just sleep in your car nearby student apartments, and in the morning use the showers and heat any food that you have in the cafeteria (or just eat cafeteria food). Hay, you just might get lucky and meet and girl on campus and she will let you stay at her place.
As far as your jobs, I don't see how you have 3 jobs, and yet you don't have enough money to even rent a room. About 7 years ago I use to work at Burger King in a upscale area outside of Los Angeles, and yet, I was able to pay the 600 per month room to rent, along with my food each month.
About the military; DON'T DO IT unless military life was something you always waned to do. Trust me, you think your life is bad now, well it COULD get worse once you sign on the dotted line because they will OWN YOU as soon as you sign up. As a matter of fact, this is one tactic how how the government gets more people in the military; they tank the economy which then causes people to jump in the military looking for financial relief.
Lastly, and more on the jobs, it's better to find 1 good job then work 2-3. I have been there and it's just another trap that drains all of your energy.
thank you Morph! I'm actually a girl, hehe. How does the women's shelter work? is it a bunch of women bunking in one big room and share one bathroom? I don't really know, but that's an idea.
about the jobs, the ones I have don't have many hours to give me, I could even pick up a 4th job and then I might be ok. one of my jobs I get about 25 to maybe 30 hours a week, the other I get between zero and 6 hours a week and the last one is only 4 since my manager there has something against me (actually she has something against everyone there) and won't give me more hours after I offered to open up my availability. this is a company I used to work for back when I was 18 until I was almost 21 and they know my work ethic so its beyond me. On top of that I make under 10 an hour at each job, but I am due for a raise at one job real soon so that'll help, and I have a lot of bills. car, car insurance (that is really high), student loans, phone, gas, food, storage, med bills and there is always some car repair or medical extra I have (glasses/contacts, etc). I don't go out much and when I do its somewhere dirt cheap or free and I don't drink. Sometimes my friends are generous and pay for me, other times we all do group activities/outings that are cheap or free like hiking or movie nights, etc. I barely make enough to cover these bills though, even living at home and its so frustrating.
My car is almost paid off though (5 more payments to go) and my insurance is gradually decreasing, so then I might be able to pay off some student loans quicker, but if I'm to move away for good and never need to rely on my mother again, I also need to put away some savings and I've thought about investing a tiny bit of money somewhere once I have some, but I have no idea how any of that works. I've been applying for all kinds of jobs that pay at least what I currently make and no luck, only the lesser paying jobs are willing to hire me so I'm better off staying where I am with my jobs. I have tried looking for full time jobs since I've been back, but nobody is willing to hire me or they don't have the hours. that's the other pickle here. I've been working on all of this for a while and really thought I'd be out by now, and that's why I'm going to the MA program. that will give me some skills of which to get a job with, anywhere in the country.
One guy drives a porsche and is still making about 1100 in payment and does not have a job still. I'm helping him find one and it's so hard. And many of these people have kids who are crashing in the homes of the in-laws.
He could buy a used Honda/Nissan/Toyota, and own it free and clear for 1100 bucks, then have at least 900 bucks freed up each month to go towards whatever else. And the cost to maintain a Porsche along with premium gas. Wow!
And yes, it's crazy I know people right now who are trying to have kids (or had ANOTHER one) in this economy. Don't get me wrong, people are still making money out here, and not everybody is doing bad (some businesses are UP) but if you don't own a home, and have little savings, the last thing I would be trying to do is have a child.
As far as people living with their parents, I get sick of all the criticism people get when they do it past a certain age. Frankly, it's nobody's business what living arrangements people have. But of coarse, only in narcissistic America people make you feel guilty for being poor, or not keeping up with the Mr. & Mrs. Jones down the street.
Afraid I don't get this part - if there is anything here, it IS retail and hospitality!
You're right and that's not the problem, I'm finding those jobs, and since I've been in retail the past 3 years, no restaurants are willing to hire me on even as hostess (ridiculous, but whatever, I've tried). The problem is, they don't pay enough of which to live off of. So I'm trying to develop my skills further in this industry as well as learn new skills, which is why I'm in school. I don't have a chance in hospitality anymore though other than retirement, which is one of my jobs, but they won't give me more hours. I could look into another department though like reception or activities. so I'll do that next time I go in. Thank you for the ideas though Sierra!
I had to move back with my mom from the time I was 24 until I was about 26 or 27. We had lots of nice knock-down, drag-out arguments and long periods of completely ignoring one another. Fact is, she asked me to return home after my former living situation crumbled. She lived alone in a 4-bedroom home and is disabled. I think she wanted the company and missed my sister being home since she'd left for college.
The good part was, that the house was a split floorplan and I could shut myself off from the rest of the home. I brought my 2 cats with me which she was allergic to and which her dog did not care for, so I was left alone for the most part. I, too, was in college, but I was able to close my doors and have privacy to study. If she was making that difficult, I studied at a friend's or at the library. She asked me to leave several times, but I wasn't ready yet. When the day came for me to tell her I was leaving (after months of her warning me that our home was going into foreclosure), she bawled like a baby for days.
My relationship with her has never been great and it never will be. She likes the drama and I can't stand it. She now lives with her mother (my grandma) and they drive each other nuts everyday.
My recommendation would be to stick it out until you finish your MA school. The college will assist you with finding one full-time job and within a very short while, you should be able to move out, even if you had to find a roommate or two.
And trust me when I say your mom will miss your company when you go.
wow, thank you for seeing it! I believe you said your dad was Indian right? My mother is Israeli so I think the foreign societies our parents grew up in has something to do with it. I'm a very understanding person so I try to see it especially since I've been to Israel and loved it, but it definitely is a European society mixed with middle eastern traditions where the effects of military life there stays with you even when you get out. She's not a total psycho, you're right about that, but she has moments and it drives me to psychosis as well in those moments (ew! haha) and like you, everyone always tells my mother how poised and sweet I am and what a wonderful child she raised, lol. Regardless, that is never enough for her.
I've been just putting up with mom all this time and it is a lot better than getting out and having more problems and in some ways I think to her its better than me going off to Iraq/Afghanistan to possibly get killed if I were left to join the military. And yes, my job/school situation is the problem at hand, more so than her, but I do love my mom and don't want to have to cut her out once I'm out, but it looks like I might have to, at least somewhat if I'm to be a functional human being.
you're right that the economy is improving, still in AZ that doesn't mean much, it never has, especially for my skill sets (mostly retail and hospitality). so it means I must leave this beautiful, mountainous desert the minute I can. My best friend and I were talking about NC last night because we've heard good things about their economy and at least I'd know her and another friend 2 hours away so I wouldn't be starting over completely as far as friends go. If this all goes through, it would be when I get my MA certificate next year, which gives me more time to save up for moving money. and my mom will never have to deal with me again, haha!
Lovesmountains- I'm Jewish, but I never got involved with Temple as a child, other than by force because of my mom, just because once we left NY, the Jewish society seemed weird to me here in AZ. I don't really have any mentors and wouldn't know where to find one and begin networking to get into a liveable situation like one you're describing. I really am in a pickle.
I am going to say something I sincerely hope you will take seriously...
YOU NEED A MENTOR, and its up to you to find one willing to take you under their wing. I wish you were here in NC, I'd volunteer myself
Do you have any friends who have really great parents they would be willing to share with you? An older, wiser, person who could help you figure some of this out? How about a special teacher that you could get back in touch with? I'm telling you, THIS would be one of the best things you could do for yourself. It can be really hard and frustrating to deal with all the issues you are dealing with without some input from an unbiased but interested person. Rack your brain, surely there must be one adult you could seek some help from?
Focus on any means to an end. What seems intolerable now is only temporary. Your mother sounds like a mental case, so just make allowances and agree with whatever she says until you reach your goal. After that you can keep a respectful distance and live your life.
As lovesmountain says, see if you can get a mentor or an advisor at school to support your efforts. Most colleges have staff to help students with difficulties.
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About 7 years ago I use to work at Burger King in a upscale area outside of Los Angeles, and yet, I was able to pay the 600 per month room to rent, along with my food each month. 
